Just over a week ago, my gran went into hospital.
She woke me up at 5AM because she couldn't breathe and I stayed with her for three hours before calling an ambulance, despite her many requests not to.
The doctors told her she had pneumonia and she ended up having to be in for just over a week.
Last Thursday, I took my cat to the vet and she found a large lump on my cat Oscar's abdomen.
I broke down in tears and didn't stop crying until after my best friend came over at midnight to make sure I was okay.
Today, my uncle swore and pushed my sister because the living room wasn't cleared of my things.
My bedroom's been needing done for years.
I've been struggling to get rid of stuff since my gran and I moved into a smaller house almost seven years ago and multiple reasons over the years have stopped me from getting stuck into it.
While my gran was in hospital, a new carpet was fitted and we moved everything from my room into the living room so I could organise and get rid of things.
I haven't yet gotten everything out of it but I've been doing a little every day and I am extremely grateful for all the help I've had.
What I'm not grateful for is my uncle being self-righteous and nasty.
We've all done things we regret before.
I've said things I shouldn't have and I've apologised but he went behind my back and talked about me to my mum - which isn't even the worst part.
She called him because she was furious with his behaviour and, instead of apologising for it and admitting he was wrong, he called me out on mistakes I've made and pulled my aunt and great aunt into it, saying they were mad too.
I've always hated childishness in adults.
I mean, I'm all for getting silly at Disneyland or getting drunk just to have fun but, when it comes to serious things, I hate it.
There's a time and a place, you know?
A 46-year-old man bitching to his sister about her 20-year-old daughter is pathetic.
If you're going to be an asshole, go ahead and say it to the person's face.
I can take it!
I'm a big girl!
When I have a problem with someone, I go to them about it and try to figure out a way for it to be resolved.
Bitching about someone and refusing to accept when you're wrong is something I would've done in High School.
After the age of 12, it stops being acceptable.
I've always had a complicated relationship with my family because I can't trust a lot of them but I've been mending my relationship with my mum and she has my back.
My uncle though? Once I move, I'm never talking to him again.
People who can't admit when they're wrong and who act like children when they get older are pathetic and I don't need that in my life.
Jessica
xoxo
Showing posts with label Blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blog. Show all posts
Tuesday, 3 May 2016
Wednesday, 20 April 2016
Why Meeting Up With Old Friends Is Important
It's common knowledge that, as we grow older and move on to different careers or cities, we lose track of people we knew when we were younger.
It's neither a good or a bad thing; it's just something that happens as our opinions and personalities develop.
I met up with a person I wasn't that close with in either Primary or High School but someone who has been there for a lot of my key moments in life and who I share experiences with (same class in Primary School, same circle of friends in Primary/High School).
Since we graduated, our lives have zig-zagged in and out of each others and we meet up from time to time - something we didn't even do much in High School.
One of the biggest things I've noticed since then is that we've both matured an awful lot.
From our fashion to our goals and everything in between. there's not much that hasn't changed or developed in the three years since graduation.
One of my favourite things that's improved is how evenly we can carry a conversation.
I have always struggled with the massive insecurity that I'm not smart.
My best friend got a flush of A's in High School and she's at one of the best universities in the United Kingdom. While she's never judged me for not getting good grades in school or getting into a top university, I have always felt inadequate and like I need to compensate for something in our relationship.
Since high school, my confidence has grown in a lot of ways but not in terms of my intelligence insecurities.
Which is annoying as Hell.
The friend I met with the other day has always been one of those incredibly smart people.
Like my best friend, she got great grades and she has a lot of strong beliefs she stands by which, despite not agreeing with all of them, I really admire.
Our conversations were actually extremely well-balanced.
There were a few topics we brushed over that we knew the other didn't agree with but, instead of getting into a childish squabble, we glossed over it with ease and respected each other's opinions.
She's grown into such an interesting young woman but, if you told me ten years ago that she'd be one of the people I'd still thoroughly enjoy meeting up with after school had finished, I probably would've rolled my eyes and gave you a sarcastic comment.
I'm glad that she surprised me.
She's different to me in so many ways but it helps me grow as a person as I learn to accept her opinions and actually listen.
Instead of High School me who decided everything she believed was right and didn't want to listen to another view if it contradicted her own.
She's going back to university later this year and I can't wait to visit her.
She even gave me advice on my own life and how I could get back into school and studying.
She's a fascinating person who has turned into this brave, wonderful feminist.
Our conversations were fluent and easygoing and we talked about everything.
It was a really fun few hours and I'm looking forward to getting to do it again soon.
I don't know if we'll stay friends or, if like my friend from nursery, we'll grow apart in years to come but I have faith in this friendship.
Taylor Swift says she likes to surround herself with independent women who inspire her to be better (I'm paraphrasing but she said something similar) and I agree.
If you stick with friends who never change and don't help you progress in life, you end up stuck.
I'm glad I'm not the same person I was ten years ago because I could have missed out on a really great person.
So, for however long we end up being friends, I'm incredibly grateful for her different opinions and 'strong feminist' attitude.
The people you knew when you were younger are so significant in our lives and I feel like we lose track of that sometimes because life gets in the way and you forget.
Whatever happens I hope we never forget the person we once were.
They might have been gone for a long time but the people you knew growing up and the person you used to be shaped you into who you are today.
Jessica
xoxo
It's neither a good or a bad thing; it's just something that happens as our opinions and personalities develop.
I met up with a person I wasn't that close with in either Primary or High School but someone who has been there for a lot of my key moments in life and who I share experiences with (same class in Primary School, same circle of friends in Primary/High School).
Since we graduated, our lives have zig-zagged in and out of each others and we meet up from time to time - something we didn't even do much in High School.
One of the biggest things I've noticed since then is that we've both matured an awful lot.
From our fashion to our goals and everything in between. there's not much that hasn't changed or developed in the three years since graduation.
One of my favourite things that's improved is how evenly we can carry a conversation.
I have always struggled with the massive insecurity that I'm not smart.
My best friend got a flush of A's in High School and she's at one of the best universities in the United Kingdom. While she's never judged me for not getting good grades in school or getting into a top university, I have always felt inadequate and like I need to compensate for something in our relationship.
Since high school, my confidence has grown in a lot of ways but not in terms of my intelligence insecurities.
Which is annoying as Hell.
The friend I met with the other day has always been one of those incredibly smart people.
Like my best friend, she got great grades and she has a lot of strong beliefs she stands by which, despite not agreeing with all of them, I really admire.
Our conversations were actually extremely well-balanced.
There were a few topics we brushed over that we knew the other didn't agree with but, instead of getting into a childish squabble, we glossed over it with ease and respected each other's opinions.
She's grown into such an interesting young woman but, if you told me ten years ago that she'd be one of the people I'd still thoroughly enjoy meeting up with after school had finished, I probably would've rolled my eyes and gave you a sarcastic comment.
I'm glad that she surprised me.
She's different to me in so many ways but it helps me grow as a person as I learn to accept her opinions and actually listen.
Instead of High School me who decided everything she believed was right and didn't want to listen to another view if it contradicted her own.
She's going back to university later this year and I can't wait to visit her.
She even gave me advice on my own life and how I could get back into school and studying.
She's a fascinating person who has turned into this brave, wonderful feminist.
Our conversations were fluent and easygoing and we talked about everything.
It was a really fun few hours and I'm looking forward to getting to do it again soon.
I don't know if we'll stay friends or, if like my friend from nursery, we'll grow apart in years to come but I have faith in this friendship.
Taylor Swift says she likes to surround herself with independent women who inspire her to be better (I'm paraphrasing but she said something similar) and I agree.
If you stick with friends who never change and don't help you progress in life, you end up stuck.
I'm glad I'm not the same person I was ten years ago because I could have missed out on a really great person.
So, for however long we end up being friends, I'm incredibly grateful for her different opinions and 'strong feminist' attitude.
The people you knew when you were younger are so significant in our lives and I feel like we lose track of that sometimes because life gets in the way and you forget.
Whatever happens I hope we never forget the person we once were.
They might have been gone for a long time but the people you knew growing up and the person you used to be shaped you into who you are today.
Jessica
xoxo
Thursday, 31 March 2016
The Fake Boyfriend
We all know how it goes.
Generally, if you're a girl, you're going to get hit on on a night out.
Sometimes, that's wanted attention.
Sometimes, it isn't.
For me, the attention I got the other night was not wanted.
My girlfriend was out to 'pull' but I wasn't and I was trying very hard to be a good 'wingwoman'. It worked but, unfortunately, some of the guys she was with had friends who grabbed me and tried to dance with me.
Now, I love dancing. When it comes to that, I'm as game as Ellen and I don't need a partner to get crazy like Taylor Swift does at award shows. ('I'm dancing on my own. Make the moves up as I go')
But I don't love it when guys grab me and dance with me when I make it clear I'm not interested.
So I did what any rationally thinking 20 year old does to make it clear to the guy and told them I had a boyfriend.
That should be enough, right?
If a guy I started dancing with told me he had a girlfriend, I'd nod and say 'sorry' and dance in the opposite direction.
These guys? Nope. They didn't care. One of them told me I was 'gorgeous' so I thanked him but he was still dancing close against me so I repeated the 'boyfriend' thing and he just laughed and said 'let yourself go'. I did not want to do that so I gave my friend the warning glance and we danced away to a different part of the club.
When our guy friends got back, I almost pounced on them; I was that relieved.
One of them was also 'on the pull' so I asked the one non-single guy if he'd do me a favour and pretend to be my boyfriend. He laughed and asked which guy was a creep so I simply said 'all of them'.
One guy was nice though. He started dancing near me and I told him I had a boyfriend and hugged my friend and he shook his hand!
Like, actually shook his hand!
I'm not gonna lie. That made me feel kinda good inside and my friend said it was a good gesture.
Anyway, this is actually an issue.
You see, this may be a casual story about a night out but the problem with it is that I shouldn't have had to think of an excuse in the first place. If I don't want to dance with someone, that should be enough of a reason. I shouldn't have to say the word 'boyfriend' fifty times until I can get away from them for it to be realized that I'm not interested.
I'm not saying I was really angry about it but it's frustrating that girls and women have to make up an excuse while guys just don't dance with the girl.
Maybe it was just that club. Maybe it was the fact that it was a Tuesday.
I don't know.
But it shouldn't be an issue in 2016. Have we not come further than that?
At the end of the day, it didn't ruin my night and I still had fun with my friends.
It's just food for thought, you know?
Jessica
xoxo
Generally, if you're a girl, you're going to get hit on on a night out.
Sometimes, that's wanted attention.
Sometimes, it isn't.
For me, the attention I got the other night was not wanted.
My girlfriend was out to 'pull' but I wasn't and I was trying very hard to be a good 'wingwoman'. It worked but, unfortunately, some of the guys she was with had friends who grabbed me and tried to dance with me.
Now, I love dancing. When it comes to that, I'm as game as Ellen and I don't need a partner to get crazy like Taylor Swift does at award shows. ('I'm dancing on my own. Make the moves up as I go')
But I don't love it when guys grab me and dance with me when I make it clear I'm not interested.
So I did what any rationally thinking 20 year old does to make it clear to the guy and told them I had a boyfriend.
That should be enough, right?
If a guy I started dancing with told me he had a girlfriend, I'd nod and say 'sorry' and dance in the opposite direction.
These guys? Nope. They didn't care. One of them told me I was 'gorgeous' so I thanked him but he was still dancing close against me so I repeated the 'boyfriend' thing and he just laughed and said 'let yourself go'. I did not want to do that so I gave my friend the warning glance and we danced away to a different part of the club.
When our guy friends got back, I almost pounced on them; I was that relieved.
One of them was also 'on the pull' so I asked the one non-single guy if he'd do me a favour and pretend to be my boyfriend. He laughed and asked which guy was a creep so I simply said 'all of them'.
One guy was nice though. He started dancing near me and I told him I had a boyfriend and hugged my friend and he shook his hand!
Like, actually shook his hand!
I'm not gonna lie. That made me feel kinda good inside and my friend said it was a good gesture.
Anyway, this is actually an issue.
You see, this may be a casual story about a night out but the problem with it is that I shouldn't have had to think of an excuse in the first place. If I don't want to dance with someone, that should be enough of a reason. I shouldn't have to say the word 'boyfriend' fifty times until I can get away from them for it to be realized that I'm not interested.
I'm not saying I was really angry about it but it's frustrating that girls and women have to make up an excuse while guys just don't dance with the girl.
Maybe it was just that club. Maybe it was the fact that it was a Tuesday.
I don't know.
But it shouldn't be an issue in 2016. Have we not come further than that?
At the end of the day, it didn't ruin my night and I still had fun with my friends.
It's just food for thought, you know?
Jessica
xoxo
Saturday, 19 March 2016
The Hardest Word
No, I'm not talking about 'sorry'; I'm talking about 'goodbye'.
It's such a final word, you know?
It's an ending, a word that doesn't offer an opening. It's closing a door that will never be opened again.
At least, it is for me.
I'm an endless trier though. Giving up on friendships, especially, isn't something I take lightly.
Unfortunately, it can't be prevented if the other person in the friendship stops trying.
For any relationship to work, it takes both people to be active participants. Both of you talk, text, tweet, share stories, meet up, etcetera. Even if it's just a few times a month.
I, for example, have two friends who live abroad and we Skype every few weeks and talk on Facebook a few times a month. Sometimes, it isn't more than once in a month because it depends on our schedules but they're still two of my closest friends.
I have another friend who lives in Edinburgh, like me (obviously), and we barely see each other but we both have Snapchat and talk every once in a while. When we see each other though, it's like no time has passed and she's like a sister to me (singing, dancing, acting and CHICKEN forever! (Private joke ;)).
But there goes my point - you can't have a friendship when you don't talk to someone.
One of my best friends and I are going through this right now.
I don't know how it started but our relationship has phased out gradually.
I know it happens but I never expected it to happen to us, you know?
Maybe it was naive of me but I always expected her to be there. We were going to dance at each other's weddings and tell embarrassing stories about each other to our spouses and children.
So I'm left with a burning question: Where did we go wrong?
As I said before, relationships take commitment. You both have to make an effort for it to work and, if you're not talking to each other at all, it's not going to last.
We, gradually, stopped talking to each other late last year and it's just never been the same. We did talk. In November. We had a good conversation on Facebook and we even had a night out together when our mutual friend couldn't make it at the last minute.
It was good to spend time with her. I was particularly fragile after having a hard month due to something I wrote about previously so I enjoyed the chance to let my hair down (metaphorically. It's always down) and have fun. I even met a guy who knew people I went to school with who was really interesting on my way home. It was a good night.
Afterwards though...
I don't know. We went weeks without talking until we exchanged messages over Christmas. She apologised for not talking to me more and I was just thrilled to hear from her. I mentioned seeing her at my birthday but she never replied.
Then we saw each other at New Year. I had no idea we would be getting together but our friend suggested we all went out so we did.
I didn't talk to her until that night and, while we were out, it was like nothing had changed.
But I felt a shift.
My birthday was mentioned and she had no idea anything was happening, despite it being on Facebook and me mentioning it previously.
I mean, my friend who lives in Edinburgh and who I barely talk to but love unconditionally kept my birthday free in case I was doing something - despite nothing being planned at first.
(She ended up taking me out for a delicious dinner on my birthday and it was perfect and sweet and I had a great day)
Maybe it was accidental but I didn't keep my hopes up for seeing her.
On my birthday, my friend and I both got the same message. She'd been asked to work later than originally planned and wouldn't be able to make it.
I'll admit that I felt cheated. I used to visit her all the time when she first moved and we've grown up together. 17 years and now we never talk... It doesn't seem fair and I didn't understand why she couldn't have told her boss she couldn't work later because it was her friends' birthday. The screenshot of her phone showed she was asked - it wasn't a demand.
I'm not saying everyone can get out of shifts but not trying at all made me feel like I didn't mean anything to her.
I let it go and enjoyed my time with the friends who could make it but it felt like an extra step in the path towards the end of our friendship.
I never replied to her Facebook messages after that and she never made any efforts to talk to me so I let it go.
Until my best friend told me she hadn't shown up to said best friend's birthday a few days earlier because she 'hadn't talked to me in a while, didn't know anyone going and didn't want it to be awkward'.
I have several issues with this:
I'm writing this post at 10PM on Friday night. If she hasn't responded by this time tomorrow, I'm going to post it with the ending to that story.
I hope she does and that we can work through our issues but, if she doesn't, I'm glad I can say that I did everything I possibly could to try and mend our broken friendship.
Jessica
xoxo
Saturday, 11:19pm
Well, it's been 25 hours and she hasn't read the message.
A year ago, I probably would have suggested she hadn't seen it or had been busy or something but... Messenger tells me she was active four hours ago.
Three days, two phone calls, one important message.
The hardest part of all of this is knowing that I couldn't save us. She ruined this. I tried and never gave up but I, obviously, don't mean as much to her as she once meant to me.
I'm not trying to play the Blame Game here.
I'm not angry at her.
It's just upsetting.
I think I've said before that friendships ending can often be like relationships ending. You spend time with this person, growing together, learning each other and making memories. All for it to be over so quickly that you need a minute to process what's happened.
So it comes back to that word.
This is all I have to say to her now:
Goodbye. Thank you for 17 years of friendship. I'm sorry I couldn't save us but I hope you find happiness with whatever you do in life.
But I'm done. I can't keep playing this game with you where I pretend we're fine and you haven't hurt me and you refuse to tell me why you decided I wasn't someone you wanted in your life after almost 20 years.
I once told you that the only reason I would give up on a person completely were if we didn't love each other anymore.
You don't ignore people you love.
I've made mistakes in friendships. I've hurt people and I'm not trying to say I'm perfect with this post.
One thing I will say about those times though is that I was younger and foolish. I learnt from my mistakes and I tried really hard not to give up on you.
What I didn't realise though, is that you'd already given up on me.
So have a great life. I truly mean that.
Goodbye, for the last time.
Jessica.
It's such a final word, you know?
It's an ending, a word that doesn't offer an opening. It's closing a door that will never be opened again.
At least, it is for me.
I'm an endless trier though. Giving up on friendships, especially, isn't something I take lightly.
Unfortunately, it can't be prevented if the other person in the friendship stops trying.
For any relationship to work, it takes both people to be active participants. Both of you talk, text, tweet, share stories, meet up, etcetera. Even if it's just a few times a month.
I, for example, have two friends who live abroad and we Skype every few weeks and talk on Facebook a few times a month. Sometimes, it isn't more than once in a month because it depends on our schedules but they're still two of my closest friends.
I have another friend who lives in Edinburgh, like me (obviously), and we barely see each other but we both have Snapchat and talk every once in a while. When we see each other though, it's like no time has passed and she's like a sister to me (singing, dancing, acting and CHICKEN forever! (Private joke ;)).
But there goes my point - you can't have a friendship when you don't talk to someone.
One of my best friends and I are going through this right now.
I don't know how it started but our relationship has phased out gradually.
I know it happens but I never expected it to happen to us, you know?
Maybe it was naive of me but I always expected her to be there. We were going to dance at each other's weddings and tell embarrassing stories about each other to our spouses and children.
So I'm left with a burning question: Where did we go wrong?
As I said before, relationships take commitment. You both have to make an effort for it to work and, if you're not talking to each other at all, it's not going to last.
We, gradually, stopped talking to each other late last year and it's just never been the same. We did talk. In November. We had a good conversation on Facebook and we even had a night out together when our mutual friend couldn't make it at the last minute.
It was good to spend time with her. I was particularly fragile after having a hard month due to something I wrote about previously so I enjoyed the chance to let my hair down (metaphorically. It's always down) and have fun. I even met a guy who knew people I went to school with who was really interesting on my way home. It was a good night.
Afterwards though...
I don't know. We went weeks without talking until we exchanged messages over Christmas. She apologised for not talking to me more and I was just thrilled to hear from her. I mentioned seeing her at my birthday but she never replied.
Then we saw each other at New Year. I had no idea we would be getting together but our friend suggested we all went out so we did.
I didn't talk to her until that night and, while we were out, it was like nothing had changed.
But I felt a shift.
My birthday was mentioned and she had no idea anything was happening, despite it being on Facebook and me mentioning it previously.
I mean, my friend who lives in Edinburgh and who I barely talk to but love unconditionally kept my birthday free in case I was doing something - despite nothing being planned at first.
(She ended up taking me out for a delicious dinner on my birthday and it was perfect and sweet and I had a great day)
Maybe it was accidental but I didn't keep my hopes up for seeing her.
On my birthday, my friend and I both got the same message. She'd been asked to work later than originally planned and wouldn't be able to make it.
I'll admit that I felt cheated. I used to visit her all the time when she first moved and we've grown up together. 17 years and now we never talk... It doesn't seem fair and I didn't understand why she couldn't have told her boss she couldn't work later because it was her friends' birthday. The screenshot of her phone showed she was asked - it wasn't a demand.
I'm not saying everyone can get out of shifts but not trying at all made me feel like I didn't mean anything to her.
I let it go and enjoyed my time with the friends who could make it but it felt like an extra step in the path towards the end of our friendship.
I never replied to her Facebook messages after that and she never made any efforts to talk to me so I let it go.
Until my best friend told me she hadn't shown up to said best friend's birthday a few days earlier because she 'hadn't talked to me in a while, didn't know anyone going and didn't want it to be awkward'.
I have several issues with this:
- It wasn't about her, it was for our best friend and you go regardless
- She knows me better than to think I would be anything but kind and friendly to her
- She told our friend she would be there an hour before the party so deciding not to come in the end without telling her wasn't very nice
I don't know if it sounds petty but it felt like a pretty lame excuse. If you can't come, don't come but don't blame someone else for something when you know they're not like you're insinuating.
Anyway, it made me miss her. So I called her at 1AM after seeing Jedward (they were awesome) at midnight on Wednesday/Thursday. She didn't answer but I wasn't surprised because most people are sleeping at that time of the morning on a weeknight but I called her the next day and there was nothing either. I decided to send her a message asking her to call me when she could. I even added a happy emoji to show her it wasn't anything bad.
So I waited a day and there was no response - despite Messenger saying she'd been online a lot.
After waiting a day, I sent her a follow-up message:
So I waited a day and there was no response - despite Messenger saying she'd been online a lot.
After waiting a day, I sent her a follow-up message:
"Okay... Well, it keeps saying you're active but you never reply so here goes. I've known you all my life. Literally. 17 years is more than three quarters of it. I love you. I miss you. And I hate that we don't talk anymore. I don't know how or why it happened but it's been less and less and I hate it. You're family and I love you so much. I'm sorry I didn't reply after my birthday. I was upset you didn't come and I missed you and then it was days that I hadn't replied and... It spiraled. I miss the fact you're so incredibly Scottish and proud and how you have a different opinion to me on most things. I miss hearing about what you're up to and I hate the fact that I couldn't tell you anything you've been up to in these last few months and you couldn't tell me the same about me. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy and living your best life. This is the hard part though because we have two choices. We can either fix our communication problems and be friends or we can keep not-talking and move on from this friendship.I'm not saying that like I want us to never speak again but it's the unfortunate reality. Just know that you're always going to mean something to me and I love you no matter what happens. But you can't be friends with someone you don't talk to. All my love and good wishes, Jess xoxo"That's it. That's the full message.
I'm writing this post at 10PM on Friday night. If she hasn't responded by this time tomorrow, I'm going to post it with the ending to that story.
I hope she does and that we can work through our issues but, if she doesn't, I'm glad I can say that I did everything I possibly could to try and mend our broken friendship.
Jessica
xoxo
Saturday, 11:19pm
Well, it's been 25 hours and she hasn't read the message.
A year ago, I probably would have suggested she hadn't seen it or had been busy or something but... Messenger tells me she was active four hours ago.
Three days, two phone calls, one important message.
The hardest part of all of this is knowing that I couldn't save us. She ruined this. I tried and never gave up but I, obviously, don't mean as much to her as she once meant to me.
I'm not trying to play the Blame Game here.
I'm not angry at her.
It's just upsetting.
I think I've said before that friendships ending can often be like relationships ending. You spend time with this person, growing together, learning each other and making memories. All for it to be over so quickly that you need a minute to process what's happened.
So it comes back to that word.
This is all I have to say to her now:
Goodbye. Thank you for 17 years of friendship. I'm sorry I couldn't save us but I hope you find happiness with whatever you do in life.
But I'm done. I can't keep playing this game with you where I pretend we're fine and you haven't hurt me and you refuse to tell me why you decided I wasn't someone you wanted in your life after almost 20 years.
I once told you that the only reason I would give up on a person completely were if we didn't love each other anymore.
You don't ignore people you love.
I've made mistakes in friendships. I've hurt people and I'm not trying to say I'm perfect with this post.
One thing I will say about those times though is that I was younger and foolish. I learnt from my mistakes and I tried really hard not to give up on you.
What I didn't realise though, is that you'd already given up on me.
So have a great life. I truly mean that.
Goodbye, for the last time.
Jessica.
Friday, 18 March 2016
Breastfeeding
Another day, another Buzzfeed article to comment on...
This time, one of my favourite celebrity chefs has come under scrutiny for telling women they should breastfeed.
When I first saw the title of the article, I will admit that I slightly rolled my eyes.
I thought 'Seriously? He's promoting breastfeeding in a positive way. Why are people getting so upset?'. After reading though, I realized that it's more than that.
Women aren't upset that it's another male voice preaching about what women should and shouldn't do - they're upset because it puts added pressure on mothers who are unable to breastfeed.
Of course, the health benefits of breastfeeding are well documented and everyone's aware of how good it is for your baby but many women can't breastfeed for medical reasons (mastitis and cracked nipples making it too painful) or their babies won't latch on. These physical difficulties often lead to mothers feeling like they're not good enough and getting incredibly distressed. The emotional implications of preaching about how good it is to breastfeed leaves mothers who can't or choose not to feeling like failures as parents.
I agree that we should promote breastfeeding and healthy attitudes about those who choose to do so in public but there also needs to be more support available for those who can't breastfeed or choose not to.
The biggest feeling I was left with after reading the Buzzfeed article was sorrow.
I'm not a mother myself but it's one of my greatest dreams to be one in the future and I feel awful for anyone who is made to feel like they're not an incredible mother just because they are unable to breastfeed or do not wish to.
My own mother had great difficulties with breastfeeding me and I was admitted into hospital when I was only a few weeks old because I wasn't eating anything.
That, paired with the fact that she had undiagnosed postnatal depression led to her feeling like a failure.
Okay, this was 20 years ago and the 90's but I can't believe we haven't progressed since then.
Why aren't women getting more support from doctors and experts about this? Why are women feeling like failures?
I'd like to think that, by the time I get around to having my own children, my ability to breastfeed will not leave me feeling like a bad mother. If I can't continue, even after months of trying, because I have cracked and bleeding nipples and it's too painful then I hope to God that there's someone I will be able to talk to who ensures me that my ability to be a great mother is not based on my ability to breastfeed.
If you love and care for your child, bathe them, clothe them, take care of them to the best of your ability and are trying your best, YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER!
Don't let anyone tell you you are a bad parent when you're trying your best.
I'm not a mother yet but parenting is hard work and everyone who is doing the best job they can without asking for anything back is an amazing parent in my eyes and deserves a reward.
You're doing okay, mums. I promise.
I'll finish this with my original comment on the article and a link to it.
Jessica
xoxo
This time, one of my favourite celebrity chefs has come under scrutiny for telling women they should breastfeed.
When I first saw the title of the article, I will admit that I slightly rolled my eyes.
I thought 'Seriously? He's promoting breastfeeding in a positive way. Why are people getting so upset?'. After reading though, I realized that it's more than that.
Women aren't upset that it's another male voice preaching about what women should and shouldn't do - they're upset because it puts added pressure on mothers who are unable to breastfeed.
Of course, the health benefits of breastfeeding are well documented and everyone's aware of how good it is for your baby but many women can't breastfeed for medical reasons (mastitis and cracked nipples making it too painful) or their babies won't latch on. These physical difficulties often lead to mothers feeling like they're not good enough and getting incredibly distressed. The emotional implications of preaching about how good it is to breastfeed leaves mothers who can't or choose not to feeling like failures as parents.
I agree that we should promote breastfeeding and healthy attitudes about those who choose to do so in public but there also needs to be more support available for those who can't breastfeed or choose not to.
The biggest feeling I was left with after reading the Buzzfeed article was sorrow.
I'm not a mother myself but it's one of my greatest dreams to be one in the future and I feel awful for anyone who is made to feel like they're not an incredible mother just because they are unable to breastfeed or do not wish to.
My own mother had great difficulties with breastfeeding me and I was admitted into hospital when I was only a few weeks old because I wasn't eating anything.
That, paired with the fact that she had undiagnosed postnatal depression led to her feeling like a failure.
Okay, this was 20 years ago and the 90's but I can't believe we haven't progressed since then.
Why aren't women getting more support from doctors and experts about this? Why are women feeling like failures?
I'd like to think that, by the time I get around to having my own children, my ability to breastfeed will not leave me feeling like a bad mother. If I can't continue, even after months of trying, because I have cracked and bleeding nipples and it's too painful then I hope to God that there's someone I will be able to talk to who ensures me that my ability to be a great mother is not based on my ability to breastfeed.
If you love and care for your child, bathe them, clothe them, take care of them to the best of your ability and are trying your best, YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER!
Don't let anyone tell you you are a bad parent when you're trying your best.
I'm not a mother yet but parenting is hard work and everyone who is doing the best job they can without asking for anything back is an amazing parent in my eyes and deserves a reward.
You're doing okay, mums. I promise.
I'll finish this with my original comment on the article and a link to it.
"Women should breastfeed if they can or if they want to. It's great to breastfeed and the benefits are overwhelming but nothing bad is going to happen to your child if you choose not to. Let's promote healthy opinions about breastfeeding instead of dictating what should and shouldn't be done."http://www.buzzfeed.com/laurasilver/women-are-pissed-off-at-jamie-oliver-for-telling-them-they-s?bffbuk&utm_term=.dq3wx81kj#.ekRn73WAR
Jessica
xoxo
Tuesday, 8 March 2016
Who Run The World?
Definitely not girls.
Yet.
It's International Women's Day across the world!
How could I not write about this?
In a world where people do work on their phones and send it in while on the train to their office and teenagers become famous by uploading videos to YouTube, it's amazing to see how far we, as humans, have come.
Technology is, in my mind, one of the biggest areas in terms of visibly seeing our affect on the world.
If you don't count global warming, that is.
Which a lot of people don't.
But that isn't my point.
This post is about women's rights.
Which brings me back to technology.
As amazing as it is to see how far we've come in that regard, it's disappointing to think that we still live in a world where a woman is questioned for running for President because she's a grandmother. How will she govern? How will she make fair decisions for America when she has a grandchild?
Let's forget her decades of work in politics or her educational background or her years of experience as First Lady and, instead, focus on the fact that she's a grandmother.
The thing is, as far as we've come in these last few years in so many different areas, we've not progressed very far in terms of equality.
Women still don't make as much as men for the same jobs and we are constantly being criticized on so many different levels.
And I'm not just talking about by political leaders or people of power.
Women get picked on, by other women, for going to work when they have kids or choosing a career over family but we also get bullied for not going to work when we have children or working from home when we have a family.
It doesn't matter what you do as a woman because you'll get criticized.
Now, I'm not blaming any one person or group of individuals - as much as I would love to blame Donald Trump for every injustice in the world and have him sent to Azkaban for all of eternity - for all of this because it's not the fault of any one person; it's women.
Women are a huge part of the problem and a lot of people are too scared to admit that.
We want rights and we deserve them but we need to change our own attitudes and perceptions first.
Let's stop hating on women for not doing what we think they should and support women for whatever it is they choose to do.
You don't want kids? Don't have them.
Want to stay at home with your children and be there full-time for them? Awesome! Let's support that!
Whatever you choose to do as a woman, let's applaud that!
You don't need to be compared to anyone else and you are not someone else's opinion of you.
This goes for overweight women, slimmer women, girly women and tomboys.
Because every woman has been judged for some aspect of themselves.
As Emma Watson has said:
"I don't want other people to decide who I am; I want to decide that for myself."
Let's give women the power to decide who we are for ourselves and be proud of each and every one of our individualities because every person in this world is worth something.
Every person.
Hillary is just one example of why we still need to go a long way in terms of women's equality and feminism but we are making progress.
This has been a long time coming and I'm not saying we haven't made any progress because we have and that's important to note.
So have fun celebrating women today and let's continue to teach ourselves and every woman we know to support other women.
Jessica
xoxo
Thursday, 25 February 2016
'Sometimes You've Got To Cry A Little To Be Able To Smile A Lot'
Tonight, I did something I swore I'd never do; I cried over the last - and only - boy to ever break my heart.
The reasons I promised myself I wouldn't cry over him were simple:
- I always knew he was still in love with his ex and the probability of us ever actually becoming anything were slim
- Crying over a boy is not something confident, self-sufficient, strong women do (Yeah, that's utter bullshit)
- We never actually dated
The first one is number one on the list because it was the thing all my friends pointed out to me when I was gushing over his adorable texts that would make me grin from ear to ear whenever I got one. I knew this but some things are easy to look past when you're hopeful and it's the first guy to make your heart flutter.
Number two on my list of reasons has more to do with my feelings about myself and the standards I set. I've been through a lot in my short-ish life. It's enough to know that crying over a guy I'd only properly known for a couple of months is low on the scale of 'Bad Things That Have Happened To Me'. The way I look back on all these bad moments now is that, while I'm not glad they happened, I'm grateful for the fact that they made me stronger. I am extremely strong minded and I rarely break when things get tough - it takes a lot. So this wasn't really an assumption or pressure on women as a whole - it was about me.
My last reason is the one that stands out for me. How can someone you never dated break your heart?
Now, here's where it gets complicated.
We met and flirted and I knew about his ex. After a few weeks, we kissed and we talked everything through the next night. We agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship.
That's something I'm proud of by the way. Talking it through was mature and, regardless of the outcome, communication is always key.
My friends told me not to trust this and to be careful and I... I heard them but I didn't really listen. I trusted my heart. He was the first man who'd ever made me feel special and wanted and like I was worth more than my own opinion of me. And that? That is everything to a girl who's never had that before.
I let him into my heart and he made me laugh and smile and we connected.
And still, we communicated about where this was/wasn't going.
But him being in love with his ex gets complicated when he's flirting with you and telling you everything you want to hear. That's where I got lost.
And so I began to fall for something that could happen. We had potential. Like-minded people with different interests but common ones too. He gave me hope for something that never happened.
But then the ball dropped. The chandelier fell right on top of me. The balloon popped. The glass smashed. Whatever you want to call it, it happened.
We'd been flirting semi-consistently every week for about two months. In three days, I went from 'hopeful and happy' to 'confused and crushed'. I had no idea they'd still been talking all this time and then he said he wanted to get back together with her and... Yeah.
Number two on my list of reasons has more to do with my feelings about myself and the standards I set. I've been through a lot in my short-ish life. It's enough to know that crying over a guy I'd only properly known for a couple of months is low on the scale of 'Bad Things That Have Happened To Me'. The way I look back on all these bad moments now is that, while I'm not glad they happened, I'm grateful for the fact that they made me stronger. I am extremely strong minded and I rarely break when things get tough - it takes a lot. So this wasn't really an assumption or pressure on women as a whole - it was about me.
My last reason is the one that stands out for me. How can someone you never dated break your heart?
Now, here's where it gets complicated.
We met and flirted and I knew about his ex. After a few weeks, we kissed and we talked everything through the next night. We agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship.
That's something I'm proud of by the way. Talking it through was mature and, regardless of the outcome, communication is always key.
My friends told me not to trust this and to be careful and I... I heard them but I didn't really listen. I trusted my heart. He was the first man who'd ever made me feel special and wanted and like I was worth more than my own opinion of me. And that? That is everything to a girl who's never had that before.
I let him into my heart and he made me laugh and smile and we connected.
And still, we communicated about where this was/wasn't going.
But him being in love with his ex gets complicated when he's flirting with you and telling you everything you want to hear. That's where I got lost.
And so I began to fall for something that could happen. We had potential. Like-minded people with different interests but common ones too. He gave me hope for something that never happened.
But then the ball dropped. The chandelier fell right on top of me. The balloon popped. The glass smashed. Whatever you want to call it, it happened.
We'd been flirting semi-consistently every week for about two months. In three days, I went from 'hopeful and happy' to 'confused and crushed'. I had no idea they'd still been talking all this time and then he said he wanted to get back together with her and... Yeah.
I wrote a good song though.
"Better (Original Song) via Smule
At the end of the day, I was left broken and hurt by this.And I was angry. So angry. At myself for trusting him when all of my friends told me to be careful, at him for flirting with me and making me feel like he wanted me when I don't even know if I believe he ever did.
He doesn't understand either. I still have to see him and, tomorrow, I have to see her too - the ex/current girlfriend. Tomorrow and at my best friend's birthday in two weeks time.
I don't hold any hard feelings towards her. I just pray she feels the same about me...
Otherwise, these next few weeks are going to be even more painful.
The main issue here is that, from his point of view, he never led me on and I never thought anything was going to happen because he always made it clear that he was still in love with her.
He doesn't understand that bringing her to these things and flaunting their perfect relationship in front of me is going to kill me.
So, tonight, when I found out she was coming to my best friend's birthday I cried.
For about fifteen minutes. It just doesn't seem fair though. That I'm the one crying because I take time to mourn things that could've been when he's perfectly happy and blissfully unaware of my pain.
Then again, what in life is fair?
I know I'll look back on this one day and be so grateful nothing ever went further.
I was on the phone to my friend earlier and she said something I'm going to remember for a long time:
'One day, you'll be glad your first heartbreak was a guy you never dated because you can learn from it and know how to cope next time instead of getting in too deep and getting your heart broken by someone you thought loved you'She has a point. While I thought the attraction was mutual and that he actually cared about me, it's better getting your heart broken by a guy you never fell in love with and who you never got to make lots of memories with. I have memories of him and they're mostly fond.
What he'll never understand though is that I don't let guys in. I've been let down by men since I was born and I don't trust men easily. I have two incredible male friends who are brilliant and I adore them. They're fine. But romantically? Nope. It's not something I can do easily.
He was the first man I ever felt like 'This could really go somewhere' and he's going to be the last until I meet someone worthy enough of my trust again.
Unfortunately, this story is continuous. I'll be seeing him and his loved-up girlfriend acting like nothing ever happened in 21 hours.
You can't always run away from your ghosts but, when you're forced to face them, you can always depend on your girlfriends to help. I have several going to my best friend's party and she's going to try and tell him to be a little more sensitive considering how hurt I still am. At least, I'll have backup for that. Tomorrow? I'm not proud of this but I'm planning on looking fabulous and drinking wine to get reasonably drunk. Then I'm going to dance with my best friend and celebrate my other friend.
Life is always going to throw you curve balls. How you react and grow from them is all down to you. You just have to try and make the best choices you can.
Jessica
xoxo
P.S. My current choice is to drink a large cup of Twinings English Breakfast Tea while eating peanuts and watching the latest episode of 'Modern Family'
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
My Favorite GRAMMY's Looks
Sam Smith looks stunning in that tailored to perfection navy suit while Selena Gomez shows off her incredible body in the most gorgeous, sparkling blue dress. James Bay kept it cool with his velvet suit jacket, adding a twist on the classic tuxedo. When doesn't Adele look flawless? The cinched in waist gives the dress an elegant edge and I love the glitter.
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
The Magic of Christmas in Edinburgh
No matter how old I get, I will never be over the beauty of Christmas. 
Though not everyone celebrates it and some people even get irritated by it, no one can deny how much better fairy lights make everything look. It's not even just one place either; it's everywhere!
Cities, towns, restaurants, stores...
It's November and the Christmas fair (German Market, Big Wheel, Ice Rink and a few other rides) are already up and going strong. At least in Edinburgh.
It's stunning. The first thing I saw when I left work was a restaurant nearby which had sparkling lights up and a Christmas Tree! Across the street was a hotel, another restaurant and a jazz bar - all of which were beautiful decorated with Christmas lights.
I don't know about anyone else but I have always loved seeing it all.
It reminds me of Christmas traditions and family and love and hope. Also presents but... Yeah...
I don't know how many Christmasses I have left in Edinburgh so I'm enjoying it as much as possible.
Most wonderful time of the year indeed.
Saturday, 11 October 2014
Update
My last post (before the most recent one) was all about my 'new life'. 'New' being the most important word for me then.
Since I posted that, SO MUCH has happened.
For one, I'm no longer at that nursery for several reasons: I felt I was poorly treated, the amount of work I was doing was absolutely not worth getting paid under the national minimum wage and it was not run well and they 'hired too many people'. The staff there were nice enough but I left there feeling much worse than I had before I started. There was a point where I made myself physically ill just to be able to leave. I hit a breaking point and I knew I couldn't handle it. As much as I didn't enjoy my time there, it was absolutely a learning experience. I learnt that I had a breaking point and that I should never push myself to its limits again.
After that, I kinda drifted. I pulled myself together, had a Christmas, had a birthday, went on my first trip alone, got a job I actually enjoy and even got my braces off.
That's the last few months in a nutshell.
This month, I'm focusing on myself instead of guys who don't care.
I'm looking forward to channelling Taylor Swift for the next few months. By that, I mean, getting fit, spending more time with my beautiful girlfriends, working on what's important to me (singing, dancing and acting) and exploring the world as much as I can.
Jessica,
xoxo
Monday, 16 September 2013
New Job, New Plans, New-ish Jess.
Okay, so, wow... I haven't written in a long time. To be fair, I was a mess after Cory died. Even though I didn't know him personally, I couldn't stop thinking about everyone else. Friends, family, fans... If I'm completely honest, I'm still not over it. I still cry every couple of days when something reminds me of him in a particularly potent way. But I accepted that I would never get over his death a while ago. And, really, the fact that it does still hurt shows how much of an incredible person he really was. He'll be remembered forever in our hearts. So he's immortal in that way. As Cory once said 'Love is how you stay alive even after you're gone.'.
Anyway, change of topic. I'll start with each headline.
New Job
I got a job! I had an interview at a Hairdresser's on the Tuesday after Cory died but that didn't work out. I'm not surprised nor was I upset. I was a mess at the time, like I said, and I don't know if I would have been a very good hairdresser anyway. I'll leave that to the more beautiful and stylish girls of the world.
I got an interview with a private nursery in Colinton, Edinburgh and I got the job considering I got a place with Carousel Training. I got that place and, after a long time, I finally got a start date.
I start next week on the 23rd September.
I will be working with babies and toddlers part-time every week while attending a college course with Carousel Training once a month.
I'm very excited to begin. Can't wait actually.
My senior year of High School, I felt like everyone had a plan but me. They were going to university or college or something. I had nothing. No idea.
But, now, I have a plan. I know what I'm doing for the next year and a half or so. It'll be hard and I might even hate it some days but I'm committed to it and I'm going to work hard.
I'm just glad to have a plan.
New Plans
Which leads me onto my next point... :)
I have made a few plans which will probably change as the years go by but, hopefully, not by too much.
For one: I want to move to America. Preferably, San Francisco. I love the atmosphere and the people and the scenery. It's gorgeous. If not there, I'm thinking Michigan or something. I'll figure it out.
Another thing I want to do is become more involved in charity work. I have a few specific things in mind that I would like to help out and volunteer for but I need to find out the main organisations in the UK.
For now though, I'm happy to stay in Edinburgh.
I'll work it out from there.
New-ish Jess
To be fair, it's not so much 'new' as 'retro' Jess.
I've been wearing skirts and dresses on a pretty constant basis all summer which is something I used to do before I started High School at age eleven. I love dresses and skirts. I was a big girly-girl growing up and it was nice not to have my legs covered in jeans which have been a staple of my wardrobe since 2007.
I love jeans, don't get me wrong. Skinny jeans make me smile and they're warm and I don't find them uncomfortable. They're also very... I don't know. They're homey. Does that even make sense? They're comfortable anyway.
So, I decided to wear more dresses, etcetera. This means I'll have to buy more and also tights or something for Winter but, like my life, I'll figure that out as I go along as well :)
I don't really know what else there is to say. The Fringe was great this year! Loved the Comedy shows!
Going to leave a couple of pictures from the last two months here...
xoxo
Anyway, change of topic. I'll start with each headline.
New Job
I got a job! I had an interview at a Hairdresser's on the Tuesday after Cory died but that didn't work out. I'm not surprised nor was I upset. I was a mess at the time, like I said, and I don't know if I would have been a very good hairdresser anyway. I'll leave that to the more beautiful and stylish girls of the world.
I got an interview with a private nursery in Colinton, Edinburgh and I got the job considering I got a place with Carousel Training. I got that place and, after a long time, I finally got a start date.
I start next week on the 23rd September.
I will be working with babies and toddlers part-time every week while attending a college course with Carousel Training once a month.
I'm very excited to begin. Can't wait actually.
My senior year of High School, I felt like everyone had a plan but me. They were going to university or college or something. I had nothing. No idea.
But, now, I have a plan. I know what I'm doing for the next year and a half or so. It'll be hard and I might even hate it some days but I'm committed to it and I'm going to work hard.
I'm just glad to have a plan.
New Plans
Which leads me onto my next point... :)
I have made a few plans which will probably change as the years go by but, hopefully, not by too much.
For one: I want to move to America. Preferably, San Francisco. I love the atmosphere and the people and the scenery. It's gorgeous. If not there, I'm thinking Michigan or something. I'll figure it out.
Another thing I want to do is become more involved in charity work. I have a few specific things in mind that I would like to help out and volunteer for but I need to find out the main organisations in the UK.
For now though, I'm happy to stay in Edinburgh.
I'll work it out from there.
New-ish Jess
To be fair, it's not so much 'new' as 'retro' Jess.
I've been wearing skirts and dresses on a pretty constant basis all summer which is something I used to do before I started High School at age eleven. I love dresses and skirts. I was a big girly-girl growing up and it was nice not to have my legs covered in jeans which have been a staple of my wardrobe since 2007.
I love jeans, don't get me wrong. Skinny jeans make me smile and they're warm and I don't find them uncomfortable. They're also very... I don't know. They're homey. Does that even make sense? They're comfortable anyway.
So, I decided to wear more dresses, etcetera. This means I'll have to buy more and also tights or something for Winter but, like my life, I'll figure that out as I go along as well :)
I don't really know what else there is to say. The Fringe was great this year! Loved the Comedy shows!
Going to leave a couple of pictures from the last two months here...
xoxo
Wednesday, 10 July 2013
Just A Random Thought...
So I was thinking a bit about time.
The other day, I met up with an old friend for coffee. I ended up telling her about something really horrible that happened to me about a year ago. It was something that made me have a panic attack, terrified and shocked me to my core and also made me consider something extreme (and also final. And deadly). For months afterwards, I was afraid to sleep and would cry every time I thought about it. You may think it sounds dramatic but this really shook me. A lot of bad things have happened in my life and I've always been strong enough to get through it on my own. It's just what I do. But this was something I wasn't sure I was strong enough to live through and that thought alone terrified me.
Anyway, I told my old friend about it and I didn't cry. It didn't even scare me to think about it. I stammered and I couldn't look at her the entire time I was talking but I didn't cry.
Thinking about time right now, I remembered this and it made me think about how time heals.
The wounds I have from that experience are still there and I don't think the scars will ever really go away. But they aren't bleeding anymore. Time healed it. With time, I learned to move on and accept the fact that I can't change it. I'll never be over it and I'll never forget it or forgive the person who did it to me but I can and have moved on from it.
Yes, it took a lot longer than most other things I've dealt with to begin to heal but I'm alive. It wasn't worth dying over.
It just makes me think about how close I came to giving in. That scares me too. The thought that I could have given up and ended everything.
I like to believe that there's always hope. That I may be sad today but there is always tomorrow to look forward to.
I hope I don't sound like I'm asking for pity or anything because I don't want it. So many people go through worse things every day and I feel terrible for moaning about it. I just wish I could hug everyone who's ever gone through something bad. But I can't.
Well... I'm going to go now.
The point is that I really do believe that time heals. The scars may remain but the initial hurt and pain fade with time.
I'm really going now... Sorry for the randomness of this. It doesn't really mean anything. Just my pondering.
The other day, I met up with an old friend for coffee. I ended up telling her about something really horrible that happened to me about a year ago. It was something that made me have a panic attack, terrified and shocked me to my core and also made me consider something extreme (and also final. And deadly). For months afterwards, I was afraid to sleep and would cry every time I thought about it. You may think it sounds dramatic but this really shook me. A lot of bad things have happened in my life and I've always been strong enough to get through it on my own. It's just what I do. But this was something I wasn't sure I was strong enough to live through and that thought alone terrified me.
Anyway, I told my old friend about it and I didn't cry. It didn't even scare me to think about it. I stammered and I couldn't look at her the entire time I was talking but I didn't cry.
Thinking about time right now, I remembered this and it made me think about how time heals.
The wounds I have from that experience are still there and I don't think the scars will ever really go away. But they aren't bleeding anymore. Time healed it. With time, I learned to move on and accept the fact that I can't change it. I'll never be over it and I'll never forget it or forgive the person who did it to me but I can and have moved on from it.
Yes, it took a lot longer than most other things I've dealt with to begin to heal but I'm alive. It wasn't worth dying over.
It just makes me think about how close I came to giving in. That scares me too. The thought that I could have given up and ended everything.
I like to believe that there's always hope. That I may be sad today but there is always tomorrow to look forward to.
I hope I don't sound like I'm asking for pity or anything because I don't want it. So many people go through worse things every day and I feel terrible for moaning about it. I just wish I could hug everyone who's ever gone through something bad. But I can't.
Well... I'm going to go now.
The point is that I really do believe that time heals. The scars may remain but the initial hurt and pain fade with time.
I'm really going now... Sorry for the randomness of this. It doesn't really mean anything. Just my pondering.
Monday, 1 July 2013
Figuring It Out
Unfortunately, this title is misleading. I am not, indeed, 'figuring it out'. It turns out growing up is kind of difficult. By 17, I was supposed to be driving my own car, working and, most importantly, I was supposed to know what my life was going to be from now on. But everything's so much more confusing when it's not all just naive planning. I want to figure my life out, I really do. But I have so many different ideas... I want to sing, I want to sing with children... I probably have more but I kinda got lost in thinking about New York (No idea where that came from. Now, I'm thinking about the beauty of Golden Retrievers... My thought process is confusing). Anyway... Last week, I handed my CV (Curriculum Vitae. Sorry. Had an impulse to write the actual words for some reason) into a hairdressers in Morningside last week. I also applied for a Nursery Assistant job apprenticeship thingy though so I, obviously, am clueless. I don't have specific reasons for wanting the apprenticeship at the hairdressers. I think it would be fun and I'd enjoy learning how to do it, etcetera. I know I'd work hard at it. The apprenticeship at the nursery though... My reasons are so pathetic it's laughable. I want to do it because... Damn. Okay. I've always wanted kids. Always. My mum wasn't there for me like I needed her to be and I've never really felt like anyone in my family has true loyalty to me. Besides myself, obviously. So I've always wanted to be that for someone else. To bring my kids up in the way I wish I had been. With unconditional love and support. If my kids want to be a dinosaur when they grow up, I'll buy them a costume. If they want to be a singer, I'll pay for lessons. If they want to go and see their favourite musician in concert, I'll do whatever it takes to get them there. If they're upset, I'll buy ice cream and we'll spend the night talking and watching Disney movies. If they're gay, I'll embarrass them by pointing out attractive people who I think they'd look good with when we go out sometimes. Who am I kidding? I'll do that either way. The point it that I want to be the best mother I can be. And working with kids is like practice sort of. Not even going into how much I love kids in general. I know this probably sounds really pathetic and kinda lame but it's how I feel. My mum tries so hard with me sometimes and I want to let her in but it's been so long I don't even know how to anymore. My gran, practically, brought me up. I spent most of my childhood with her. I don't even know how to talk to my mum sometimes and I don't really respect her in a parental way because she's not really been that for me. And I know how horrible that sounds and I feel like a terrible person because she tries so hard and it should be easy for me to let her in completely... But, sometimes, I'll say something and she won't understand it or I'll open up about how upset I am about something that's going on in a certain celebrity I like's life and she'll tell me to stop talking about it or she just won't care. When I have kids and they come to tell me that so and so has done this and they're really upset about it, I'm going to listen and actually care because it's upsetting them. I thought that's what being a parent was: listening to your child and trying to help them out even if you don't understand or think it's silly. Nevermind. I didn't mean this to turn into a rant about my mum. I really do love her. She bought me two Barbie doll houses and supported me with my dreams of going to MGA. I feel like such a bitch for complaining. And my childhood wasn't miserable. My gran did awesome! I would get Princess dresses and other nice clothes and she even bought me a dog. She's amazing. I guess I always expected more from them and they couldn't give that to me.
I was attacked last year, something that very nearly broke me (In ways I don't really want to explain right now) and I needed their unconditional love and support. But it wasn't there. They weren't loyal to me and still aren't being loyal to me. That's why I'm so... distant, I guess. I don't feel like they did the right thing and I can't forgive that. I'm one of those people that, when something or something does something that I find so inherently wrong or unforgivable, I don't forgive it. I give second chances to people I find deserving of them but, if you do something I would kill you for doing to my own child, I'll be like an ice queen to you and I will freeze you out of my life completely. I have to protect myself because no one else will.
Sorry... If anyone ever reads this far, kudos to you. You're a saint. This really has become like a diary... I should write more.
Here's to hoping something good comes out of either option!
Jess xoxo
I was attacked last year, something that very nearly broke me (In ways I don't really want to explain right now) and I needed their unconditional love and support. But it wasn't there. They weren't loyal to me and still aren't being loyal to me. That's why I'm so... distant, I guess. I don't feel like they did the right thing and I can't forgive that. I'm one of those people that, when something or something does something that I find so inherently wrong or unforgivable, I don't forgive it. I give second chances to people I find deserving of them but, if you do something I would kill you for doing to my own child, I'll be like an ice queen to you and I will freeze you out of my life completely. I have to protect myself because no one else will.
Sorry... If anyone ever reads this far, kudos to you. You're a saint. This really has become like a diary... I should write more.
Here's to hoping something good comes out of either option!
Jess xoxo
Thursday, 30 May 2013
Darren Dream (Yes, I mention a dream I had last night. It's brief. Deal with it)
So, Darren Criss started his #ListenUp tour last night at the Fillmore in San Francisco. First, I'd like to say that I am incredibly proud of him. I can't understand the fact that I feel so much for a man I have never met before and probably will never meet but I do. I just think he really deserves this. He's worked so hard for everything he's done and he's got and it's because of that fact (and his unbelievable) talent that he has it all.
Not to mention who he is as a person. I mean, he is amazing. Beyond his talent, he's intelligent, speaks fluent Italian and has an addictive personality. He will spend hours signing autographs for fans and he wrote a fricking letter to his fans the night The Break-Up aired on television (October 4th 2012. Here's a link to the letter, if you would like it https://www.facebook.com/darrencriss/posts/10151069497289147). Technically, the note was posted on the fifth at 33 minutes past midnight but still.
(I'd also like to point out that he had his mom drop him and his brother off to the venue of his first tour. If that doesn't make him the cutest thing to ever exist besides Blaine Anderson and puppies then I don't understand you)
He's just an incredible person. I wish him every success in the world and I truly can't wait to see him achieve all his dreams - both known and undiscovered.
Anyway, the dream part...
Right. Uhm, so I went to sleep earlier than I normally would (Ever since I finished school, my sleeping pattern has been totally fricked) and the dream started. What was weird about it though was that I woke up at three points in the night and, every time I fell back to sleep, the dream would continue where I left off. That doesn't normally happen. It also ended before I woke up for the last time so that was strange. Dreams don't normally 'end' for me; they just stop.
The Dream.
I went to sleep as normal and then woke up in a venue of some sort. Then Darren came out and started playing and I realised I was at his concert. I went with it for a while, took videos, etcetera and ended up talking to this really sweet girl called Anna and I stuck with her for the rest of the time. We danced and sang along to his songs and it was amazing.
When the concert finished, I was kind of at a loss for what to do (seeing as I was in America and I live in Britain and I didn't have anything with me besides my clothes and my phone for some reason. And my phone didn't even have credit so that was pointless. Anna gave me some money and we went for a bit of a wander.
When I got to the airport, I explained my situation to a security person who called my mum and said I'd been gone for two days. Anyway, it cost me £99 to get home and I got booked on a flight.
I thought it was a little bit strange but, at least, I was at the concert in spirit or whatever.
The next time Darren goes on tour, I really hope I can go. He's just breathtaking. His solos on Glee are flawless (I vote Blaine has a solo or sings lead or something in every episode) and his songs are brilliant. To see him perform would be... Words can't describe it.
I also need to see Taylor Swift in concert at some point in my life. I care about her the same way I care about Darren. I could write a book on them both and how much admiration and love I have for the two of them.
Anyway, I think I'm done. So, goodbye for now :)
Jess xoxo
Not to mention who he is as a person. I mean, he is amazing. Beyond his talent, he's intelligent, speaks fluent Italian and has an addictive personality. He will spend hours signing autographs for fans and he wrote a fricking letter to his fans the night The Break-Up aired on television (October 4th 2012. Here's a link to the letter, if you would like it https://www.facebook.com/darrencriss/posts/10151069497289147). Technically, the note was posted on the fifth at 33 minutes past midnight but still.
(I'd also like to point out that he had his mom drop him and his brother off to the venue of his first tour. If that doesn't make him the cutest thing to ever exist besides Blaine Anderson and puppies then I don't understand you)
He's just an incredible person. I wish him every success in the world and I truly can't wait to see him achieve all his dreams - both known and undiscovered.
Anyway, the dream part...
Right. Uhm, so I went to sleep earlier than I normally would (Ever since I finished school, my sleeping pattern has been totally fricked) and the dream started. What was weird about it though was that I woke up at three points in the night and, every time I fell back to sleep, the dream would continue where I left off. That doesn't normally happen. It also ended before I woke up for the last time so that was strange. Dreams don't normally 'end' for me; they just stop.
The Dream.
I went to sleep as normal and then woke up in a venue of some sort. Then Darren came out and started playing and I realised I was at his concert. I went with it for a while, took videos, etcetera and ended up talking to this really sweet girl called Anna and I stuck with her for the rest of the time. We danced and sang along to his songs and it was amazing.
When the concert finished, I was kind of at a loss for what to do (seeing as I was in America and I live in Britain and I didn't have anything with me besides my clothes and my phone for some reason. And my phone didn't even have credit so that was pointless. Anna gave me some money and we went for a bit of a wander.
When I got to the airport, I explained my situation to a security person who called my mum and said I'd been gone for two days. Anyway, it cost me £99 to get home and I got booked on a flight.
I thought it was a little bit strange but, at least, I was at the concert in spirit or whatever.
The next time Darren goes on tour, I really hope I can go. He's just breathtaking. His solos on Glee are flawless (I vote Blaine has a solo or sings lead or something in every episode) and his songs are brilliant. To see him perform would be... Words can't describe it.
I also need to see Taylor Swift in concert at some point in my life. I care about her the same way I care about Darren. I could write a book on them both and how much admiration and love I have for the two of them.
Anyway, I think I'm done. So, goodbye for now :)
Jess xoxo
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
X Factor Failure
Today, I got up at 5:00AM (After an hour and a half's sleep...) and got dressed and ready to leave the house shortly after six. My mum picked me up and we went to collect my best friend Jane (who said she'd come with me) from her house. After that, we paid £21.80 for return train tickets to Glasgow. When we got there, we got another train to the SECC where the auditions were being held. We were then made to wait for three hours in the cold and pouring rain (my feet were so numb I was worried they'd fall off) while certain TV people did TV stuff (Dermot O'Leery was there). We had to 'Woo' and cheer etcetera along with some 'silent cheering'. It was awful and I was freezing. I get why they did it and I'm not trying to be rude or anything. It was just really cold. We then walked around from the BBC building to the SECC. After that, I waited another three hours (6 hours in total, if you're counting) until my row (somewhere in 'sector' K or something) got called down to audition. By this point, I was tired and desperate to go home.
The audition itself was awful. I got into the little black 'box' type thing and met a lovely man called Barney who looked quite young (mid-twenties maybe?). He was really nice and kind and he had a matching 'Saint Christopher (Patron Saint of Travelling thing on his neck (I wear a silver necklace my mum got me for my 16th birthday with Saint Christopher engraved or whatever into the silver) thingy around his neck. He asked me a few questions and I answered them (couldn't tell you what those questions were or what I answered). After that, he told me to sing. So I did. And that's when everything else went wrong. I sang 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift and it was terrible. I didn't know where to look or what to do with my hands and I looked at him (Barney) a few times because I was panicking about whether or not eye-contact was good whilst singing a song. He stopped me just before I got to the 'And what if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you' bit and said 'I'm sorry but it's a 'no'. I think I said something after that but I don't remember what. I just tried to get out and find Jane. When I did, we left and went back to the train station.
I wasn't surprised as such. Nevertheless, I felt embarrassed and like I wasn't good enough. I know it's ridiculous but I think it's an automatic response to rejection. No matter what I told myself about me not being that bad of a singer, suddenly there was Barney's voice telling me that I wasn't any good. Maybe I was good but just not 'X Factor' good. I don't know. The whole thing's just humiliating. I'm not upset at a 'missed opportunity' or whatever. The rejection isn't nice though and I feel sick and embarrassed whenever I think about it. Yes, it's only been a few hours (seven to be exact) but it's still raw. I was also a little annoyed at the fact that I'd barely slept and that my mum and best friend had gotten up early for absolutely no reason. I felt guilty (still do).
The X Factor is a good show and I'm so happy for everyone who got that precious 'Golden Ticket' to a second audition but I don't think I'll ever audition again. I don't want to feel that embarrassed again and I'm, clearly, not good enough anyway.
Not sure what else to say. That was my X Factor experience. Good luck to everyone who gets through and does well etcetera. I really am happy for them.
The audition itself was awful. I got into the little black 'box' type thing and met a lovely man called Barney who looked quite young (mid-twenties maybe?). He was really nice and kind and he had a matching 'Saint Christopher (Patron Saint of Travelling thing on his neck (I wear a silver necklace my mum got me for my 16th birthday with Saint Christopher engraved or whatever into the silver) thingy around his neck. He asked me a few questions and I answered them (couldn't tell you what those questions were or what I answered). After that, he told me to sing. So I did. And that's when everything else went wrong. I sang 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift and it was terrible. I didn't know where to look or what to do with my hands and I looked at him (Barney) a few times because I was panicking about whether or not eye-contact was good whilst singing a song. He stopped me just before I got to the 'And what if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you' bit and said 'I'm sorry but it's a 'no'. I think I said something after that but I don't remember what. I just tried to get out and find Jane. When I did, we left and went back to the train station.
I wasn't surprised as such. Nevertheless, I felt embarrassed and like I wasn't good enough. I know it's ridiculous but I think it's an automatic response to rejection. No matter what I told myself about me not being that bad of a singer, suddenly there was Barney's voice telling me that I wasn't any good. Maybe I was good but just not 'X Factor' good. I don't know. The whole thing's just humiliating. I'm not upset at a 'missed opportunity' or whatever. The rejection isn't nice though and I feel sick and embarrassed whenever I think about it. Yes, it's only been a few hours (seven to be exact) but it's still raw. I was also a little annoyed at the fact that I'd barely slept and that my mum and best friend had gotten up early for absolutely no reason. I felt guilty (still do).
The X Factor is a good show and I'm so happy for everyone who got that precious 'Golden Ticket' to a second audition but I don't think I'll ever audition again. I don't want to feel that embarrassed again and I'm, clearly, not good enough anyway.
Not sure what else to say. That was my X Factor experience. Good luck to everyone who gets through and does well etcetera. I really am happy for them.
Tuesday, 30 April 2013
X Factor
So, I got an email back after applying (In December) for the X Factor UK. My audition is tomorrow morning (Wednesday 1st May) at 8:00AM in Glasgow. I live in Edinburgh and I don't know anything about Glasgow, much less how to get to places from the Train Station. I'm extremely worried because I'm going on my own and that's terrifying. I really don't know what to do. I don't even know what song I'm going to sing when I get there! Nor do I have any money to get there with. I'll have to figure something out. Thankfully, I know the lyrics to hundreds of songs due to repeated singing of random songs. I can recite almost any song Taylor Swift has in her albums (Need to brush up a bit on her first album but I'm good with the others) and I know a majority of the songs Glee has covered. I'm considering singing 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift but I always get really emotional. That might be a good thing but I'm not sure. I could always go with a Darren Criss song from his album 'Human' or 'Teenage Dream'. I'm in a bit of a muddle. Hopefully, I'll figure it out but it will most-likely be very last-minute and slapdash. Unlike those of the auditionees that have been planning for this their whole lives. I feel like such a mess... Oh well. Wishing myself luck :S
Saturday, 27 April 2013
I Don't Know What I Want But That's Okay
Sometimes, you just have to stay in bed on your own and listen/sing along to Taylor Swift's new album Red all day. That's what I've been doing so far. I kind of had a mini-mid-mid-life crisis. I was frustrated. Everyone's talking about getting into college and university etcetera and I'm not moving forward at all. I'm aware that I'm not very smart or really very special at all in any unique way. I used to be semi-okay with that but everything just kind of started to sink in all at once. My friends, like Rachel and Kurt in the most episode of Glee (4x20), were pressuring me to move on and find something to do etcetera and I found myself trapped. Of course I'm ashamed and embarrassed about the fact that my life isn't going anywhere but their questions/advice, no matter how well they mean all of it, is just making me feel even worse.
Anyway, I really related to Santana's storyline in this episode because I'm in a similar position. The scene with Isabelle Wright was really nice. I loved it.
Santana: Listen, I really love dancing. I'm just not like you guys. I don't know what I wanna do or how I'm even gonna get there.
Isabelle: But you have plenty of time to figure it out. And it doesn't have to be ballet or Broadway. Just as long as it's something that you love, something that feeds your soul. And Santana, baby steps are okay.
That scene was like something I wish would happen in my life. I really love singing but I have absolutely no idea what I want to do or how I'm going to get there. Unfortunately, I don't have an Isabelle in my life to tell me everything's going to be okay and the fact that I don't know what I want or where I'm going in life is okay just now because I don't have to yet; I'll figure it out eventually.
I finish High School next Thursday (2nd May) and the day after's my 'Fun Day' with the entire year (We'll just see how that goes... I might be dressing up as Robin from 'Batman and Robin' but I don't have a Batman so... I spent £30 on that stupid costume though. Hmm... I suppose I could always be a Princess... We'll see), Prom's June 14th (Still need to buy my fricking dress) and then I think I'm officially graduated but I'm not entirely sure. I don't know what the future holds for me but I'll get by. Hopefully. Anyway, yeah... Don't really know what else to say... Bye!
Anyway, I really related to Santana's storyline in this episode because I'm in a similar position. The scene with Isabelle Wright was really nice. I loved it.
Santana: Listen, I really love dancing. I'm just not like you guys. I don't know what I wanna do or how I'm even gonna get there.
Isabelle: But you have plenty of time to figure it out. And it doesn't have to be ballet or Broadway. Just as long as it's something that you love, something that feeds your soul. And Santana, baby steps are okay.
That scene was like something I wish would happen in my life. I really love singing but I have absolutely no idea what I want to do or how I'm going to get there. Unfortunately, I don't have an Isabelle in my life to tell me everything's going to be okay and the fact that I don't know what I want or where I'm going in life is okay just now because I don't have to yet; I'll figure it out eventually.
I finish High School next Thursday (2nd May) and the day after's my 'Fun Day' with the entire year (We'll just see how that goes... I might be dressing up as Robin from 'Batman and Robin' but I don't have a Batman so... I spent £30 on that stupid costume though. Hmm... I suppose I could always be a Princess... We'll see), Prom's June 14th (Still need to buy my fricking dress) and then I think I'm officially graduated but I'm not entirely sure. I don't know what the future holds for me but I'll get by. Hopefully. Anyway, yeah... Don't really know what else to say... Bye!
Sunday, 7 April 2013
A Day And A Half Without Sleep
Last night, I went to my friend Jane's house for a catch up. A couple of my other friends came too and we had fun eating Chinese food and talking etcetera. We went home (Not Jane, obviously) at about 12:30PM. I couldn't sleep though so I ended up just staying up.
Didn't do much today really. Can't even remember to be honest. One thing I did do through boredom was go on Omegle.
I ended up talking to a someone who is unhappy. All I know about them is that they're school-age and lives somewhere in America. I think they're a couple of years younger than me and I haven't determined a gender yet.It doesn't matter though.What does matter is that they're unhappy and they feel alone. I can't deal with this. It's horrible. No one should ever have to feel alone. I've tried to remind them that there is so much love waiting out there, you just have to find it. That you should never give up because when you end your life, you don't just lose the obvious, you lose your potential and everything you could have been and done. What if you're supposed to be the next Darren Criss or something? You need to keep fighting because it might not be good today but it could always be better tomorrow. I've been talking to this person for about an hour or so. I gave them my Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube and Facebook details and also my email address in case they ever felt alone or upset or something and needed someone to talk to.
I don't know if they'll use it or not. I just needed them to know that they weren't alone and that I care about them. I can't stand the thought of them suffering in silence and feeling like no one cares. I've done that and, if I can prevent even one person from doing it too then I'll feel a little better.
I'm still talking to them now. I'm doing my best to help them but their depression is getting in the way. It's painful. I'm trying to help and I will continue to tell them anything I think will help (All the truth though. I'm not going to lie to them). It's breaking my heart though. This person seems like such a genuinely good person but, because of bullying and several other factors, they're miserable. I need to go and give them a hug.
I'm going to continue to talk to them for as long as I can without falling asleep because I can't leave them just yet. Especially when I don't know if I'll ever hear from them again. I'm so worried about this person. I need to know they'll be okay and I don't yet. It's horrible. Anyway, I'm going to get back to my conversation with them. Bye or something.
Didn't do much today really. Can't even remember to be honest. One thing I did do through boredom was go on Omegle.
I ended up talking to a someone who is unhappy. All I know about them is that they're school-age and lives somewhere in America. I think they're a couple of years younger than me and I haven't determined a gender yet.It doesn't matter though.What does matter is that they're unhappy and they feel alone. I can't deal with this. It's horrible. No one should ever have to feel alone. I've tried to remind them that there is so much love waiting out there, you just have to find it. That you should never give up because when you end your life, you don't just lose the obvious, you lose your potential and everything you could have been and done. What if you're supposed to be the next Darren Criss or something? You need to keep fighting because it might not be good today but it could always be better tomorrow. I've been talking to this person for about an hour or so. I gave them my Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube and Facebook details and also my email address in case they ever felt alone or upset or something and needed someone to talk to.
I don't know if they'll use it or not. I just needed them to know that they weren't alone and that I care about them. I can't stand the thought of them suffering in silence and feeling like no one cares. I've done that and, if I can prevent even one person from doing it too then I'll feel a little better.
I'm still talking to them now. I'm doing my best to help them but their depression is getting in the way. It's painful. I'm trying to help and I will continue to tell them anything I think will help (All the truth though. I'm not going to lie to them). It's breaking my heart though. This person seems like such a genuinely good person but, because of bullying and several other factors, they're miserable. I need to go and give them a hug.
I'm going to continue to talk to them for as long as I can without falling asleep because I can't leave them just yet. Especially when I don't know if I'll ever hear from them again. I'm so worried about this person. I need to know they'll be okay and I don't yet. It's horrible. Anyway, I'm going to get back to my conversation with them. Bye or something.
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
13 Days...
Woah... It's been 13 days since I last wrote anything. In that time, I had my first 'Saturday Night Out' for my best friend's 18th (We went to some random bar near town and her cousin and a few of his friends joined us later. Nothing too interesting. I was mostly laughed at for my severe lack of knowledge in knowing where any countries are. Sorry if I'm not a fricking map or atlas or Google. It's not like knowing where Chile is is going to be super important to me in my future is it? (If it is, I'll learn where the frick it is but, until then, I'm completely content with not giving a flying frick. No offence to Chile or anyone who lives there or whatever). Not much else happened really), read 'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green (I'd actually been meaning to do this for a while. I cried at Chapter 13 and at several points after that because I have a problem of feeling too much for characters etcetera and imagining myself in their positions. As a whole, the book was incredible. It made me laugh, cry, smile and actually think about things. I only have one question for John Green: What the Hell happened to Hazel afterwards? Did she die? Did she live? What did she do? Damn you John Green for leaving me to ponder so many things. Still an excellent book), wrote a few songs and went to Barcelona for a week (Left on the 24th March (The day after my first ever night out) and got back on April Fools Day (Also known as the Mishapocalypse on Tumblr). I stayed with my aunt, uncle and their three-year-old. It was noisy and I needed space after a few days of non-stop 'sightseeing'. Seriously, we were out every single day! The constant running around added to the never-ending noise and the lack of privacy drove me mad! After much, much arguing with my aunt, she let me stay in on my own for the day. The computer was off, I didn't know how to work the TV and I wasn't allowed to touch anything. I felt a bit like a five-year-old to be honest. But it was quiet! Oh so quiet! Unfortunately, that quietness only lasted five hours and then it was back to noise. It was good while it lasted though. Later that same night, my aunt and uncle's married friends Sandra and Paco and Geordie and Ruth came over for dinner. They were all very lovely and they tried to speak English with me which was nice (I also attempted to speak some Spanish). The next day, we met Sandra, Paco and their adorable little puppy. We went to this small town in Spain called 'Besalu'. It was so beautiful there. I could have spent the entire day wandering around. I swear, it looked like something out of a fairytale. Not really sure what else to say about my trip. I had some fun, had some bad times but, in the end, I was glad I went. My aunt's suggested I move there for a while but I'm not sure. I'd rather have an idea of what my life's going to be before I do anything that drastic). Since then, I've been in bed, sick. I've caught up with friends and TV shows (Let's Get Ready To Rhumble is number fricking one in the UK!!! So happy! Go Ant and Dec!) and tried to focus on getting better.
I also got an email from the Murray Grant Academy for the Performing Arts. They said I could pay 200 and something pounds per month instead of paying the £1250 deposit and then a bunch of money each month. It's my last chance and I'm still stunned to have even gotten another one. I know what I want to do but, again, I don't know if I can do it. In my dream last night, I was in a music video type thing. I was walking around, seeing myself at different stages of my life and doing different things whilst singing the song 'Never Grow Up' by Taylor Swift. The dream ended with me sitting alone in my bedroom, holding a photo of me when I was two in my hands. I looked up at myself and who I am now in the mirror. I looked sad, lost even. It wasn't nice. It was also quite dark in my bedroom. One part of the song in particular kinda keeps swirling around in my mind:
'Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up
Oh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
I could still be littleOh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple'
I really wish I could be back there sometimes. In my past. Getting Princess dresses every year at Christmas time, playing 'Twin Sisters' with my best friend Jane in my Primary School Playground. Things were a lot simpler. Then again, I can't live in the past. Living in the past only prevents you from growing in the future. I can wish away my problems as much as I want but it's only going to hold me back. It's not going to erase the problems from my life.Wishing on a star will only get you so far. If I want my problems to go away, I have to figure out a way to solve them myself. I'll get there... someday. I honestly believe that.
I also got an email from the Murray Grant Academy for the Performing Arts. They said I could pay 200 and something pounds per month instead of paying the £1250 deposit and then a bunch of money each month. It's my last chance and I'm still stunned to have even gotten another one. I know what I want to do but, again, I don't know if I can do it. In my dream last night, I was in a music video type thing. I was walking around, seeing myself at different stages of my life and doing different things whilst singing the song 'Never Grow Up' by Taylor Swift. The dream ended with me sitting alone in my bedroom, holding a photo of me when I was two in my hands. I looked up at myself and who I am now in the mirror. I looked sad, lost even. It wasn't nice. It was also quite dark in my bedroom. One part of the song in particular kinda keeps swirling around in my mind:
'Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up
Oh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
I could still be littleOh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple'
I really wish I could be back there sometimes. In my past. Getting Princess dresses every year at Christmas time, playing 'Twin Sisters' with my best friend Jane in my Primary School Playground. Things were a lot simpler. Then again, I can't live in the past. Living in the past only prevents you from growing in the future. I can wish away my problems as much as I want but it's only going to hold me back. It's not going to erase the problems from my life.Wishing on a star will only get you so far. If I want my problems to go away, I have to figure out a way to solve them myself. I'll get there... someday. I honestly believe that.
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Feeling Reflective...
I phoned MGA today and told them that I couldn't take the place. It was the worst phone call I have ever had to make. Mainly because I didn't want to make it. As soon as I hung up, I started crying. I guess you never realise how much you want something until you can no longer have it. I think it was saying it out loud that made it real and knowing that I had to accept it now. It's finally over. The dream is dead.
For now.
I'm not giving up entirely. I just have to find some alternate routes to get there. I will though. Someday. Hopefully. I'm never going to lose hope. I can't do that.
The thing is, if you really believe in yourself and what you can do (which is what I'm trying to do), then you can do anything. It might take a while and you might have to work really hard but you can get there. I really believe that. On Sunday, I'm going to Barcelona for a week. I kinda need a break from Edinburgh and what has been the best and worst month of my life. I need to do some 'soul-searching' or whatever. I plan on coming home and taking a few classes or something, hopefully getting a job and trying again next year. I just need to save a bit of money first. Or maybe I won't got to MGA. Maybe I'll end up somewhere completely different. Whatever happens, I'll be okay. I have to believe that. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to but it's okay because there will be other things that do. You might just have to wait a little longer for them. And I'll wait for however long I need to. As long as I get there in the end.
For now.
I'm not giving up entirely. I just have to find some alternate routes to get there. I will though. Someday. Hopefully. I'm never going to lose hope. I can't do that.
The thing is, if you really believe in yourself and what you can do (which is what I'm trying to do), then you can do anything. It might take a while and you might have to work really hard but you can get there. I really believe that. On Sunday, I'm going to Barcelona for a week. I kinda need a break from Edinburgh and what has been the best and worst month of my life. I need to do some 'soul-searching' or whatever. I plan on coming home and taking a few classes or something, hopefully getting a job and trying again next year. I just need to save a bit of money first. Or maybe I won't got to MGA. Maybe I'll end up somewhere completely different. Whatever happens, I'll be okay. I have to believe that. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to but it's okay because there will be other things that do. You might just have to wait a little longer for them. And I'll wait for however long I need to. As long as I get there in the end.
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