Think Of What The World Could Be

Wow. It's been a while... Thank God the only person judging me is me...

Okay. So. I just saw The Greatest Showman and it was just as incredible as everyone said it was.

Hugh Jackman and Michelle Williams stole my heart with their adorable love story but the biggest thing I took from it was that, with a hard work and big dreams, anything is possible. 

I love that message.

For as long as I can remember, Hope has been one of the most important things in my life.
Whenever, I was down, I'd simply remember to hope because there was better in my future than this moment of sadness I was in right then.
Whenever I felt a pang of sadness or loss over losing nanny, my first love would tell me the word 'Temporary'. This one word would make me stop and think for long enough for me to remember to have hope because, no matter what I was feeling then, it was only 'temporary'.
There has only ever been one period of time where I have lost hope entirely but my friends and their neverending support and love got me through that time so I never dwell on it. 

The Greatest Showman reminded me of that feeling of being in love and being desperate to be good enough and to prove yourself. While the part of me that felt she wasn't good enough is wearing away with every new thing I involve myself in and every step I take away from that, I still feel desperate to prove myself and to become something.

By 'something', I simply mean that I want to make a difference.
I want to help people and make as many people happy as possible.
Because we're all going to have down moments and not everyone has someone around all the time to remind them it's temporary.

I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do that yet but I'm working on it!

Every time I meet someone amazing, I'm reminded of how even the smallest things are important.
Even tonight! I was walking home after the cinema and I paused to find The Greatest Showman soundtrack on my phone so that I could put my favourite songs on my current playlist when a woman came over to me.
She asked if I was locked out and I explained that I was finding an album on my phone and that I was fine.
The kind woman then took my hand and expressed that she was worried because it's freezing. I told her I had lost my gloves and that I was fine but she was so lovely.
It made me smile most of the way home simply because of how kind and sweet she was.

A couple of weeks ago, while in Marks and Spencer, I complimented the cashier's ring and she was so grateful and sweet. She showed me her matching bracelets and thanked me for the compliment before telling me 'I'm not used to getting compliments'. 
Something I didn't think twice about made that woman's day. My heart broke slightly when she told me she wasn't used to compliments as it was such a simple one.
It just reminded me how important those tiny things are. 

Anyway... 

I kinda went on a tangent... 

On an Edinburgh note, I am so grateful to be from this beautiful city.
I meet some of the loveliest people here and I will be a little bit heartbroken whenever I do move away. 
I've been taking some photos of places I see daily on my walk to/from work or places I grew up seeing.
Edinburgh's just evolving so much that I feel like I need this photographic evidence. Who knows what these streets will look like when I come back with my family one day. 

I hope it's still as kind and welcoming as it always has been. 
Edinburgh people are amazing.

I also hope I can find some way to help people in this city before I leave to start whatever new adventure takes me away from Edinburgh.

The littlest things mean so much to people. 

I hope this make some semblance of sense.
It's midnight and I'm singing along to 'A Million Dreams' and 'Tightrope' from The Greatest Showman soundtrack...

Love, 
Jess
xoxo

The Hardest Word

No, I'm not talking about 'sorry'; I'm talking about 'goodbye'.
It's such a final word, you know?
It's an ending, a word that doesn't offer an opening. It's closing a door that will never be opened again.
At least, it is for me.

I'm an endless trier though. Giving up on friendships, especially, isn't something I take lightly.
Unfortunately, it can't be prevented if the other person in the friendship stops trying.

For any relationship to work, it takes both people to be active participants. Both of you talk, text, tweet, share stories, meet up, etcetera. Even if it's just a few times a month.
I, for example, have two friends who live abroad and we Skype every few weeks and talk on Facebook a few times a month. Sometimes, it isn't more than once in a month because it depends on our schedules but they're still two of my closest friends.
I have another friend who lives in Edinburgh, like me (obviously), and we barely see each other but we both have Snapchat and talk every once in a while. When we see each other though, it's like no time has passed and she's like a sister to me (singing, dancing, acting and CHICKEN forever! (Private joke ;)).
But there goes my point - you can't have a friendship when you don't talk to someone.

One of my best friends and I are going through this right now.
I don't know how it started but our relationship has phased out gradually.
I know it happens but I never expected it to happen to us, you know?
Maybe it was naive of me but I always expected her to be there. We were going to dance at each other's weddings and tell embarrassing stories about each other to our spouses and children.

So I'm left with a burning question: Where did we go wrong?
As I said before, relationships take commitment. You both have to make an effort for it to work and, if you're not talking to each other at all, it's not going to last.
We, gradually, stopped talking to each other late last year and it's just never been the same. We did talk. In November. We had a good conversation on Facebook and we even had a night out together when our mutual friend couldn't make it at the last minute.
It was good to spend time with her. I was particularly fragile after having a hard month due to something I wrote about previously so I enjoyed the chance to let my hair down (metaphorically. It's always down) and have fun. I even met a guy who knew people I went to school with who was really interesting on my way home. It was a good night.
Afterwards though...
I don't know. We went weeks without talking until we exchanged messages over Christmas. She apologised for not talking to me more and I was just thrilled to hear from her. I mentioned seeing her at my birthday but she never replied.
Then we saw each other at New Year. I had no idea we would be getting together but our friend suggested we all went out so we did.
I didn't talk to her until that night and, while we were out, it was like nothing had changed.
But I felt a shift.
My birthday was mentioned and she had no idea anything was happening, despite it being on Facebook and me mentioning it previously.
I mean, my friend who lives in Edinburgh and who I barely talk to but love unconditionally kept my birthday free in case I was doing something - despite nothing being planned at first.
(She ended up taking me out for a delicious dinner on my birthday and it was perfect and sweet and I had a great day)
Maybe it was accidental but I didn't keep my hopes up for seeing her.
On my birthday, my friend and I both got the same message. She'd been asked to work later than originally planned and wouldn't be able to make it.
I'll admit that I felt cheated. I used to visit her all the time when she first moved and we've grown up together. 17 years and now we never talk... It doesn't seem fair and I didn't understand why she couldn't have told her boss she couldn't work later because it was her friends' birthday. The screenshot of her phone showed she was asked - it wasn't a demand.
I'm not saying everyone can get out of shifts but not trying at all made me feel like I didn't mean anything to her.
I let it go and enjoyed my time with the friends who could make it but it felt like an extra step in the path towards the end of our friendship.
I never replied to her Facebook messages after that and she never made any efforts to talk to me so I let it go.
Until my best friend told me she hadn't shown up to said best friend's birthday a few days earlier because she 'hadn't talked to me in a while, didn't know anyone going and didn't want it to be awkward'.
I have several issues with this:

1. It wasn't about her, it was for our best friend and you go regardless
2. She knows me better than to think I would be anything but kind and friendly to her
3. She told our friend she would be there an hour before the party so deciding not to come in the end without telling her wasn't very nice

I don't know if it sounds petty but it felt like a pretty lame excuse. If you can't come, don't come but don't blame someone else for something when you know they're not like you're insinuating.

Anyway, it made me miss her. So I called her at 1AM after seeing Jedward (they were awesome) at midnight on Wednesday/Thursday. She didn't answer but I wasn't surprised because most people are sleeping at that time of the morning on a weeknight but I called her the next day and there was nothing either. I decided to send her a message asking her to call me when she could. I even added a happy emoji to show her it wasn't anything bad.
So I waited a day and there was no response - despite Messenger saying she'd been online a lot.
After waiting a day, I sent her a follow-up message: 

"Okay... Well, it keeps saying you're active but you never reply so here goes. I've known you all my life. Literally. 17 years is more than three quarters of it. I love you. I miss you. And I hate that we don't talk anymore. I don't know how or why it happened but it's been less and less and I hate it. You're family and I love you so much. I'm sorry I didn't reply after my birthday. I was upset you didn't come and I missed you and then it was days that I hadn't replied and... It spiraled. I miss the fact you're so incredibly Scottish and proud and how you have a different opinion to me on most things. I miss hearing about what you're up to and I hate the fact that I couldn't tell you anything you've been up to in these last few months and you couldn't tell me the same about me. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy and living your best life. This is the hard part though because we have two choices. We can either fix our communication problems and be friends or we can keep not-talking and move on from this friendship.I'm not saying that like I want us to never speak again but it's the unfortunate reality. Just know that you're always going to mean something to me and I love you no matter what happens. But you can't be friends with someone you don't talk to. All my love and good wishes, Jess xoxo"

That's it. That's the full message.
I'm writing this post at 10PM on Friday night. If she hasn't responded by this time tomorrow, I'm going to post it with the ending to that story.

I hope she does and that we can work through our issues but, if she doesn't, I'm glad I can say that I did everything I possibly could to try and mend our broken friendship.

Jessica
xoxo

Saturday, 11:19pm

Well, it's been 25 hours and she hasn't read the message.
A year ago, I probably would have suggested she hadn't seen it or had been busy or something but... Messenger tells me she was active four hours ago.
Three days, two phone calls, one important message.

The hardest part of all of this is knowing that I couldn't save us. She ruined this. I tried and never gave up but I, obviously, don't mean as much to her as she once meant to me.

I'm not trying to play the Blame Game here.
I'm not angry at her.
It's just upsetting.

I think I've said before that friendships ending can often be like relationships ending. You spend time with this person, growing together, learning each other and making memories. All for it to be over so quickly that you need a minute to process what's happened.

So it comes back to that word.

This is all I have to say to her now:

Goodbye. Thank you for 17 years of friendship. I'm sorry I couldn't save us but I hope you find happiness with whatever you do in life.
But I'm done. I can't keep playing this game with you where I pretend we're fine and you haven't hurt me and you refuse to tell me why you decided I wasn't someone you wanted in your life after almost 20 years.
I once told you that the only reason I would give up on a person completely were if we didn't love each other anymore.
You don't ignore people you love.
I've made mistakes in friendships. I've hurt people and I'm not trying to say I'm perfect with this post.
One thing I will say about those times though is that I was younger and foolish. I learnt from my mistakes and I tried really hard not to give up on you.
What I didn't realise though, is that you'd already given up on me.
So have a great life. I truly mean that.
Goodbye, for the last time.
Jessica.

Are We Out Of The Woods Yet?

As you can probably tell from the title of this post, this is all about Taylor Swift's incredible new song!!! 

To give you a little idea about how proud of her I am for this album, here's a comment I posted on an article asking people if they were looking forward to Swift's upcoming album '1989' and whether or not we thought her genre-change was a good thing: 

'I love it. I've loved Taylor's progression from Country into a whole new kind of pop-ish genre she's created. The way she changes as she grows is inspiring and I can't wait to hear the whole album.' 

Taylor Swift is one of my favorite artists in the world. Not only is she entirely self-made (she travelled to meet with record labels, joined one of her own choosing, writes her own songs and plays for them too), an incredible singer/performer and hilarious dancer but she's also a good person. She donates to charities but rarely takes credit, helps her fans when she finds them struggling, frequently sings at hospitals for the patients and stands up for what she believes in. 

Besides that, her music is powerful in itself.

Taylor has helped me alone more than she'll ever know. 

Whenever things have been tough in the last few years, the last three years specifically, her music has been there to turn to. 

Whether it was guy problems, girl problems, family issues... Taylor was there. She always had a song I could sing to that'd make me feel better. 

For the thousands of times she's saved me and for the thousands of times she's made me believe I'm strong enough , I'll always love her. She's one of those people I've loved for so long that there's never really any going back for me. 

Anyway... Her song 'Out Of The Woods' came out today! 

To say it's brilliant would be an understatement. 

Here's a comment I posted on a TeenVogue article about her new song: 

'msjessjohnstonIncredible! It's quirky, fun, tells a story... It has the classic Swift touch to it without being anything like any other song she's ever done before.'

It's an incredible, fun, quirky song with a real story about one of those relationships where you're kind of always on edge, waiting for it to blow up and end. The message in the song came across really well with the cool, 80's Pop type beat to it. 

If you can, definitely give it a listen. I love it!