Bad Things Happen In Threes

Just over a week ago, my gran went into hospital.
She woke me up at 5AM because she couldn't breathe and I stayed with her for three hours before calling an ambulance, despite her many requests not to.
The doctors told her she had pneumonia and she ended up having to be in for just over a week.

Last Thursday, I took my cat to the vet and she found a large lump on my cat Oscar's abdomen.
I broke down in tears and didn't stop crying until after my best friend came over at midnight to make sure I was okay.

Today, my uncle swore and pushed my sister because the living room wasn't cleared of my things.

My bedroom's been needing done for years.
I've been struggling to get rid of stuff since my gran and I moved into a smaller house almost seven years ago and multiple reasons over the years have stopped me from getting stuck into it.
While my gran was in hospital, a new carpet was fitted and we moved everything from my room into the living room so I could organise and get rid of things.

I haven't yet gotten everything out of it but I've been doing a little every day and I am extremely grateful for all the help I've had.
What I'm not grateful for is my uncle being self-righteous and nasty.

We've all done things we regret before.
I've said things I shouldn't have and I've apologised but he went behind my back and talked about me to my mum - which isn't even the worst part.
She called him because she was furious with his behaviour and, instead of apologising for it and admitting he was wrong, he called me out on mistakes I've made and pulled my aunt and great aunt into it, saying they were mad too.

I've always hated childishness in adults.
I mean, I'm all for getting silly at Disneyland or getting drunk just to have fun but, when it comes to serious things, I hate it.

There's a time and a place, you know?

A 46-year-old man bitching to his sister about her 20-year-old daughter is pathetic.
If you're going to be an asshole, go ahead and say it to the person's face.
I can take it!
I'm a big girl!

When I have a problem with someone, I go to them about it and try to figure out a way for it to be resolved.
Bitching about someone and refusing to accept when you're wrong is something I would've done in High School.
After the age of 12, it stops being acceptable.

I've always had a complicated relationship with my family because I can't trust a lot of them but I've been mending my relationship with my mum and she has my back.

My uncle though? Once I move, I'm never talking to him again.

People who can't admit when they're wrong and who act like children when they get older are pathetic and I don't need that in my life.

Jessica
xoxo

Why Meeting Up With Old Friends Is Important

It's common knowledge that, as we grow older and move on to different careers or cities, we lose track of people we knew when we were younger.
It's neither a good or a bad thing; it's just something that happens as our opinions and personalities develop.

I met up with a person I wasn't that close with in either Primary or High School but someone who has been there for a lot of my key moments in life and who I share experiences with (same class in Primary School, same circle of friends in Primary/High School).
Since we graduated, our lives have zig-zagged in and out of each others and we meet up from time to time - something we didn't even do much in High School.

One of the biggest things I've noticed since then is that we've both matured an awful lot.
From our fashion to our goals and everything in between. there's not much that hasn't changed or developed in the three years since graduation.
One of my favourite things that's improved is how evenly we can carry a conversation.

I have always struggled with the massive insecurity that I'm not smart.
My best friend got a flush of A's in High School and she's at one of the best universities in the United Kingdom. While she's never judged me for not getting good grades in school or getting into a top university, I have always felt inadequate and like I need to compensate for something in our relationship.

Since high school, my confidence has grown in a lot of ways but not in terms of my intelligence insecurities.
Which is annoying as Hell.

The friend I met with the other day has always been one of those incredibly smart people.
Like my best friend, she got great grades and she has a lot of strong beliefs she stands by which, despite not agreeing with all of them, I really admire.
Our conversations were actually extremely well-balanced.
There were a few topics we brushed over that we knew the other didn't agree with but, instead of getting into a childish squabble, we glossed over it with ease and respected each other's opinions.
She's grown into such an interesting young woman but, if you told me ten years ago that she'd be one of the people I'd still thoroughly enjoy meeting up with after school had finished, I probably would've rolled my eyes and gave you a sarcastic comment.
I'm glad that she surprised me.
She's different to me in so many ways but it helps me grow as a person as I learn to accept her opinions and actually listen.
Instead of High School me who decided everything she believed was right and didn't want to listen to another view if it contradicted her own.

She's going back to university later this year and I can't wait to visit her.
She even gave me advice on my own life and how I could get back into school and studying.
She's a fascinating person who has turned into this brave, wonderful feminist.
Our conversations were fluent and easygoing and we talked about everything.
It was a really fun few hours and I'm looking forward to getting to do it again soon.

I don't know if we'll stay friends or, if like my friend from nursery, we'll grow apart in years to come but I have faith in this friendship.
Taylor Swift says she likes to surround herself with independent women who inspire her to be better (I'm paraphrasing but she said something similar) and I agree.
If you stick with friends who never change and don't help you progress in life, you end up stuck.
I'm glad I'm not the same person I was ten years ago because I could have missed out on a really great person.

So, for however long we end up being friends, I'm incredibly grateful for her different opinions and 'strong feminist' attitude.
The people you knew when you were younger are so significant in our lives and I feel like we lose track of that sometimes because life gets in the way and you forget.

Whatever happens I hope we never forget the person we once were.
They might have been gone for a long time but the people you knew growing up and the person you used to be shaped you into who you are today.

Jessica
xoxo

Frenemies

This morning on the British version of 'The Talk', 'Loose Women', one of their topics was on whether or not friendship breakups are equal to breakups with a partner.
I haven't experienced a breakup upsetting enough to equate the loss of a friendship but I definitely think a friendship breakup is on the same level as some relationships.

As Nadia Sawalha said on 'Loose Women' today, we fall in love with friends in certain ways.
We get to know these people and connect over similar interests and we end up seeing them as much as we're able to.
You bond with your friend, telling secrets, getting life/love advice from them, consoling and being consoled by them...
Friendships are incredibly important relationships in our lives as we learn from these people and grow with them.
The friendships you have in life end up defining you.

But you shouldn't keep friends in your life out of some sense of duty.

I have one friend from primary school that I'm still in touch with. 16 years later and we're still as close as ever. She's lived twenty minutes away from me my whole life and, although we've gone down different paths, she still makes me feel just as important and included as she did when we saw each other every day in school.
We've had hiccups though.
We went to different high schools for a few weeks and I worried we'd stop being friends altogether.
The phone calls grew less and less frequent and we both made new friends.
We worked through it though.
She came to my high school in the end and, even though I had a new best friend (an amazing, fun, bubbly, kind and driven girl I automatically idolized), we stayed close.
She's the only person I've been on holiday with and we have so many memories together that life without her just isn't conceivable.

My high school best friend is a regret.
Not because I regret our friendship but I ended up being really naive and stupid and we said things out of anger which caused the ending of one of the most important friendships of my life.
Our other friend, who I also lost, was someone I ended up talking things through with after a few months and we were able to work it out and she's one of my favourite people in the world. She's funny, sarcastic, talented and absolutely incredible.
I'm glad we saved our friendship but I hate how I lost them both at that time.
My best friend in high school is someone I still admire and respect. I see her, from time to time, and we catch up like old friends. I'm so incredibly grateful for that. I didn't lose her completely, even after my mistake.
But it'll never be like it used to be and I have to accept that.
Losing two friends at once, although it was through my own idiocy, was awful.
I got really low, didn't want to leave the house or talk to anyone and gained weight (I went up two dress sizes). It was awful.
Definitely as painful as a breakup.

Since then, the main friendship I've lost is the girl from nursery.
With that, the break wasn't sudden and it wasn't my fault so I don't carry any guilt from that as I know I tried everything I could to save it.
It still hurt though, despite her phasing me out over time.
I used to love how different we were and how close we were. I could tell her anything and our families had known each other for years. We experienced so much together, all for her to decide I wasn't worth her friendship 17 years later.

But losing a friend you've had for almost 20 years isn't, necessarily, a bad thing.
I'm talking about it broadly and not just my experience.

You grow as you get older; emotionally and spiritually.
You're not always going to have the same friends you've had since you were five years old because things change.
People change, move, gain new experiences and new friends...
Circumstance is a funny thing.
Once you leave school or a job or a city, you find out the people who you were only friends with because you saw them every day.

The people you meet along the road are going to shape you and your experiences in life will mean you might not have room for people you no longer share anything in common with and that's okay.

But it's important not to keep toxic people in your life ('frenemies') as they'll only hold you back from your dreams and goals.

That's all from me!

Jessica
xoxo

Figuring It Out

Unfortunately, this title is misleading. I am not, indeed, 'figuring it out'. It turns out growing up is kind of difficult. By 17, I was supposed to be driving my own car, working and, most importantly, I was supposed to know what my life was going to be from now on. But everything's so much more confusing when it's not all just naive planning. I want to figure my life out, I really do. But I have so many different ideas... I want to sing, I want to sing with children... I probably have more but I kinda got lost in thinking about New York (No idea where that came from. Now, I'm thinking about the beauty of Golden Retrievers... My thought process is confusing). Anyway... Last week, I handed my CV (Curriculum Vitae. Sorry. Had an impulse to write the actual words for some reason) into a hairdressers in Morningside last week. I also applied for a Nursery Assistant job apprenticeship thingy though so I, obviously, am clueless. I don't have specific reasons for wanting the apprenticeship at the hairdressers. I think it would be fun and I'd enjoy learning how to do it, etcetera. I know I'd work hard at it. The apprenticeship at the nursery though... My reasons are so pathetic it's laughable. I want to do it because... Damn. Okay. I've always wanted kids. Always. My mum wasn't there for me like I needed her to be and I've never really felt like anyone in my family has true loyalty to me. Besides myself, obviously. So I've always wanted to be that for someone else. To bring my kids up in the way I wish I had been. With unconditional love and support. If my kids want to be a dinosaur when they grow up, I'll buy them a costume. If they want to be a singer, I'll pay for lessons. If they want to go and see their favourite musician in concert, I'll do whatever it takes to get them there. If they're upset, I'll buy ice cream and we'll spend the night talking and watching Disney movies. If they're gay, I'll embarrass them by pointing out attractive people who I think they'd look good with when we go out sometimes. Who am I kidding? I'll do that either way. The point it that I want to be the best mother I can be. And working with kids is like practice sort of. Not even going into how much I love kids in general. I know this probably sounds really pathetic and kinda lame but it's how I feel. My mum tries so hard with me sometimes and I want to let her in but it's been so long I don't even know how to anymore. My gran, practically, brought me up. I spent most of my childhood with her. I don't even know how to talk to my mum sometimes and I don't really respect her in a parental way because she's not really been that for me. And I know how horrible that sounds and I feel like a terrible person because she tries so hard and it should be easy for me to let her in completely... But, sometimes, I'll say something and she won't understand it or I'll open up about how upset I am about something that's going on in a certain celebrity I like's life and she'll tell me to stop talking about it or she just won't care. When I have kids and they come to tell me that so and so has done this and they're really upset about it, I'm going to listen and actually care because it's upsetting them. I thought that's what being a parent was: listening to your child and trying to help them out even if you don't understand or think it's silly. Nevermind. I didn't mean this to turn into a rant about my mum. I really do love her. She bought me two Barbie doll houses and supported me with my dreams of going to MGA. I feel like such a bitch for complaining. And my childhood wasn't miserable. My gran did awesome! I would get Princess dresses and other nice clothes and she even bought me a dog. She's amazing. I guess I always expected more from them and they couldn't give that to me.
I was attacked last year, something that very nearly broke me (In ways I don't really want to explain right now) and I needed their unconditional love and support. But it wasn't there. They weren't loyal to me and still aren't being loyal to me. That's why I'm so... distant, I guess. I don't feel like they did the right thing and I can't forgive that. I'm one of those people that, when something or something does something that I find so inherently wrong or unforgivable, I don't forgive it. I give second chances to people I find deserving of them but, if you do something I would kill you for doing to my own child, I'll be like an ice queen to you and I will freeze you out of my life completely. I have to protect myself because no one else will.
Sorry... If anyone ever reads this far, kudos to you. You're a saint. This really has become like a diary... I should write more.
Here's to hoping something good comes out of either option!
Jess xoxo