Figuring It Out

Unfortunately, this title is misleading. I am not, indeed, 'figuring it out'. It turns out growing up is kind of difficult. By 17, I was supposed to be driving my own car, working and, most importantly, I was supposed to know what my life was going to be from now on. But everything's so much more confusing when it's not all just naive planning. I want to figure my life out, I really do. But I have so many different ideas... I want to sing, I want to sing with children... I probably have more but I kinda got lost in thinking about New York (No idea where that came from. Now, I'm thinking about the beauty of Golden Retrievers... My thought process is confusing). Anyway... Last week, I handed my CV (Curriculum Vitae. Sorry. Had an impulse to write the actual words for some reason) into a hairdressers in Morningside last week. I also applied for a Nursery Assistant job apprenticeship thingy though so I, obviously, am clueless. I don't have specific reasons for wanting the apprenticeship at the hairdressers. I think it would be fun and I'd enjoy learning how to do it, etcetera. I know I'd work hard at it. The apprenticeship at the nursery though... My reasons are so pathetic it's laughable. I want to do it because... Damn. Okay. I've always wanted kids. Always. My mum wasn't there for me like I needed her to be and I've never really felt like anyone in my family has true loyalty to me. Besides myself, obviously. So I've always wanted to be that for someone else. To bring my kids up in the way I wish I had been. With unconditional love and support. If my kids want to be a dinosaur when they grow up, I'll buy them a costume. If they want to be a singer, I'll pay for lessons. If they want to go and see their favourite musician in concert, I'll do whatever it takes to get them there. If they're upset, I'll buy ice cream and we'll spend the night talking and watching Disney movies. If they're gay, I'll embarrass them by pointing out attractive people who I think they'd look good with when we go out sometimes. Who am I kidding? I'll do that either way. The point it that I want to be the best mother I can be. And working with kids is like practice sort of. Not even going into how much I love kids in general. I know this probably sounds really pathetic and kinda lame but it's how I feel. My mum tries so hard with me sometimes and I want to let her in but it's been so long I don't even know how to anymore. My gran, practically, brought me up. I spent most of my childhood with her. I don't even know how to talk to my mum sometimes and I don't really respect her in a parental way because she's not really been that for me. And I know how horrible that sounds and I feel like a terrible person because she tries so hard and it should be easy for me to let her in completely... But, sometimes, I'll say something and she won't understand it or I'll open up about how upset I am about something that's going on in a certain celebrity I like's life and she'll tell me to stop talking about it or she just won't care. When I have kids and they come to tell me that so and so has done this and they're really upset about it, I'm going to listen and actually care because it's upsetting them. I thought that's what being a parent was: listening to your child and trying to help them out even if you don't understand or think it's silly. Nevermind. I didn't mean this to turn into a rant about my mum. I really do love her. She bought me two Barbie doll houses and supported me with my dreams of going to MGA. I feel like such a bitch for complaining. And my childhood wasn't miserable. My gran did awesome! I would get Princess dresses and other nice clothes and she even bought me a dog. She's amazing. I guess I always expected more from them and they couldn't give that to me.
I was attacked last year, something that very nearly broke me (In ways I don't really want to explain right now) and I needed their unconditional love and support. But it wasn't there. They weren't loyal to me and still aren't being loyal to me. That's why I'm so... distant, I guess. I don't feel like they did the right thing and I can't forgive that. I'm one of those people that, when something or something does something that I find so inherently wrong or unforgivable, I don't forgive it. I give second chances to people I find deserving of them but, if you do something I would kill you for doing to my own child, I'll be like an ice queen to you and I will freeze you out of my life completely. I have to protect myself because no one else will.
Sorry... If anyone ever reads this far, kudos to you. You're a saint. This really has become like a diary... I should write more.
Here's to hoping something good comes out of either option!
Jess xoxo