When Your Boyfriend Isn't Psychic

Just a head's up - this will not be a long post... Hopefully... 

Tonight, I got annoyed at myself. Not my boyfriend (let's call him Danny for the purpose of this post). Myself. 

This happens every now and then. 

I get annoyed at him for all of two seconds and then I stay annoyed at myself for the rest of the night. 

When I'm with him, it's fine because he talks me out of it but, even after speaking to him on the phone, I still feel rubbish. 

I wish things were different.

I wish I didn't have to overthink every little thing. 

I won't go into why I got annoyed. 

Which, I know, will be very frustrating for me when I read this in the future (Trust me, Jess, it wasn't important) but I can't share it because it isn't just my mess to share. 

Danny's involved too. 

It's not his fault I'm like this. 

It is definitely not his fault that I overthink and get upset sometimes when things don't go my way (that's just tonight's example). 

My friend (poor friend who had to sit opposite me while I couldn't eat my pizza because I felt crap) understood what I was getting at but Danny didn't which frustrated me. 

I'd had such a good day as well! Work was good, I was looking into skiing lessons... This just kind of ruined it. 

As soon as Danny made it clear that my plan I had made in my head wasn't going to work out and I wouldn't be able to see him when I'd thought (he didn't even do this in a mean or nasty way), I got frustrated and upset which led to me getting upset with myself. 

When I suggested I stay at mine this weekend instead of the other options, he didn't immediately say no or that I was being ridiculous and of course I should stay at his or whatever which also upset me. 

Then I got upset at him suggesting I just meet him in town because I felt weird doing that. 

You see? 

Do you (Future Jessica) understand why I'm crazy? 

I just needed to write this down because I don't want to talk to anybody when I feel like this and Danny isn't replying to my last texts. 

I really wish I wasn't like this. 

I wish I could be the cool, calm and less worried/overthinking girl that dated that boy who ended up mildly starting a big depression without his knowledge three years ago. 

Danny deserves better than this and I know that which makes me feel even worse, even as I write this. 

I may have taken a second to message him apologising once again... 

Who knows, the apology could make it even more annoying. 

I just... Urgh. 

Over the last three years, I have been constantly working to improve so many aspects of who I am but I hadn't realised this was an issue because I haven't been in a relationship where I care this much. 

What I worry about though is that he could leave me because of this but, if he did, surely that would mean he wasn't the right person for me? 

This is such a mess. 

I'm stopping writing now because I hate myself when I'm like this. 

I just wish I knew of a quick fix. 

I'm trying. 

I am getting better but this is harder to fix when he isn't here and I can't fix that because I'm now not seeing him for two days. 

Who knows. Maybe, the next time I write here, I'll be better with it and I won't be overthinking everything and hating myself for it. 

Harry Styles puts it perfectly in his song 'Falling' when he says: 

'What if I'm someone I don't want around?' 

It'll get easier. 

I just hope he sticks around and manages to find a way to still love me, even when I can't find a single reason to love myself. 

(That was a little too depressing... I'll get over it... I love myself 90% of the time but tonight's just a little tricky) 

Love, 

Jessica

xoxo

P.S. This is an afterthought, more than a P.S but still...
Danny's replied and, of course, he's been perfect. He never lets me feel worse for feeling stupid things and, honestly, he deserves a medal for putting up with my ridiculous self all the time.
I also don't hate myself - that was way too harsh.
I don't like myself very much and I'm annoyed that I've gotten so upset over something so trivial but I don't hate myself.
Life happens and I've come a very long way in the last three years. You can't fix something you didn't realise was a big problem. I'm working on it now and that's what matters.
Maybe Danny will stay and realise that I'm trying really hard.
Maybe he'll leave.
Whatever happens, I have to be okay with me or no one else will ever.
It'll be okay.
But I definitely don't hate myself and I feel bad that this was so depressing.
I just wanted to have one of these times written down because they happen and I ignore it but i can't ignore it if there's evidence and I need to get over it/fix it. 

Bad Things Happen In Threes

Just over a week ago, my gran went into hospital.
She woke me up at 5AM because she couldn't breathe and I stayed with her for three hours before calling an ambulance, despite her many requests not to.
The doctors told her she had pneumonia and she ended up having to be in for just over a week.

Last Thursday, I took my cat to the vet and she found a large lump on my cat Oscar's abdomen.
I broke down in tears and didn't stop crying until after my best friend came over at midnight to make sure I was okay.

Today, my uncle swore and pushed my sister because the living room wasn't cleared of my things.

My bedroom's been needing done for years.
I've been struggling to get rid of stuff since my gran and I moved into a smaller house almost seven years ago and multiple reasons over the years have stopped me from getting stuck into it.
While my gran was in hospital, a new carpet was fitted and we moved everything from my room into the living room so I could organise and get rid of things.

I haven't yet gotten everything out of it but I've been doing a little every day and I am extremely grateful for all the help I've had.
What I'm not grateful for is my uncle being self-righteous and nasty.

We've all done things we regret before.
I've said things I shouldn't have and I've apologised but he went behind my back and talked about me to my mum - which isn't even the worst part.
She called him because she was furious with his behaviour and, instead of apologising for it and admitting he was wrong, he called me out on mistakes I've made and pulled my aunt and great aunt into it, saying they were mad too.

I've always hated childishness in adults.
I mean, I'm all for getting silly at Disneyland or getting drunk just to have fun but, when it comes to serious things, I hate it.

There's a time and a place, you know?

A 46-year-old man bitching to his sister about her 20-year-old daughter is pathetic.
If you're going to be an asshole, go ahead and say it to the person's face.
I can take it!
I'm a big girl!

When I have a problem with someone, I go to them about it and try to figure out a way for it to be resolved.
Bitching about someone and refusing to accept when you're wrong is something I would've done in High School.
After the age of 12, it stops being acceptable.

I've always had a complicated relationship with my family because I can't trust a lot of them but I've been mending my relationship with my mum and she has my back.

My uncle though? Once I move, I'm never talking to him again.

People who can't admit when they're wrong and who act like children when they get older are pathetic and I don't need that in my life.

Jessica
xoxo

Frenemies

This morning on the British version of 'The Talk', 'Loose Women', one of their topics was on whether or not friendship breakups are equal to breakups with a partner.
I haven't experienced a breakup upsetting enough to equate the loss of a friendship but I definitely think a friendship breakup is on the same level as some relationships.

As Nadia Sawalha said on 'Loose Women' today, we fall in love with friends in certain ways.
We get to know these people and connect over similar interests and we end up seeing them as much as we're able to.
You bond with your friend, telling secrets, getting life/love advice from them, consoling and being consoled by them...
Friendships are incredibly important relationships in our lives as we learn from these people and grow with them.
The friendships you have in life end up defining you.

But you shouldn't keep friends in your life out of some sense of duty.

I have one friend from primary school that I'm still in touch with. 16 years later and we're still as close as ever. She's lived twenty minutes away from me my whole life and, although we've gone down different paths, she still makes me feel just as important and included as she did when we saw each other every day in school.
We've had hiccups though.
We went to different high schools for a few weeks and I worried we'd stop being friends altogether.
The phone calls grew less and less frequent and we both made new friends.
We worked through it though.
She came to my high school in the end and, even though I had a new best friend (an amazing, fun, bubbly, kind and driven girl I automatically idolized), we stayed close.
She's the only person I've been on holiday with and we have so many memories together that life without her just isn't conceivable.

My high school best friend is a regret.
Not because I regret our friendship but I ended up being really naive and stupid and we said things out of anger which caused the ending of one of the most important friendships of my life.
Our other friend, who I also lost, was someone I ended up talking things through with after a few months and we were able to work it out and she's one of my favourite people in the world. She's funny, sarcastic, talented and absolutely incredible.
I'm glad we saved our friendship but I hate how I lost them both at that time.
My best friend in high school is someone I still admire and respect. I see her, from time to time, and we catch up like old friends. I'm so incredibly grateful for that. I didn't lose her completely, even after my mistake.
But it'll never be like it used to be and I have to accept that.
Losing two friends at once, although it was through my own idiocy, was awful.
I got really low, didn't want to leave the house or talk to anyone and gained weight (I went up two dress sizes). It was awful.
Definitely as painful as a breakup.

Since then, the main friendship I've lost is the girl from nursery.
With that, the break wasn't sudden and it wasn't my fault so I don't carry any guilt from that as I know I tried everything I could to save it.
It still hurt though, despite her phasing me out over time.
I used to love how different we were and how close we were. I could tell her anything and our families had known each other for years. We experienced so much together, all for her to decide I wasn't worth her friendship 17 years later.

But losing a friend you've had for almost 20 years isn't, necessarily, a bad thing.
I'm talking about it broadly and not just my experience.

You grow as you get older; emotionally and spiritually.
You're not always going to have the same friends you've had since you were five years old because things change.
People change, move, gain new experiences and new friends...
Circumstance is a funny thing.
Once you leave school or a job or a city, you find out the people who you were only friends with because you saw them every day.

The people you meet along the road are going to shape you and your experiences in life will mean you might not have room for people you no longer share anything in common with and that's okay.

But it's important not to keep toxic people in your life ('frenemies') as they'll only hold you back from your dreams and goals.

That's all from me!

Jessica
xoxo

Life Lessons Aren't Always Easy To Learn

You can't just keep expecting people to change. You can hint it to them and tell them how frustrated you are with their actions for years but they'll never change unless they make the decision to. 

I'm having difficulty practicing what I preach right now because it's hard to let go of that hope. You grow up around someone and watch them make the same stupid mistakes all the time and they never learn. When you get older, you try and talk to them about your personal issues and how they could help themselves but, ultimately, you can't change people. 

It's one of the hardest lessons in life to learn but also one of the most important. 

No matter how much you love someone and hope they will change, they're never going to be the person you need them to be. 

So you have two choices: you can live with it and accept them for how they are or you can move on from them and try to cope that way. 

For me, it's someone in my family. Someone you're supposed to love and respect unconditionally. 

I love her, with all my heart, but I find it impossible to look at her in the way I'm expected to. 

I don't respect her choices, I don't understand her actions and some of the things she's done have really affected me emotionally. 

But she has good points. 

She's kind, her heart is in the right place (most of the time) and she tries hard with me. Most of the time. 

Unfortunately, it's the difficult times that tend to make you reflect the most and, for me, I have to decide whether or not I can cope with having it feature in my life prominently. 

It's impossible to cut her out of my life completely and I don't want that. 

If she wasn't who she was, I would have done. A long time ago. 

But it's trickier than that. 

I don't think I'm ever going to stop hoping and praying she'll change one day but I hope I can learn to stop trying. 

It might take me moving far away for it to happen but I'm willing to accept that. 

There's only so much of yourself you can give to a difficult situation before it consumes you.

Jessica

xoxo