I phoned MGA today and told them that I couldn't take the place. It was the worst phone call I have ever had to make. Mainly because I didn't want to make it. As soon as I hung up, I started crying. I guess you never realise how much you want something until you can no longer have it. I think it was saying it out loud that made it real and knowing that I had to accept it now. It's finally over. The dream is dead.
For now.
I'm not giving up entirely. I just have to find some alternate routes to get there. I will though. Someday. Hopefully. I'm never going to lose hope. I can't do that.
The thing is, if you really believe in yourself and what you can do (which is what I'm trying to do), then you can do anything. It might take a while and you might have to work really hard but you can get there. I really believe that. On Sunday, I'm going to Barcelona for a week. I kinda need a break from Edinburgh and what has been the best and worst month of my life. I need to do some 'soul-searching' or whatever. I plan on coming home and taking a few classes or something, hopefully getting a job and trying again next year. I just need to save a bit of money first. Or maybe I won't got to MGA. Maybe I'll end up somewhere completely different. Whatever happens, I'll be okay. I have to believe that. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to but it's okay because there will be other things that do. You might just have to wait a little longer for them. And I'll wait for however long I need to. As long as I get there in the end.
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