Wow. It's been a while... Thank God the only person judging me is me...
Okay. So. I just saw The Greatest Showman and it was just as incredible as everyone said it was.
Hugh Jackman and Michelle Williams stole my heart with their adorable love story but the biggest thing I took from it was that, with a hard work and big dreams, anything is possible.
I love that message.
For as long as I can remember, Hope has been one of the most important things in my life.
Whenever, I was down, I'd simply remember to hope because there was better in my future than this moment of sadness I was in right then.
Whenever I felt a pang of sadness or loss over losing nanny, my first love would tell me the word 'Temporary'. This one word would make me stop and think for long enough for me to remember to have hope because, no matter what I was feeling then, it was only 'temporary'.
There has only ever been one period of time where I have lost hope entirely but my friends and their neverending support and love got me through that time so I never dwell on it.
The Greatest Showman reminded me of that feeling of being in love and being desperate to be good enough and to prove yourself. While the part of me that felt she wasn't good enough is wearing away with every new thing I involve myself in and every step I take away from that, I still feel desperate to prove myself and to become something.
By 'something', I simply mean that I want to make a difference.
I want to help people and make as many people happy as possible.
Because we're all going to have down moments and not everyone has someone around all the time to remind them it's temporary.
I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do that yet but I'm working on it!
Every time I meet someone amazing, I'm reminded of how even the smallest things are important.
Even tonight! I was walking home after the cinema and I paused to find The Greatest Showman soundtrack on my phone so that I could put my favourite songs on my current playlist when a woman came over to me.
She asked if I was locked out and I explained that I was finding an album on my phone and that I was fine.
The kind woman then took my hand and expressed that she was worried because it's freezing. I told her I had lost my gloves and that I was fine but she was so lovely.
It made me smile most of the way home simply because of how kind and sweet she was.
A couple of weeks ago, while in Marks and Spencer, I complimented the cashier's ring and she was so grateful and sweet. She showed me her matching bracelets and thanked me for the compliment before telling me 'I'm not used to getting compliments'.
Something I didn't think twice about made that woman's day. My heart broke slightly when she told me she wasn't used to compliments as it was such a simple one.
It just reminded me how important those tiny things are.
Anyway...
I kinda went on a tangent...
On an Edinburgh note, I am so grateful to be from this beautiful city.
I meet some of the loveliest people here and I will be a little bit heartbroken whenever I do move away.
I've been taking some photos of places I see daily on my walk to/from work or places I grew up seeing.
Edinburgh's just evolving so much that I feel like I need this photographic evidence. Who knows what these streets will look like when I come back with my family one day.
I hope it's still as kind and welcoming as it always has been.
Edinburgh people are amazing.
I also hope I can find some way to help people in this city before I leave to start whatever new adventure takes me away from Edinburgh.
The littlest things mean so much to people.
I hope this make some semblance of sense.
It's midnight and I'm singing along to 'A Million Dreams' and 'Tightrope' from The Greatest Showman soundtrack...
Love,
Jess
xoxo
Showing posts with label Future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Future. Show all posts
Wednesday, 14 February 2018
Thursday, 1 September 2016
Isla
Two weeks ago today, on Thursday 18th August, my grandmother passed away.
It was peaceful and quiet and she wasn't in pain.
She finally got to go home to her husband.
After twenty years apart, I'm sure she was happy to see him.
I walked into the room complaining about how a nurse had mistaken me for a mother of two blonde children, of course I was doing that, but my aunt told me once I'd stopped talking.
Three words and they changed everything.
'Nanny's passed away.'
My auntie Sandra (nanny's sister) was closest to me. She told me to kiss her on the cheek but I couldn't. I just shook my head and put my hand over my mouth and cried.
It didn't last long. I cried for less than a minute.
When I had composed myself, I moved closer to nanny and kissed her forehead before sighing with relief.
Her suffering was over, finally.
I'd said my official 'Goodbye' to her the day before.
She was mostly out of it thanks to the cocktail of drugs they'd put her on to take away any pain in her last few days but she was, apparently, able to hear things.
Nanny told me a hundred times over that she wanted me to find a good man, marry him and have kids.
That's all she ever wanted for me.
I know her views were old fashioned but those were the things in her life that gave her the most happiness and she wanted that for me too.
She loved being married. She loved her husband and raising her children and, then, raising me.
I might not be ready for marriage and kids yet but I know that, when I do, she'll be watching over us all.
I promised her I'd find him and that I'd love him forever - the same way she loved my granddad.
I promised I'd tell our kids all about the strong, kind, wonderful woman who raised me.
She can't truly die until all of our stories about her are finished being told.
With that knowledge, I know it will be a long time before she's really gone forever.
I spent as much time with her as possible when I was younger. Every weekend, every weekday after school... If anyone was ever wondering where I was, you could be sure it was with her.
She was my first best friend, until I met Jane in 2000, and she was my hero.
We had so many traditions, nanny and I...
My favourite was always our trip to Jenners at Christmas. We'd go look at all the toys downstairs and then we'd go see the giant Christmas tree.
To a five year old, there wasn't anything more magical than that.
She loved Christmas. Every year, our house would be sparkling from all the different decorations. She would cook Christmas dinner and I would be amazed at how one person can make a season so magical and perfect.
She also gave me a belief in fairies.
Every year, at Christmas, I would wake up in the morning of Christmas Eve and find a beautiful princess dress hanging on the door next to mine. Nanny always told me the fairies had left it for me and I believed her with everything I had.
Not all of our traditions were at Christmas though.
Another of my favourites is that, whenever I was ill or off from school, she would make 'Make You Well Soup' - that was my childish name for it (I was probably only about three when I started calling it that). Even when I got sent home from school, my mum would drop me off with nanny and she'd have my pajamas wrapped around a hot water bottle in my bed and some soup ready for me.
She even got me a dog - Benji.
Technically, we had Annie first but she had to be re-homed as she was a Greyhound and too much for my gran to handle.
Benji was perfect. He was tiny and adorable and perfect when we first got him.
It was love at first sight with us.
I'm so grateful we got to grow up together because he was the greatest, silliest, most stupidly sweet dog anyone could ever have had.
But, unfortunately, he had to get re-homed too when my gran got even more unwell.
After that, we got Oscar.
I've said a million and one things about him so I don't think I need to expand on that but he was just as special as Benji.
The last thing I ever said to her, even a week on when I saw her in the funeral home (she looked nothing like herself. It was horrible), was 'Goodnight, nanny. I'll see you soon. I love you'
When I was younger, I always used to make her say those three words before I went to sleep.
I know it's morbid but, just in case anything ever happened, I wanted to make sure those were our final words to each other.
Reality isn't always that kind though. I can't remember her last words to me.
I know the jist of them but I don't know them exactly.
She was having a good day, her last good day before she died, and I was going on a work night out. I walked out the door and she called me back in. So I went inside and she was warning me to be careful as people can put things in your drink, etcetera. I laughed and nodded and reminded her that I'm a big girl.
After that, it's hazy.
The day before she died, I told her not to keep holding on for me. I'd be fine. She could let go now.
Not even 24 hours to that conversation and she was gone.
These last two weeks have been really strange.
I haven't cried much. I don't know why, especially seeing as I barely stopped crying to breathe after Oscar died.
Nanny was the strongest women I've ever known.
Maybe she's watching over me and helping me to be strong too.
I started college this week and I'm heading to St Andrews tomorrow for a new adventure.
Nanny's gone and, while it breaks my heart that she wont ever get to meet the man I marry or our kids, I know she'll be with us regardless.
It's all she wanted for me and I'll get it eventually.
So, when I do, she'll become my family's own, personal Guardian Angel.
If you believe in those sorts of things.
I'm not sure if I do or not but it's a nice thought.
I miss her so much but I'm so glad she's not in pain anymore.
Goodnight, nanny. I love you.
Jezebel
xoxo
It was peaceful and quiet and she wasn't in pain.
She finally got to go home to her husband.
After twenty years apart, I'm sure she was happy to see him.
I walked into the room complaining about how a nurse had mistaken me for a mother of two blonde children, of course I was doing that, but my aunt told me once I'd stopped talking.
Three words and they changed everything.
'Nanny's passed away.'
My auntie Sandra (nanny's sister) was closest to me. She told me to kiss her on the cheek but I couldn't. I just shook my head and put my hand over my mouth and cried.
It didn't last long. I cried for less than a minute.
When I had composed myself, I moved closer to nanny and kissed her forehead before sighing with relief.
Her suffering was over, finally.
I'd said my official 'Goodbye' to her the day before.
She was mostly out of it thanks to the cocktail of drugs they'd put her on to take away any pain in her last few days but she was, apparently, able to hear things.
Nanny told me a hundred times over that she wanted me to find a good man, marry him and have kids.
That's all she ever wanted for me.
I know her views were old fashioned but those were the things in her life that gave her the most happiness and she wanted that for me too.
She loved being married. She loved her husband and raising her children and, then, raising me.
I might not be ready for marriage and kids yet but I know that, when I do, she'll be watching over us all.
I promised her I'd find him and that I'd love him forever - the same way she loved my granddad.
I promised I'd tell our kids all about the strong, kind, wonderful woman who raised me.
She can't truly die until all of our stories about her are finished being told.
With that knowledge, I know it will be a long time before she's really gone forever.
I spent as much time with her as possible when I was younger. Every weekend, every weekday after school... If anyone was ever wondering where I was, you could be sure it was with her.
She was my first best friend, until I met Jane in 2000, and she was my hero.
We had so many traditions, nanny and I...
My favourite was always our trip to Jenners at Christmas. We'd go look at all the toys downstairs and then we'd go see the giant Christmas tree.
To a five year old, there wasn't anything more magical than that.
She loved Christmas. Every year, our house would be sparkling from all the different decorations. She would cook Christmas dinner and I would be amazed at how one person can make a season so magical and perfect.
She also gave me a belief in fairies.
Every year, at Christmas, I would wake up in the morning of Christmas Eve and find a beautiful princess dress hanging on the door next to mine. Nanny always told me the fairies had left it for me and I believed her with everything I had.
Not all of our traditions were at Christmas though.
Another of my favourites is that, whenever I was ill or off from school, she would make 'Make You Well Soup' - that was my childish name for it (I was probably only about three when I started calling it that). Even when I got sent home from school, my mum would drop me off with nanny and she'd have my pajamas wrapped around a hot water bottle in my bed and some soup ready for me.
She even got me a dog - Benji.
Technically, we had Annie first but she had to be re-homed as she was a Greyhound and too much for my gran to handle.
Benji was perfect. He was tiny and adorable and perfect when we first got him.
It was love at first sight with us.
I'm so grateful we got to grow up together because he was the greatest, silliest, most stupidly sweet dog anyone could ever have had.
But, unfortunately, he had to get re-homed too when my gran got even more unwell.
After that, we got Oscar.
I've said a million and one things about him so I don't think I need to expand on that but he was just as special as Benji.
The last thing I ever said to her, even a week on when I saw her in the funeral home (she looked nothing like herself. It was horrible), was 'Goodnight, nanny. I'll see you soon. I love you'
When I was younger, I always used to make her say those three words before I went to sleep.
I know it's morbid but, just in case anything ever happened, I wanted to make sure those were our final words to each other.
Reality isn't always that kind though. I can't remember her last words to me.
I know the jist of them but I don't know them exactly.
She was having a good day, her last good day before she died, and I was going on a work night out. I walked out the door and she called me back in. So I went inside and she was warning me to be careful as people can put things in your drink, etcetera. I laughed and nodded and reminded her that I'm a big girl.
After that, it's hazy.
The day before she died, I told her not to keep holding on for me. I'd be fine. She could let go now.
Not even 24 hours to that conversation and she was gone.
These last two weeks have been really strange.
I haven't cried much. I don't know why, especially seeing as I barely stopped crying to breathe after Oscar died.
Nanny was the strongest women I've ever known.
Maybe she's watching over me and helping me to be strong too.
I started college this week and I'm heading to St Andrews tomorrow for a new adventure.
Nanny's gone and, while it breaks my heart that she wont ever get to meet the man I marry or our kids, I know she'll be with us regardless.
It's all she wanted for me and I'll get it eventually.
So, when I do, she'll become my family's own, personal Guardian Angel.
If you believe in those sorts of things.
I'm not sure if I do or not but it's a nice thought.
I miss her so much but I'm so glad she's not in pain anymore.
Goodnight, nanny. I love you.
Jezebel
xoxo
Saturday, 27 April 2013
I Don't Know What I Want But That's Okay
Sometimes, you just have to stay in bed on your own and listen/sing along to Taylor Swift's new album Red all day. That's what I've been doing so far. I kind of had a mini-mid-mid-life crisis. I was frustrated. Everyone's talking about getting into college and university etcetera and I'm not moving forward at all. I'm aware that I'm not very smart or really very special at all in any unique way. I used to be semi-okay with that but everything just kind of started to sink in all at once. My friends, like Rachel and Kurt in the most episode of Glee (4x20), were pressuring me to move on and find something to do etcetera and I found myself trapped. Of course I'm ashamed and embarrassed about the fact that my life isn't going anywhere but their questions/advice, no matter how well they mean all of it, is just making me feel even worse.
Anyway, I really related to Santana's storyline in this episode because I'm in a similar position. The scene with Isabelle Wright was really nice. I loved it.
Santana: Listen, I really love dancing. I'm just not like you guys. I don't know what I wanna do or how I'm even gonna get there.
Isabelle: But you have plenty of time to figure it out. And it doesn't have to be ballet or Broadway. Just as long as it's something that you love, something that feeds your soul. And Santana, baby steps are okay.
That scene was like something I wish would happen in my life. I really love singing but I have absolutely no idea what I want to do or how I'm going to get there. Unfortunately, I don't have an Isabelle in my life to tell me everything's going to be okay and the fact that I don't know what I want or where I'm going in life is okay just now because I don't have to yet; I'll figure it out eventually.
I finish High School next Thursday (2nd May) and the day after's my 'Fun Day' with the entire year (We'll just see how that goes... I might be dressing up as Robin from 'Batman and Robin' but I don't have a Batman so... I spent £30 on that stupid costume though. Hmm... I suppose I could always be a Princess... We'll see), Prom's June 14th (Still need to buy my fricking dress) and then I think I'm officially graduated but I'm not entirely sure. I don't know what the future holds for me but I'll get by. Hopefully. Anyway, yeah... Don't really know what else to say... Bye!
Anyway, I really related to Santana's storyline in this episode because I'm in a similar position. The scene with Isabelle Wright was really nice. I loved it.
Santana: Listen, I really love dancing. I'm just not like you guys. I don't know what I wanna do or how I'm even gonna get there.
Isabelle: But you have plenty of time to figure it out. And it doesn't have to be ballet or Broadway. Just as long as it's something that you love, something that feeds your soul. And Santana, baby steps are okay.
That scene was like something I wish would happen in my life. I really love singing but I have absolutely no idea what I want to do or how I'm going to get there. Unfortunately, I don't have an Isabelle in my life to tell me everything's going to be okay and the fact that I don't know what I want or where I'm going in life is okay just now because I don't have to yet; I'll figure it out eventually.
I finish High School next Thursday (2nd May) and the day after's my 'Fun Day' with the entire year (We'll just see how that goes... I might be dressing up as Robin from 'Batman and Robin' but I don't have a Batman so... I spent £30 on that stupid costume though. Hmm... I suppose I could always be a Princess... We'll see), Prom's June 14th (Still need to buy my fricking dress) and then I think I'm officially graduated but I'm not entirely sure. I don't know what the future holds for me but I'll get by. Hopefully. Anyway, yeah... Don't really know what else to say... Bye!
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