I Don't Know

Three words that have been flying around in my head like a constant stream of confusion since he left me.
This past month has been strange.
I'm getting hit on more than ever before, rejecting more people as politely as possible than I ever thought I'd have to and making decisions based on sadness and alcohol when I really shouldn't.

The thing about heartbreak is that it comes in waves. The first few days were the hardest, then I was managing to cope until Christmas and then New Year and then my birthday; three awful days for me mentally.
I don't understand anything.
I lost him but I've also lost myself and I can't decide which one's worse.

Because I miss him more than I should. He left me so I should be angry at him for it and want him to suffer but love isn't like that.
I love him more than I ever thought possible and I still just want him to be happy. Regardless of how badly he broke me.
Love means being selfless. It means putting someone else's happiness before your own and doing whatever you can to ensure their happiness lasts.
I just want him to be okay.
I want him to be happy.
What I'm slowly realising and struggling to come to terms with is the fact that his happiness might include me being gone forever.

There's a great song by Adele. It's an older one and it's called 'Don't You Remember?'. In it, Adele asks her former love if he remembers why he left her and asks him when she'll see him again. There was no proper 'Goodbye' or closure from the relationship and she wonders if he even still thinks about her.
I relate to this so badly right now.
I think about him constantly. There's not a day that's gone by since he left where I haven't wondered if he's okay.
But maybe he isn't thinking about me. Maybe he hasn't thought about me once since he left.
I know him better than to actually believe that but I don't think he's thought about me as much or in the same way.
What I'm really terrified of though is that he's falling out of love with me.
Because I can't fall out of love with him.
No amount of stupid decisions or desperate attempts at moving on will change that.

There's a saying that goes 'When it's real, you can't walk away'.
I used to believe that with every part of my being but I don't know if I do anymore.
Sometimes, you have to walk away to realise that the person you love is who you're meant to be with.
But that might just be me thinking that while he moves on with his life and leaves me in his past.

What kills me is that I was so sure about him. I've never been in love before but I knew, from the moment we met and then had our first proper conversation, that I could never walk away from him.
He used to say the same about me. He used to.

Another funny thing is that I still can't say a harsh word against him.
My friends are angry at him for hurting me and I understand that entirely because no one's ever seen me as bad I was when he left and my best friends have had to convince me into believing that my life is worth living and that I'm stronger than I'm saying and that's not fair to them.
I get it. I get all of it. All of their anger and frustration.
But I still think the world of him.
I always will.
I have never been more sure of anything in my life than I am of the fact that I will always love him and be so incredibly grateful that I got to be his first love and that he was mine.

First loves are so important and mine was incredible. Every moment until the last month of our relationship was worth all of the pain I'm in right now.
You could ask me in ten years if I would change anything and I guarantee that I would still say no to that.
He was kind and loving and compassionate and smart...
He made me feel so special when I was with him and reminded me of how much he loved me in random moments when we were apart.

I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again.
I can't say I won't but love and marriage and anything that involves the future... They're things I can't think about anymore.
Even if I don't ever feel that way about someone again and I end up alone with a golden retriever, I will still consider myself so lucky to have been his and to have gotten to spend those months with him by my side.

People so often tend to lash out or get angry after a break up but I will never say a bad word against him. He saved me from drowning when I lost my gran. He just didn't save me when I lost him.
Which is probably why I still burst into tears if I accidentally see something he's commented on on Facebook...

John Green wrote that 'pain demands to be felt' and I'm in constant pain without him.
But the pain reminds me that everything we had was real. So bring on the rain and the breathlessness. Bring on the feeling of drowning when I'm walking down the street and see something that reminds me of him.
I don't care. It just means that he was important.

Now, I don't know how he's doing or if he even really gets upset by not having me anymore. It doesn't necessarily seem like it but I haven't seen nor heard from him so...

I don't know if I want to either.
I still have things in his flat in another town but I know that a text from him and seeing him will break me again and I don't know if I'm ready to go back to those early days yet.
We need space and time - he was right about that.
I won't get in contact with him and he won't with me until he gets so annoyed at having my crap in his house that he texts me with a plan.

Whatever happens though, I hope he's happy in the end.
I don't know if this is it for us or if he is The One but he deserves the best out of life. Truly.
I hope he finds it.

Jessica
xoxo

All I Ask

'It matters how this ends...
What if I never love again?'

Two of the most heartbreaking lyrics ever written.
And I couldn't relate more.

It's a funny thing, heartbreak.
This is my first real experience with it. Losing my first love has broken me entirely and I'm not sure how to find myself again after this.
But was it worth it?

God, yes.

We met shortly after my gran died. I was coping but I was still struggling. I wasn't sure if I'd get through the next few months but I was hopeful.
I met him with a closed heart.
I wasn't going to date. I needed time to figure out who I was and I needed to do that by being single.
Also, I hate dating. It's awkward and I never know what to say and it felt like too much too soon.
But then I met him and everything changed.
Not to be cheesy but I'd compare it to a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.
He was tall and gorgeous and I melted into him.
At one point, I went outside and he asked if I was coming back. I felt like telling him that I would always, for as long as I was able, come back to him. Instead, because I'm not entirely creepy, I just told him I would.
He ended up coming outside and we talked and we stayed together for the rest of the night.
Then we made plans to see each other and the rest is history.

I knew I loved him when he left to go back for university.
I've never been in love before and it was so scary to think that I could have fallen in love with him so quickly after losing nanny but I did. After our first date, I wrote that I was sure he was The One.
The next weekend, I visited him and we told each other about our histories (all of the bad stuff) and he told me he loved me. We also had drama that weekend as he got ill and I panicked and looked after him. I made homemade soup for the first time. It wasn't that great but he was kind about it.

I wanted to be so perfect for him. He's an incredible man and I wanted to be good enough for someone like him. He pushed me to be better and believed in me when I didn't. He knew me better than anyone else ever has and he held me when I needed to cry. And I never went to bed feeling unloved or alone when I was with him.

Then it got difficult and he needed space and I understood.
I've known we were breaking up since the 'I love you' goodnight texts stopped.
I understand why we broke up and I think it was for the best in some ways but I can't get over how it happened. The look in his eyes when he confirmed I was right and he was breaking up with me... He'd never looked at me like that before. It was cold and heartbreaking and I didn't know looks could kill you emotionally before but they can and it's not fun.

We have to meet to exchange stuff (things I kept at his, his T-Shirt) and I don't know how I'll cope.
I have always been great at keeping my emotions in check but, after he left me yesterday, I burst into tears and ran through Princes Street like a fool.
He'd already changed his relationship status (on facebook) by the time I got to the west end.
A man actually gave me a packet of tissues to wipe my eyes with because I was crying. He told me I was beautiful and that my first love 'wasn't worth' the tears I was crying and the pain I'm in.
And I want to be mad because he broke up with me in such a cruel way.
But I can't be angry at him because I love him and I know he did what he thought was best for him and I can't argue with that.

I went to the place I met him (back in the beginning) with Jane at about two in the afternoon and got drunk. I'm not proud of that but I needed something to ease my pain or make me feel it, truly feel it.
Because I don't know what to do now.
Four months may not seem like a very long time but he was my first love.
He promised we'd be together for the rest of our lives  and told me I'd be 'loved and taken care of' forever and I'm not sure how to be alone anymore.
I've been his girlfriend for what feels like a really long time and I don't know how not to be.
I don't think I can move on from this quickly because I still hope he'll find his way back to me someday.
Maybe he will.
I don't know.
I used to love imagining the future but now I can't because it hurts too much.

Heartbreak is the worst pain I have ever felt.
I know girls have had their hearts broken and gotten over it (two lovely women in the bathroom at the bar yesterday talked to me for ages about it) and I know that I will too one day.
I didn't eat anything yesterday because I couldn't handle it and I didn't sleep well or much at all.
I'm okay with this though. The pain reminds me that it was real and that he was real at one point.

Loving him has been both the greatest and the most heartbreaking experience of my life but every single second with him when we were happy and he loved me was worth all of this pain.
I'm always going to love him, regardless of what happens now.
And, if he finds his way back to me (which I hope he will), I will love him just as much as I do now.
If he doesn't... I'll find a way to be happy. I really just hope he finds someone incredible.
He doesn't think it of himself but he's a wonderful person and he should never settle for anyone who thinks he is anything other than extraordinary.
I hope she's kind and beautiful and cooks for him (he's a terrible cook) but, most of all, I hope she loves him as much as I have. He deserves so much love and happiness from this world and I hope he finds someone who can give him that, even if it's not me.

What I hope for myself right now though (I definitely can't think about falling in love again, who knows if I'll even be capable? Hence the Adele quote) is that I find myself.
The not eating and sleeping thing is getting old already and I hate being this sad. I hate that I've cried in public so many times and that I can't think of ways to be happy.
I can remember happiness. I see it in my face when I see a photo of him and I and I can remember it all. Every moment with him. The best moments (him asking me to be his girlfriend outside Surgeon's Hall, him telling me he loved me, him coming up behind me and kissing me in the kitchen when I was cooking, the fact he'd always smile when he woke up and his eyes focused on my face...)... All of it is imprinted on my heart like a tattoo and I still smile thinking of those times.
But happiness isn't an option for me right now and that's okay.
I need time to heal and to grieve him because I have lost so much this year.
When you've imagined a future with someone, it's hard to say goodbye to that.
I'm not only grieving losing a best friend and a boyfriend; I'm crying for everything that won't happen now. All of it's just gone.

I'm writing this down because I want to remember it. I'm in Hell right now and I can't imagine being happy but I want to be and I will be eventually.
Having this down in some form means that I can read it in the future and be reminded of how painful it was but also know I got through it.

If he and I are meant to be together, he'll come back to me in time.
If we're not, I hope he finds happiness with someone brilliant.

'And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more and I might be okay but I'm not fine at all'

Jessica
xoxo

I've Forgiven It All, You Set Me Free

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past ten hours or so, you'll recognize those lyrics from the Adele song 'Send My Love (To Your New Lover)'.
The music video (a beautiful, understated, classic black background with Adele in a floral dress blowing your mind - yet again) debuted at the Billboard Music Awards last night and I have watched it about a hundred times since.

The video came at an interesting time for me, personally, as I have finally started to realize something about myself and the way I love.

It's no secret that I loved this guy who will never love me back but I sent a text to my friend last night after I came to a realization about it.
I texted her:

"I had an epiphany. I want a guy who gets just as excited as me about Disney. Who's strong and kind and intelligent but doesn't mind making a fool out of himself every now and then. I want Phil Dunphy"

Okay, this was after two in the morning but you never know when things are gonna hit you.
Phil Dunphy, for those out there who haven't come across Modern Family, is the dad of the Dunphy kids.
Modern Family is a mockumentary about three parts of one family.
I'm not going to go into it all but Phil is my favorite character.
He's a hardworking dreamer who stops at nothing to bond with his kids. The first episode has him singing and dancing to a High School Musical song.
To cut it short, he's my dream dad.
When I was a kid, I would've loved my dad to try and figure out my interests and to do whatever it took to make me happy.
He's funny, sexy (by that, I mean his attempts are adorable. Clive Bigsby anyone?) and he never stops dreaming.

I can't really explain all the reasons as to why he's my dream guy but the bigger point is that I finally accepted something I'd been struggling to for a long time;
You can't keep chasing after ghosts, wishing they'd fall in love with you.

Life isn't one big romantic comedy.
The guy doesn't always get the girl and the girl doesn't always get the guy she's hopelessly in love with.
The girl moves on or the guy falls in love with someone else and where does that leave you?
Alone and miserable.

Last night, I had to accept that maybe, instead of me not being good enough for him, he's not right for me.
Someone can seem perfect in so many ways but, if they can't see that in you, why are you even wasting another thought on them?
You have to grow up and accept that you're worth better than wishing in someone who will never see you.
Once you accept that, you're free.

Which is why I chose those lyrics for my title.
I've forgiven everything that happened, I don't regret it because it taught me so much but I'm done with it. I'm free now.

Hold out for your Phil Dunphy.

Jessica
xoxo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk4BbF7B29w

My Favorite GRAMMY's Looks

Sam Smith looks stunning in that tailored to perfection navy suit while Selena Gomez shows off her incredible body in the most gorgeous, sparkling blue dress. James Bay kept it cool with his velvet suit jacket, adding a twist on the classic tuxedo. When doesn't Adele look flawless? The cinched in waist gives the dress an elegant edge and I love the glitter.