The End of Lockdown

The restrictions around lockdown will be easing from next week.

This means my boyfriend has already brought up when I will be going back to my own flat.

I hadn't thought about that possibility in weeks.

It probably isn't healthy but I've been living in my bubble with him for two months and I got comfortable.

I haven't spent this much time with someone since I lived with nanny in our homes and his constant presence eased my pain of not being able to see my friends and family.

Okay, there were some issues in the beginning as we navigated the mildly treacherous waters of going from seeing each other half the week to spending almost all of our time together but we got there in the end and the last month or so has been lovely. We're in our routine of food shopping and him playing his xBox all day on Saturday then spending time together on Sunday so that we each get what we need (for him, space. for me, company). I'm extremely content.

When he brought it up last night, I could feel my mood change. It was almost as if he'd flicked a switch.
My bubble was suddenly burst and I had to listen to what he was saying.

Of course, I explained why I was sad and he didn't understand but he was kind and sweet and he refused to leave until I'd cheered up a bit.
It did help and when he came through and spent the whole night with me, I was able to forget about my sadness momentarily.

At least until this morning...

My flatmate messaged our group chat so I let her know I'd probably be back within the next few weeks. She then said we'd have to practice social distancing, despite the fact you don't have to socially distance from people you live with.

I told my boyfriend this and he didn't make any comments to say whether I'd be staying for even some of it or going or anything.

For some reason, this upset me so I left and went back to the bedroom.
I only went back through to the room he's in once to return the cookies I was planning on having for breakfast seeing as there isn't any milk for cereal.

Unfortunately for me, he knows me.

I can't eat when I'm feeling any kind of negative emotion and he knows this so he came through shortly afterwards to ask me why I was sad and what he had done because he didn't understand.

He hadn't done anything and I know we have different viewpoints on us staying together and me leaving so I didn't want to tell him this again or frustrate him but he wouldn't leave until I explained why I was sad so I did.

He got frustrated in his lack of understanding and told me 'I don't understand. We don't live together' but that wasn't why I was upset.

I was (still am) upset about the lack of clarity.

From his words, it sounds like he thinks lockdown is over completely next week but I don't think that's the case so I have questions:

Will we go back to seeing each other for half the week? 

Will we be able to? 

Will he even want me to seeing as I'm on furlough for three weeks starting from 1st June and ending on 19th June? (He's an introvert - he isn't horrible, just needs space) 

Will I be able to see friends or will I be alone (okay my flatmate's there but she works in the hospital every other week and is home every other week. She works in the kitchen though so I have a strong feeling cooking will be difficult...)? 

Will I be just at my flat for the whole three weeks? 

The annoying thing is that I understand where he's coming from and I feel awful for being so upset about it.

He has had me living with him for two months now and he hasn't complained once.

Okay, there have been stressful points but he's never been cruel or unkind - despite being a person who needs a large amount of space.

If I'm being honest with myself, I know that he probably would've found it easier if I'd gone home for half of lockdown but he let me stay because he put my emotions first.

Now that I'm going to be on furlough, I should probably put his emotions first and just go home.

But I'm really struggling with that.

It would be easier if I knew the end-date or what was going to happen but the thing about Coronavirus is that the government are having to make plans daily as the situation changes.

I love him so much but the idea of being completely alone without any comfort is making me feel so sad, I'm numb.

I just don't know.

If this were a facebook post, I'd ask for suggestions on what to do but it isn't and no one reads this.

My head is saying I should go home and give him that space he needs for the entirety of my furlough.

My heart is begging me to stay.

But we're having the conversation about it next week and I might not get a choice either way.

I hope that I can keep my emotions in check whichever outcome it is.

Unfortunately, I know myself better than to think I can hide my sadness from him.

I can hide it from strangers and even some family members but not him and not Jane.

Because they're the two people I love most in the world.

Urgh.

It's been 40 minutes since he went back through and I suppose I feel a little better.

Writing this has cleared my head ever so slightly but the impending conversation, my last week at work and the thought of having to re-meet my friend's boyfriend over Skype tomorrow after not-liking him for months (he was rude when I met him) means that this next week is going to be interesting.

...

Right after I wrote that, my boyfriend came through to check on me.

I tried to explain about the head/heart thing but he didn't say much to that.
What he did say was that lockdown is over next week.

I tried to say that that isn't exactly what I'd read but then he asked if I had even properly read it so I gave up talking.

He stayed for about half an hour and he was affectionate and loving but it's still in my head.

At one point, we were facing each other while lying in bed and I couldn't get it out of me head that this might be our last weekend where we're able to do this.

Our last weekend in our bubble.

I do feel better though.

Even if I do have Olly Murs' 'Ask Me To Stay' stuck in my head...

It doesn't even relate to the situation... I think it's just the title.

It's a great song though.

Oh well...

I guess I should just focus on going home next weekend.

I'll need to think about a bunch of things.

1. I should definitely change my bedding as soon as I get home
2. I need to go to Sainsbury's
3. I'll probably need to get a taxi as I've got a backpack and a big bag and will probably have at least two shopping bags of stuff...

Okay, I'm stopping there because it's stressing me out.

At least I can leave my board games here because I can't play them on my own...

I really am grasping at straws for positives here but hey ho...

It is what it is.

Today, I'm going to reply to Jane and chill by myself. Maybe have some wine later.

I would go to the shops but I don't have any motivation to do so.

I'm not as sad as I was when I started writing but I still feel crap and drained so...

Sorry if anyone does read this and it's really depressing...

Love,
Jessica
xoxo

New Year, Incredibly New Start

Well this will most definitely be less depressing than the last post... 

I'm currently writing this from a train on the way to Newcastle on my way to my hospice induction. 
2020 has been a pretty big year so far. 
I got offered a job that's certainly a step in the right direction towards my dream career in charity and I am now a Supporter Relations Officer for Marie Curie. 
I couldn't be happier. 

While money will still be tight for the next month and I'll still have a long way to go before I'm anywhere close to where I was financially in 2018, I'm moving forward and that's all that matters. 

I still have that incredible boyfriend and we're now steadily approaching the seven month mark - a fact that seems almost unbelievable to me. 
My only issues there are in regards to my overthinking... 
I'm getting better but I'm not perfect. I guess no one is really but the overthinking thing is driving me as nuts as it's probably driving him. 

In a way, I can't really be too hard on myself for it. 
In the last three years, I've lost the person who raised me, gone through the worst depression of my life, picked myself up from that, been really good with money, been really bad with money and eventually gotten on the right track for my dream job. 

I've been busy. 

The thing is, as much as my overthinking annoys me, my boyfriend deals with it perfectly. 
I\m so used to going it alone that I still never really think about how someone else could help me. 

I had an overthinking moment yesterday. 
Usually, it would take me about three or four hours to talk myself out of the weird funk that my head is in but he talked me through it and I felt fine after half an hour. 

He is so consistently good to me and I really have no idea how much longer I'll have with him or if I'll be lucky enough to have him in my life forever but he is the only person in the world who makes me feel like I can be completely me and he won't get annoyed. 
Of course, I've known my best friend Jane for over 20 years now but it's a different level of comfort. 
He sees me at my most vulnerable, my happiest, my most worried, my most stressed.... Everything, sometimes in the space of one week, and he deals with me perfectly every time. 

There's a Taylor Swift song from her latest album called 'Afterglow' and I've always resonated with the lyrics in regards to him. 
More specifically, these: 

'I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue

Put you in jail for something you didn’t do

I pinned your hands behind your back, oh

Thought I had reason to attack, but no' 

'Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

But it's not what I meant

Sorry that I hurt you

I don't wanna do, I don’t wanna do this to you (Ooh)

I don’t wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)

I need to say, hey, it’s all me, just don't go

Meet me in the afterglow' 

I won't share too much about my relationship because, even though I truly believe I am the only person who will ever read this, it's still on the internet and I'm a more private person than I was a few years ago. 

What I will say is that, as we've spent more time with each other, I have found myself getting annoyed at him over stupid little things and then finding myself confused the next day as to why I got so worked up over something so trivial. 

I don't know if it's hormones or what it is but it's annoying. 

Still, he stays though. 

I got so wrapped up in the memory of not saying when I was upset about something in my last relationship that I decided to say when any little thing annoyed me in my current one and I don't necessarily think that's the right idea either. 

I need to think through things more because he doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend who gets worked up about every little thing. 

The last thing I want is for us to break up and for him to get another girlfriend who doesn't have these crazy moments and for him to think 'Oh wow, Jess was insane. This is really what a relationship should be like'. 

Okay, I'm reaching but that's not really the point here. 

What I love about our relationship (amongst other things) is that we're not afraid to admit we're not perfect but we're trying for each other. 

I would much rather be in a relationship that's real and that I have to work on than one where we constantly tell each other how much we love each other and everything's always perfect and wonderful. 

That doesn't feel real to me. 

I've had that before and I look back and almost laugh at us for being so naive and stupid. 

But we were young and I guess that's what you do when you're young. 

You play pretend at being grown ups when you really don't know anything about love or relationships. 

In many ways, I still don't but I'm learning and I know now what I deserve and what I'm willing to fight for. 

The way I'm feeling right now, I don't know if I could be this happy with someone else. It's still relatively early and I'm sure I probably could be if I was given a few years but I can't find myself picturing a future without him in it and I don't really want to. 

I am so incredibly happy and grateful for him. 

I'll work on myself forever if I have to to make this work. 

But I am getting better! Which gives me hope. 

I think the new job has a large amount to do with that. 

Speaking of... 

I love it. 

I am so happy. 

At Standard Life, I dreaded going into work every single day. 

I had horrible luck with managers, the second of which seemed to pick solely on me which was incredibly unfair, and I didn't feel like anything I did was good enough. 

My best example of how awful Standard Life was was when I got questioned for being ill. 

I get tonsillitis almost every year and I have for the last three or four years. 

When I got it in August last year, I was actually accused of making it up simply because I had mentioned wanting to see some fringe shows that were on during the 9-5 working day in the week. 

I had a doctors note and antibiotics but I was still faking it in my manager's eyes. 

When I had a horrible cold all week a couple of weeks ago, my manager actually suggested I go home and she made sure I had the number for calling in sick. When I called the next day, that manager told me to take care of myself and to call on Monday if I still wasn't better. 

The whole experience made me feel so much better because I wasn't judged for being ill, I was supported and not made to feel like a liar which was different. 

I never really had this with Highland Experience because they were pretty good to me too but Standard Life was awful. 

The biggest mistake I've ever made was working there and I am so glad I got out when I did, even if it wasn't the most ideal situation to be in. 

A few months ago, in November, I felt sick at my decisions and where I had ended up. 

I knew it would all work out eventually but I didn't know when or how or if I would be okay until it did. 

My family, friends and boyfriend all came through for me in the second most-difficult time of my life and I'll be forever grateful for them all. 

I got out and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, finally! 

It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I know it'll still be a little difficult financially but I'll be okay. I'll figure it out. 

And I didn't even need to settle for a job I didn't want! 

Thank God. 

I don't know when I'll next write because I'm super busy and I'm getting back into working full time and managing my life around that but I hope I'm as happy and settled whenever I write next as I feel currently, still sitting on this train to Newcastle. 

Love, 

Jessica 

xoxo

I'll Be Home For Christmas

In many ways, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year.

I'm not immune to the magic of Christmas. To the way Princes Street gardens glows with the lights and bustle of the Christmas market that takes over what was once a reasonably large loch every year.
To the excitement of children as they wait for Santa to come. To the stress of hurried shoppers as they try and find the perfect gift for the perfect person.

For some of December, I embrace it.

I love the challenge of finding presents that perfectly relate to whoever I'm buying them for and I love seeing twinkling lights and fir trees everywhere.

But as it gets closer to Christmas Day, I tend to retreat into a little bubble of just me.
I need to be alone and left to my own devices as much as possible.

It wasn't always this way.

Growing up, Christmas was the most magical experience.
Nanny and I would put our Christmas tree up in either the hall or the front room (the front room had an amazing bay window that was the perfect place for our Christmas tree) and we'd spend a couple of hours together decorating it.

I stopped spending Christmas at my mum's, officially, when I was about ten years old.
Before that I'd alternate but, seeing as I'd moved in with nanny the year before, I decided to stay at home for each Christmas after that.

And I loved it.

We'd get up early, later as I got older, and we'd go through to the living room and I'd open my presents from Santa while nanny sat with a cup of tea on the couch. Our dog and later our cat, would often be at her feet.

A few hours later, mum and Jordana would come over with more presents and we'd open them, nanny collecting the wrapping paper to put into a bag as we did so.

After that, we'd have a Christmas dinner of chicken, mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, gravy, vegetables and stuffing.

When Jordana and mum had left, nanny and I would sit in our living room and watch Christmas TV with hot chocolates.

It was perfect.

Low key and quiet and ours.

When she died, my version of Christmas died with her.

That first Christmas, in 2016, I was so wrapped up in my own heartbreak that I don't even remember it.
The only bit I do remember is crying so much.
When asked about that time, my mum told me it was like I was 'in a trance' and I now compare it to the Adam Sandler film Click when he puts himself on autopilot to skip through parts of his life.
I was there but I don't remember it and I wasn't 'me'.

For Christmas 2017, I decided to take some control as there was no way I was letting myself spend another Christmas crying the whole time.
I booked flights to and from Spain and decided to spend it with my auntie.
It was an exciting holiday.
We got into a car crash (apparently, the Spanish aren't the best at driving in fog) and I spend most of my week there dealing with a headache but my auntie tried hard to make it Christmassy and we had a delicious yule log type thing for dessert.

It was less painful but it also just proved that distraction only works for a small amount of time.

In 2018, I was back at my mum's and it was nice.
We baked together, there was family drama and I got home for about eightish.

This Christmas, I feel odd.

I have a boyfriend for the first time ever (wow, I really sound like Bridget Jones right now...) who is away skiing in the French Alps so I can hide my pain from him, which is good.
I have incredible friends, less than last year but they're extremely important.
My relationship with my mother has never been better.
I'm jobless but I have opportunities coming up in the new year which are exciting.

In general, everything has changed and nothing is the same.

Except for my feelings about Christmas.

At a time of year when everyone is heading home for the holidays or going to spend time with family, I miss my home more than ever.

I can't go home. I can't curl up on my couch with nanny, our pets at our feet.

The family I grew up with no longer exists and while our homes are still there, someone else lives in them now, making memories of their own.

I know how depressing that sounds but it's true.

Nothing I've said isn't a fact.

When nanny died, my family died with her.

As much as I love mum and the small family I do have left, nothing will ever be me and nanny and our Christmas traditions.

What I did like this year was making some new ones.

My boyfriend and I made a Christmas dinner which included chicken (from my childhood) and prawn cocktail (something from his as he would be having a fancy dinner in the French Alps for Christmas).
We exchanged presents and had hot chocolate and I was extremely grateful for those memories.
I hope we can do the same next year.

But grief is a funny thing. It creeps up on you, even when you've been expecting it.

This year, I'm taking advantage of my lack of a job and enjoying my time alone.
If I can't be with nanny, I'd rather deal with my grief privately and in my own way.

Of course, I'll head over to mum's on Christmas Day and I'll be back before the Gavin and Stacey Christmas special.

But until then, instead of being wrapped up in family and traditions, I'll be relaxing on my own and acting as if Christmas isn't happening at all.

I know how depressing this sounds but it's just what Christmas has become for me and that's okay.

In a few years, I might have a fiancé or a husband or children to spend it with but for now I'm okay dealing with it in my own way.

Christmas is hard for so many people and this is my way of coping.

I hope anyone else missing a family member this season is okay.

I truly believe that one day, 'I'll be home for Christmas' will truly mean I'm going home and to somewhere I feel safe and happy and loved.

Grief and life changing events take time and I'm still young so I'm okay with waiting a little while.

Who knows where I'll be next year?

Hopefully, somewhere magical and a little less sad.

Jessica

Bad Decisions? That's alright...

Welcome to my silly life...

It's been a minute (okay, several thousand minutes...) since I wrote here. 

So much has happened in the last year that I can barely believe it. 

I have...

- Left the job I loved for a more mature career in the financial sector
- Took a pay cut for that job that I ultimately ended up hating
- Dated a bit of a dick who I ended things with quickly (but not quite quickly enough)
- Started writing three books and I've got ideas for others
- Left the aforementioned job in the financial sector for a job that sounded incredible but actually turned out to be a scam
- Become unemployed because my mental state couldn't quite take standing outside for seven hours in the cold just in case I made a sale... 

So yeah, it's been quite a year! 

In 2018, I was amazing with my money. I budgeted, I saved, I bought a Macbook. 

I was so proud of myself. 

In 2019, the pay cut and the addition of a car into my life meant a lack of money and new worries that I really struggled with. 

In 2020, I'm hoping to get my life back on track but the lack of a job a month and a half before January is worrying me. 

It's not all bad though. 

I have an incredible boyfriend and wonderful friends who are supporting me in any way that they can at the moment. 

If I'm being entirely honest, they're the only reasons I'm getting through this. 

I mean, I say this. 

I have been officially unemployed for two days. 

That's not very long but it's enough to be driving me insane. 

The worst part is that there's so much I'm afraid/embarrassed to talk to my closest friends and family about. 

I'm embarrassed I made a really stupid decision and took a job I would end up having to leave due to how awful it was (seriously, it was advertised as an amazing opportunity to be a sales and events management trainee but it was actually just a trick which ended up being more like unpaid labour... Okay, it was exactly like that. You go into their office for 7:30am, spend the morning practicing your 'pitch' (which was really just a script to entice people to buy into whatever you were selling), leave the office in groups of three for about 11:30am, go to wherever you've been sent (I was sent to the freezing cold main street in Portobello), spend the next six hours there trying to get as many people to talk to you/buy into the thing you've been assigned to sell before heading back for 6:30pm - 7pm for a debrief. 
I didn't make a single sale (only one of our group of three did) and it was then that I realised that you only got paid if you did make a sale...

After I found that out, it was pretty hard to find the willpower to continue.

I had to walk away because I was so close to having a panic attack at the realisation that I'd just given up a job that paid me consistently every month for one that would pay me if I forced people into signing up for a direct debit for a charity I'd never heard of. 

I'd been semi led to believe that there would be some sort of base wage. 

I was wrong. 
So. Wrong. 

The next day, I went in for about an hour and then I said I had a headache and I left. 

I got in my car and started driving towards my mum's but she didn't answer so I headed to one of my best friend's flat. 

I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid. 

That night, my boyfriend came over and he was so good to me (he has continued to be so incredibly kind to me despite how sarcastic he usually is) but it wasn't enough to curb my anxiety and I couldn't face going in the next day so I texted my 'mentor' and said I was ill again. 

On Monday (yesterday), I quit. 

I told him I needed a job that would be guaranteed to pay me every month instead of one where I stood outside in the freezing cold for several hours without any guarantee I would get paid. 

He accepted it but told me he was 'sorry I saw it that way'. 

I didn't know what other way there was to see it. 

Since last Thursday (when I left with a headache...), I have been frantically applying for jobs. 

I have maybe three weeks before I'm going to seriously worry about money so I'm desperately hoping I'll find something soon.

As for why I'm embarrassed? 

I made this decision. I got myself into this mess. 

I can't blame anyone else but myself for this. 

And, if I'm being completely honest, if I let myself think about it for too long, I probably will have a mental breakdown. 

So why am I writing this all down here? 

This blog has always been where I've come to with intense feelings. 

I wrote here when my mum (nanny) died. 

I wrote here when my cat died.

I wrote here when I was happy too. 

One day, hopefully one not too far away from today, I will look back on this experience as a mistake that I overcame. 

I don't want to forget how massively I messed up or how devastated I was at the result of my actions 

You can't ignore the mistakes you made but nobody ever learned from having continued successes. 

This was a horrendously bad decision that I made but it was a failure I am going to learn from and come out on the other side wiser from it. 

I know that. 

Now, the other thing that I'm too scared to talk about with my friends... 

My boyfriend is brilliant. 

He is smart, successful and he is miles ahead of me in the game of life (that saying 'Don't compare your Chapter 3 to someone else's Chapter 13' comes into my head whenever I think this). 
He wants to be with someone who is equally successful and I'm miles away from being that person. 

Now, it's been years since I was that girl who thought she knew what love was and who didn't believe she was good enough for the boy she wasted that 'love' on. 

But my boyfriend is so unbelievably brilliant that I oftentimes find myself wondering why he's still choosing me every day. 

He's there when I'm at my lowest and he comes over to be with me when I'm struggling. 
He makes me laugh and roll my eyes (often in the same sentence...). 
He's not perfect but he makes up for his mistakes without me asking him to and he always comes through for me without thinking I'm crazy. 

I'm not saying I'm not good enough for him because that's not fair on me and all the work I've done in the last couple of years to improve my opinion on myself. 

I'm just worried. I don't think I've ever been this scared of messing something up. 

Anyway... 

That's just my life at the moment. 

Honest, raw and completely a mess. 

But I'll fix it. 

I have to. 

Love, 
Jess
xoxo

Think Of What The World Could Be

Wow. It's been a while... Thank God the only person judging me is me...

Okay. So. I just saw The Greatest Showman and it was just as incredible as everyone said it was.

Hugh Jackman and Michelle Williams stole my heart with their adorable love story but the biggest thing I took from it was that, with a hard work and big dreams, anything is possible. 

I love that message.

For as long as I can remember, Hope has been one of the most important things in my life.
Whenever, I was down, I'd simply remember to hope because there was better in my future than this moment of sadness I was in right then.
Whenever I felt a pang of sadness or loss over losing nanny, my first love would tell me the word 'Temporary'. This one word would make me stop and think for long enough for me to remember to have hope because, no matter what I was feeling then, it was only 'temporary'.
There has only ever been one period of time where I have lost hope entirely but my friends and their neverending support and love got me through that time so I never dwell on it. 

The Greatest Showman reminded me of that feeling of being in love and being desperate to be good enough and to prove yourself. While the part of me that felt she wasn't good enough is wearing away with every new thing I involve myself in and every step I take away from that, I still feel desperate to prove myself and to become something.

By 'something', I simply mean that I want to make a difference.
I want to help people and make as many people happy as possible.
Because we're all going to have down moments and not everyone has someone around all the time to remind them it's temporary.

I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do that yet but I'm working on it!

Every time I meet someone amazing, I'm reminded of how even the smallest things are important.
Even tonight! I was walking home after the cinema and I paused to find The Greatest Showman soundtrack on my phone so that I could put my favourite songs on my current playlist when a woman came over to me.
She asked if I was locked out and I explained that I was finding an album on my phone and that I was fine.
The kind woman then took my hand and expressed that she was worried because it's freezing. I told her I had lost my gloves and that I was fine but she was so lovely.
It made me smile most of the way home simply because of how kind and sweet she was.

A couple of weeks ago, while in Marks and Spencer, I complimented the cashier's ring and she was so grateful and sweet. She showed me her matching bracelets and thanked me for the compliment before telling me 'I'm not used to getting compliments'. 
Something I didn't think twice about made that woman's day. My heart broke slightly when she told me she wasn't used to compliments as it was such a simple one.
It just reminded me how important those tiny things are. 

Anyway... 

I kinda went on a tangent... 

On an Edinburgh note, I am so grateful to be from this beautiful city.
I meet some of the loveliest people here and I will be a little bit heartbroken whenever I do move away. 
I've been taking some photos of places I see daily on my walk to/from work or places I grew up seeing.
Edinburgh's just evolving so much that I feel like I need this photographic evidence. Who knows what these streets will look like when I come back with my family one day. 

I hope it's still as kind and welcoming as it always has been. 
Edinburgh people are amazing.

I also hope I can find some way to help people in this city before I leave to start whatever new adventure takes me away from Edinburgh.

The littlest things mean so much to people. 

I hope this make some semblance of sense.
It's midnight and I'm singing along to 'A Million Dreams' and 'Tightrope' from The Greatest Showman soundtrack...

Love, 
Jess
xoxo

August Again (Fringe Fun)

I feel like I have to write something this month.
So much happens!

Last year, I lost nanny midway through August on the 18th.
One week later, I was beginning to fall in love for the first time.
One year on and I've just moved into my first apartment. 

Big things happen in August.
Including the Fringe - a classic piece of Edinburgh culture. 

The Edinburgh Fringe Festival runs from the beginning until the end of August every year and it's been especially good for its 70th Anniversary. 

The main shows I've seen and loved are below: 

Racing Minds - Aaaand Now For Something Completely Improvised

This show was as brilliant as it was funny and inspired me to book tickets to the actors' individual shows as well (I'll get onto them in a bit). This show invites the audience into Grandpa's house where he struggles to remember some key details about a story he wants to tell his grandchildren aaaand this is where the audience comes in.
Bamberwill (Daniel Nils Roberts) goes out into the audience to collect three vital pieces of information: A character's name, the place it happened and a secret the character has.
The final key part needed is the title which, once again comes from the audience.

The first time I saw it (I saw it twice more on my two days off work) the show was set in Scotland and Penelope (Tom Skelton) had quite the journey whilst looking fabulous as she was, in fact, a style icon. 

The actors' quick-thinking and comedic chemistry leaves you laughing and wishing you could see it again - if only they recorded all of their shows. 

Thankfully, they have a podcast which you can subscribe to: www.racingminds.co.uk/wireless

And a website! http://racingminds.co.uk/

Tom Skelton - Blind Man's Bluff

So funny I've booked myself a ticket to see it on the last day of the fringe! 

This show gives you a 'mad comedy history of blindness' including famous people with visual impairments while the basis of it is set in an optometrist's office.
I was actually pulled up for this one and... Forgot my name briefly.
The actor in me has definitely vanished.
I was so embarrassed! Tom was hilarious while also making you think and I loved how he got audience members involved in the show. My friend loved it too - partially because she enjoyed laughing at me but the joke's on her because I got a round of applause... From an elderly lady sitting behind me (still counts). 

I can't wait to see this show again and what the future holds for Tom.

Daniel Nils Roberts - The Causeway

I liked this more than I expected to as I wasn't quite sure what to make of it when I read the description. Daniel was funny, kept me thinking and I loved the historic elements it had in it as I'm a big History lover. We even had some great audience participation which made it even funnier. 

As the end of the fringe draws nearer, I'm beginning to forget how many shows I've seen but this show, like the other Racing Minds shows I got to see, will definitely stay in my head as one of the best ones.
I only wish I could have seen it more than once.  

Chris Turner - What A Time To Be Alive

Chris ended up being a little bit of a wildcard for me as I didn't know what to expect with this show.
When I saw it, however, I was floored by his level of talent. His improvised rap skills are incredible and I was blown away by the quality of the rap he created using words the audience had written down on pieces of paper we were handed as we walked in. 

I watched his Yorkshire Tea advert a couple of days after I saw the show and I was stunned.
This show is different from Tom's and some of the others Racing Minds are doing as it doesn't involve sketches. What it does involve is amazing stand-up and a rap by one of the best rappers I've ever witnessed (I am not a fan of rap but I could listen to his all day). 

Aaaand now for some shows that had nothing to do with Racing Minds (I know, I can't believe I saw anything else either)...

The Improv Musical

I saw this a couple of days after seeing the Racing Minds show and I wasn't sure if its layout would be similar or not.
In a way, it was as the audience were asked for characters' names and places but this time we had to vote.
The host of the show was incredible. He didn't get to be involved with the show too much but he played the drums a little on his seat thing (cannot remember what he was sitting on but it was rectangular and black).
As for the show itself, the characters chosen by the audience had to follow the plot of whatever we'd chosen and create a musical about it.
The songs were almost as good as Chris' improvised raps and I couldn't stop laughing at Mr Bean. 

I might have to see it next year. 

2 Become 1

I'd heard lots of good things and booked this for a day I knew would be a little difficult for me personally speaking.
After seeing Racing Minds for the last time (I'm still heartbroken), I was even more excited to see this. 

2 Become 1 centres around Jess who's recently had her heart broken by her perfect man (Me in December definitely cannot relate whatsoever...) so her friends decide to take her speed dating.

Oddly enough, this is not a perfect solution but the 90's hits they sing throughout the show and the audience participation when Mandy pulls a man onstage as her date leaves you laughing continuously. 

They got a standing ovation and I hope they come back next year! 

I haven't listed all of the shows I went to this year but these were my favourites.
I didn't meant to do a sort of '5 Best Things To See At The Fringe' thing but it's happened all on its own (Except I listed 6 things instead of 5 - Yup, I can count). 

This August has been pretty great compared to last year's whirlwind of heartbreak and new love. I wonder what next year will bring! Happy Fringing!

Jess

xoxo

Skye's of Blue

Yes, that is a terrible pun.

I went to Skye for three days at the beginning of this week and it was such an incredible trip.
Our tour consisted of about 23 people and our lovely Glaswegian driver Ronnie.
The first day was spent making our way up to the highlands. We had a brief stop in Fort William for some lunch and drove alongside Loch Lomond as we learned about the tragic massacre of the McDonald clan on the mountains of Glen Coe.
My favourite part of the day was our stop at Eilean Donan Castle. Now infamous for its appearance in the film Highlander, it is truly one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. We also met a brilliant guide there who entertained us until we had to head back to the bus.
As everyone on our tour was punctual, Ronnie got us to Skye in record time and my first evening in Broadford was spent making friends with the other girl staying at the B&B we (my colleague Victor and I) were staying at and a lovely girl from Argentina, whose accommodation was a five-minute walk from ours.
At Cafe Sia, I had the greatest pizza of my life. It was cheesy, tomatoey, garlicy, chickeny perfection. I rarely finish all of the food on my plate but I did that night.

The next day meant an early start for a day filled with adventure. From learning about Flora McDonald's tumultuous journey with Bonnie Prince Charlie over to Oban and to safety to a lunch stop in Skye's capital Portree. Whisky tasting was a fun addition to the day but I'm not that into whisky so I mainly enjoyed seeing the faces of other people on our tour... Our day was incredible.
After that, I had dinner with Ronnie (I should probably mention I do work at this company and knew him a few times before our trip) and even tried haggis for the first time! Weirdly enough, it's not as bad as I thought.
After dinner, I started on my scenic walk back to the Riverdale Lodge guesthouse (Best name ever! Mainly because Riverdale also happens to be my new favourite show), said 'hello' to Victor and we made our way over to the small pub across the road.
It was definitely a night I will always remember.

Our last day was bittersweet. I enjoyed our time in Loch Ness and visiting Culloden was eye-opening as I don't think I realised the awful things that happened there until faced with it.
Once again, we made great time on our way back - despite the traffic and slow drivers!
Ronnie was such an incredible tour guide and I'm heartbroken he's leaving us but I'm so excited for where his future journeys will take him.

Can't wait to go back to Skye!

Jessica
xoxo











http://highlandexperience.com/tours/edinburgh/Skye-Tour.htm

Here's To Heartbreak: Moving On

Mental Health Awareness Month seems like the perfect time to get back to regular writing so let's get stuck in. 

One year ago today, Oscar died. He was mine and nanny's cat for three years but he'll remain in my heart forever.
Losing him so suddenly and stroking his head while he passed away hit me hard. I didn't know how I was ever going to manage without him.
The night before he died was spent crying and telling him I loved him.
I actually slept on nanny's bed, the little I did sleep anyway.
She and I talked for hours about loss and death and how to hold on even when you feel like your whole world is crashing down around you. 
Little did I know this conversation would come to haunt me just three months later.

In August, nanny passed away, 
The night before she died was spent with her only this time I didn't get to sleep at the end of her bed.
I told her she could move on, gave her permission to as I knew she would never leave me willingly or if she thought I couldn't cope.
So, I promised her I would.
I would be okay. I would miss her every single moment for the rest of my life but I would love her eternally nonetheless. 

In December, my first love left me.
Heartbreak hit me harder than both of those things combined.
There's a vast difference to being left through death and being left by choice. 
The days and weeks after that were spent crying myself to sleep (when I got any at all), drinking every day (for a week, I didn't enjoy that), looking sad in all the nicest places (Yes, that's a Taylor Swift reference) and wondering how I was going to be able to live through this incredible amount of pain I felt constantly.
In time, I started to be able to breathe again. 
And I am so grateful for that.

I feel like heartbreak forces you to rediscover yourself, maybe even more so than the death of a loved one can.
Everyone's experiences are different but, to me, losing the woman who raised me forced me to become stronger without her while embracing this new partnership I had discovered. When I first dealt with heartbreak, I had to figure out who I was without him - and without nanny.
Heartbreak has forced me to be even stronger than I was before and I am still embracing this brand new version of myself.
It's been horrible, painful, confusing and so incredibly exciting. 

The biggest turning point with heartbreak, however, is when you finally learn the difference between missing him and missing the way you felt with him.
That takes time and I still think of him with kindness in my heart because I'm choosing to remember the man he was with me and not the person he has turned into now.
If I focused on the latter, I'd never move on. 

It's also important to remember that you are not what he says about you or who he decides you are after the breakup.
That took me a long time to realise but his opinion cannot stay the most important in my life and it hasn't.
Heartbreak hit me at a time when I was vulnerable and already felt extremely alone. Losing him then hit me the hardest because I had no safe place to go to and no family (other than close friends) that could comfort me.
But my own opinion has become more and more important in the months since.
He can say what he likes about me but I will never say anything horrible about his character because who he is now isn't important to me.
I can only wish him the best in life.
If he can't do the same for me, that's his choice. 
And if he can't choose to remember how hard I tried to be good enough for him and the most loving parts of our relationship, that's his choice too.

I am no longer the person I was when I was with him and I never will be again but that's not a bad thing. I read that heartbreak changes you dramatically and I didn't quite understand that until it happened.
I am stronger without him than I ever was with him. I have a better and more balanced opinion of myself now and I want so many things I didn't even consider with him. 

I still love a good Taylor Swift song though. 

Depression is a dark word but it shouldn't be.
I've had it on and off since I was 16 and I understand how badly it can affect people but it does so in many different ways - so much so that no two people ever deal with it in entirely the same way. 
My first experience of it was rough. I gained weight, lost interest in everything and basically turned into a recluse.
My most recent experience of it was my first without nanny and without a home to go to and that was completely different.
I now deal with it by working as much as possible and talking it through with my closest friends.
I can't handle it on my own anymore. 

This Mental Health Awareness Month, we need to focus on being kinder to people. Who knows what's happened in their life?
We also need to learn to be more tolerant of those struggling with mental health issues.
It's not funny, it is just as serious (if not more sometimes) and just as debilitating as a physical ailment as well as being just as dangerous.
We need to try and help those in pain and we should never laugh it off or assume they're 'just sad'. 

This post was about the three worst experiences of my life and they all happened within the same year. I am currently typing this wondering how I survived right now. But I won't go into that. 

'13 Reasons Why' tells the story of a girl who killed herself and left 13 reasons as to why she did it.
Not all of them were big things, most of them happened to cause a chain of reactions which broke her down piece by piece until it became too much to bear.
Because of this, I believe it was a great eye opener for people who maybe don't understand mental illness as much and maybe do some of the things she had done to her.
We don't always think and it's not always dangerous but it can be.
Our actions have consequences. 

So, this month and every month, I hope you start to consider your actions a little more and maybe even try to be kind to that one person at school or work or wherever that you see who looks like they may be struggling a little. 

And, if you're struggling personally, please reach out to someone. Help is out there. You may have to go searching but talking to someone helps so much.
As Cinderella says, 'Kindness is free, love is free.'

Jessica

Here's To Heartbreak

If your heart's recently been broken, Valentine's Day can be just another painful reminder but it's not all bad.

Posted on February 14, 2017, at 9:53 a.m.

TV, music videos and film often depict heartbreak as a beautiful woman in beautiful clothes crying her heart out. Of course, I'm generalising and this isn't exactly a rule and there are exceptions... BUT

What they often don't depict is the little changes to your life true heartbreak causes. They don't tell you that you'll order his coffee or buy his favourite soft drink sometimes just to imagine you're tasting it on his lips. They don't tell you you'll hear from many of your friends and family that this gigantic feeling of loss is something you'll get over when it doesn't actually happen very quickly. They don't tell you you're going to notice changes within yourself that don't even relate to him at all. I'm terrified of needles and usually hold onto my best friend's hand for dear life while holding back tears (Oh how I wish I were kidding...) at hospital appointments but, on Friday at my most recent one, I didn't even flinch. I actually looked at it while the blood was being taken and felt nothing.

When you love someone as much as I have loved and continue to love my first love, that kind of pain you feel from losing them doesn't just dissipate.

It's been two months and I've cried over him three times in the last week alone.

But don't take this as a huge banner from me saying 'Love isn't worth it' because I actually believe the exact opposite.

I'm going to quote something I told a friend of mine who said she wanted love to be 'nice and easy'.

'Unfortunately, I can't promise you that love will be easy because it never is. Even when you do meet the person you'll end up marrying, there will probably be days where you'll cry and you'll question if it's worth it or not. Happy Ever After isn't a right, it's a privilege and it takes hard work and dedication from both sides.

What I can promise you is that true love is out there. Regardless of what happens now or where my life ends up, I consider myself so incredibly lucky because I know real love exists. I've experienced it. Being with him felt like being home and I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone else who will make me feel as safe or as happy or as loved but I'm okay with that because at least I've gotten to feel it once in my life.

You see, true love might not always be nice or easy but the pain that will come with loving someone so much is worth so much more than living without that person.

You could ask me fifty years from now if I regret my first love because of how much pain I have been and continue to be in and I would tell you no. I don't regret a single moment with him.

I know you want easy and nice but real love is worth the effort. I promise.'

You see, for every single part of my soul that heartbreak has left in shreds, there is a memory I will always treasure.

I've read a thousand and one quotes on heartbreak on my quest to understand it and help myself through it and what I've learnt is that it's okay to still miss him after two months.

It's okay to break down crying just because you heard a song he once told you reminded him of you. It's okay to order his favourite coffee and quote what he said about milk ruining coffee when the barista asks you if you want milk in it. It's okay not to hate the one person you thought would never hurt you and who ended up breaking you more than anything else ever could.

But, most of all, it's okay to still be crying over him two months on.

Time can and does heal but, when you've been lucky enough to love someone as much as I have, it doesn't just fade away in a week.

I will always love him, whether he returns to me or not, because he taught me to see the beauty in life. He gave me hope and something to live for.

And you know what? That's okay too. Still loving him is okay.

Heartbreak isn't beautiful but learning how to cope with it and treating yourself better despite the pain you're in is.

I truly admire everyone going through this who is strong enough to keep living.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all of the men and women missing someone.

The pain will fade but the memories never will.

Treat yourself with love and care, try new experiences, go to the gym, don't go to the gym... Be the person he or she made you want to be because you deserve to be that for yourself.

Jessica

(Originally posted on Buzzfeed)

Closure

In life, sometimes, you have to bite the metaphorical bullet and do the hard thing. The one you've been putting off for so long that you can no longer remember all of the reasons you didn't do it right away in the first place. 

I put my skeletons in the closet for so long that they ended up leaning against the doors and spilling out - all at once.

I got a message, on Wednesday, from the friend's roommate (the one I almost had a thing with that got back with his ex). He suggested we meet up and talk and we arranged a time for the next day. 

My best friend had told him how I was feeling. 

At the time, I was upset. I was annoyed that she'd told the one person I didn't want to know that I was still hurting. I was frustrated that I was being forced to deal with all of my skeletons in a matter of hours - with no hints that it might even be a possibility.

In hindsight, I know it was the right thing to do. She was looking out for me. Both her and one of my other good friends were. I needed closure and this was the only way I could get it. 

So I freaked out. When I got home from my friend's house on Wednesday, I wrote a list of things to say while on the phone to one of my best friends. Then I had an early night. 

The next day, I woke up unable to speak - perfect day for my laryngitis to get worse! - but I headed to work anyway.

He showed up early and bearing paracetamol - my hero - and we headed to the same place I'd spilled my guts to my friend from school the very day he told me he was getting back with his ex. In my mind, it was perfect symmetry. 

After ordering tea and a smoothie - very sweet - and glossing over small talk, we finally got down to it. He apologised, I said what I needed to say and the defining part of his apology was this: 

'Why didn't you come to me to talk about how you were feeling?'

My answer was pretty simple. I never felt like I could. At first, talking to him hurt too much and then it became the fact that months had gone by and I truly thought I was doing better. Until I knew I was going to have to see him and his girlfriend, I was doing okay. 

But heartbreak is a funny thing. So very unpredictable. It never acts in accordance to what you want it to; it follows its own rules. 

It did help though. The talking. He left every decision up to me and I agreed that I should have come to him a long time ago. My final decision about how to move forward was that we should be friends. What else could I say? 'Na. I'd rather we never talked again. Let's ignore the fact that you're gonna be living with my best friend for the next year and a half'? 

I'm sure that would've went down wonderfully well. 

But it was a good choice, you know? 

It was the best decision. I do like him. Maybe not in the original way anymore but definitely as a potential friend. 

I am not one for staying in contact with exes but he wasn't an ex. And I'm going to see him for the next year anyway. I may as well make the best out of a bad situation. 

It was a good day actually. 

We did idle errand running and then he dropped me off at home. 

After a few hours of failed songwriting, I met one of my favorite friends for dinner. Before I went home and fell asleep before eleven for the second night in a row. 

I may have turned 40 this year instead of 20.

I woke up this morning feeling good.

Not sad or restless or unsettled. 

Just... Numb. 

But in a good way! 

A lot of the time, the word 'numb' is used to describe the feeling of nothingness. Of total and complete emptiness. 

This wasn't like that. 

It was more that I've had these feelings of unease and confusion and upset for so long that I don't know how to be without them yet. 

It's something I would definitely suggest though. 

With friendships, relationships, mutual almosts... 

If you have to continue seeing the person after the initial 'break', talking things through with them is an excellent idea. 

Now I'm not suggesting you do this the day after or anything - that would be insane. 

A few weeks, months afterwards? Yes. Definitely. 

I have been struggling with all these unanswered questions and frustrations for months and I cracked last week. It was horrible. 

And waking up feeling refreshed this morning? It felt pretty good. 

The healing process isn't over but it's moving forward and I am lucky enough to have incredible women - and men! - in my life who make every day of my life a little better. 

You can't count every injustice in your world. 

Instead, you have to live for every blessing - even when it seems impossible and that there aren't any blessings. 

For me, I have amazing friends who love and care about me and who truly want me to be happy. 

That is my happy place. 

Those people are where my heart rests. 

Until next time, 

xoxo 

Jessica 

(Gossip Girl reference because I miss that blessing of a show)