Faithfully

This is a difficult post to start.

Lea Michele recently got two new tattoos.
Now, this isn't exactly 'newsworthy' but her reasons behind them touched my heart.
She posted a photo 19 hours ago of a coffee mug on her right ring finger with a beautiful paragraph underneath (next to if you look at it online) about her grandmother who, sadly, passed away earlier this week.

She shared some sweet anecdotes about how her gran wasn't your 'typical' grandma and 'said something inappropriate to every boyfriend' Lea ever had.

Lea has always talked about her love for her family and I hope she's healing as well as she can be right now.
What a beautiful, sentimental way to pay tribute to her grandmother.
For me, if I got a tattoo to remember my gran, she'd probably roll over in her grave... She is not a fan of tattoos. But I love the coffee cup. It represents a beautiful memory Lea has of her late grandma and it's something she can look at every day and smile in remembrance of the wonderful woman who, clearly, meant so much to her.

What made me tear up though was her second tattoo.

Lea isn't new to getting tattoos - she has many others - but these two were extra personal.
Along with a tattoo for her grandma, she also remembered another important person in her life.

Cory Monteith passed away on July 13th 2013.

His death left millions of fans, his family, friends and fellow celebrities heartbroken.

Of course, the media jumped on Lea who was his girlfriend of two years at the time.
The love they had for each other was evident from the beginning and it never faded. Cory had even publicly admitted they were a couple on The Ellen Show in December 2012, the year before he died.
Throughout their short time together, Lea and Cory flirted on Twitter and shared snippets of their enviable life together in coy Tweets and Instagram photos as well as beaming whenever asked about the other in interviews.
The love they felt for each other is that kind of soulmate love that you experience once in your life if you're lucky and I remember looking at them and knowing that I would get to see them get married, have kids...
They were soulmates. They loved each other so much and it couldn't have been more evident if you'd painted signs on their heads saying they were together.
When he died, Lea was the main person on so many fans' minds.
How do you cope when the person you've planned forever with is so cruelly and unjustly taken from you?

Lea was seen flying to Vancouver (where Cory passed away) shortly after July 13th and she later revealed Kate Hudson had let her stay at her house while she tried to cope with the loss of her 'fallen hero'.
She posted a beautiful Tweet on the 29th July 2013, sixteen days after he'd left us, thanking everyone for helping her through this time and saying that Cory would 'forever be in her heart'.

I remember talking to friends at that time and we just cried our eyes out over that Tweet.
Lea was brave in the worst possible time. She dealt with losing her boyfriend publicly and under a spotlight and she handled it with such grace and dignity.

Her first public appearance after his death was at the Teen Choice Awards in August of that year and she said the most beautiful thing to her fans after their show Glee's win:

“I wanted to dedicate this award to Cory,” she said while fighting back tears. “For all of you out there who loved and admired Cory as much as I did, I promise that, with your love, we’re going to get through this together.

He was very special to me, and also to the world, and we were very lucky to witness his incredible talent, his handsome smile, and his beautiful, beautiful heart,” she continued. “So whether you knew him personally or just as Finn Hudson, Cory reached out and he became a part of all of our hearts – and that’s where he’ll stay forever, so thank you guys so much.”

Even reading that now tears me up.
Lea is such a strong person and, even though I don't love all of her work and I haven't been a consistent fan since the beginning, she will always hold a place in my heart.

When Glee resumed, after Season 5 filming was postponed to let the show's writers figure out how best to move forward, Lea was included in the writing of the fifth episode of that season 'The Quarterback'. That episode saw the characters saying 'Goodbye' to Finn Hudson, Cory's character on the show, and it was one of the most beautifully written episodes of any television show I've ever seen. Instead of talking about how Finn died, they focused on coming together and showing the characters grieving and remembering him before leaving you with an important life lesson about death; don't remember people for how they died, remember them for how they lived.
Rachel's heartbreaking performance of 'Make You Feel My Love' by Adele was chosen by Lea and was said to be personal to her and Cory. For Rachel, it was the first song they sang in the car together.

"Before Finn, I used to sing alone..."

The entire episode was beautifully done, despite many scenes having to be filmed in one take many times due to the actors' breaking down so much.
I remember, the night after I watched that episode, I curled up in a red T-Shirt, jeans and converse (the official 'Don't Stop Believing' outfit) and cried uncontrollably.

The thing is, I've never lost anyone that close to me (thankfully) and celebrities get into people's minds, they become part of our weekly routine as we watch their shows.
Finn was my first teenage TV crush and Cory was such an incredible guy. You wanted to get to know him because he had such a beautiful heart within him. Yes, he struggled but who doesn't have demons? I don't know if I'd react the same way now, three years on, as I did back then but his death will always be a significant moment in my life. It will always be my first experience with grief and I'll never fully understand why.
Even as I researched to make sure what I was remembering was right for some of these facts, I teared up.
People get the same way about Elvis and Diana even now.
But the dead are never forgotten. Especially not celebrities. I mean, there are videos of Elvis and Diana on YouTube and Cory is immortalised on film and on Glee. His talent lives on. It's just that he's not physically here anymore and that is really fricking sad.

Lea went on to write 'If You Say So' which is a song on her first album written about the immediate days in her world after Cory died. It's heartbreaking and I definitely cried like a baby listening to it for the first time. I still do. It showed loss in such a raw way and it was named after the last words he ever said to her.
She talked about how she'd gotten a special tattoo for Cory a few months after his death but she got a new one earlier today that represents the character he played on Glee.
On the show, Rachel got the name 'Finn' tattooed on her body after Finn died but Lea's salute to Finn Hudson was more subtle.
She got a tattoo of the number on Finn's football jersey, which has extra meaning as she posted a photo of her carrying out Finn's football memorial on her last day on set.

I don't really have anything left to say.
I'm sending Lea love and positive thoughts as she enjoys her spa day.
What a beautiful thing from a beautiful person.
Cory will never be forgotten, least of all by Lea, and I'm so glad she's keeping his memory alive in her own, loving way.

Jessica
xoxo

P.S. To donate to the Saint James Music Academy in Cory's name for what would have been his 34th Birthday on May 11th, please click on this link.

https://www.canadahelps.org/en/pages/cory-monteiths-birthday-celebration-fundraiser-for/

The Hardest Word

No, I'm not talking about 'sorry'; I'm talking about 'goodbye'.
It's such a final word, you know?
It's an ending, a word that doesn't offer an opening. It's closing a door that will never be opened again.
At least, it is for me.

I'm an endless trier though. Giving up on friendships, especially, isn't something I take lightly.
Unfortunately, it can't be prevented if the other person in the friendship stops trying.

For any relationship to work, it takes both people to be active participants. Both of you talk, text, tweet, share stories, meet up, etcetera. Even if it's just a few times a month.
I, for example, have two friends who live abroad and we Skype every few weeks and talk on Facebook a few times a month. Sometimes, it isn't more than once in a month because it depends on our schedules but they're still two of my closest friends.
I have another friend who lives in Edinburgh, like me (obviously), and we barely see each other but we both have Snapchat and talk every once in a while. When we see each other though, it's like no time has passed and she's like a sister to me (singing, dancing, acting and CHICKEN forever! (Private joke ;)).
But there goes my point - you can't have a friendship when you don't talk to someone.

One of my best friends and I are going through this right now.
I don't know how it started but our relationship has phased out gradually.
I know it happens but I never expected it to happen to us, you know?
Maybe it was naive of me but I always expected her to be there. We were going to dance at each other's weddings and tell embarrassing stories about each other to our spouses and children.

So I'm left with a burning question: Where did we go wrong?
As I said before, relationships take commitment. You both have to make an effort for it to work and, if you're not talking to each other at all, it's not going to last.
We, gradually, stopped talking to each other late last year and it's just never been the same. We did talk. In November. We had a good conversation on Facebook and we even had a night out together when our mutual friend couldn't make it at the last minute.
It was good to spend time with her. I was particularly fragile after having a hard month due to something I wrote about previously so I enjoyed the chance to let my hair down (metaphorically. It's always down) and have fun. I even met a guy who knew people I went to school with who was really interesting on my way home. It was a good night.
Afterwards though...
I don't know. We went weeks without talking until we exchanged messages over Christmas. She apologised for not talking to me more and I was just thrilled to hear from her. I mentioned seeing her at my birthday but she never replied.
Then we saw each other at New Year. I had no idea we would be getting together but our friend suggested we all went out so we did.
I didn't talk to her until that night and, while we were out, it was like nothing had changed.
But I felt a shift.
My birthday was mentioned and she had no idea anything was happening, despite it being on Facebook and me mentioning it previously.
I mean, my friend who lives in Edinburgh and who I barely talk to but love unconditionally kept my birthday free in case I was doing something - despite nothing being planned at first.
(She ended up taking me out for a delicious dinner on my birthday and it was perfect and sweet and I had a great day)
Maybe it was accidental but I didn't keep my hopes up for seeing her.
On my birthday, my friend and I both got the same message. She'd been asked to work later than originally planned and wouldn't be able to make it.
I'll admit that I felt cheated. I used to visit her all the time when she first moved and we've grown up together. 17 years and now we never talk... It doesn't seem fair and I didn't understand why she couldn't have told her boss she couldn't work later because it was her friends' birthday. The screenshot of her phone showed she was asked - it wasn't a demand.
I'm not saying everyone can get out of shifts but not trying at all made me feel like I didn't mean anything to her.
I let it go and enjoyed my time with the friends who could make it but it felt like an extra step in the path towards the end of our friendship.
I never replied to her Facebook messages after that and she never made any efforts to talk to me so I let it go.
Until my best friend told me she hadn't shown up to said best friend's birthday a few days earlier because she 'hadn't talked to me in a while, didn't know anyone going and didn't want it to be awkward'.
I have several issues with this:

1. It wasn't about her, it was for our best friend and you go regardless
2. She knows me better than to think I would be anything but kind and friendly to her
3. She told our friend she would be there an hour before the party so deciding not to come in the end without telling her wasn't very nice

I don't know if it sounds petty but it felt like a pretty lame excuse. If you can't come, don't come but don't blame someone else for something when you know they're not like you're insinuating.

Anyway, it made me miss her. So I called her at 1AM after seeing Jedward (they were awesome) at midnight on Wednesday/Thursday. She didn't answer but I wasn't surprised because most people are sleeping at that time of the morning on a weeknight but I called her the next day and there was nothing either. I decided to send her a message asking her to call me when she could. I even added a happy emoji to show her it wasn't anything bad.
So I waited a day and there was no response - despite Messenger saying she'd been online a lot.
After waiting a day, I sent her a follow-up message: 

"Okay... Well, it keeps saying you're active but you never reply so here goes. I've known you all my life. Literally. 17 years is more than three quarters of it. I love you. I miss you. And I hate that we don't talk anymore. I don't know how or why it happened but it's been less and less and I hate it. You're family and I love you so much. I'm sorry I didn't reply after my birthday. I was upset you didn't come and I missed you and then it was days that I hadn't replied and... It spiraled. I miss the fact you're so incredibly Scottish and proud and how you have a different opinion to me on most things. I miss hearing about what you're up to and I hate the fact that I couldn't tell you anything you've been up to in these last few months and you couldn't tell me the same about me. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy and living your best life. This is the hard part though because we have two choices. We can either fix our communication problems and be friends or we can keep not-talking and move on from this friendship.I'm not saying that like I want us to never speak again but it's the unfortunate reality. Just know that you're always going to mean something to me and I love you no matter what happens. But you can't be friends with someone you don't talk to. All my love and good wishes, Jess xoxo"

That's it. That's the full message.
I'm writing this post at 10PM on Friday night. If she hasn't responded by this time tomorrow, I'm going to post it with the ending to that story.

I hope she does and that we can work through our issues but, if she doesn't, I'm glad I can say that I did everything I possibly could to try and mend our broken friendship.

Jessica
xoxo

Saturday, 11:19pm

Well, it's been 25 hours and she hasn't read the message.
A year ago, I probably would have suggested she hadn't seen it or had been busy or something but... Messenger tells me she was active four hours ago.
Three days, two phone calls, one important message.

The hardest part of all of this is knowing that I couldn't save us. She ruined this. I tried and never gave up but I, obviously, don't mean as much to her as she once meant to me.

I'm not trying to play the Blame Game here.
I'm not angry at her.
It's just upsetting.

I think I've said before that friendships ending can often be like relationships ending. You spend time with this person, growing together, learning each other and making memories. All for it to be over so quickly that you need a minute to process what's happened.

So it comes back to that word.

This is all I have to say to her now:

Goodbye. Thank you for 17 years of friendship. I'm sorry I couldn't save us but I hope you find happiness with whatever you do in life.
But I'm done. I can't keep playing this game with you where I pretend we're fine and you haven't hurt me and you refuse to tell me why you decided I wasn't someone you wanted in your life after almost 20 years.
I once told you that the only reason I would give up on a person completely were if we didn't love each other anymore.
You don't ignore people you love.
I've made mistakes in friendships. I've hurt people and I'm not trying to say I'm perfect with this post.
One thing I will say about those times though is that I was younger and foolish. I learnt from my mistakes and I tried really hard not to give up on you.
What I didn't realise though, is that you'd already given up on me.
So have a great life. I truly mean that.
Goodbye, for the last time.
Jessica.

Now Life Has Killed The Dream I Dreamed

Yes, I quoted the 'Les Miserables' song in my title. It was the only way I could sum up my feelings right now.
As you might be able to tell (Or remember as I'm the only one who will read this. Probably), I'm a little depressed right now. This is over-dramatic  I know but today pretty much confirmed that I won't be able to go to MGA Academy for the Performing Arts. At least not this year anyway. I went to the bank today but, apparently, they don't do any student loans. I have never net nicer, more friendly and talented people in my entire life and, I know it sounds silly to say but, I really felt like my life would change for good (Yes, now I've quoted 'Wicked' too) if I did this course. Singing is something I have always wanted to do and I would have loved to learn how to do it properly and act and dance as well. For the first time in my life, I was willing to work really hard for what I wanted. I've tried being optimistic and I'm still hopeful that a miracle will happen and I will find a way to make sure I am able to go this year. If I can't find a way somehow, I might just try and work really hard for the next year. Go to some dance classes, try and appear in a few shows. Technically, I'm starting this a bit late but it is something that I really want and I can't give up on it. I just really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm all alone with this. I have to do it completely on my own and I thought it would be okay but, apparently, I need people more than I thought.
Oh well... This sucks.

South Africa: Wednesday

Today, we visited Charles Memorial Primary School. I wish I was eloquent enough to describe my feelings today but I'm not so I'll just have to try. Walking into the school, we were greeted by the students and teachers of the school. They sang and were incredibly welcoming to us. It was wonderful (a teacher thought we were from America and mentioned how great it was that us Americans were doing so much to help them but it was funny. I also love America so I didn't mind). Afterwards, I went into a couple of classes and, eventually stumbled into one with 6-7 year olds. I think it was Grade 2. I met a six year old called Asanda and she stayed with me for the rest of the day. She was very quiet but stuck to me like glue and was quite possessive of me in an adorable way. I spent the whole day with her; carrying her around, holding her hand, dancing with her. She was amazing! I even bought her an ice-cream (which she was very grateful for). I also spent time with other students. Leaving them has to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Asanda tried to take me away to stop me from leaving and I was trying so hard not to cry and show her how upset I was. Many of the children there are orphans and they're all struggling in some way. It broke my heart. I just wanted to adopt her. I think it's one of those things that you will never truly understand until you experience it for yourself and can't explain it if you have. There were so many emotions; I was thrilled to meet the children and to get to spend time with them but leaving was heartbreaking. So many of us were crying. It was horrible! I just have to think of it as we made these children so happy for a few hours and that is amazing.
Afterwards, we went to a stadium but me and a few others just had lunch. Some of the guys went and looked around but I don't think many people were up for much after what we had just experienced.
I don't really remember dinner (Finishing writing this on Tuesday 19th February, the day after I got home) but I do remember not eating very much and just wishing I could go back to the hotel the whole time. It was a very difficult day but I'm still glad I experienced it. It was unforgettable.
I've attached two photos to this post. I'm with Asanda in both. I love her so much and I wish I could have adopted her.