Tonight, I did something I swore I'd never do; I cried over the last - and only - boy to ever break my heart.
The reasons I promised myself I wouldn't cry over him were simple:
- I always knew he was still in love with his ex and the probability of us ever actually becoming anything were slim
- Crying over a boy is not something confident, self-sufficient, strong women do (Yeah, that's utter bullshit)
- We never actually dated
The first one is number one on the list because it was the thing all my friends pointed out to me when I was gushing over his adorable texts that would make me grin from ear to ear whenever I got one. I knew this but some things are easy to look past when you're hopeful and it's the first guy to make your heart flutter.
Number two on my list of reasons has more to do with my feelings about myself and the standards I set. I've been through a lot in my short-ish life. It's enough to know that crying over a guy I'd only properly known for a couple of months is low on the scale of 'Bad Things That Have Happened To Me'. The way I look back on all these bad moments now is that, while I'm not glad they happened, I'm grateful for the fact that they made me stronger. I am extremely strong minded and I rarely break when things get tough - it takes a lot. So this wasn't really an assumption or pressure on women as a whole - it was about me.
My last reason is the one that stands out for me. How can someone you never dated break your heart?
Now, here's where it gets complicated.
We met and flirted and I knew about his ex. After a few weeks, we kissed and we talked everything through the next night. We agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship.
That's something I'm proud of by the way. Talking it through was mature and, regardless of the outcome, communication is always key.
My friends told me not to trust this and to be careful and I... I heard them but I didn't really listen. I trusted my heart. He was the first man who'd ever made me feel special and wanted and like I was worth more than my own opinion of me. And that? That is everything to a girl who's never had that before.
I let him into my heart and he made me laugh and smile and we connected.
And still, we communicated about where this was/wasn't going.
But him being in love with his ex gets complicated when he's flirting with you and telling you everything you want to hear. That's where I got lost.
And so I began to fall for something that could happen. We had potential. Like-minded people with different interests but common ones too. He gave me hope for something that never happened.
But then the ball dropped. The chandelier fell right on top of me. The balloon popped. The glass smashed. Whatever you want to call it, it happened.
We'd been flirting semi-consistently every week for about two months. In three days, I went from 'hopeful and happy' to 'confused and crushed'. I had no idea they'd still been talking all this time and then he said he wanted to get back together with her and... Yeah.
Number two on my list of reasons has more to do with my feelings about myself and the standards I set. I've been through a lot in my short-ish life. It's enough to know that crying over a guy I'd only properly known for a couple of months is low on the scale of 'Bad Things That Have Happened To Me'. The way I look back on all these bad moments now is that, while I'm not glad they happened, I'm grateful for the fact that they made me stronger. I am extremely strong minded and I rarely break when things get tough - it takes a lot. So this wasn't really an assumption or pressure on women as a whole - it was about me.
My last reason is the one that stands out for me. How can someone you never dated break your heart?
Now, here's where it gets complicated.
We met and flirted and I knew about his ex. After a few weeks, we kissed and we talked everything through the next night. We agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship.
That's something I'm proud of by the way. Talking it through was mature and, regardless of the outcome, communication is always key.
My friends told me not to trust this and to be careful and I... I heard them but I didn't really listen. I trusted my heart. He was the first man who'd ever made me feel special and wanted and like I was worth more than my own opinion of me. And that? That is everything to a girl who's never had that before.
I let him into my heart and he made me laugh and smile and we connected.
And still, we communicated about where this was/wasn't going.
But him being in love with his ex gets complicated when he's flirting with you and telling you everything you want to hear. That's where I got lost.
And so I began to fall for something that could happen. We had potential. Like-minded people with different interests but common ones too. He gave me hope for something that never happened.
But then the ball dropped. The chandelier fell right on top of me. The balloon popped. The glass smashed. Whatever you want to call it, it happened.
We'd been flirting semi-consistently every week for about two months. In three days, I went from 'hopeful and happy' to 'confused and crushed'. I had no idea they'd still been talking all this time and then he said he wanted to get back together with her and... Yeah.
I wrote a good song though.
"Better (Original Song) via Smule
At the end of the day, I was left broken and hurt by this.And I was angry. So angry. At myself for trusting him when all of my friends told me to be careful, at him for flirting with me and making me feel like he wanted me when I don't even know if I believe he ever did.
He doesn't understand either. I still have to see him and, tomorrow, I have to see her too - the ex/current girlfriend. Tomorrow and at my best friend's birthday in two weeks time.
I don't hold any hard feelings towards her. I just pray she feels the same about me...
Otherwise, these next few weeks are going to be even more painful.
The main issue here is that, from his point of view, he never led me on and I never thought anything was going to happen because he always made it clear that he was still in love with her.
He doesn't understand that bringing her to these things and flaunting their perfect relationship in front of me is going to kill me.
So, tonight, when I found out she was coming to my best friend's birthday I cried.
For about fifteen minutes. It just doesn't seem fair though. That I'm the one crying because I take time to mourn things that could've been when he's perfectly happy and blissfully unaware of my pain.
Then again, what in life is fair?
I know I'll look back on this one day and be so grateful nothing ever went further.
I was on the phone to my friend earlier and she said something I'm going to remember for a long time:
'One day, you'll be glad your first heartbreak was a guy you never dated because you can learn from it and know how to cope next time instead of getting in too deep and getting your heart broken by someone you thought loved you'She has a point. While I thought the attraction was mutual and that he actually cared about me, it's better getting your heart broken by a guy you never fell in love with and who you never got to make lots of memories with. I have memories of him and they're mostly fond.
What he'll never understand though is that I don't let guys in. I've been let down by men since I was born and I don't trust men easily. I have two incredible male friends who are brilliant and I adore them. They're fine. But romantically? Nope. It's not something I can do easily.
He was the first man I ever felt like 'This could really go somewhere' and he's going to be the last until I meet someone worthy enough of my trust again.
Unfortunately, this story is continuous. I'll be seeing him and his loved-up girlfriend acting like nothing ever happened in 21 hours.
You can't always run away from your ghosts but, when you're forced to face them, you can always depend on your girlfriends to help. I have several going to my best friend's party and she's going to try and tell him to be a little more sensitive considering how hurt I still am. At least, I'll have backup for that. Tomorrow? I'm not proud of this but I'm planning on looking fabulous and drinking wine to get reasonably drunk. Then I'm going to dance with my best friend and celebrate my other friend.
Life is always going to throw you curve balls. How you react and grow from them is all down to you. You just have to try and make the best choices you can.
Jessica
xoxo
P.S. My current choice is to drink a large cup of Twinings English Breakfast Tea while eating peanuts and watching the latest episode of 'Modern Family'
No comments:
Post a Comment