Why Meeting Up With Old Friends Is Important

It's common knowledge that, as we grow older and move on to different careers or cities, we lose track of people we knew when we were younger.
It's neither a good or a bad thing; it's just something that happens as our opinions and personalities develop.

I met up with a person I wasn't that close with in either Primary or High School but someone who has been there for a lot of my key moments in life and who I share experiences with (same class in Primary School, same circle of friends in Primary/High School).
Since we graduated, our lives have zig-zagged in and out of each others and we meet up from time to time - something we didn't even do much in High School.

One of the biggest things I've noticed since then is that we've both matured an awful lot.
From our fashion to our goals and everything in between. there's not much that hasn't changed or developed in the three years since graduation.
One of my favourite things that's improved is how evenly we can carry a conversation.

I have always struggled with the massive insecurity that I'm not smart.
My best friend got a flush of A's in High School and she's at one of the best universities in the United Kingdom. While she's never judged me for not getting good grades in school or getting into a top university, I have always felt inadequate and like I need to compensate for something in our relationship.

Since high school, my confidence has grown in a lot of ways but not in terms of my intelligence insecurities.
Which is annoying as Hell.

The friend I met with the other day has always been one of those incredibly smart people.
Like my best friend, she got great grades and she has a lot of strong beliefs she stands by which, despite not agreeing with all of them, I really admire.
Our conversations were actually extremely well-balanced.
There were a few topics we brushed over that we knew the other didn't agree with but, instead of getting into a childish squabble, we glossed over it with ease and respected each other's opinions.
She's grown into such an interesting young woman but, if you told me ten years ago that she'd be one of the people I'd still thoroughly enjoy meeting up with after school had finished, I probably would've rolled my eyes and gave you a sarcastic comment.
I'm glad that she surprised me.
She's different to me in so many ways but it helps me grow as a person as I learn to accept her opinions and actually listen.
Instead of High School me who decided everything she believed was right and didn't want to listen to another view if it contradicted her own.

She's going back to university later this year and I can't wait to visit her.
She even gave me advice on my own life and how I could get back into school and studying.
She's a fascinating person who has turned into this brave, wonderful feminist.
Our conversations were fluent and easygoing and we talked about everything.
It was a really fun few hours and I'm looking forward to getting to do it again soon.

I don't know if we'll stay friends or, if like my friend from nursery, we'll grow apart in years to come but I have faith in this friendship.
Taylor Swift says she likes to surround herself with independent women who inspire her to be better (I'm paraphrasing but she said something similar) and I agree.
If you stick with friends who never change and don't help you progress in life, you end up stuck.
I'm glad I'm not the same person I was ten years ago because I could have missed out on a really great person.

So, for however long we end up being friends, I'm incredibly grateful for her different opinions and 'strong feminist' attitude.
The people you knew when you were younger are so significant in our lives and I feel like we lose track of that sometimes because life gets in the way and you forget.

Whatever happens I hope we never forget the person we once were.
They might have been gone for a long time but the people you knew growing up and the person you used to be shaped you into who you are today.

Jessica
xoxo

When Heartless People Have A Voice

Today, I was scrolling along Facebook when a post from one of my family members caught my eye.
She was ranting about refugees and, after reading it and the comments, I felt like I wanted to be sick.
How can people be so cruel?

"Amazing how it's right for the council to bring in 16 refugees family give them new houses plus cars and £64 a day and people in dundee living on poverty is thus a piss take or what I work my Fecking arse off can hardly afford my Fecking bus fare to work seek of this"

Everywhere in the world. people are struggling.
Many refugees are left with no choice but to leave their countries without any personal longings - risking death on the way to whatever country they can get to because their home is more dangerous than anything we can hit them with.


I'm sure we've all seen the images.
Children covered in dirt and adults so gaunt you can almost see through them.
And that's just images.
What about the videos, the films of children getting gassed or the bodies laying on dirt...

How could people be so heartless?

I'm aware that a great deal of my family in Dundee don't like people like me. Or maybe it's just me. I can feel it every time I see them. The kids are fine and I adore my younger cousin who I meet up with regularly. But the adults? I would never wish them any harm and I don't want to bad-mouth them but I've never been good with understanding how any one person could have no empathy whatsoever.
That post broke my heart along with erasing any respect I had for her.
She's a mother yet she shows no empathy or emotion but anger towards parents who are trying to do the same thing? Sure, there are people living in poverty in Dundee but their lives aren't nearly as threatened as those who risk death themselves to save their children from a painful death in their home countries.

This was my response to her vile status and the disgusting comments of agreement:

"These refugees are in desperate need of help. Their countries are not safe and they need to move to the UK and other places. 

According to ISIS, Syrian Muslim refugees (as an example) are traitors to the radical Islamic cause. “It is correct for Muslims to leave the lands of the infidel for the lands of Islam, but not vice versa,” one ISIS video said in September. Here are several other examples of similar condemnation from this year. Nearly 90 percent of displaced Syrians in Turkey have no sympathy for ISIS at all, even though ISIS is fighting the person, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad, who most refugees see as their main enemy. Kurdish and Christian refugees see ISIS as their main foe. Turning away Syrian refugees plays into ISIS’s hands. 

I am 100% sure you will think me young and foolish and naive but we need to be kind and as welcoming as possible to refugees. The fault of one is not the fault of the many and it's heartbreaking to see so much hatred on this post when they are seeking help in the worst of times. 

If you were a refugee, would you not want help and support?"

And, because I know exactly what the majority of my family think of me, I did my research beforehand to get that statement in the middle.

I don't think I will ever understand why or how any person could wish hatred and cruelty on another and I know it has put a black mark on her name for me from now on because I cannot respect or condone any aggressively nasty person.
I would usually finish a post like this wishing that she will find the goodness in her heart to understand where I'm coming from but I don't think that'll happen. I doubt she'll even read my comment to be completely honest.
What I will say is that it is not naive to be kind and hopeful that others will share your compassion.
I'm going to leave this post with a link to how us Brits can help refugees.
And my prayers are with all those in Brussels who have been affected by this senseless tragedy.

Jessica
xoxo

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/5-practical-ways-you-can-help-refugees-trying-to-find-safety-in-europe-10482902.html

The Hardest Word

No, I'm not talking about 'sorry'; I'm talking about 'goodbye'.
It's such a final word, you know?
It's an ending, a word that doesn't offer an opening. It's closing a door that will never be opened again.
At least, it is for me.

I'm an endless trier though. Giving up on friendships, especially, isn't something I take lightly.
Unfortunately, it can't be prevented if the other person in the friendship stops trying.

For any relationship to work, it takes both people to be active participants. Both of you talk, text, tweet, share stories, meet up, etcetera. Even if it's just a few times a month.
I, for example, have two friends who live abroad and we Skype every few weeks and talk on Facebook a few times a month. Sometimes, it isn't more than once in a month because it depends on our schedules but they're still two of my closest friends.
I have another friend who lives in Edinburgh, like me (obviously), and we barely see each other but we both have Snapchat and talk every once in a while. When we see each other though, it's like no time has passed and she's like a sister to me (singing, dancing, acting and CHICKEN forever! (Private joke ;)).
But there goes my point - you can't have a friendship when you don't talk to someone.

One of my best friends and I are going through this right now.
I don't know how it started but our relationship has phased out gradually.
I know it happens but I never expected it to happen to us, you know?
Maybe it was naive of me but I always expected her to be there. We were going to dance at each other's weddings and tell embarrassing stories about each other to our spouses and children.

So I'm left with a burning question: Where did we go wrong?
As I said before, relationships take commitment. You both have to make an effort for it to work and, if you're not talking to each other at all, it's not going to last.
We, gradually, stopped talking to each other late last year and it's just never been the same. We did talk. In November. We had a good conversation on Facebook and we even had a night out together when our mutual friend couldn't make it at the last minute.
It was good to spend time with her. I was particularly fragile after having a hard month due to something I wrote about previously so I enjoyed the chance to let my hair down (metaphorically. It's always down) and have fun. I even met a guy who knew people I went to school with who was really interesting on my way home. It was a good night.
Afterwards though...
I don't know. We went weeks without talking until we exchanged messages over Christmas. She apologised for not talking to me more and I was just thrilled to hear from her. I mentioned seeing her at my birthday but she never replied.
Then we saw each other at New Year. I had no idea we would be getting together but our friend suggested we all went out so we did.
I didn't talk to her until that night and, while we were out, it was like nothing had changed.
But I felt a shift.
My birthday was mentioned and she had no idea anything was happening, despite it being on Facebook and me mentioning it previously.
I mean, my friend who lives in Edinburgh and who I barely talk to but love unconditionally kept my birthday free in case I was doing something - despite nothing being planned at first.
(She ended up taking me out for a delicious dinner on my birthday and it was perfect and sweet and I had a great day)
Maybe it was accidental but I didn't keep my hopes up for seeing her.
On my birthday, my friend and I both got the same message. She'd been asked to work later than originally planned and wouldn't be able to make it.
I'll admit that I felt cheated. I used to visit her all the time when she first moved and we've grown up together. 17 years and now we never talk... It doesn't seem fair and I didn't understand why she couldn't have told her boss she couldn't work later because it was her friends' birthday. The screenshot of her phone showed she was asked - it wasn't a demand.
I'm not saying everyone can get out of shifts but not trying at all made me feel like I didn't mean anything to her.
I let it go and enjoyed my time with the friends who could make it but it felt like an extra step in the path towards the end of our friendship.
I never replied to her Facebook messages after that and she never made any efforts to talk to me so I let it go.
Until my best friend told me she hadn't shown up to said best friend's birthday a few days earlier because she 'hadn't talked to me in a while, didn't know anyone going and didn't want it to be awkward'.
I have several issues with this:

1. It wasn't about her, it was for our best friend and you go regardless
2. She knows me better than to think I would be anything but kind and friendly to her
3. She told our friend she would be there an hour before the party so deciding not to come in the end without telling her wasn't very nice

I don't know if it sounds petty but it felt like a pretty lame excuse. If you can't come, don't come but don't blame someone else for something when you know they're not like you're insinuating.

Anyway, it made me miss her. So I called her at 1AM after seeing Jedward (they were awesome) at midnight on Wednesday/Thursday. She didn't answer but I wasn't surprised because most people are sleeping at that time of the morning on a weeknight but I called her the next day and there was nothing either. I decided to send her a message asking her to call me when she could. I even added a happy emoji to show her it wasn't anything bad.
So I waited a day and there was no response - despite Messenger saying she'd been online a lot.
After waiting a day, I sent her a follow-up message: 

"Okay... Well, it keeps saying you're active but you never reply so here goes. I've known you all my life. Literally. 17 years is more than three quarters of it. I love you. I miss you. And I hate that we don't talk anymore. I don't know how or why it happened but it's been less and less and I hate it. You're family and I love you so much. I'm sorry I didn't reply after my birthday. I was upset you didn't come and I missed you and then it was days that I hadn't replied and... It spiraled. I miss the fact you're so incredibly Scottish and proud and how you have a different opinion to me on most things. I miss hearing about what you're up to and I hate the fact that I couldn't tell you anything you've been up to in these last few months and you couldn't tell me the same about me. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy and living your best life. This is the hard part though because we have two choices. We can either fix our communication problems and be friends or we can keep not-talking and move on from this friendship.I'm not saying that like I want us to never speak again but it's the unfortunate reality. Just know that you're always going to mean something to me and I love you no matter what happens. But you can't be friends with someone you don't talk to. All my love and good wishes, Jess xoxo"

That's it. That's the full message.
I'm writing this post at 10PM on Friday night. If she hasn't responded by this time tomorrow, I'm going to post it with the ending to that story.

I hope she does and that we can work through our issues but, if she doesn't, I'm glad I can say that I did everything I possibly could to try and mend our broken friendship.

Jessica
xoxo

Saturday, 11:19pm

Well, it's been 25 hours and she hasn't read the message.
A year ago, I probably would have suggested she hadn't seen it or had been busy or something but... Messenger tells me she was active four hours ago.
Three days, two phone calls, one important message.

The hardest part of all of this is knowing that I couldn't save us. She ruined this. I tried and never gave up but I, obviously, don't mean as much to her as she once meant to me.

I'm not trying to play the Blame Game here.
I'm not angry at her.
It's just upsetting.

I think I've said before that friendships ending can often be like relationships ending. You spend time with this person, growing together, learning each other and making memories. All for it to be over so quickly that you need a minute to process what's happened.

So it comes back to that word.

This is all I have to say to her now:

Goodbye. Thank you for 17 years of friendship. I'm sorry I couldn't save us but I hope you find happiness with whatever you do in life.
But I'm done. I can't keep playing this game with you where I pretend we're fine and you haven't hurt me and you refuse to tell me why you decided I wasn't someone you wanted in your life after almost 20 years.
I once told you that the only reason I would give up on a person completely were if we didn't love each other anymore.
You don't ignore people you love.
I've made mistakes in friendships. I've hurt people and I'm not trying to say I'm perfect with this post.
One thing I will say about those times though is that I was younger and foolish. I learnt from my mistakes and I tried really hard not to give up on you.
What I didn't realise though, is that you'd already given up on me.
So have a great life. I truly mean that.
Goodbye, for the last time.
Jessica.

Life Lessons Aren't Always Easy To Learn

You can't just keep expecting people to change. You can hint it to them and tell them how frustrated you are with their actions for years but they'll never change unless they make the decision to. 

I'm having difficulty practicing what I preach right now because it's hard to let go of that hope. You grow up around someone and watch them make the same stupid mistakes all the time and they never learn. When you get older, you try and talk to them about your personal issues and how they could help themselves but, ultimately, you can't change people. 

It's one of the hardest lessons in life to learn but also one of the most important. 

No matter how much you love someone and hope they will change, they're never going to be the person you need them to be. 

So you have two choices: you can live with it and accept them for how they are or you can move on from them and try to cope that way. 

For me, it's someone in my family. Someone you're supposed to love and respect unconditionally. 

I love her, with all my heart, but I find it impossible to look at her in the way I'm expected to. 

I don't respect her choices, I don't understand her actions and some of the things she's done have really affected me emotionally. 

But she has good points. 

She's kind, her heart is in the right place (most of the time) and she tries hard with me. Most of the time. 

Unfortunately, it's the difficult times that tend to make you reflect the most and, for me, I have to decide whether or not I can cope with having it feature in my life prominently. 

It's impossible to cut her out of my life completely and I don't want that. 

If she wasn't who she was, I would have done. A long time ago. 

But it's trickier than that. 

I don't think I'm ever going to stop hoping and praying she'll change one day but I hope I can learn to stop trying. 

It might take me moving far away for it to happen but I'm willing to accept that. 

There's only so much of yourself you can give to a difficult situation before it consumes you.

Jessica

xoxo

The First Cut Is The Deepest

'Life is only as good as those you get to share it with' - Darren Criss

This is one of my favourite quotes for a lot of reasons: it's true, it's short and sweet and it carries more weight than I believe was initially intended.
I've just turned 20 and I'm still relatively young but that doesn't mean I haven't experienced heartbreak. Thing is, I'm not talking about a guy; I'm talking about friends.
We've all been there; you have a friend that isn't really great for you and the friendship starts to suffer but you just can't call it quits for some reason.
For me, my last friendship breakup was extremely difficult. It started off being because I liked a guy and she didn't approve and turned into a disgusting breakup which I'm still trying to get over months later.
The initial problem was that she didn't think he was a great guy and I was still in that 'Oh he's so perfect and can't do anything wrong' phase of liking someone we all tend to go through in the beginning of something new. On reflection, I understand where she was coming to - to an extent - but it was when she started making me feel dirty after making out with him where I had to take a step back and say 'Hey. It is not okay for you to make me feel like that'.
I'm not perfect. I sometimes judge people, mentally, that I see on the streets while I'm out and think 'Bad outfit' or 'Strange hair' or whatever but you don't expect that from your friends. The point I made to her was that there are enough women hating on other women in this world and that's what got me upset. She didn't understand this and kept trying to justify her reasoning - even going to far as to say that she had older friends who would think it was disgusting. The blows got lower and lower until I had to call it and say 'Don't message me anymore'. But I kept it nice. This is a woman I've loved and appreciated for three years and I wished her the best in life. Originally, she'd said that we could be friends but she wasn't going to mention her personal life and I shouldn't mention mine but, as I said to her, that isn't a friendship. Friendship is about being raw and open and trusting someone to help you through the bad and good times.
So we stopped talking.
A couple months later, I sent her a message saying that I was sorry about what happened and that I hoped we could still be friends because I love her and the situation was bad. Unfortunately, I opened up to her and she spat back in my face. I showed my friend Roslyn the messages and she was disgusted. I stopped reading them as they got nastier and noticed she still wasn't getting my original point about women hating on women. The last message which Roslyn read was apparently vile. I didn't read it but I caught the last bit about me being young and immature.
The thing is that you can't pretend to be mature or decide you're more mature than someone just because you're older. We all have different experiences in life and they all shape who we are and who we become. Just because she's older than me, doesn't mean she's better and I think she is extremely immature. She even said she blocked me on social media and blocked my number. There are better ways to handle breakups and I respected her more than that.
Throughout my difficult lesson learning, I tried to be nice to her because I did love her and I missed her. She was a good friend to me for those years and I don't think you should forget that.
The problem is that she called me immature and nasty and a bully but she didn't accept the fact that her judgment of me over something that made me happy at the time really hurt me. I apologized and accepted that we were both wrong to let it escalate but she never apologized. She liked to say it was all my fault and she probably still believes that but, at the end of the day, I know I tried.
I learned a lot from that though.
While friendship breakups can be extremely painful, it's good to let go of people who are toxic and who don't make you feel good about yourself.
I'm not saying 'Only be friends with people who always agree with you' because that's ridiculous and unrealistic. What I'm saying is that you should only be friends with people who bring positivity and loyalty to your life. I disagree with my friends all the time but it's how you approach the disagreement and the situations that define your friendship. Never allow your friend to feel like you don't appreciate them because people can only take so much of that.
For me, I know I acted mature in that situation. After our initial argument, I never hit below the belt again. I tried to reason with her and accept that both of us were wrong but she was too stuck on her own, single-minded opinions and calling me names I didn't deserve.
However upsetting a friendship breakup is, you learn something from every one. I've never learnt more from a breakup than I have with my last one and, although I still miss her and wish her the best out of life, I'm glad we're not friends anymore. I have incredible friends who I treasure with all my heart and I'm so grateful for these people.
I only hope that she can accept that it wasn't all my fault one day.
I just don't know if she will.
'Life is only as good as those you get to share it with' - Darren Criss
Jessica
xoxo

A Tragic Hero

A little while ago, I wrote about a woman who had chosen to end her own life in the face of a terminal illness. Brittany showed so much strength in making that difficult decision and her family showed an equal amount of overwhelming strength for supporting her decision until the end. 

Brittany Maynard ended her life on Saturday 1st of November 2014. 

While I did not know her, I respect and admire this incredible woman for the brave decision she made to end her life with dignity. 

May she forever rest in peace and love. 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/brittany-maynard-the-29-year-old-woman-with-terminal-cancer