The End of Lockdown

The restrictions around lockdown will be easing from next week.

This means my boyfriend has already brought up when I will be going back to my own flat.

I hadn't thought about that possibility in weeks.

It probably isn't healthy but I've been living in my bubble with him for two months and I got comfortable.

I haven't spent this much time with someone since I lived with nanny in our homes and his constant presence eased my pain of not being able to see my friends and family.

Okay, there were some issues in the beginning as we navigated the mildly treacherous waters of going from seeing each other half the week to spending almost all of our time together but we got there in the end and the last month or so has been lovely. We're in our routine of food shopping and him playing his xBox all day on Saturday then spending time together on Sunday so that we each get what we need (for him, space. for me, company). I'm extremely content.

When he brought it up last night, I could feel my mood change. It was almost as if he'd flicked a switch.
My bubble was suddenly burst and I had to listen to what he was saying.

Of course, I explained why I was sad and he didn't understand but he was kind and sweet and he refused to leave until I'd cheered up a bit.
It did help and when he came through and spent the whole night with me, I was able to forget about my sadness momentarily.

At least until this morning...

My flatmate messaged our group chat so I let her know I'd probably be back within the next few weeks. She then said we'd have to practice social distancing, despite the fact you don't have to socially distance from people you live with.

I told my boyfriend this and he didn't make any comments to say whether I'd be staying for even some of it or going or anything.

For some reason, this upset me so I left and went back to the bedroom.
I only went back through to the room he's in once to return the cookies I was planning on having for breakfast seeing as there isn't any milk for cereal.

Unfortunately for me, he knows me.

I can't eat when I'm feeling any kind of negative emotion and he knows this so he came through shortly afterwards to ask me why I was sad and what he had done because he didn't understand.

He hadn't done anything and I know we have different viewpoints on us staying together and me leaving so I didn't want to tell him this again or frustrate him but he wouldn't leave until I explained why I was sad so I did.

He got frustrated in his lack of understanding and told me 'I don't understand. We don't live together' but that wasn't why I was upset.

I was (still am) upset about the lack of clarity.

From his words, it sounds like he thinks lockdown is over completely next week but I don't think that's the case so I have questions:

Will we go back to seeing each other for half the week? 

Will we be able to? 

Will he even want me to seeing as I'm on furlough for three weeks starting from 1st June and ending on 19th June? (He's an introvert - he isn't horrible, just needs space) 

Will I be able to see friends or will I be alone (okay my flatmate's there but she works in the hospital every other week and is home every other week. She works in the kitchen though so I have a strong feeling cooking will be difficult...)? 

Will I be just at my flat for the whole three weeks? 

The annoying thing is that I understand where he's coming from and I feel awful for being so upset about it.

He has had me living with him for two months now and he hasn't complained once.

Okay, there have been stressful points but he's never been cruel or unkind - despite being a person who needs a large amount of space.

If I'm being honest with myself, I know that he probably would've found it easier if I'd gone home for half of lockdown but he let me stay because he put my emotions first.

Now that I'm going to be on furlough, I should probably put his emotions first and just go home.

But I'm really struggling with that.

It would be easier if I knew the end-date or what was going to happen but the thing about Coronavirus is that the government are having to make plans daily as the situation changes.

I love him so much but the idea of being completely alone without any comfort is making me feel so sad, I'm numb.

I just don't know.

If this were a facebook post, I'd ask for suggestions on what to do but it isn't and no one reads this.

My head is saying I should go home and give him that space he needs for the entirety of my furlough.

My heart is begging me to stay.

But we're having the conversation about it next week and I might not get a choice either way.

I hope that I can keep my emotions in check whichever outcome it is.

Unfortunately, I know myself better than to think I can hide my sadness from him.

I can hide it from strangers and even some family members but not him and not Jane.

Because they're the two people I love most in the world.

Urgh.

It's been 40 minutes since he went back through and I suppose I feel a little better.

Writing this has cleared my head ever so slightly but the impending conversation, my last week at work and the thought of having to re-meet my friend's boyfriend over Skype tomorrow after not-liking him for months (he was rude when I met him) means that this next week is going to be interesting.

...

Right after I wrote that, my boyfriend came through to check on me.

I tried to explain about the head/heart thing but he didn't say much to that.
What he did say was that lockdown is over next week.

I tried to say that that isn't exactly what I'd read but then he asked if I had even properly read it so I gave up talking.

He stayed for about half an hour and he was affectionate and loving but it's still in my head.

At one point, we were facing each other while lying in bed and I couldn't get it out of me head that this might be our last weekend where we're able to do this.

Our last weekend in our bubble.

I do feel better though.

Even if I do have Olly Murs' 'Ask Me To Stay' stuck in my head...

It doesn't even relate to the situation... I think it's just the title.

It's a great song though.

Oh well...

I guess I should just focus on going home next weekend.

I'll need to think about a bunch of things.

1. I should definitely change my bedding as soon as I get home
2. I need to go to Sainsbury's
3. I'll probably need to get a taxi as I've got a backpack and a big bag and will probably have at least two shopping bags of stuff...

Okay, I'm stopping there because it's stressing me out.

At least I can leave my board games here because I can't play them on my own...

I really am grasping at straws for positives here but hey ho...

It is what it is.

Today, I'm going to reply to Jane and chill by myself. Maybe have some wine later.

I would go to the shops but I don't have any motivation to do so.

I'm not as sad as I was when I started writing but I still feel crap and drained so...

Sorry if anyone does read this and it's really depressing...

Love,
Jessica
xoxo