New Year, Incredibly New Start

Well this will most definitely be less depressing than the last post... 

I'm currently writing this from a train on the way to Newcastle on my way to my hospice induction. 
2020 has been a pretty big year so far. 
I got offered a job that's certainly a step in the right direction towards my dream career in charity and I am now a Supporter Relations Officer for Marie Curie. 
I couldn't be happier. 

While money will still be tight for the next month and I'll still have a long way to go before I'm anywhere close to where I was financially in 2018, I'm moving forward and that's all that matters. 

I still have that incredible boyfriend and we're now steadily approaching the seven month mark - a fact that seems almost unbelievable to me. 
My only issues there are in regards to my overthinking... 
I'm getting better but I'm not perfect. I guess no one is really but the overthinking thing is driving me as nuts as it's probably driving him. 

In a way, I can't really be too hard on myself for it. 
In the last three years, I've lost the person who raised me, gone through the worst depression of my life, picked myself up from that, been really good with money, been really bad with money and eventually gotten on the right track for my dream job. 

I've been busy. 

The thing is, as much as my overthinking annoys me, my boyfriend deals with it perfectly. 
I\m so used to going it alone that I still never really think about how someone else could help me. 

I had an overthinking moment yesterday. 
Usually, it would take me about three or four hours to talk myself out of the weird funk that my head is in but he talked me through it and I felt fine after half an hour. 

He is so consistently good to me and I really have no idea how much longer I'll have with him or if I'll be lucky enough to have him in my life forever but he is the only person in the world who makes me feel like I can be completely me and he won't get annoyed. 
Of course, I've known my best friend Jane for over 20 years now but it's a different level of comfort. 
He sees me at my most vulnerable, my happiest, my most worried, my most stressed.... Everything, sometimes in the space of one week, and he deals with me perfectly every time. 

There's a Taylor Swift song from her latest album called 'Afterglow' and I've always resonated with the lyrics in regards to him. 
More specifically, these: 

'I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue

Put you in jail for something you didn’t do

I pinned your hands behind your back, oh

Thought I had reason to attack, but no' 

'Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

But it's not what I meant

Sorry that I hurt you

I don't wanna do, I don’t wanna do this to you (Ooh)

I don’t wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)

I need to say, hey, it’s all me, just don't go

Meet me in the afterglow' 

I won't share too much about my relationship because, even though I truly believe I am the only person who will ever read this, it's still on the internet and I'm a more private person than I was a few years ago. 

What I will say is that, as we've spent more time with each other, I have found myself getting annoyed at him over stupid little things and then finding myself confused the next day as to why I got so worked up over something so trivial. 

I don't know if it's hormones or what it is but it's annoying. 

Still, he stays though. 

I got so wrapped up in the memory of not saying when I was upset about something in my last relationship that I decided to say when any little thing annoyed me in my current one and I don't necessarily think that's the right idea either. 

I need to think through things more because he doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend who gets worked up about every little thing. 

The last thing I want is for us to break up and for him to get another girlfriend who doesn't have these crazy moments and for him to think 'Oh wow, Jess was insane. This is really what a relationship should be like'. 

Okay, I'm reaching but that's not really the point here. 

What I love about our relationship (amongst other things) is that we're not afraid to admit we're not perfect but we're trying for each other. 

I would much rather be in a relationship that's real and that I have to work on than one where we constantly tell each other how much we love each other and everything's always perfect and wonderful. 

That doesn't feel real to me. 

I've had that before and I look back and almost laugh at us for being so naive and stupid. 

But we were young and I guess that's what you do when you're young. 

You play pretend at being grown ups when you really don't know anything about love or relationships. 

In many ways, I still don't but I'm learning and I know now what I deserve and what I'm willing to fight for. 

The way I'm feeling right now, I don't know if I could be this happy with someone else. It's still relatively early and I'm sure I probably could be if I was given a few years but I can't find myself picturing a future without him in it and I don't really want to. 

I am so incredibly happy and grateful for him. 

I'll work on myself forever if I have to to make this work. 

But I am getting better! Which gives me hope. 

I think the new job has a large amount to do with that. 

Speaking of... 

I love it. 

I am so happy. 

At Standard Life, I dreaded going into work every single day. 

I had horrible luck with managers, the second of which seemed to pick solely on me which was incredibly unfair, and I didn't feel like anything I did was good enough. 

My best example of how awful Standard Life was was when I got questioned for being ill. 

I get tonsillitis almost every year and I have for the last three or four years. 

When I got it in August last year, I was actually accused of making it up simply because I had mentioned wanting to see some fringe shows that were on during the 9-5 working day in the week. 

I had a doctors note and antibiotics but I was still faking it in my manager's eyes. 

When I had a horrible cold all week a couple of weeks ago, my manager actually suggested I go home and she made sure I had the number for calling in sick. When I called the next day, that manager told me to take care of myself and to call on Monday if I still wasn't better. 

The whole experience made me feel so much better because I wasn't judged for being ill, I was supported and not made to feel like a liar which was different. 

I never really had this with Highland Experience because they were pretty good to me too but Standard Life was awful. 

The biggest mistake I've ever made was working there and I am so glad I got out when I did, even if it wasn't the most ideal situation to be in. 

A few months ago, in November, I felt sick at my decisions and where I had ended up. 

I knew it would all work out eventually but I didn't know when or how or if I would be okay until it did. 

My family, friends and boyfriend all came through for me in the second most-difficult time of my life and I'll be forever grateful for them all. 

I got out and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, finally! 

It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I know it'll still be a little difficult financially but I'll be okay. I'll figure it out. 

And I didn't even need to settle for a job I didn't want! 

Thank God. 

I don't know when I'll next write because I'm super busy and I'm getting back into working full time and managing my life around that but I hope I'm as happy and settled whenever I write next as I feel currently, still sitting on this train to Newcastle. 

Love, 

Jessica 

xoxo

This Love Is Good

When I got onto Facebook this morning, one of the first things to catch my eye in the 'Trending' part on the right side of the screen was 'Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift'. 

As a huge 'Swiftie', my eyes were drawn to it and I clicked the blue letters instantly. 

So many articles have already been written in the last few hours about it. 

The 'news' is that Calvin and Taylor celebrated their first anniversary on Sunday. 

Some are skeptical and mocking of Taylor but the ones I've read were filled with words like 'adorable' and 'sweet'.

I, for one, am so incredibly happy for them. 

The couple met at last year's Brit awards in February and managed to keep their new relationship private for two months before the rumor mill started turning in May. 

Since then, they have proven themselves to be a supportive power-couple; with Taylor frequently showing up at Calvin's gigs and Calvin accompanying Taylor to award shows, looking proud in the audience at her concerts and tweeting/instagramming his support for her several times.

Calvin Harris is a huge component in why Taylor has been so happy and empowered recently. It makes my heart happy - that sounds cheesy as Hell, I'm aware! - to know she's in a positive, loving relationship with a man who shows nothing but respect and adoration for her. 

What we can't forget is that another large part of Taylor's happiness is down to her fans, family and close friends. 

She has inspired me, and so many other women, to find friends who are positive influences in our lives. Strong, confident, intelligent, womderful women who inspire me to be better every day - just by being their friend.

Will this be Taylor's everlasting love? 

I don't know. 

One thing I do know is that Taylor is happy and in love and still continuing to be a better person than most of us could ever dream to be on a daily basis. 

Congratulations on one year, Calvin and Taylor! 

May it be the first of many.

Jessica

xoxo

P.S. That necklace is gorgeous. I definitely wouldn't mind one similar if I ever make it to a year with someone other than a girlfriend...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hi! 

Hope anyone who sees this had a lovely Valentine's Day! 

I had an incredible time in Glasgow with my friend Karlie! We got Starbucks then ate at Five Guys and saw Zoolander 2! It was so much fun!

Jessica

xoxo

Supergirl

SO, I started this year with the intention of actually writing and keeping weekly updates or whatever.
Clearly, that has not happened.
But it's been a busy year. So much has happened.
I've started college, quit my job, lost friends and gained friends... I've grown up a little more.
Guys wise? Meh. I mean, I started going on dates this year was interesting... I met a really nice guy who came into my work and gave me his number. He was kind, funny, sweet and interesting but I... I don't know. I wasn't attracted to him. Not in the way that matters. So I had to let him down which felt awful. Then there was a guy whose name I won't mention ever. Gross. He was smarmy and cheesy and very sexual. He worked in a bar and he was a few years older than me (mid-twenties, I'm 19) so he wanted completely different things and I told him that but then I got a text from him later being kinda mad and I just... No thanks. Whenever I see him now, it's incredibly awkward.
I've also... Okay. My best friend moved out and her roommates are all lovely. Two girls and two guys. One of the guys has a crush on me. I've known this for a while but I've tried to brush it off as I love him as a friend. The other guy I've had a crush on since the second I met him properly. But he had a girlfriend so I never thought about it again because there was no chance it would ever happen. He recently broke up with his girlfriend because they had no future together which is a smart choice. You can't stay with someone who wants completely different things. It won't work. But, yeah, so they broke up and he found out I liked him and... We talked it through. I'm not really ready to date right now as I have so much going on and he's still in love with his ex. Then, a couple of weeks ago, we kissed but we had another couple of mature discussions about it and we agreed it shouldn't go any further.
Halloween, we spent the evening together (My best friend, the two guys and I) and he told me he wanted to get back with his ex. I was a little upset about it but we still talked it through and I wrote a song about it and we're okay now.
We talked again a couple of days later and he told me about something that had happened with his ex which had put him into a difficult position. I won't go into it but, for me, it was just another example of why they shouldn't be together and I told him that. I told him not to get back with her. I just hope he listens because I, truly, want the best for him.

In other news, I have incredible friends. Since starting college, I met a girl who makes me laugh every single day. She says dirty jokes and she's quirky and it's just hilarious when I'm with her.
I love my best friend's roommates. Love them. One is studying Journalism (I think) but she acts as well and she's so freaking talented! I saw her in 'Into The Woods' and her performance almost made me cry. The other girl is really funny. She's American and she's so smart. I want to get to know her better.
I feel like most parts of my life are going okay whereas the others aren't but that's alright. I mean, life isn't perfect. And it's how we handle the bad moments that defines who we turn out to be.
One thing's for sure though, I really want to move out. I want my independence. In order to do that though, I need to find a new job and start saving again which will be a challenge. I have an interview near the end of this month so I'm hoping it goes well.
Until then, I'll be applying to other jobs too and hoping.
Also, the reason this post is called 'Supergirl' is because I was that character for Halloween. I love Supergirl. She's awesome. Superman is my favourite superhero (tied with Grant Gustin's version of The Flash) and now that Melissa Benoist is portraying her on TV, I'm so excited! It's such a good show. Plus, I've always wanted to own the costume... I wouldn't be surprised if it comes back every Halloween/for every fancy dress party I go to...

New Job, New Plans, New-ish Jess.

Okay, so, wow... I haven't written in a long time. To be fair, I was a mess after Cory died. Even though I didn't know him personally, I couldn't stop thinking about everyone else. Friends, family, fans... If I'm completely honest, I'm still not over it. I still cry every couple of days when something reminds me of him in a particularly potent way. But I accepted that I would never get over his death a while ago. And, really, the fact that it does still hurt shows how much of an incredible person he really was. He'll be remembered forever in our hearts. So he's immortal in that way. As Cory once said 'Love is how you stay alive even after you're gone.'.
Anyway, change of topic. I'll start with each headline.

New Job
I got a job! I had an interview at a Hairdresser's on the Tuesday after Cory died but that didn't work out. I'm not surprised nor was I upset. I was a mess at the time, like I said, and I don't know if I would have been a very good hairdresser anyway. I'll leave that to the more beautiful and stylish girls of the world.
I got an interview with a private nursery in Colinton, Edinburgh and I got the job considering I got a place with Carousel Training. I got that place and, after a long time, I finally got a start date.
I start next week on the 23rd September.
I will be working with babies and toddlers part-time every week while attending a college course with Carousel Training once a month.
I'm very excited to begin. Can't wait actually.
My senior year of High School, I felt like everyone had a plan but me. They were going to university or college or something. I had nothing. No idea.
But, now, I have a plan. I know what I'm doing for the next year and a half or so. It'll be hard and I might even hate it some days but I'm committed to it and I'm going to work hard.
I'm just glad to have a plan.

New Plans
Which leads me onto my next point... :)
I have made a few plans which will probably change as the years go by but, hopefully, not by too much.
For one: I want to move to America. Preferably, San Francisco. I love the atmosphere and the people and the scenery. It's gorgeous. If not there, I'm thinking Michigan or something. I'll figure it out.
Another thing I want to do is become more involved in charity work. I have a few specific things in mind that I would like to help out and volunteer for but I need to find out the main organisations in the UK.
For now though, I'm happy to stay in Edinburgh.
I'll work it out from there.

New-ish Jess
To be fair, it's not so much 'new' as 'retro' Jess.
I've been wearing skirts and dresses on a pretty constant basis all summer which is something I used to do before I started High School at age eleven. I love dresses and skirts. I was a big girly-girl growing up and it was nice not to have my legs covered in jeans which have been a staple of my wardrobe since 2007.
I love jeans, don't get me wrong. Skinny jeans make me smile and they're warm and I don't find them uncomfortable. They're also very... I don't know. They're homey. Does that even make sense? They're comfortable anyway.
So, I decided to wear more dresses, etcetera. This means I'll have to buy more and also tights or something for Winter but, like my life, I'll figure that out as I go along as well :)

I don't really know what else there is to say. The Fringe was great this year! Loved the Comedy shows!
Going to leave a couple of pictures from the last two months here...
xoxo

Choosing Glee (Sort of a book review but not really)

Yesterday, I got a book in the mail yesterday. I wasn't expecting it (even though I, obviously, ordered it).
Anyway... I have never been one to sit down and read a book until it's finished. But I, seriously, couldn't put the book down. I sat on my bed, reading and doing the Heartwork, for three hours until the book was finished.
I am a positive person in general. I like to stay optimistic because I am hopeful in my future and that it will be better.
This book was... It was incredible. Jenna and I seem to have a great deal in common. Her outlook on life is, pretty much, identical to mine and her positive energy bursts from the book. I love it.
The book has ten chapters/rules to finding Inspiration, Happiness and the Real You.
Rule 1: Be Yourself
Rule 2: Know What You Want
Rule 3: 'Fear' Is Not The F Word
Rule 4: Ready Set... Screw Up
Rule 5: Expect The Unexpected
Rule 6: Get Off Your Butt
Rule 7: Never Say Never
Rule 8: Do Your Very Best
Rule 9: Jump In!
Rule 10: Take A Bow
In each chapter, she gives tips along with her own personal stories and other things related to the chapter title. There are also Heartwork Assignments that you can fill out or do. They are really good. I can't describe how motivated I feel. She really made me think about my life and put a lot of things in perspective for me. And she has a point! Her rules make sense and the questions she makes you ask yourself actually help. They make you think things through in a different way and she has suggestions for how you can do everything in a positive way.
I'm not going to go into detail about it but I felt like it was a very personal thing for me for some reason. Filling the Heartwork Assignments out with my honest answers... The book knows stuff about me that only me and the book know. It knows what I want for my future, from my silliest and wildest dreams to my genuine concerns. And it's all true (hence the word 'honest'). I am definitely going to keep this book close to me while I live out the years.
That's another good thing about it. The way it is written, you feel like Jenna is talking to you personally. As an individual. Specifically. I love that she has done it this way. I felt like I was talking to a friend (I didn't talk to the book but I did read it aloud for some reason). She's an incredible person and, although she's a Taurus and I'm a Capricorn, I really do feel that we have a lot in common and that she has helped me.
Everyone should read this book. Even if you're super successful and happy and rich and whatever.

So, if you are not me and reading this (Unlikely but, if you're me and you haven't looked at the book in a while, go pick it up and read it Jessica!), go buy it or something. Just read it and I promise it will make you feel more positive or help you feel motivated in some way.