The restrictions around lockdown will be easing from next week.
This means my boyfriend has already brought up when I will be going back to my own flat.
I hadn't thought about that possibility in weeks.
It probably isn't healthy but I've been living in my bubble with him for two months and I got comfortable.
I haven't spent this much time with someone since I lived with nanny in our homes and his constant presence eased my pain of not being able to see my friends and family.
Okay, there were some issues in the beginning as we navigated the mildly treacherous waters of going from seeing each other half the week to spending almost all of our time together but we got there in the end and the last month or so has been lovely. We're in our routine of food shopping and him playing his xBox all day on Saturday then spending time together on Sunday so that we each get what we need (for him, space. for me, company). I'm extremely content.
When he brought it up last night, I could feel my mood change. It was almost as if he'd flicked a switch.
My bubble was suddenly burst and I had to listen to what he was saying.
Of course, I explained why I was sad and he didn't understand but he was kind and sweet and he refused to leave until I'd cheered up a bit.
It did help and when he came through and spent the whole night with me, I was able to forget about my sadness momentarily.
At least until this morning...
My flatmate messaged our group chat so I let her know I'd probably be back within the next few weeks. She then said we'd have to practice social distancing, despite the fact you don't have to socially distance from people you live with.
I told my boyfriend this and he didn't make any comments to say whether I'd be staying for even some of it or going or anything.
For some reason, this upset me so I left and went back to the bedroom.
I only went back through to the room he's in once to return the cookies I was planning on having for breakfast seeing as there isn't any milk for cereal.
Unfortunately for me, he knows me.
I can't eat when I'm feeling any kind of negative emotion and he knows this so he came through shortly afterwards to ask me why I was sad and what he had done because he didn't understand.
He hadn't done anything and I know we have different viewpoints on us staying together and me leaving so I didn't want to tell him this again or frustrate him but he wouldn't leave until I explained why I was sad so I did.
He got frustrated in his lack of understanding and told me 'I don't understand. We don't live together' but that wasn't why I was upset.
I was (still am) upset about the lack of clarity.
From his words, it sounds like he thinks lockdown is over completely next week but I don't think that's the case so I have questions:
Will we go back to seeing each other for half the week?
Will we be able to?
Will he even want me to seeing as I'm on furlough for three weeks starting from 1st June and ending on 19th June? (He's an introvert - he isn't horrible, just needs space)
Will I be able to see friends or will I be alone (okay my flatmate's there but she works in the hospital every other week and is home every other week. She works in the kitchen though so I have a strong feeling cooking will be difficult...)?
Will I be just at my flat for the whole three weeks?
The annoying thing is that I understand where he's coming from and I feel awful for being so upset about it.
He has had me living with him for two months now and he hasn't complained once.
Okay, there have been stressful points but he's never been cruel or unkind - despite being a person who needs a large amount of space.
If I'm being honest with myself, I know that he probably would've found it easier if I'd gone home for half of lockdown but he let me stay because he put my emotions first.
Now that I'm going to be on furlough, I should probably put his emotions first and just go home.
But I'm really struggling with that.
It would be easier if I knew the end-date or what was going to happen but the thing about Coronavirus is that the government are having to make plans daily as the situation changes.
I love him so much but the idea of being completely alone without any comfort is making me feel so sad, I'm numb.
I just don't know.
If this were a facebook post, I'd ask for suggestions on what to do but it isn't and no one reads this.
My head is saying I should go home and give him that space he needs for the entirety of my furlough.
My heart is begging me to stay.
But we're having the conversation about it next week and I might not get a choice either way.
I hope that I can keep my emotions in check whichever outcome it is.
Unfortunately, I know myself better than to think I can hide my sadness from him.
I can hide it from strangers and even some family members but not him and not Jane.
Because they're the two people I love most in the world.
Urgh.
It's been 40 minutes since he went back through and I suppose I feel a little better.
Writing this has cleared my head ever so slightly but the impending conversation, my last week at work and the thought of having to re-meet my friend's boyfriend over Skype tomorrow after not-liking him for months (he was rude when I met him) means that this next week is going to be interesting.
...
Right after I wrote that, my boyfriend came through to check on me.
I tried to explain about the head/heart thing but he didn't say much to that.
What he did say was that lockdown is over next week.
I tried to say that that isn't exactly what I'd read but then he asked if I had even properly read it so I gave up talking.
He stayed for about half an hour and he was affectionate and loving but it's still in my head.
At one point, we were facing each other while lying in bed and I couldn't get it out of me head that this might be our last weekend where we're able to do this.
Our last weekend in our bubble.
I do feel better though.
Even if I do have Olly Murs' 'Ask Me To Stay' stuck in my head...
It doesn't even relate to the situation... I think it's just the title.
It's a great song though.
Oh well...
I guess I should just focus on going home next weekend.
I'll need to think about a bunch of things.
1. I should definitely change my bedding as soon as I get home
2. I need to go to Sainsbury's
3. I'll probably need to get a taxi as I've got a backpack and a big bag and will probably have at least two shopping bags of stuff...
Okay, I'm stopping there because it's stressing me out.
At least I can leave my board games here because I can't play them on my own...
I really am grasping at straws for positives here but hey ho...
It is what it is.
Today, I'm going to reply to Jane and chill by myself. Maybe have some wine later.
I would go to the shops but I don't have any motivation to do so.
I'm not as sad as I was when I started writing but I still feel crap and drained so...
Sorry if anyone does read this and it's really depressing...
Love,
Jessica
xoxo
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Saturday, 23 May 2020
Wednesday, 20 May 2020
A Letter to My Boyfriend During Lockdown
Dear Darling,
I know I've been a bit of a hormonal mess these last two months and I wanted to say that I'm sorry.
I can't promise I'll be better with it (not seeing my friends is taking its' toll on me) but I do promise to try.
There have been more than a couple of times where you've probably been sat staring at me, wondering what on Earth you did wrong.
I can't always explain it but I appreciate how you handle my 'annoyed at you for something stupid' moments.
You're absolutely not perfect at dealing with me but I don't you expect you to be.
You try.
That's enough for me.
We weren't ready to move in together when lockdown happened.
Seven months into a relationship is not very long when you've each been single and used to doing things on your own terms for your entire lives.
Somehow, we've managed.
I've gotten mad at you several thousand times and it hasn't been perfect or easy every single day but it's almost three months into lockdown and we're still coping.
In fact, I think we're doing better.
I'm sorry it doesn't always seem like I should be getting mad at you for certain things and I'm sorry I'm not always happy and I'm more prone to chilled sadness.
Please understand that while I am not a girl who always needs to have a boyfriend, I am a girl who always needs to be able to see her friends.
I'm struggling a lot without them.
I'm writing this on here partly because I know you'll never read it and partly because I just need to get it out of my system.
Lockdown is hard on everyone in different ways.
With us, well I'm an extrovert while you're extremely introverted and here I am expecting you to make up for my lack of ability to socialise at the moment when you need much more alone time than I do.
It isn't fair of me to do that and I should probably try to be better in that area.
I think The Script summed it up pretty perfectly in a song they wrote years before Coronavirus meant we were unable to leave our homes.
'Oh these times are hard and they're making us crazy, don't give up on me baby'
Lockdown is difficult and it's making me a little crazy but please don't give up on me.
I'm trying.
I know you are too.
All my love,
Jessica
xoxo
I know I've been a bit of a hormonal mess these last two months and I wanted to say that I'm sorry.
I can't promise I'll be better with it (not seeing my friends is taking its' toll on me) but I do promise to try.
There have been more than a couple of times where you've probably been sat staring at me, wondering what on Earth you did wrong.
I can't always explain it but I appreciate how you handle my 'annoyed at you for something stupid' moments.
You're absolutely not perfect at dealing with me but I don't you expect you to be.
You try.
That's enough for me.
We weren't ready to move in together when lockdown happened.
Seven months into a relationship is not very long when you've each been single and used to doing things on your own terms for your entire lives.
Somehow, we've managed.
I've gotten mad at you several thousand times and it hasn't been perfect or easy every single day but it's almost three months into lockdown and we're still coping.
In fact, I think we're doing better.
I'm sorry it doesn't always seem like I should be getting mad at you for certain things and I'm sorry I'm not always happy and I'm more prone to chilled sadness.
Please understand that while I am not a girl who always needs to have a boyfriend, I am a girl who always needs to be able to see her friends.
I'm struggling a lot without them.
I'm writing this on here partly because I know you'll never read it and partly because I just need to get it out of my system.
Lockdown is hard on everyone in different ways.
With us, well I'm an extrovert while you're extremely introverted and here I am expecting you to make up for my lack of ability to socialise at the moment when you need much more alone time than I do.
It isn't fair of me to do that and I should probably try to be better in that area.
I think The Script summed it up pretty perfectly in a song they wrote years before Coronavirus meant we were unable to leave our homes.
'Oh these times are hard and they're making us crazy, don't give up on me baby'
Lockdown is difficult and it's making me a little crazy but please don't give up on me.
I'm trying.
I know you are too.
All my love,
Jessica
xoxo
Monday, 23 December 2019
I'll Be Home For Christmas
In many ways, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year.
I'm not immune to the magic of Christmas. To the way Princes Street gardens glows with the lights and bustle of the Christmas market that takes over what was once a reasonably large loch every year.
To the excitement of children as they wait for Santa to come. To the stress of hurried shoppers as they try and find the perfect gift for the perfect person.
For some of December, I embrace it.
I love the challenge of finding presents that perfectly relate to whoever I'm buying them for and I love seeing twinkling lights and fir trees everywhere.
But as it gets closer to Christmas Day, I tend to retreat into a little bubble of just me.
I need to be alone and left to my own devices as much as possible.
It wasn't always this way.
Growing up, Christmas was the most magical experience.
Nanny and I would put our Christmas tree up in either the hall or the front room (the front room had an amazing bay window that was the perfect place for our Christmas tree) and we'd spend a couple of hours together decorating it.
I stopped spending Christmas at my mum's, officially, when I was about ten years old.
Before that I'd alternate but, seeing as I'd moved in with nanny the year before, I decided to stay at home for each Christmas after that.
And I loved it.
We'd get up early, later as I got older, and we'd go through to the living room and I'd open my presents from Santa while nanny sat with a cup of tea on the couch. Our dog and later our cat, would often be at her feet.
A few hours later, mum and Jordana would come over with more presents and we'd open them, nanny collecting the wrapping paper to put into a bag as we did so.
After that, we'd have a Christmas dinner of chicken, mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, gravy, vegetables and stuffing.
When Jordana and mum had left, nanny and I would sit in our living room and watch Christmas TV with hot chocolates.
It was perfect.
Low key and quiet and ours.
When she died, my version of Christmas died with her.
That first Christmas, in 2016, I was so wrapped up in my own heartbreak that I don't even remember it.
The only bit I do remember is crying so much.
When asked about that time, my mum told me it was like I was 'in a trance' and I now compare it to the Adam Sandler film Click when he puts himself on autopilot to skip through parts of his life.
I was there but I don't remember it and I wasn't 'me'.
For Christmas 2017, I decided to take some control as there was no way I was letting myself spend another Christmas crying the whole time.
I booked flights to and from Spain and decided to spend it with my auntie.
It was an exciting holiday.
We got into a car crash (apparently, the Spanish aren't the best at driving in fog) and I spend most of my week there dealing with a headache but my auntie tried hard to make it Christmassy and we had a delicious yule log type thing for dessert.
It was less painful but it also just proved that distraction only works for a small amount of time.
In 2018, I was back at my mum's and it was nice.
We baked together, there was family drama and I got home for about eightish.
This Christmas, I feel odd.
I have a boyfriend for the first time ever (wow, I really sound like Bridget Jones right now...) who is away skiing in the French Alps so I can hide my pain from him, which is good.
I have incredible friends, less than last year but they're extremely important.
My relationship with my mother has never been better.
I'm jobless but I have opportunities coming up in the new year which are exciting.
In general, everything has changed and nothing is the same.
Except for my feelings about Christmas.
At a time of year when everyone is heading home for the holidays or going to spend time with family, I miss my home more than ever.
I can't go home. I can't curl up on my couch with nanny, our pets at our feet.
The family I grew up with no longer exists and while our homes are still there, someone else lives in them now, making memories of their own.
I know how depressing that sounds but it's true.
Nothing I've said isn't a fact.
When nanny died, my family died with her.
As much as I love mum and the small family I do have left, nothing will ever be me and nanny and our Christmas traditions.
What I did like this year was making some new ones.
My boyfriend and I made a Christmas dinner which included chicken (from my childhood) and prawn cocktail (something from his as he would be having a fancy dinner in the French Alps for Christmas).
We exchanged presents and had hot chocolate and I was extremely grateful for those memories.
I hope we can do the same next year.
But grief is a funny thing. It creeps up on you, even when you've been expecting it.
This year, I'm taking advantage of my lack of a job and enjoying my time alone.
If I can't be with nanny, I'd rather deal with my grief privately and in my own way.
Of course, I'll head over to mum's on Christmas Day and I'll be back before the Gavin and Stacey Christmas special.
But until then, instead of being wrapped up in family and traditions, I'll be relaxing on my own and acting as if Christmas isn't happening at all.
I know how depressing this sounds but it's just what Christmas has become for me and that's okay.
In a few years, I might have a fiancé or a husband or children to spend it with but for now I'm okay dealing with it in my own way.
Christmas is hard for so many people and this is my way of coping.
I hope anyone else missing a family member this season is okay.
I truly believe that one day, 'I'll be home for Christmas' will truly mean I'm going home and to somewhere I feel safe and happy and loved.
Grief and life changing events take time and I'm still young so I'm okay with waiting a little while.
Who knows where I'll be next year?
Hopefully, somewhere magical and a little less sad.
Jessica
I'm not immune to the magic of Christmas. To the way Princes Street gardens glows with the lights and bustle of the Christmas market that takes over what was once a reasonably large loch every year.
To the excitement of children as they wait for Santa to come. To the stress of hurried shoppers as they try and find the perfect gift for the perfect person.
For some of December, I embrace it.
I love the challenge of finding presents that perfectly relate to whoever I'm buying them for and I love seeing twinkling lights and fir trees everywhere.
But as it gets closer to Christmas Day, I tend to retreat into a little bubble of just me.
I need to be alone and left to my own devices as much as possible.
It wasn't always this way.
Growing up, Christmas was the most magical experience.
Nanny and I would put our Christmas tree up in either the hall or the front room (the front room had an amazing bay window that was the perfect place for our Christmas tree) and we'd spend a couple of hours together decorating it.
I stopped spending Christmas at my mum's, officially, when I was about ten years old.
Before that I'd alternate but, seeing as I'd moved in with nanny the year before, I decided to stay at home for each Christmas after that.
And I loved it.
We'd get up early, later as I got older, and we'd go through to the living room and I'd open my presents from Santa while nanny sat with a cup of tea on the couch. Our dog and later our cat, would often be at her feet.
A few hours later, mum and Jordana would come over with more presents and we'd open them, nanny collecting the wrapping paper to put into a bag as we did so.
After that, we'd have a Christmas dinner of chicken, mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, gravy, vegetables and stuffing.
When Jordana and mum had left, nanny and I would sit in our living room and watch Christmas TV with hot chocolates.
It was perfect.
Low key and quiet and ours.
When she died, my version of Christmas died with her.
That first Christmas, in 2016, I was so wrapped up in my own heartbreak that I don't even remember it.
The only bit I do remember is crying so much.
When asked about that time, my mum told me it was like I was 'in a trance' and I now compare it to the Adam Sandler film Click when he puts himself on autopilot to skip through parts of his life.
I was there but I don't remember it and I wasn't 'me'.
For Christmas 2017, I decided to take some control as there was no way I was letting myself spend another Christmas crying the whole time.
I booked flights to and from Spain and decided to spend it with my auntie.
It was an exciting holiday.
We got into a car crash (apparently, the Spanish aren't the best at driving in fog) and I spend most of my week there dealing with a headache but my auntie tried hard to make it Christmassy and we had a delicious yule log type thing for dessert.
It was less painful but it also just proved that distraction only works for a small amount of time.
In 2018, I was back at my mum's and it was nice.
We baked together, there was family drama and I got home for about eightish.
This Christmas, I feel odd.
I have a boyfriend for the first time ever (wow, I really sound like Bridget Jones right now...) who is away skiing in the French Alps so I can hide my pain from him, which is good.
I have incredible friends, less than last year but they're extremely important.
My relationship with my mother has never been better.
I'm jobless but I have opportunities coming up in the new year which are exciting.
In general, everything has changed and nothing is the same.
Except for my feelings about Christmas.
At a time of year when everyone is heading home for the holidays or going to spend time with family, I miss my home more than ever.
I can't go home. I can't curl up on my couch with nanny, our pets at our feet.
The family I grew up with no longer exists and while our homes are still there, someone else lives in them now, making memories of their own.
I know how depressing that sounds but it's true.
Nothing I've said isn't a fact.
When nanny died, my family died with her.
As much as I love mum and the small family I do have left, nothing will ever be me and nanny and our Christmas traditions.
What I did like this year was making some new ones.
My boyfriend and I made a Christmas dinner which included chicken (from my childhood) and prawn cocktail (something from his as he would be having a fancy dinner in the French Alps for Christmas).
We exchanged presents and had hot chocolate and I was extremely grateful for those memories.
I hope we can do the same next year.
But grief is a funny thing. It creeps up on you, even when you've been expecting it.
This year, I'm taking advantage of my lack of a job and enjoying my time alone.
If I can't be with nanny, I'd rather deal with my grief privately and in my own way.
Of course, I'll head over to mum's on Christmas Day and I'll be back before the Gavin and Stacey Christmas special.
But until then, instead of being wrapped up in family and traditions, I'll be relaxing on my own and acting as if Christmas isn't happening at all.
I know how depressing this sounds but it's just what Christmas has become for me and that's okay.
In a few years, I might have a fiancé or a husband or children to spend it with but for now I'm okay dealing with it in my own way.
Christmas is hard for so many people and this is my way of coping.
I hope anyone else missing a family member this season is okay.
I truly believe that one day, 'I'll be home for Christmas' will truly mean I'm going home and to somewhere I feel safe and happy and loved.
Grief and life changing events take time and I'm still young so I'm okay with waiting a little while.
Who knows where I'll be next year?
Hopefully, somewhere magical and a little less sad.
Jessica
Tuesday, 12 November 2019
Bad Decisions? That's alright...
Welcome to my silly life...
It's been a minute (okay, several thousand minutes...) since I wrote here.So much has happened in the last year that I can barely believe it.
I have...
- Left the job I loved for a more mature career in the financial sector
- Took a pay cut for that job that I ultimately ended up hating
- Dated a bit of a dick who I ended things with quickly (but not quite quickly enough)
- Started writing three books and I've got ideas for others
- Left the aforementioned job in the financial sector for a job that sounded incredible but actually turned out to be a scam
- Become unemployed because my mental state couldn't quite take standing outside for seven hours in the cold just in case I made a sale...
So yeah, it's been quite a year!
In 2018, I was amazing with my money. I budgeted, I saved, I bought a Macbook.
I was so proud of myself.
In 2019, the pay cut and the addition of a car into my life meant a lack of money and new worries that I really struggled with.
In 2020, I'm hoping to get my life back on track but the lack of a job a month and a half before January is worrying me.
It's not all bad though.
I have an incredible boyfriend and wonderful friends who are supporting me in any way that they can at the moment.
If I'm being entirely honest, they're the only reasons I'm getting through this.
I mean, I say this.
I have been officially unemployed for two days.
That's not very long but it's enough to be driving me insane.
The worst part is that there's so much I'm afraid/embarrassed to talk to my closest friends and family about.
I'm embarrassed I made a really stupid decision and took a job I would end up having to leave due to how awful it was (seriously, it was advertised as an amazing opportunity to be a sales and events management trainee but it was actually just a trick which ended up being more like unpaid labour... Okay, it was exactly like that. You go into their office for 7:30am, spend the morning practicing your 'pitch' (which was really just a script to entice people to buy into whatever you were selling), leave the office in groups of three for about 11:30am, go to wherever you've been sent (I was sent to the freezing cold main street in Portobello), spend the next six hours there trying to get as many people to talk to you/buy into the thing you've been assigned to sell before heading back for 6:30pm - 7pm for a debrief.
I didn't make a single sale (only one of our group of three did) and it was then that I realised that you only got paid if you did make a sale...
After I found that out, it was pretty hard to find the willpower to continue.
I had to walk away because I was so close to having a panic attack at the realisation that I'd just given up a job that paid me consistently every month for one that would pay me if I forced people into signing up for a direct debit for a charity I'd never heard of.
I'd been semi led to believe that there would be some sort of base wage.
I was wrong.
So. Wrong.
The next day, I went in for about an hour and then I said I had a headache and I left.
I got in my car and started driving towards my mum's but she didn't answer so I headed to one of my best friend's flat.
I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid.
That night, my boyfriend came over and he was so good to me (he has continued to be so incredibly kind to me despite how sarcastic he usually is) but it wasn't enough to curb my anxiety and I couldn't face going in the next day so I texted my 'mentor' and said I was ill again.
On Monday (yesterday), I quit.
I told him I needed a job that would be guaranteed to pay me every month instead of one where I stood outside in the freezing cold for several hours without any guarantee I would get paid.
He accepted it but told me he was 'sorry I saw it that way'.
I didn't know what other way there was to see it.
Since last Thursday (when I left with a headache...), I have been frantically applying for jobs.
I have maybe three weeks before I'm going to seriously worry about money so I'm desperately hoping I'll find something soon.
As for why I'm embarrassed?
I made this decision. I got myself into this mess.
I can't blame anyone else but myself for this.
And, if I'm being completely honest, if I let myself think about it for too long, I probably will have a mental breakdown.
So why am I writing this all down here?
This blog has always been where I've come to with intense feelings.
I wrote here when my mum (nanny) died.
I wrote here when my cat died.
I wrote here when I was happy too.
One day, hopefully one not too far away from today, I will look back on this experience as a mistake that I overcame.
I don't want to forget how massively I messed up or how devastated I was at the result of my actions
You can't ignore the mistakes you made but nobody ever learned from having continued successes.
This was a horrendously bad decision that I made but it was a failure I am going to learn from and come out on the other side wiser from it.
I know that.
Now, the other thing that I'm too scared to talk about with my friends...
My boyfriend is brilliant.
He is smart, successful and he is miles ahead of me in the game of life (that saying 'Don't compare your Chapter 3 to someone else's Chapter 13' comes into my head whenever I think this).
He wants to be with someone who is equally successful and I'm miles away from being that person.
Now, it's been years since I was that girl who thought she knew what love was and who didn't believe she was good enough for the boy she wasted that 'love' on.
But my boyfriend is so unbelievably brilliant that I oftentimes find myself wondering why he's still choosing me every day.
He's there when I'm at my lowest and he comes over to be with me when I'm struggling.
He makes me laugh and roll my eyes (often in the same sentence...).
He's not perfect but he makes up for his mistakes without me asking him to and he always comes through for me without thinking I'm crazy.
I'm not saying I'm not good enough for him because that's not fair on me and all the work I've done in the last couple of years to improve my opinion on myself.
I'm just worried. I don't think I've ever been this scared of messing something up.
Anyway...
That's just my life at the moment.
Honest, raw and completely a mess.
But I'll fix it.
I have to.
Love,
Jess
xoxo
Friday, 25 August 2017
August Again (Fringe Fun)
I feel like I have to write something this month.
So much happens!
So much happens!
Last year, I lost nanny midway through August on the 18th.
One week later, I was beginning to fall in love for the first time.
One year on and I've just moved into my first apartment.
One week later, I was beginning to fall in love for the first time.
One year on and I've just moved into my first apartment.
Big things happen in August.
Including the Fringe - a classic piece of Edinburgh culture.
Including the Fringe - a classic piece of Edinburgh culture.
The Edinburgh Fringe Festival runs from the beginning until the end of August every year and it's been especially good for its 70th Anniversary.
The main shows I've seen and loved are below:
Racing Minds - Aaaand Now For Something Completely Improvised
This show was as brilliant as it was funny and inspired me to book tickets to the actors' individual shows as well (I'll get onto them in a bit). This show invites the audience into Grandpa's house where he struggles to remember some key details about a story he wants to tell his grandchildren aaaand this is where the audience comes in.
Bamberwill (Daniel Nils Roberts) goes out into the audience to collect three vital pieces of information: A character's name, the place it happened and a secret the character has.
The final key part needed is the title which, once again comes from the audience.
Bamberwill (Daniel Nils Roberts) goes out into the audience to collect three vital pieces of information: A character's name, the place it happened and a secret the character has.
The final key part needed is the title which, once again comes from the audience.
The first time I saw it (I saw it twice more on my two days off work) the show was set in Scotland and Penelope (Tom Skelton) had quite the journey whilst looking fabulous as she was, in fact, a style icon.
The actors' quick-thinking and comedic chemistry leaves you laughing and wishing you could see it again - if only they recorded all of their shows.
Thankfully, they have a podcast which you can subscribe to: www.racingminds.co.uk/wireless
And a website! http://racingminds.co.uk/
Tom Skelton - Blind Man's Bluff
So funny I've booked myself a ticket to see it on the last day of the fringe!
This show gives you a 'mad comedy history of blindness' including famous people with visual impairments while the basis of it is set in an optometrist's office.
I was actually pulled up for this one and... Forgot my name briefly.
The actor in me has definitely vanished.
I was so embarrassed! Tom was hilarious while also making you think and I loved how he got audience members involved in the show. My friend loved it too - partially because she enjoyed laughing at me but the joke's on her because I got a round of applause... From an elderly lady sitting behind me (still counts).
I was actually pulled up for this one and... Forgot my name briefly.
The actor in me has definitely vanished.
I was so embarrassed! Tom was hilarious while also making you think and I loved how he got audience members involved in the show. My friend loved it too - partially because she enjoyed laughing at me but the joke's on her because I got a round of applause... From an elderly lady sitting behind me (still counts).
I can't wait to see this show again and what the future holds for Tom.
Daniel Nils Roberts - The Causeway
I liked this more than I expected to as I wasn't quite sure what to make of it when I read the description. Daniel was funny, kept me thinking and I loved the historic elements it had in it as I'm a big History lover. We even had some great audience participation which made it even funnier.
As the end of the fringe draws nearer, I'm beginning to forget how many shows I've seen but this show, like the other Racing Minds shows I got to see, will definitely stay in my head as one of the best ones.
I only wish I could have seen it more than once.
I only wish I could have seen it more than once.
Chris Turner - What A Time To Be Alive
Chris ended up being a little bit of a wildcard for me as I didn't know what to expect with this show.
When I saw it, however, I was floored by his level of talent. His improvised rap skills are incredible and I was blown away by the quality of the rap he created using words the audience had written down on pieces of paper we were handed as we walked in.
When I saw it, however, I was floored by his level of talent. His improvised rap skills are incredible and I was blown away by the quality of the rap he created using words the audience had written down on pieces of paper we were handed as we walked in.
I watched his Yorkshire Tea advert a couple of days after I saw the show and I was stunned.
This show is different from Tom's and some of the others Racing Minds are doing as it doesn't involve sketches. What it does involve is amazing stand-up and a rap by one of the best rappers I've ever witnessed (I am not a fan of rap but I could listen to his all day).
This show is different from Tom's and some of the others Racing Minds are doing as it doesn't involve sketches. What it does involve is amazing stand-up and a rap by one of the best rappers I've ever witnessed (I am not a fan of rap but I could listen to his all day).
Aaaand now for some shows that had nothing to do with Racing Minds (I know, I can't believe I saw anything else either)...
The Improv Musical
I saw this a couple of days after seeing the Racing Minds show and I wasn't sure if its layout would be similar or not.
In a way, it was as the audience were asked for characters' names and places but this time we had to vote.
The host of the show was incredible. He didn't get to be involved with the show too much but he played the drums a little on his seat thing (cannot remember what he was sitting on but it was rectangular and black).
As for the show itself, the characters chosen by the audience had to follow the plot of whatever we'd chosen and create a musical about it.
The songs were almost as good as Chris' improvised raps and I couldn't stop laughing at Mr Bean.
In a way, it was as the audience were asked for characters' names and places but this time we had to vote.
The host of the show was incredible. He didn't get to be involved with the show too much but he played the drums a little on his seat thing (cannot remember what he was sitting on but it was rectangular and black).
As for the show itself, the characters chosen by the audience had to follow the plot of whatever we'd chosen and create a musical about it.
The songs were almost as good as Chris' improvised raps and I couldn't stop laughing at Mr Bean.
I might have to see it next year.
2 Become 1
I'd heard lots of good things and booked this for a day I knew would be a little difficult for me personally speaking.
After seeing Racing Minds for the last time (I'm still heartbroken), I was even more excited to see this.
After seeing Racing Minds for the last time (I'm still heartbroken), I was even more excited to see this.
2 Become 1 centres around Jess who's recently had her heart broken by her perfect man (Me in December definitely cannot relate whatsoever...) so her friends decide to take her speed dating.
Oddly enough, this is not a perfect solution but the 90's hits they sing throughout the show and the audience participation when Mandy pulls a man onstage as her date leaves you laughing continuously.
They got a standing ovation and I hope they come back next year!
I haven't listed all of the shows I went to this year but these were my favourites.
I didn't meant to do a sort of '5 Best Things To See At The Fringe' thing but it's happened all on its own (Except I listed 6 things instead of 5 - Yup, I can count).
I didn't meant to do a sort of '5 Best Things To See At The Fringe' thing but it's happened all on its own (Except I listed 6 things instead of 5 - Yup, I can count).
This August has been pretty great compared to last year's whirlwind of heartbreak and new love. I wonder what next year will bring! Happy Fringing!
Jess
Jess
xoxo
Friday, 5 May 2017
Here's To Heartbreak: Moving On
Mental Health Awareness Month seems like the perfect time to get back to regular writing so let's get stuck in.
One year ago today, Oscar died. He was mine and nanny's cat for three years but he'll remain in my heart forever.
Losing him so suddenly and stroking his head while he passed away hit me hard. I didn't know how I was ever going to manage without him.
The night before he died was spent crying and telling him I loved him.
I actually slept on nanny's bed, the little I did sleep anyway.
She and I talked for hours about loss and death and how to hold on even when you feel like your whole world is crashing down around you.
Little did I know this conversation would come to haunt me just three months later.
In August, nanny passed away,
The night before she died was spent with her only this time I didn't get to sleep at the end of her bed.
I told her she could move on, gave her permission to as I knew she would never leave me willingly or if she thought I couldn't cope.
So, I promised her I would.
I would be okay. I would miss her every single moment for the rest of my life but I would love her eternally nonetheless.
In December, my first love left me.
Heartbreak hit me harder than both of those things combined.
There's a vast difference to being left through death and being left by choice.
The days and weeks after that were spent crying myself to sleep (when I got any at all), drinking every day (for a week, I didn't enjoy that), looking sad in all the nicest places (Yes, that's a Taylor Swift reference) and wondering how I was going to be able to live through this incredible amount of pain I felt constantly.
In time, I started to be able to breathe again.
And I am so grateful for that.
I feel like heartbreak forces you to rediscover yourself, maybe even more so than the death of a loved one can.
Everyone's experiences are different but, to me, losing the woman who raised me forced me to become stronger without her while embracing this new partnership I had discovered. When I first dealt with heartbreak, I had to figure out who I was without him - and without nanny.
Heartbreak has forced me to be even stronger than I was before and I am still embracing this brand new version of myself.
It's been horrible, painful, confusing and so incredibly exciting.
The biggest turning point with heartbreak, however, is when you finally learn the difference between missing him and missing the way you felt with him.
That takes time and I still think of him with kindness in my heart because I'm choosing to remember the man he was with me and not the person he has turned into now.
If I focused on the latter, I'd never move on.
It's also important to remember that you are not what he says about you or who he decides you are after the breakup.
That took me a long time to realise but his opinion cannot stay the most important in my life and it hasn't.
Heartbreak hit me at a time when I was vulnerable and already felt extremely alone. Losing him then hit me the hardest because I had no safe place to go to and no family (other than close friends) that could comfort me.
But my own opinion has become more and more important in the months since.
He can say what he likes about me but I will never say anything horrible about his character because who he is now isn't important to me.
I can only wish him the best in life.
If he can't do the same for me, that's his choice.
And if he can't choose to remember how hard I tried to be good enough for him and the most loving parts of our relationship, that's his choice too.
I am no longer the person I was when I was with him and I never will be again but that's not a bad thing. I read that heartbreak changes you dramatically and I didn't quite understand that until it happened.
I am stronger without him than I ever was with him. I have a better and more balanced opinion of myself now and I want so many things I didn't even consider with him.
I still love a good Taylor Swift song though.
Depression is a dark word but it shouldn't be.
I've had it on and off since I was 16 and I understand how badly it can affect people but it does so in many different ways - so much so that no two people ever deal with it in entirely the same way.
My first experience of it was rough. I gained weight, lost interest in everything and basically turned into a recluse.
My most recent experience of it was my first without nanny and without a home to go to and that was completely different.
I now deal with it by working as much as possible and talking it through with my closest friends.
I can't handle it on my own anymore.
This Mental Health Awareness Month, we need to focus on being kinder to people. Who knows what's happened in their life?
We also need to learn to be more tolerant of those struggling with mental health issues.
It's not funny, it is just as serious (if not more sometimes) and just as debilitating as a physical ailment as well as being just as dangerous.
We need to try and help those in pain and we should never laugh it off or assume they're 'just sad'.
This post was about the three worst experiences of my life and they all happened within the same year. I am currently typing this wondering how I survived right now. But I won't go into that.
'13 Reasons Why' tells the story of a girl who killed herself and left 13 reasons as to why she did it.
Not all of them were big things, most of them happened to cause a chain of reactions which broke her down piece by piece until it became too much to bear.
Because of this, I believe it was a great eye opener for people who maybe don't understand mental illness as much and maybe do some of the things she had done to her.
We don't always think and it's not always dangerous but it can be.
Our actions have consequences.
So, this month and every month, I hope you start to consider your actions a little more and maybe even try to be kind to that one person at school or work or wherever that you see who looks like they may be struggling a little.
And, if you're struggling personally, please reach out to someone. Help is out there. You may have to go searching but talking to someone helps so much.
As Cinderella says, 'Kindness is free, love is free.'
Jessica
One year ago today, Oscar died. He was mine and nanny's cat for three years but he'll remain in my heart forever.
Losing him so suddenly and stroking his head while he passed away hit me hard. I didn't know how I was ever going to manage without him.
The night before he died was spent crying and telling him I loved him.
I actually slept on nanny's bed, the little I did sleep anyway.
She and I talked for hours about loss and death and how to hold on even when you feel like your whole world is crashing down around you.
Little did I know this conversation would come to haunt me just three months later.
In August, nanny passed away,
The night before she died was spent with her only this time I didn't get to sleep at the end of her bed.
I told her she could move on, gave her permission to as I knew she would never leave me willingly or if she thought I couldn't cope.
So, I promised her I would.
I would be okay. I would miss her every single moment for the rest of my life but I would love her eternally nonetheless.
In December, my first love left me.
Heartbreak hit me harder than both of those things combined.
There's a vast difference to being left through death and being left by choice.
The days and weeks after that were spent crying myself to sleep (when I got any at all), drinking every day (for a week, I didn't enjoy that), looking sad in all the nicest places (Yes, that's a Taylor Swift reference) and wondering how I was going to be able to live through this incredible amount of pain I felt constantly.
In time, I started to be able to breathe again.
And I am so grateful for that.
I feel like heartbreak forces you to rediscover yourself, maybe even more so than the death of a loved one can.
Everyone's experiences are different but, to me, losing the woman who raised me forced me to become stronger without her while embracing this new partnership I had discovered. When I first dealt with heartbreak, I had to figure out who I was without him - and without nanny.
Heartbreak has forced me to be even stronger than I was before and I am still embracing this brand new version of myself.
It's been horrible, painful, confusing and so incredibly exciting.
The biggest turning point with heartbreak, however, is when you finally learn the difference between missing him and missing the way you felt with him.
That takes time and I still think of him with kindness in my heart because I'm choosing to remember the man he was with me and not the person he has turned into now.
If I focused on the latter, I'd never move on.
It's also important to remember that you are not what he says about you or who he decides you are after the breakup.
That took me a long time to realise but his opinion cannot stay the most important in my life and it hasn't.
Heartbreak hit me at a time when I was vulnerable and already felt extremely alone. Losing him then hit me the hardest because I had no safe place to go to and no family (other than close friends) that could comfort me.
But my own opinion has become more and more important in the months since.
He can say what he likes about me but I will never say anything horrible about his character because who he is now isn't important to me.
I can only wish him the best in life.
If he can't do the same for me, that's his choice.
And if he can't choose to remember how hard I tried to be good enough for him and the most loving parts of our relationship, that's his choice too.
I am no longer the person I was when I was with him and I never will be again but that's not a bad thing. I read that heartbreak changes you dramatically and I didn't quite understand that until it happened.
I am stronger without him than I ever was with him. I have a better and more balanced opinion of myself now and I want so many things I didn't even consider with him.
I still love a good Taylor Swift song though.
Depression is a dark word but it shouldn't be.
I've had it on and off since I was 16 and I understand how badly it can affect people but it does so in many different ways - so much so that no two people ever deal with it in entirely the same way.
My first experience of it was rough. I gained weight, lost interest in everything and basically turned into a recluse.
My most recent experience of it was my first without nanny and without a home to go to and that was completely different.
I now deal with it by working as much as possible and talking it through with my closest friends.
I can't handle it on my own anymore.
This Mental Health Awareness Month, we need to focus on being kinder to people. Who knows what's happened in their life?
We also need to learn to be more tolerant of those struggling with mental health issues.
It's not funny, it is just as serious (if not more sometimes) and just as debilitating as a physical ailment as well as being just as dangerous.
We need to try and help those in pain and we should never laugh it off or assume they're 'just sad'.
This post was about the three worst experiences of my life and they all happened within the same year. I am currently typing this wondering how I survived right now. But I won't go into that.
'13 Reasons Why' tells the story of a girl who killed herself and left 13 reasons as to why she did it.
Not all of them were big things, most of them happened to cause a chain of reactions which broke her down piece by piece until it became too much to bear.
Because of this, I believe it was a great eye opener for people who maybe don't understand mental illness as much and maybe do some of the things she had done to her.
We don't always think and it's not always dangerous but it can be.
Our actions have consequences.
So, this month and every month, I hope you start to consider your actions a little more and maybe even try to be kind to that one person at school or work or wherever that you see who looks like they may be struggling a little.
And, if you're struggling personally, please reach out to someone. Help is out there. You may have to go searching but talking to someone helps so much.
As Cinderella says, 'Kindness is free, love is free.'
Jessica
Monday, 18 April 2016
Frenemies
This morning on the British version of 'The Talk', 'Loose Women', one of their topics was on whether or not friendship breakups are equal to breakups with a partner.
I haven't experienced a breakup upsetting enough to equate the loss of a friendship but I definitely think a friendship breakup is on the same level as some relationships.
As Nadia Sawalha said on 'Loose Women' today, we fall in love with friends in certain ways.
We get to know these people and connect over similar interests and we end up seeing them as much as we're able to.
You bond with your friend, telling secrets, getting life/love advice from them, consoling and being consoled by them...
Friendships are incredibly important relationships in our lives as we learn from these people and grow with them.
The friendships you have in life end up defining you.
But you shouldn't keep friends in your life out of some sense of duty.
I have one friend from primary school that I'm still in touch with. 16 years later and we're still as close as ever. She's lived twenty minutes away from me my whole life and, although we've gone down different paths, she still makes me feel just as important and included as she did when we saw each other every day in school.
We've had hiccups though.
We went to different high schools for a few weeks and I worried we'd stop being friends altogether.
The phone calls grew less and less frequent and we both made new friends.
We worked through it though.
She came to my high school in the end and, even though I had a new best friend (an amazing, fun, bubbly, kind and driven girl I automatically idolized), we stayed close.
She's the only person I've been on holiday with and we have so many memories together that life without her just isn't conceivable.
My high school best friend is a regret.
Not because I regret our friendship but I ended up being really naive and stupid and we said things out of anger which caused the ending of one of the most important friendships of my life.
Our other friend, who I also lost, was someone I ended up talking things through with after a few months and we were able to work it out and she's one of my favourite people in the world. She's funny, sarcastic, talented and absolutely incredible.
I'm glad we saved our friendship but I hate how I lost them both at that time.
My best friend in high school is someone I still admire and respect. I see her, from time to time, and we catch up like old friends. I'm so incredibly grateful for that. I didn't lose her completely, even after my mistake.
But it'll never be like it used to be and I have to accept that.
Losing two friends at once, although it was through my own idiocy, was awful.
I got really low, didn't want to leave the house or talk to anyone and gained weight (I went up two dress sizes). It was awful.
Definitely as painful as a breakup.
Since then, the main friendship I've lost is the girl from nursery.
With that, the break wasn't sudden and it wasn't my fault so I don't carry any guilt from that as I know I tried everything I could to save it.
It still hurt though, despite her phasing me out over time.
I used to love how different we were and how close we were. I could tell her anything and our families had known each other for years. We experienced so much together, all for her to decide I wasn't worth her friendship 17 years later.
But losing a friend you've had for almost 20 years isn't, necessarily, a bad thing.
I'm talking about it broadly and not just my experience.
You grow as you get older; emotionally and spiritually.
You're not always going to have the same friends you've had since you were five years old because things change.
People change, move, gain new experiences and new friends...
Circumstance is a funny thing.
Once you leave school or a job or a city, you find out the people who you were only friends with because you saw them every day.
The people you meet along the road are going to shape you and your experiences in life will mean you might not have room for people you no longer share anything in common with and that's okay.
But it's important not to keep toxic people in your life ('frenemies') as they'll only hold you back from your dreams and goals.
That's all from me!
Jessica
xoxo
I haven't experienced a breakup upsetting enough to equate the loss of a friendship but I definitely think a friendship breakup is on the same level as some relationships.
As Nadia Sawalha said on 'Loose Women' today, we fall in love with friends in certain ways.
We get to know these people and connect over similar interests and we end up seeing them as much as we're able to.
You bond with your friend, telling secrets, getting life/love advice from them, consoling and being consoled by them...
Friendships are incredibly important relationships in our lives as we learn from these people and grow with them.
The friendships you have in life end up defining you.
But you shouldn't keep friends in your life out of some sense of duty.
I have one friend from primary school that I'm still in touch with. 16 years later and we're still as close as ever. She's lived twenty minutes away from me my whole life and, although we've gone down different paths, she still makes me feel just as important and included as she did when we saw each other every day in school.
We've had hiccups though.
We went to different high schools for a few weeks and I worried we'd stop being friends altogether.
The phone calls grew less and less frequent and we both made new friends.
We worked through it though.
She came to my high school in the end and, even though I had a new best friend (an amazing, fun, bubbly, kind and driven girl I automatically idolized), we stayed close.
She's the only person I've been on holiday with and we have so many memories together that life without her just isn't conceivable.
My high school best friend is a regret.
Not because I regret our friendship but I ended up being really naive and stupid and we said things out of anger which caused the ending of one of the most important friendships of my life.
Our other friend, who I also lost, was someone I ended up talking things through with after a few months and we were able to work it out and she's one of my favourite people in the world. She's funny, sarcastic, talented and absolutely incredible.
I'm glad we saved our friendship but I hate how I lost them both at that time.
My best friend in high school is someone I still admire and respect. I see her, from time to time, and we catch up like old friends. I'm so incredibly grateful for that. I didn't lose her completely, even after my mistake.
But it'll never be like it used to be and I have to accept that.
Losing two friends at once, although it was through my own idiocy, was awful.
I got really low, didn't want to leave the house or talk to anyone and gained weight (I went up two dress sizes). It was awful.
Definitely as painful as a breakup.
Since then, the main friendship I've lost is the girl from nursery.
With that, the break wasn't sudden and it wasn't my fault so I don't carry any guilt from that as I know I tried everything I could to save it.
It still hurt though, despite her phasing me out over time.
I used to love how different we were and how close we were. I could tell her anything and our families had known each other for years. We experienced so much together, all for her to decide I wasn't worth her friendship 17 years later.
But losing a friend you've had for almost 20 years isn't, necessarily, a bad thing.
I'm talking about it broadly and not just my experience.
You grow as you get older; emotionally and spiritually.
You're not always going to have the same friends you've had since you were five years old because things change.
People change, move, gain new experiences and new friends...
Circumstance is a funny thing.
Once you leave school or a job or a city, you find out the people who you were only friends with because you saw them every day.
The people you meet along the road are going to shape you and your experiences in life will mean you might not have room for people you no longer share anything in common with and that's okay.
But it's important not to keep toxic people in your life ('frenemies') as they'll only hold you back from your dreams and goals.
That's all from me!
Jessica
xoxo
Saturday, 19 March 2016
The Hardest Word
No, I'm not talking about 'sorry'; I'm talking about 'goodbye'.
It's such a final word, you know?
It's an ending, a word that doesn't offer an opening. It's closing a door that will never be opened again.
At least, it is for me.
I'm an endless trier though. Giving up on friendships, especially, isn't something I take lightly.
Unfortunately, it can't be prevented if the other person in the friendship stops trying.
For any relationship to work, it takes both people to be active participants. Both of you talk, text, tweet, share stories, meet up, etcetera. Even if it's just a few times a month.
I, for example, have two friends who live abroad and we Skype every few weeks and talk on Facebook a few times a month. Sometimes, it isn't more than once in a month because it depends on our schedules but they're still two of my closest friends.
I have another friend who lives in Edinburgh, like me (obviously), and we barely see each other but we both have Snapchat and talk every once in a while. When we see each other though, it's like no time has passed and she's like a sister to me (singing, dancing, acting and CHICKEN forever! (Private joke ;)).
But there goes my point - you can't have a friendship when you don't talk to someone.
One of my best friends and I are going through this right now.
I don't know how it started but our relationship has phased out gradually.
I know it happens but I never expected it to happen to us, you know?
Maybe it was naive of me but I always expected her to be there. We were going to dance at each other's weddings and tell embarrassing stories about each other to our spouses and children.
So I'm left with a burning question: Where did we go wrong?
As I said before, relationships take commitment. You both have to make an effort for it to work and, if you're not talking to each other at all, it's not going to last.
We, gradually, stopped talking to each other late last year and it's just never been the same. We did talk. In November. We had a good conversation on Facebook and we even had a night out together when our mutual friend couldn't make it at the last minute.
It was good to spend time with her. I was particularly fragile after having a hard month due to something I wrote about previously so I enjoyed the chance to let my hair down (metaphorically. It's always down) and have fun. I even met a guy who knew people I went to school with who was really interesting on my way home. It was a good night.
Afterwards though...
I don't know. We went weeks without talking until we exchanged messages over Christmas. She apologised for not talking to me more and I was just thrilled to hear from her. I mentioned seeing her at my birthday but she never replied.
Then we saw each other at New Year. I had no idea we would be getting together but our friend suggested we all went out so we did.
I didn't talk to her until that night and, while we were out, it was like nothing had changed.
But I felt a shift.
My birthday was mentioned and she had no idea anything was happening, despite it being on Facebook and me mentioning it previously.
I mean, my friend who lives in Edinburgh and who I barely talk to but love unconditionally kept my birthday free in case I was doing something - despite nothing being planned at first.
(She ended up taking me out for a delicious dinner on my birthday and it was perfect and sweet and I had a great day)
Maybe it was accidental but I didn't keep my hopes up for seeing her.
On my birthday, my friend and I both got the same message. She'd been asked to work later than originally planned and wouldn't be able to make it.
I'll admit that I felt cheated. I used to visit her all the time when she first moved and we've grown up together. 17 years and now we never talk... It doesn't seem fair and I didn't understand why she couldn't have told her boss she couldn't work later because it was her friends' birthday. The screenshot of her phone showed she was asked - it wasn't a demand.
I'm not saying everyone can get out of shifts but not trying at all made me feel like I didn't mean anything to her.
I let it go and enjoyed my time with the friends who could make it but it felt like an extra step in the path towards the end of our friendship.
I never replied to her Facebook messages after that and she never made any efforts to talk to me so I let it go.
Until my best friend told me she hadn't shown up to said best friend's birthday a few days earlier because she 'hadn't talked to me in a while, didn't know anyone going and didn't want it to be awkward'.
I have several issues with this:
I'm writing this post at 10PM on Friday night. If she hasn't responded by this time tomorrow, I'm going to post it with the ending to that story.
I hope she does and that we can work through our issues but, if she doesn't, I'm glad I can say that I did everything I possibly could to try and mend our broken friendship.
Jessica
xoxo
Saturday, 11:19pm
Well, it's been 25 hours and she hasn't read the message.
A year ago, I probably would have suggested she hadn't seen it or had been busy or something but... Messenger tells me she was active four hours ago.
Three days, two phone calls, one important message.
The hardest part of all of this is knowing that I couldn't save us. She ruined this. I tried and never gave up but I, obviously, don't mean as much to her as she once meant to me.
I'm not trying to play the Blame Game here.
I'm not angry at her.
It's just upsetting.
I think I've said before that friendships ending can often be like relationships ending. You spend time with this person, growing together, learning each other and making memories. All for it to be over so quickly that you need a minute to process what's happened.
So it comes back to that word.
This is all I have to say to her now:
Goodbye. Thank you for 17 years of friendship. I'm sorry I couldn't save us but I hope you find happiness with whatever you do in life.
But I'm done. I can't keep playing this game with you where I pretend we're fine and you haven't hurt me and you refuse to tell me why you decided I wasn't someone you wanted in your life after almost 20 years.
I once told you that the only reason I would give up on a person completely were if we didn't love each other anymore.
You don't ignore people you love.
I've made mistakes in friendships. I've hurt people and I'm not trying to say I'm perfect with this post.
One thing I will say about those times though is that I was younger and foolish. I learnt from my mistakes and I tried really hard not to give up on you.
What I didn't realise though, is that you'd already given up on me.
So have a great life. I truly mean that.
Goodbye, for the last time.
Jessica.
It's such a final word, you know?
It's an ending, a word that doesn't offer an opening. It's closing a door that will never be opened again.
At least, it is for me.
I'm an endless trier though. Giving up on friendships, especially, isn't something I take lightly.
Unfortunately, it can't be prevented if the other person in the friendship stops trying.
For any relationship to work, it takes both people to be active participants. Both of you talk, text, tweet, share stories, meet up, etcetera. Even if it's just a few times a month.
I, for example, have two friends who live abroad and we Skype every few weeks and talk on Facebook a few times a month. Sometimes, it isn't more than once in a month because it depends on our schedules but they're still two of my closest friends.
I have another friend who lives in Edinburgh, like me (obviously), and we barely see each other but we both have Snapchat and talk every once in a while. When we see each other though, it's like no time has passed and she's like a sister to me (singing, dancing, acting and CHICKEN forever! (Private joke ;)).
But there goes my point - you can't have a friendship when you don't talk to someone.
One of my best friends and I are going through this right now.
I don't know how it started but our relationship has phased out gradually.
I know it happens but I never expected it to happen to us, you know?
Maybe it was naive of me but I always expected her to be there. We were going to dance at each other's weddings and tell embarrassing stories about each other to our spouses and children.
So I'm left with a burning question: Where did we go wrong?
As I said before, relationships take commitment. You both have to make an effort for it to work and, if you're not talking to each other at all, it's not going to last.
We, gradually, stopped talking to each other late last year and it's just never been the same. We did talk. In November. We had a good conversation on Facebook and we even had a night out together when our mutual friend couldn't make it at the last minute.
It was good to spend time with her. I was particularly fragile after having a hard month due to something I wrote about previously so I enjoyed the chance to let my hair down (metaphorically. It's always down) and have fun. I even met a guy who knew people I went to school with who was really interesting on my way home. It was a good night.
Afterwards though...
I don't know. We went weeks without talking until we exchanged messages over Christmas. She apologised for not talking to me more and I was just thrilled to hear from her. I mentioned seeing her at my birthday but she never replied.
Then we saw each other at New Year. I had no idea we would be getting together but our friend suggested we all went out so we did.
I didn't talk to her until that night and, while we were out, it was like nothing had changed.
But I felt a shift.
My birthday was mentioned and she had no idea anything was happening, despite it being on Facebook and me mentioning it previously.
I mean, my friend who lives in Edinburgh and who I barely talk to but love unconditionally kept my birthday free in case I was doing something - despite nothing being planned at first.
(She ended up taking me out for a delicious dinner on my birthday and it was perfect and sweet and I had a great day)
Maybe it was accidental but I didn't keep my hopes up for seeing her.
On my birthday, my friend and I both got the same message. She'd been asked to work later than originally planned and wouldn't be able to make it.
I'll admit that I felt cheated. I used to visit her all the time when she first moved and we've grown up together. 17 years and now we never talk... It doesn't seem fair and I didn't understand why she couldn't have told her boss she couldn't work later because it was her friends' birthday. The screenshot of her phone showed she was asked - it wasn't a demand.
I'm not saying everyone can get out of shifts but not trying at all made me feel like I didn't mean anything to her.
I let it go and enjoyed my time with the friends who could make it but it felt like an extra step in the path towards the end of our friendship.
I never replied to her Facebook messages after that and she never made any efforts to talk to me so I let it go.
Until my best friend told me she hadn't shown up to said best friend's birthday a few days earlier because she 'hadn't talked to me in a while, didn't know anyone going and didn't want it to be awkward'.
I have several issues with this:
- It wasn't about her, it was for our best friend and you go regardless
- She knows me better than to think I would be anything but kind and friendly to her
- She told our friend she would be there an hour before the party so deciding not to come in the end without telling her wasn't very nice
I don't know if it sounds petty but it felt like a pretty lame excuse. If you can't come, don't come but don't blame someone else for something when you know they're not like you're insinuating.
Anyway, it made me miss her. So I called her at 1AM after seeing Jedward (they were awesome) at midnight on Wednesday/Thursday. She didn't answer but I wasn't surprised because most people are sleeping at that time of the morning on a weeknight but I called her the next day and there was nothing either. I decided to send her a message asking her to call me when she could. I even added a happy emoji to show her it wasn't anything bad.
So I waited a day and there was no response - despite Messenger saying she'd been online a lot.
After waiting a day, I sent her a follow-up message:
So I waited a day and there was no response - despite Messenger saying she'd been online a lot.
After waiting a day, I sent her a follow-up message:
"Okay... Well, it keeps saying you're active but you never reply so here goes. I've known you all my life. Literally. 17 years is more than three quarters of it. I love you. I miss you. And I hate that we don't talk anymore. I don't know how or why it happened but it's been less and less and I hate it. You're family and I love you so much. I'm sorry I didn't reply after my birthday. I was upset you didn't come and I missed you and then it was days that I hadn't replied and... It spiraled. I miss the fact you're so incredibly Scottish and proud and how you have a different opinion to me on most things. I miss hearing about what you're up to and I hate the fact that I couldn't tell you anything you've been up to in these last few months and you couldn't tell me the same about me. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy and living your best life. This is the hard part though because we have two choices. We can either fix our communication problems and be friends or we can keep not-talking and move on from this friendship.I'm not saying that like I want us to never speak again but it's the unfortunate reality. Just know that you're always going to mean something to me and I love you no matter what happens. But you can't be friends with someone you don't talk to. All my love and good wishes, Jess xoxo"That's it. That's the full message.
I'm writing this post at 10PM on Friday night. If she hasn't responded by this time tomorrow, I'm going to post it with the ending to that story.
I hope she does and that we can work through our issues but, if she doesn't, I'm glad I can say that I did everything I possibly could to try and mend our broken friendship.
Jessica
xoxo
Saturday, 11:19pm
Well, it's been 25 hours and she hasn't read the message.
A year ago, I probably would have suggested she hadn't seen it or had been busy or something but... Messenger tells me she was active four hours ago.
Three days, two phone calls, one important message.
The hardest part of all of this is knowing that I couldn't save us. She ruined this. I tried and never gave up but I, obviously, don't mean as much to her as she once meant to me.
I'm not trying to play the Blame Game here.
I'm not angry at her.
It's just upsetting.
I think I've said before that friendships ending can often be like relationships ending. You spend time with this person, growing together, learning each other and making memories. All for it to be over so quickly that you need a minute to process what's happened.
So it comes back to that word.
This is all I have to say to her now:
Goodbye. Thank you for 17 years of friendship. I'm sorry I couldn't save us but I hope you find happiness with whatever you do in life.
But I'm done. I can't keep playing this game with you where I pretend we're fine and you haven't hurt me and you refuse to tell me why you decided I wasn't someone you wanted in your life after almost 20 years.
I once told you that the only reason I would give up on a person completely were if we didn't love each other anymore.
You don't ignore people you love.
I've made mistakes in friendships. I've hurt people and I'm not trying to say I'm perfect with this post.
One thing I will say about those times though is that I was younger and foolish. I learnt from my mistakes and I tried really hard not to give up on you.
What I didn't realise though, is that you'd already given up on me.
So have a great life. I truly mean that.
Goodbye, for the last time.
Jessica.
Friday, 4 March 2016
Closure
In life, sometimes, you have to bite the metaphorical bullet and do the hard thing. The one you've been putting off for so long that you can no longer remember all of the reasons you didn't do it right away in the first place.
I put my skeletons in the closet for so long that they ended up leaning against the doors and spilling out - all at once.
I got a message, on Wednesday, from the friend's roommate (the one I almost had a thing with that got back with his ex). He suggested we meet up and talk and we arranged a time for the next day.
My best friend had told him how I was feeling.
At the time, I was upset. I was annoyed that she'd told the one person I didn't want to know that I was still hurting. I was frustrated that I was being forced to deal with all of my skeletons in a matter of hours - with no hints that it might even be a possibility.
In hindsight, I know it was the right thing to do. She was looking out for me. Both her and one of my other good friends were. I needed closure and this was the only way I could get it.
So I freaked out. When I got home from my friend's house on Wednesday, I wrote a list of things to say while on the phone to one of my best friends. Then I had an early night.
The next day, I woke up unable to speak - perfect day for my laryngitis to get worse! - but I headed to work anyway.
He showed up early and bearing paracetamol - my hero - and we headed to the same place I'd spilled my guts to my friend from school the very day he told me he was getting back with his ex. In my mind, it was perfect symmetry.
After ordering tea and a smoothie - very sweet - and glossing over small talk, we finally got down to it. He apologised, I said what I needed to say and the defining part of his apology was this:
'Why didn't you come to me to talk about how you were feeling?'
My answer was pretty simple. I never felt like I could. At first, talking to him hurt too much and then it became the fact that months had gone by and I truly thought I was doing better. Until I knew I was going to have to see him and his girlfriend, I was doing okay.
But heartbreak is a funny thing. So very unpredictable. It never acts in accordance to what you want it to; it follows its own rules.
It did help though. The talking. He left every decision up to me and I agreed that I should have come to him a long time ago. My final decision about how to move forward was that we should be friends. What else could I say? 'Na. I'd rather we never talked again. Let's ignore the fact that you're gonna be living with my best friend for the next year and a half'?
I'm sure that would've went down wonderfully well.
But it was a good choice, you know?
It was the best decision. I do like him. Maybe not in the original way anymore but definitely as a potential friend.
I am not one for staying in contact with exes but he wasn't an ex. And I'm going to see him for the next year anyway. I may as well make the best out of a bad situation.
It was a good day actually.
We did idle errand running and then he dropped me off at home.
After a few hours of failed songwriting, I met one of my favorite friends for dinner. Before I went home and fell asleep before eleven for the second night in a row.
I may have turned 40 this year instead of 20.
I woke up this morning feeling good.
Not sad or restless or unsettled.
Just... Numb.
But in a good way!
A lot of the time, the word 'numb' is used to describe the feeling of nothingness. Of total and complete emptiness.
This wasn't like that.
It was more that I've had these feelings of unease and confusion and upset for so long that I don't know how to be without them yet.
It's something I would definitely suggest though.
With friendships, relationships, mutual almosts...
If you have to continue seeing the person after the initial 'break', talking things through with them is an excellent idea.
Now I'm not suggesting you do this the day after or anything - that would be insane.
A few weeks, months afterwards? Yes. Definitely.
I have been struggling with all these unanswered questions and frustrations for months and I cracked last week. It was horrible.
And waking up feeling refreshed this morning? It felt pretty good.
The healing process isn't over but it's moving forward and I am lucky enough to have incredible women - and men! - in my life who make every day of my life a little better.
You can't count every injustice in your world.
Instead, you have to live for every blessing - even when it seems impossible and that there aren't any blessings.
For me, I have amazing friends who love and care about me and who truly want me to be happy.
That is my happy place.
Those people are where my heart rests.
Until next time,
xoxo
Jessica
(Gossip Girl reference because I miss that blessing of a show)
Thursday, 25 February 2016
'Sometimes You've Got To Cry A Little To Be Able To Smile A Lot'
Tonight, I did something I swore I'd never do; I cried over the last - and only - boy to ever break my heart.
The reasons I promised myself I wouldn't cry over him were simple:
- I always knew he was still in love with his ex and the probability of us ever actually becoming anything were slim
- Crying over a boy is not something confident, self-sufficient, strong women do (Yeah, that's utter bullshit)
- We never actually dated
The first one is number one on the list because it was the thing all my friends pointed out to me when I was gushing over his adorable texts that would make me grin from ear to ear whenever I got one. I knew this but some things are easy to look past when you're hopeful and it's the first guy to make your heart flutter.
Number two on my list of reasons has more to do with my feelings about myself and the standards I set. I've been through a lot in my short-ish life. It's enough to know that crying over a guy I'd only properly known for a couple of months is low on the scale of 'Bad Things That Have Happened To Me'. The way I look back on all these bad moments now is that, while I'm not glad they happened, I'm grateful for the fact that they made me stronger. I am extremely strong minded and I rarely break when things get tough - it takes a lot. So this wasn't really an assumption or pressure on women as a whole - it was about me.
My last reason is the one that stands out for me. How can someone you never dated break your heart?
Now, here's where it gets complicated.
We met and flirted and I knew about his ex. After a few weeks, we kissed and we talked everything through the next night. We agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship.
That's something I'm proud of by the way. Talking it through was mature and, regardless of the outcome, communication is always key.
My friends told me not to trust this and to be careful and I... I heard them but I didn't really listen. I trusted my heart. He was the first man who'd ever made me feel special and wanted and like I was worth more than my own opinion of me. And that? That is everything to a girl who's never had that before.
I let him into my heart and he made me laugh and smile and we connected.
And still, we communicated about where this was/wasn't going.
But him being in love with his ex gets complicated when he's flirting with you and telling you everything you want to hear. That's where I got lost.
And so I began to fall for something that could happen. We had potential. Like-minded people with different interests but common ones too. He gave me hope for something that never happened.
But then the ball dropped. The chandelier fell right on top of me. The balloon popped. The glass smashed. Whatever you want to call it, it happened.
We'd been flirting semi-consistently every week for about two months. In three days, I went from 'hopeful and happy' to 'confused and crushed'. I had no idea they'd still been talking all this time and then he said he wanted to get back together with her and... Yeah.
Number two on my list of reasons has more to do with my feelings about myself and the standards I set. I've been through a lot in my short-ish life. It's enough to know that crying over a guy I'd only properly known for a couple of months is low on the scale of 'Bad Things That Have Happened To Me'. The way I look back on all these bad moments now is that, while I'm not glad they happened, I'm grateful for the fact that they made me stronger. I am extremely strong minded and I rarely break when things get tough - it takes a lot. So this wasn't really an assumption or pressure on women as a whole - it was about me.
My last reason is the one that stands out for me. How can someone you never dated break your heart?
Now, here's where it gets complicated.
We met and flirted and I knew about his ex. After a few weeks, we kissed and we talked everything through the next night. We agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship.
That's something I'm proud of by the way. Talking it through was mature and, regardless of the outcome, communication is always key.
My friends told me not to trust this and to be careful and I... I heard them but I didn't really listen. I trusted my heart. He was the first man who'd ever made me feel special and wanted and like I was worth more than my own opinion of me. And that? That is everything to a girl who's never had that before.
I let him into my heart and he made me laugh and smile and we connected.
And still, we communicated about where this was/wasn't going.
But him being in love with his ex gets complicated when he's flirting with you and telling you everything you want to hear. That's where I got lost.
And so I began to fall for something that could happen. We had potential. Like-minded people with different interests but common ones too. He gave me hope for something that never happened.
But then the ball dropped. The chandelier fell right on top of me. The balloon popped. The glass smashed. Whatever you want to call it, it happened.
We'd been flirting semi-consistently every week for about two months. In three days, I went from 'hopeful and happy' to 'confused and crushed'. I had no idea they'd still been talking all this time and then he said he wanted to get back together with her and... Yeah.
I wrote a good song though.
"Better (Original Song) via Smule
At the end of the day, I was left broken and hurt by this.And I was angry. So angry. At myself for trusting him when all of my friends told me to be careful, at him for flirting with me and making me feel like he wanted me when I don't even know if I believe he ever did.
He doesn't understand either. I still have to see him and, tomorrow, I have to see her too - the ex/current girlfriend. Tomorrow and at my best friend's birthday in two weeks time.
I don't hold any hard feelings towards her. I just pray she feels the same about me...
Otherwise, these next few weeks are going to be even more painful.
The main issue here is that, from his point of view, he never led me on and I never thought anything was going to happen because he always made it clear that he was still in love with her.
He doesn't understand that bringing her to these things and flaunting their perfect relationship in front of me is going to kill me.
So, tonight, when I found out she was coming to my best friend's birthday I cried.
For about fifteen minutes. It just doesn't seem fair though. That I'm the one crying because I take time to mourn things that could've been when he's perfectly happy and blissfully unaware of my pain.
Then again, what in life is fair?
I know I'll look back on this one day and be so grateful nothing ever went further.
I was on the phone to my friend earlier and she said something I'm going to remember for a long time:
'One day, you'll be glad your first heartbreak was a guy you never dated because you can learn from it and know how to cope next time instead of getting in too deep and getting your heart broken by someone you thought loved you'She has a point. While I thought the attraction was mutual and that he actually cared about me, it's better getting your heart broken by a guy you never fell in love with and who you never got to make lots of memories with. I have memories of him and they're mostly fond.
What he'll never understand though is that I don't let guys in. I've been let down by men since I was born and I don't trust men easily. I have two incredible male friends who are brilliant and I adore them. They're fine. But romantically? Nope. It's not something I can do easily.
He was the first man I ever felt like 'This could really go somewhere' and he's going to be the last until I meet someone worthy enough of my trust again.
Unfortunately, this story is continuous. I'll be seeing him and his loved-up girlfriend acting like nothing ever happened in 21 hours.
You can't always run away from your ghosts but, when you're forced to face them, you can always depend on your girlfriends to help. I have several going to my best friend's party and she's going to try and tell him to be a little more sensitive considering how hurt I still am. At least, I'll have backup for that. Tomorrow? I'm not proud of this but I'm planning on looking fabulous and drinking wine to get reasonably drunk. Then I'm going to dance with my best friend and celebrate my other friend.
Life is always going to throw you curve balls. How you react and grow from them is all down to you. You just have to try and make the best choices you can.
Jessica
xoxo
P.S. My current choice is to drink a large cup of Twinings English Breakfast Tea while eating peanuts and watching the latest episode of 'Modern Family'
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