Today, I got up at 5:00AM (After an hour and a half's sleep...) and got dressed and ready to leave the house shortly after six. My mum picked me up and we went to collect my best friend Jane (who said she'd come with me) from her house. After that, we paid £21.80 for return train tickets to Glasgow. When we got there, we got another train to the SECC where the auditions were being held. We were then made to wait for three hours in the cold and pouring rain (my feet were so numb I was worried they'd fall off) while certain TV people did TV stuff (Dermot O'Leery was there). We had to 'Woo' and cheer etcetera along with some 'silent cheering'. It was awful and I was freezing. I get why they did it and I'm not trying to be rude or anything. It was just really cold. We then walked around from the BBC building to the SECC. After that, I waited another three hours (6 hours in total, if you're counting) until my row (somewhere in 'sector' K or something) got called down to audition. By this point, I was tired and desperate to go home.
The audition itself was awful. I got into the little black 'box' type thing and met a lovely man called Barney who looked quite young (mid-twenties maybe?). He was really nice and kind and he had a matching 'Saint Christopher (Patron Saint of Travelling thing on his neck (I wear a silver necklace my mum got me for my 16th birthday with Saint Christopher engraved or whatever into the silver) thingy around his neck. He asked me a few questions and I answered them (couldn't tell you what those questions were or what I answered). After that, he told me to sing. So I did. And that's when everything else went wrong. I sang 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift and it was terrible. I didn't know where to look or what to do with my hands and I looked at him (Barney) a few times because I was panicking about whether or not eye-contact was good whilst singing a song. He stopped me just before I got to the 'And what if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you' bit and said 'I'm sorry but it's a 'no'. I think I said something after that but I don't remember what. I just tried to get out and find Jane. When I did, we left and went back to the train station.
I wasn't surprised as such. Nevertheless, I felt embarrassed and like I wasn't good enough. I know it's ridiculous but I think it's an automatic response to rejection. No matter what I told myself about me not being that bad of a singer, suddenly there was Barney's voice telling me that I wasn't any good. Maybe I was good but just not 'X Factor' good. I don't know. The whole thing's just humiliating. I'm not upset at a 'missed opportunity' or whatever. The rejection isn't nice though and I feel sick and embarrassed whenever I think about it. Yes, it's only been a few hours (seven to be exact) but it's still raw. I was also a little annoyed at the fact that I'd barely slept and that my mum and best friend had gotten up early for absolutely no reason. I felt guilty (still do).
The X Factor is a good show and I'm so happy for everyone who got that precious 'Golden Ticket' to a second audition but I don't think I'll ever audition again. I don't want to feel that embarrassed again and I'm, clearly, not good enough anyway.
Not sure what else to say. That was my X Factor experience. Good luck to everyone who gets through and does well etcetera. I really am happy for them.
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