How is it May already?

Not the catchiest title ever but this blog is just for me which means I am the only one who will judge it later.

I'm in lockdown with my boyfriend at the moment which means I haven't been back to the South of Edinburgh in over a month.

It's been weird.
Lots of ups and downs.

This is both of ours' longest relationship and we'd only been together for 7 months when lockdown happened.

For someone who has avoided a relationship since her last one ended in 2016 and someone who had never had a girlfriend or even dated someone longer than a month and a half, that wasn't long enough to make us ready to move in together.

There have been some challenges...

But I think, overall, we're coping okay.

I'm a key worker within a charity so I'm still going into work most days and he's working from home but going into work is probably one of the only things keeping my sane right now.

It's making things seem more normal than they are.

Of course, I'm still reminded of how odd things actually are in the world at the moment.

For example, I'm off of work today.

I booked this holiday three months ago because it's my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow.

My plans were to stay at my flat the night before (30th April) and to head into town for my hair cut and colour so that I looked nice for his birthday.
On the morning of his birthday, I was going to head to Greggs to get him a Greggs breakfast and a coffee.

Obviously, none of those things are happening at the moment.

Instead, I haven't seen my flat in what feels like forever and my hair is losing its blondness.

I went to Tesco today and had to shop by following arrows and flinching whenever someone got too close.

It's been odd but I think he'll have a good birthday.

All of his presents from his family and I are wrapped and hidden in a cupboard, he's sipping on one of his favourite beers which I ordered from Brewdog especially for his birthday and I'll bake his cake tomorrow while he's on his racing game.

It isn't what I planned but I think it'll be nice.

I ordered some nail polish for myself though because, even though it's something I usually only do at Christmas, I need help with keeping myself happy and entertained.

This is kind of a rambling blog post and I feel like I'm not really saying anything of importance.

Times are hard and strange right now and it makes me uneasy.

A year ago, I was going to beer gardens with the guy I was seeing (A lovely guy who I ended things with because I hated my job and it was making me feel rubbish so I wasn't in a good mental space), I was meeting my best friend for a drink and wandering around Newington.
I was going to work every single day at that job I hated (Honestly, the biggest mistake I ever made was working at Standard Life but it led me to where I am now so I have to accept that at least) and buying a coffee and a croissant from Pret on the way (usually because I needed that one positive thing in the morning to force myself to go into work).

It was so normal but now it seems insane.

My boyfriend is extremely chilled about most things and he's relatively easy to live with.
I'm still paying rent for the flat I haven't been to in almost two months but he's not making me pay bills here so I'm doing all of the housework - something which probably sounds sexist but suits us.

He is also extremely sarcastic - something I've found harder to deal with considering my less positive moods over the last few weeks.

I'm getting used to it though.

And my situation isn't even close to as bad as some people's.

The stories I hear about healthcare workers living in hotels so that they don't risk giving Coronavirus to their families are the worst.

I find myself both wishing I did have a kid and also being incredibly grateful I don't at the moment.
I wish I had a child because I'm broody and it would be amazing to get to have so much time with them at the moment but I'm also grateful I don't have one because I'm a key worker and I wouldn't want to risk anything happening to them.

Everyone's kind of in limbo right now.

You can't make plans to travel because you don't know when you'll be able to.
You can't sit and relax because it'll be over in a few weeks because you don't know if it will be or not.

My best friend's grandad is seriously ill and I can't be with her or give her a hug or hold her hand and be there for her.

I don't even know if she can be there for him in what could be his final days.

I've sent her a 'Hug in a Box'. It's a teddy bear that comes in a box and it will, hopefully, cheer her up a bit.

As a control freak, these uncertain times are stressing me out.

Especially as someone who always tries to have plans because I've been more prone to loneliness since nanny died.

My boyfriend is helping though. Not as much as I'd often like thanks to games but as much as he can.

He'll be 25 tomorrow which seems crazy.

When did I get to be so old? I swear I was 20 yesterday.

He's wonderful though.

Unlike when I dated Hugh all those years ago, I don't know if we'll be together forever and I don't plan as if we will be.

But I love that I get to have him now.

He's so smart and funny and he makes me happy almost as much as he makes me roll my eyes at him.

I wouldn't have it any other way though.

I hope he enjoys his first birthday with a girlfriend and that I can make him feel as special as he makes me feel just by continuing to let me live in his world with him.

I can't say sappy stuff like that to him so I've said it here.

The reason I feel special is because I see how he is with strangers. Not super talkative, polite but reserved... He's very much an introvert.
With me though, he lets some of those walls down a little bit to let me in and although he's sarcastic all of the time, in the rare moments when he's not, I get to see someone no one else does.

I won't say too much more but I love him.

I'm glad he showed me what real love was and, even though I can't tell the future, I'm very glad he's in my present.

I hope everyone's safe and I hope you're okay, Future Jess, when you're reading this years later.

Love,
Jessica
xoxo

Highs, Lows and Inbetweens

Since my last post, things in the world have changed a little bit.

I first heard about the Coronavirus coming from China in early February.
If I'm being completely honest, it wasn't something I was immediately concerned about.

Since then, it has slowly begun taking over the world in its own horrible way and the UK has, officially, been in lockdown since last Monday.

This has come with some surprising challenges.
I know there are a large amount of personal challenges everyone's having to deal with but the main one I'm trying to navigate has to do with my relationship.

Danny (Still not his real name) and I were together when lockdown happened and we've been together for the last week and a half now.

This has been challenging for a number of reasons.

1. Danny and I don't live together. I still have my flat in Newington and he lives in Leith.
2. We are absolutely not used to spending this much time with each other.
3. We needed to have conversations we never would have had to before.

There have been some growing pains.
He's obsessed with playing this game with his friend every night which has caused me to moan at him a couple of times because I've felt like I'm being ignored for a stupid game.
I experienced the loss of a family member recently and that on top of the coronavirus and work has put a large amount of stress on me, which has been difficult to deal with.

We had a conversation about it yesterday to figure out what we should do.
Do we continue living together during this situation even though we're not ready to live with each other?
Do we commit to being apart during lockdown and live in our separate flats for the next few weeks (months?)?

Either option sounds horrible and I know we're lucky to have the choice when lots of people don't but it's still stressful.

If we stay together, will we drive each other nuts because we're both used to having space?
If we're apart for this, will we be miserable?

Ugrh.

Why is there no easy option?

A magical option number three which enables us to go back to seeing each other for half the week?

In reality, our situation is not the worst out there.

We can't see our families, like lots of other people, and we do have each other for the moment.

Whatever happens, we will get through it together - whether we're physically together or not - and that's good enough for me for now.

Taking it day by day is the best we can do.

I hope everyone else out there in similar, worse or better situations is coping as best they can.

That's all we can do really.

Cope as best as we can.

And we will.

Britain has faced different obstacles over the years and we've always managed to get through it.

The amount of kindness I'm seeing from people all over the world, despite the virus, has me remaining hopeful.

Love,
Jessica
xoxo

When Your Boyfriend Isn't Psychic

Just a head's up - this will not be a long post... Hopefully... 

Tonight, I got annoyed at myself. Not my boyfriend (let's call him Danny for the purpose of this post). Myself. 

This happens every now and then. 

I get annoyed at him for all of two seconds and then I stay annoyed at myself for the rest of the night. 

When I'm with him, it's fine because he talks me out of it but, even after speaking to him on the phone, I still feel rubbish. 

I wish things were different.

I wish I didn't have to overthink every little thing. 

I won't go into why I got annoyed. 

Which, I know, will be very frustrating for me when I read this in the future (Trust me, Jess, it wasn't important) but I can't share it because it isn't just my mess to share. 

Danny's involved too. 

It's not his fault I'm like this. 

It is definitely not his fault that I overthink and get upset sometimes when things don't go my way (that's just tonight's example). 

My friend (poor friend who had to sit opposite me while I couldn't eat my pizza because I felt crap) understood what I was getting at but Danny didn't which frustrated me. 

I'd had such a good day as well! Work was good, I was looking into skiing lessons... This just kind of ruined it. 

As soon as Danny made it clear that my plan I had made in my head wasn't going to work out and I wouldn't be able to see him when I'd thought (he didn't even do this in a mean or nasty way), I got frustrated and upset which led to me getting upset with myself. 

When I suggested I stay at mine this weekend instead of the other options, he didn't immediately say no or that I was being ridiculous and of course I should stay at his or whatever which also upset me. 

Then I got upset at him suggesting I just meet him in town because I felt weird doing that. 

You see? 

Do you (Future Jessica) understand why I'm crazy? 

I just needed to write this down because I don't want to talk to anybody when I feel like this and Danny isn't replying to my last texts. 

I really wish I wasn't like this. 

I wish I could be the cool, calm and less worried/overthinking girl that dated that boy who ended up mildly starting a big depression without his knowledge three years ago. 

Danny deserves better than this and I know that which makes me feel even worse, even as I write this. 

I may have taken a second to message him apologising once again... 

Who knows, the apology could make it even more annoying. 

I just... Urgh. 

Over the last three years, I have been constantly working to improve so many aspects of who I am but I hadn't realised this was an issue because I haven't been in a relationship where I care this much. 

What I worry about though is that he could leave me because of this but, if he did, surely that would mean he wasn't the right person for me? 

This is such a mess. 

I'm stopping writing now because I hate myself when I'm like this. 

I just wish I knew of a quick fix. 

I'm trying. 

I am getting better but this is harder to fix when he isn't here and I can't fix that because I'm now not seeing him for two days. 

Who knows. Maybe, the next time I write here, I'll be better with it and I won't be overthinking everything and hating myself for it. 

Harry Styles puts it perfectly in his song 'Falling' when he says: 

'What if I'm someone I don't want around?' 

It'll get easier. 

I just hope he sticks around and manages to find a way to still love me, even when I can't find a single reason to love myself. 

(That was a little too depressing... I'll get over it... I love myself 90% of the time but tonight's just a little tricky) 

Love, 

Jessica

xoxo

P.S. This is an afterthought, more than a P.S but still...
Danny's replied and, of course, he's been perfect. He never lets me feel worse for feeling stupid things and, honestly, he deserves a medal for putting up with my ridiculous self all the time.
I also don't hate myself - that was way too harsh.
I don't like myself very much and I'm annoyed that I've gotten so upset over something so trivial but I don't hate myself.
Life happens and I've come a very long way in the last three years. You can't fix something you didn't realise was a big problem. I'm working on it now and that's what matters.
Maybe Danny will stay and realise that I'm trying really hard.
Maybe he'll leave.
Whatever happens, I have to be okay with me or no one else will ever.
It'll be okay.
But I definitely don't hate myself and I feel bad that this was so depressing.
I just wanted to have one of these times written down because they happen and I ignore it but i can't ignore it if there's evidence and I need to get over it/fix it. 

New Year, Incredibly New Start

Well this will most definitely be less depressing than the last post... 

I'm currently writing this from a train on the way to Newcastle on my way to my hospice induction. 
2020 has been a pretty big year so far. 
I got offered a job that's certainly a step in the right direction towards my dream career in charity and I am now a Supporter Relations Officer for Marie Curie. 
I couldn't be happier. 

While money will still be tight for the next month and I'll still have a long way to go before I'm anywhere close to where I was financially in 2018, I'm moving forward and that's all that matters. 

I still have that incredible boyfriend and we're now steadily approaching the seven month mark - a fact that seems almost unbelievable to me. 
My only issues there are in regards to my overthinking... 
I'm getting better but I'm not perfect. I guess no one is really but the overthinking thing is driving me as nuts as it's probably driving him. 

In a way, I can't really be too hard on myself for it. 
In the last three years, I've lost the person who raised me, gone through the worst depression of my life, picked myself up from that, been really good with money, been really bad with money and eventually gotten on the right track for my dream job. 

I've been busy. 

The thing is, as much as my overthinking annoys me, my boyfriend deals with it perfectly. 
I\m so used to going it alone that I still never really think about how someone else could help me. 

I had an overthinking moment yesterday. 
Usually, it would take me about three or four hours to talk myself out of the weird funk that my head is in but he talked me through it and I felt fine after half an hour. 

He is so consistently good to me and I really have no idea how much longer I'll have with him or if I'll be lucky enough to have him in my life forever but he is the only person in the world who makes me feel like I can be completely me and he won't get annoyed. 
Of course, I've known my best friend Jane for over 20 years now but it's a different level of comfort. 
He sees me at my most vulnerable, my happiest, my most worried, my most stressed.... Everything, sometimes in the space of one week, and he deals with me perfectly every time. 

There's a Taylor Swift song from her latest album called 'Afterglow' and I've always resonated with the lyrics in regards to him. 
More specifically, these: 

'I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue

Put you in jail for something you didn’t do

I pinned your hands behind your back, oh

Thought I had reason to attack, but no' 

'Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

But it's not what I meant

Sorry that I hurt you

I don't wanna do, I don’t wanna do this to you (Ooh)

I don’t wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)

I need to say, hey, it’s all me, just don't go

Meet me in the afterglow' 

I won't share too much about my relationship because, even though I truly believe I am the only person who will ever read this, it's still on the internet and I'm a more private person than I was a few years ago. 

What I will say is that, as we've spent more time with each other, I have found myself getting annoyed at him over stupid little things and then finding myself confused the next day as to why I got so worked up over something so trivial. 

I don't know if it's hormones or what it is but it's annoying. 

Still, he stays though. 

I got so wrapped up in the memory of not saying when I was upset about something in my last relationship that I decided to say when any little thing annoyed me in my current one and I don't necessarily think that's the right idea either. 

I need to think through things more because he doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend who gets worked up about every little thing. 

The last thing I want is for us to break up and for him to get another girlfriend who doesn't have these crazy moments and for him to think 'Oh wow, Jess was insane. This is really what a relationship should be like'. 

Okay, I'm reaching but that's not really the point here. 

What I love about our relationship (amongst other things) is that we're not afraid to admit we're not perfect but we're trying for each other. 

I would much rather be in a relationship that's real and that I have to work on than one where we constantly tell each other how much we love each other and everything's always perfect and wonderful. 

That doesn't feel real to me. 

I've had that before and I look back and almost laugh at us for being so naive and stupid. 

But we were young and I guess that's what you do when you're young. 

You play pretend at being grown ups when you really don't know anything about love or relationships. 

In many ways, I still don't but I'm learning and I know now what I deserve and what I'm willing to fight for. 

The way I'm feeling right now, I don't know if I could be this happy with someone else. It's still relatively early and I'm sure I probably could be if I was given a few years but I can't find myself picturing a future without him in it and I don't really want to. 

I am so incredibly happy and grateful for him. 

I'll work on myself forever if I have to to make this work. 

But I am getting better! Which gives me hope. 

I think the new job has a large amount to do with that. 

Speaking of... 

I love it. 

I am so happy. 

At Standard Life, I dreaded going into work every single day. 

I had horrible luck with managers, the second of which seemed to pick solely on me which was incredibly unfair, and I didn't feel like anything I did was good enough. 

My best example of how awful Standard Life was was when I got questioned for being ill. 

I get tonsillitis almost every year and I have for the last three or four years. 

When I got it in August last year, I was actually accused of making it up simply because I had mentioned wanting to see some fringe shows that were on during the 9-5 working day in the week. 

I had a doctors note and antibiotics but I was still faking it in my manager's eyes. 

When I had a horrible cold all week a couple of weeks ago, my manager actually suggested I go home and she made sure I had the number for calling in sick. When I called the next day, that manager told me to take care of myself and to call on Monday if I still wasn't better. 

The whole experience made me feel so much better because I wasn't judged for being ill, I was supported and not made to feel like a liar which was different. 

I never really had this with Highland Experience because they were pretty good to me too but Standard Life was awful. 

The biggest mistake I've ever made was working there and I am so glad I got out when I did, even if it wasn't the most ideal situation to be in. 

A few months ago, in November, I felt sick at my decisions and where I had ended up. 

I knew it would all work out eventually but I didn't know when or how or if I would be okay until it did. 

My family, friends and boyfriend all came through for me in the second most-difficult time of my life and I'll be forever grateful for them all. 

I got out and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, finally! 

It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I know it'll still be a little difficult financially but I'll be okay. I'll figure it out. 

And I didn't even need to settle for a job I didn't want! 

Thank God. 

I don't know when I'll next write because I'm super busy and I'm getting back into working full time and managing my life around that but I hope I'm as happy and settled whenever I write next as I feel currently, still sitting on this train to Newcastle. 

Love, 

Jessica 

xoxo

Bad Decisions? That's alright...

Welcome to my silly life...

It's been a minute (okay, several thousand minutes...) since I wrote here. 

So much has happened in the last year that I can barely believe it. 

I have...

- Left the job I loved for a more mature career in the financial sector
- Took a pay cut for that job that I ultimately ended up hating
- Dated a bit of a dick who I ended things with quickly (but not quite quickly enough)
- Started writing three books and I've got ideas for others
- Left the aforementioned job in the financial sector for a job that sounded incredible but actually turned out to be a scam
- Become unemployed because my mental state couldn't quite take standing outside for seven hours in the cold just in case I made a sale... 

So yeah, it's been quite a year! 

In 2018, I was amazing with my money. I budgeted, I saved, I bought a Macbook. 

I was so proud of myself. 

In 2019, the pay cut and the addition of a car into my life meant a lack of money and new worries that I really struggled with. 

In 2020, I'm hoping to get my life back on track but the lack of a job a month and a half before January is worrying me. 

It's not all bad though. 

I have an incredible boyfriend and wonderful friends who are supporting me in any way that they can at the moment. 

If I'm being entirely honest, they're the only reasons I'm getting through this. 

I mean, I say this. 

I have been officially unemployed for two days. 

That's not very long but it's enough to be driving me insane. 

The worst part is that there's so much I'm afraid/embarrassed to talk to my closest friends and family about. 

I'm embarrassed I made a really stupid decision and took a job I would end up having to leave due to how awful it was (seriously, it was advertised as an amazing opportunity to be a sales and events management trainee but it was actually just a trick which ended up being more like unpaid labour... Okay, it was exactly like that. You go into their office for 7:30am, spend the morning practicing your 'pitch' (which was really just a script to entice people to buy into whatever you were selling), leave the office in groups of three for about 11:30am, go to wherever you've been sent (I was sent to the freezing cold main street in Portobello), spend the next six hours there trying to get as many people to talk to you/buy into the thing you've been assigned to sell before heading back for 6:30pm - 7pm for a debrief. 
I didn't make a single sale (only one of our group of three did) and it was then that I realised that you only got paid if you did make a sale...

After I found that out, it was pretty hard to find the willpower to continue.

I had to walk away because I was so close to having a panic attack at the realisation that I'd just given up a job that paid me consistently every month for one that would pay me if I forced people into signing up for a direct debit for a charity I'd never heard of. 

I'd been semi led to believe that there would be some sort of base wage. 

I was wrong. 
So. Wrong. 

The next day, I went in for about an hour and then I said I had a headache and I left. 

I got in my car and started driving towards my mum's but she didn't answer so I headed to one of my best friend's flat. 

I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid. 

That night, my boyfriend came over and he was so good to me (he has continued to be so incredibly kind to me despite how sarcastic he usually is) but it wasn't enough to curb my anxiety and I couldn't face going in the next day so I texted my 'mentor' and said I was ill again. 

On Monday (yesterday), I quit. 

I told him I needed a job that would be guaranteed to pay me every month instead of one where I stood outside in the freezing cold for several hours without any guarantee I would get paid. 

He accepted it but told me he was 'sorry I saw it that way'. 

I didn't know what other way there was to see it. 

Since last Thursday (when I left with a headache...), I have been frantically applying for jobs. 

I have maybe three weeks before I'm going to seriously worry about money so I'm desperately hoping I'll find something soon.

As for why I'm embarrassed? 

I made this decision. I got myself into this mess. 

I can't blame anyone else but myself for this. 

And, if I'm being completely honest, if I let myself think about it for too long, I probably will have a mental breakdown. 

So why am I writing this all down here? 

This blog has always been where I've come to with intense feelings. 

I wrote here when my mum (nanny) died. 

I wrote here when my cat died.

I wrote here when I was happy too. 

One day, hopefully one not too far away from today, I will look back on this experience as a mistake that I overcame. 

I don't want to forget how massively I messed up or how devastated I was at the result of my actions 

You can't ignore the mistakes you made but nobody ever learned from having continued successes. 

This was a horrendously bad decision that I made but it was a failure I am going to learn from and come out on the other side wiser from it. 

I know that. 

Now, the other thing that I'm too scared to talk about with my friends... 

My boyfriend is brilliant. 

He is smart, successful and he is miles ahead of me in the game of life (that saying 'Don't compare your Chapter 3 to someone else's Chapter 13' comes into my head whenever I think this). 
He wants to be with someone who is equally successful and I'm miles away from being that person. 

Now, it's been years since I was that girl who thought she knew what love was and who didn't believe she was good enough for the boy she wasted that 'love' on. 

But my boyfriend is so unbelievably brilliant that I oftentimes find myself wondering why he's still choosing me every day. 

He's there when I'm at my lowest and he comes over to be with me when I'm struggling. 
He makes me laugh and roll my eyes (often in the same sentence...). 
He's not perfect but he makes up for his mistakes without me asking him to and he always comes through for me without thinking I'm crazy. 

I'm not saying I'm not good enough for him because that's not fair on me and all the work I've done in the last couple of years to improve my opinion on myself. 

I'm just worried. I don't think I've ever been this scared of messing something up. 

Anyway... 

That's just my life at the moment. 

Honest, raw and completely a mess. 

But I'll fix it. 

I have to. 

Love, 
Jess
xoxo

Think Of What The World Could Be

Wow. It's been a while... Thank God the only person judging me is me...

Okay. So. I just saw The Greatest Showman and it was just as incredible as everyone said it was.

Hugh Jackman and Michelle Williams stole my heart with their adorable love story but the biggest thing I took from it was that, with a hard work and big dreams, anything is possible. 

I love that message.

For as long as I can remember, Hope has been one of the most important things in my life.
Whenever, I was down, I'd simply remember to hope because there was better in my future than this moment of sadness I was in right then.
Whenever I felt a pang of sadness or loss over losing nanny, my first love would tell me the word 'Temporary'. This one word would make me stop and think for long enough for me to remember to have hope because, no matter what I was feeling then, it was only 'temporary'.
There has only ever been one period of time where I have lost hope entirely but my friends and their neverending support and love got me through that time so I never dwell on it. 

The Greatest Showman reminded me of that feeling of being in love and being desperate to be good enough and to prove yourself. While the part of me that felt she wasn't good enough is wearing away with every new thing I involve myself in and every step I take away from that, I still feel desperate to prove myself and to become something.

By 'something', I simply mean that I want to make a difference.
I want to help people and make as many people happy as possible.
Because we're all going to have down moments and not everyone has someone around all the time to remind them it's temporary.

I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do that yet but I'm working on it!

Every time I meet someone amazing, I'm reminded of how even the smallest things are important.
Even tonight! I was walking home after the cinema and I paused to find The Greatest Showman soundtrack on my phone so that I could put my favourite songs on my current playlist when a woman came over to me.
She asked if I was locked out and I explained that I was finding an album on my phone and that I was fine.
The kind woman then took my hand and expressed that she was worried because it's freezing. I told her I had lost my gloves and that I was fine but she was so lovely.
It made me smile most of the way home simply because of how kind and sweet she was.

A couple of weeks ago, while in Marks and Spencer, I complimented the cashier's ring and she was so grateful and sweet. She showed me her matching bracelets and thanked me for the compliment before telling me 'I'm not used to getting compliments'. 
Something I didn't think twice about made that woman's day. My heart broke slightly when she told me she wasn't used to compliments as it was such a simple one.
It just reminded me how important those tiny things are. 

Anyway... 

I kinda went on a tangent... 

On an Edinburgh note, I am so grateful to be from this beautiful city.
I meet some of the loveliest people here and I will be a little bit heartbroken whenever I do move away. 
I've been taking some photos of places I see daily on my walk to/from work or places I grew up seeing.
Edinburgh's just evolving so much that I feel like I need this photographic evidence. Who knows what these streets will look like when I come back with my family one day. 

I hope it's still as kind and welcoming as it always has been. 
Edinburgh people are amazing.

I also hope I can find some way to help people in this city before I leave to start whatever new adventure takes me away from Edinburgh.

The littlest things mean so much to people. 

I hope this make some semblance of sense.
It's midnight and I'm singing along to 'A Million Dreams' and 'Tightrope' from The Greatest Showman soundtrack...

Love, 
Jess
xoxo

Wonderful Woman

To say that I 'enjoyed' Wonder Woman would be an understatement of epic proportions. 

My friend accidentally booked tickets to a show for the wrong week and, unfortunately, I couldn't make the show next week due to work so we ended up seeing this film last night after a lovely dinner (I couldn't eat much. I'd gotten tipsy with Jane (my best friend) at lunch that afternoon). 
My friend wasn't really into it but I begged her and we booked our seats. 

What I didn't realise was that the film doesn't officially come out until today, which may explain why the theatre was so full. 

I loved it though. It was incredible! From the island of Amazon women living and cohabiting peacefully on this beautiful hidden island to the action-packed scenes where Gal Gadot truly got to show the world what woman can do... I was hooked from start to finish. 
Even my friend liked it. 

Growing up, there wasn't much representation for women-led movies that had such a strong and passionate female lead and this was as little as ten years ago. 
Wonder Woman embraces her power and seeks to fight for the greater good, inherently believing that love is the most powerful and important thing we have in this world. 

Regardless of where you are in your life, it's always empowering and exciting to see a strong and intelligent woman kick ass on the big screen and I'm so excited by the fact that millions of little girls get to see such a woman doing incredible things. 

Jessica
xoxo

Manchester

I cannot believe it has been one week since the Manchester attack. 

When it first happened, I didn't really process it. I was on a bus to work at 6am and my mind was still wishing I was asleep. 

The attack happened on Monday night, shortly after Ariana Grande had performed her final song. 

My memories of concerts are always the same. 

We leave, rush downstairs to run to get the train back to Edinburgh from Glasgow. 

I can't imagine doing those same things and hearing an explosion in the background. 

I have read so much about what happened since the attack.
I've read about the people injured, the stories of those who survived, and of those who didn't. 

An eight year old little girl has been confirmed as the youngest of the 22 who lost their lives due to one person's madness last Monday. 

Martyn Hett, who was a 29 year old PR Manager, also lost his life. 

Martyn featured in an episode of 'Couples Come Dine With Me' (my favourite reality-esque show in Britain) a few years ago and I've watched his episode multiple times since.
From the first time with nanny, to my bingeing session a few weeks ago...
He always made me laugh.

He was more outgoing than his partner Russell and they made such a perfect pair together.
You could see the love between them radiating, even through the television screen. 

My heart breaks for Russell.

And for everyone who has lost someone because of that horrible 'man'. 

But what has truly warmed my heart is the amount of love and strength Manchester, as a city, has shown. Their community has well and truly pulled together for everyone left broken by something that never should have happened at all. 

Embracing love and kindness in the face of true evil and cruelty is something I wish we heard more of.
But, it's in light of these tragedies that people really do shine. 

I hope everyone in Manchester and the families and loved ones of those we lost knows they have a whole world of love and support if they ever need anything.

Life will never be the same without those 22 incredible human beings we lost to heaven last week but our hearts will never forget them. 

Rest In Peace, Martyn.
Rest in Peace everyone who passed away. 

The world is a better place because you lived in it. 

Jessica

xoxo

Here's To Heartbreak: Moving On

Mental Health Awareness Month seems like the perfect time to get back to regular writing so let's get stuck in. 

One year ago today, Oscar died. He was mine and nanny's cat for three years but he'll remain in my heart forever.
Losing him so suddenly and stroking his head while he passed away hit me hard. I didn't know how I was ever going to manage without him.
The night before he died was spent crying and telling him I loved him.
I actually slept on nanny's bed, the little I did sleep anyway.
She and I talked for hours about loss and death and how to hold on even when you feel like your whole world is crashing down around you. 
Little did I know this conversation would come to haunt me just three months later.

In August, nanny passed away, 
The night before she died was spent with her only this time I didn't get to sleep at the end of her bed.
I told her she could move on, gave her permission to as I knew she would never leave me willingly or if she thought I couldn't cope.
So, I promised her I would.
I would be okay. I would miss her every single moment for the rest of my life but I would love her eternally nonetheless. 

In December, my first love left me.
Heartbreak hit me harder than both of those things combined.
There's a vast difference to being left through death and being left by choice. 
The days and weeks after that were spent crying myself to sleep (when I got any at all), drinking every day (for a week, I didn't enjoy that), looking sad in all the nicest places (Yes, that's a Taylor Swift reference) and wondering how I was going to be able to live through this incredible amount of pain I felt constantly.
In time, I started to be able to breathe again. 
And I am so grateful for that.

I feel like heartbreak forces you to rediscover yourself, maybe even more so than the death of a loved one can.
Everyone's experiences are different but, to me, losing the woman who raised me forced me to become stronger without her while embracing this new partnership I had discovered. When I first dealt with heartbreak, I had to figure out who I was without him - and without nanny.
Heartbreak has forced me to be even stronger than I was before and I am still embracing this brand new version of myself.
It's been horrible, painful, confusing and so incredibly exciting. 

The biggest turning point with heartbreak, however, is when you finally learn the difference between missing him and missing the way you felt with him.
That takes time and I still think of him with kindness in my heart because I'm choosing to remember the man he was with me and not the person he has turned into now.
If I focused on the latter, I'd never move on. 

It's also important to remember that you are not what he says about you or who he decides you are after the breakup.
That took me a long time to realise but his opinion cannot stay the most important in my life and it hasn't.
Heartbreak hit me at a time when I was vulnerable and already felt extremely alone. Losing him then hit me the hardest because I had no safe place to go to and no family (other than close friends) that could comfort me.
But my own opinion has become more and more important in the months since.
He can say what he likes about me but I will never say anything horrible about his character because who he is now isn't important to me.
I can only wish him the best in life.
If he can't do the same for me, that's his choice. 
And if he can't choose to remember how hard I tried to be good enough for him and the most loving parts of our relationship, that's his choice too.

I am no longer the person I was when I was with him and I never will be again but that's not a bad thing. I read that heartbreak changes you dramatically and I didn't quite understand that until it happened.
I am stronger without him than I ever was with him. I have a better and more balanced opinion of myself now and I want so many things I didn't even consider with him. 

I still love a good Taylor Swift song though. 

Depression is a dark word but it shouldn't be.
I've had it on and off since I was 16 and I understand how badly it can affect people but it does so in many different ways - so much so that no two people ever deal with it in entirely the same way. 
My first experience of it was rough. I gained weight, lost interest in everything and basically turned into a recluse.
My most recent experience of it was my first without nanny and without a home to go to and that was completely different.
I now deal with it by working as much as possible and talking it through with my closest friends.
I can't handle it on my own anymore. 

This Mental Health Awareness Month, we need to focus on being kinder to people. Who knows what's happened in their life?
We also need to learn to be more tolerant of those struggling with mental health issues.
It's not funny, it is just as serious (if not more sometimes) and just as debilitating as a physical ailment as well as being just as dangerous.
We need to try and help those in pain and we should never laugh it off or assume they're 'just sad'. 

This post was about the three worst experiences of my life and they all happened within the same year. I am currently typing this wondering how I survived right now. But I won't go into that. 

'13 Reasons Why' tells the story of a girl who killed herself and left 13 reasons as to why she did it.
Not all of them were big things, most of them happened to cause a chain of reactions which broke her down piece by piece until it became too much to bear.
Because of this, I believe it was a great eye opener for people who maybe don't understand mental illness as much and maybe do some of the things she had done to her.
We don't always think and it's not always dangerous but it can be.
Our actions have consequences. 

So, this month and every month, I hope you start to consider your actions a little more and maybe even try to be kind to that one person at school or work or wherever that you see who looks like they may be struggling a little. 

And, if you're struggling personally, please reach out to someone. Help is out there. You may have to go searching but talking to someone helps so much.
As Cinderella says, 'Kindness is free, love is free.'

Jessica

Here's To Heartbreak

If your heart's recently been broken, Valentine's Day can be just another painful reminder but it's not all bad.

Posted on February 14, 2017, at 9:53 a.m.

TV, music videos and film often depict heartbreak as a beautiful woman in beautiful clothes crying her heart out. Of course, I'm generalising and this isn't exactly a rule and there are exceptions... BUT

What they often don't depict is the little changes to your life true heartbreak causes. They don't tell you that you'll order his coffee or buy his favourite soft drink sometimes just to imagine you're tasting it on his lips. They don't tell you you'll hear from many of your friends and family that this gigantic feeling of loss is something you'll get over when it doesn't actually happen very quickly. They don't tell you you're going to notice changes within yourself that don't even relate to him at all. I'm terrified of needles and usually hold onto my best friend's hand for dear life while holding back tears (Oh how I wish I were kidding...) at hospital appointments but, on Friday at my most recent one, I didn't even flinch. I actually looked at it while the blood was being taken and felt nothing.

When you love someone as much as I have loved and continue to love my first love, that kind of pain you feel from losing them doesn't just dissipate.

It's been two months and I've cried over him three times in the last week alone.

But don't take this as a huge banner from me saying 'Love isn't worth it' because I actually believe the exact opposite.

I'm going to quote something I told a friend of mine who said she wanted love to be 'nice and easy'.

'Unfortunately, I can't promise you that love will be easy because it never is. Even when you do meet the person you'll end up marrying, there will probably be days where you'll cry and you'll question if it's worth it or not. Happy Ever After isn't a right, it's a privilege and it takes hard work and dedication from both sides.

What I can promise you is that true love is out there. Regardless of what happens now or where my life ends up, I consider myself so incredibly lucky because I know real love exists. I've experienced it. Being with him felt like being home and I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone else who will make me feel as safe or as happy or as loved but I'm okay with that because at least I've gotten to feel it once in my life.

You see, true love might not always be nice or easy but the pain that will come with loving someone so much is worth so much more than living without that person.

You could ask me fifty years from now if I regret my first love because of how much pain I have been and continue to be in and I would tell you no. I don't regret a single moment with him.

I know you want easy and nice but real love is worth the effort. I promise.'

You see, for every single part of my soul that heartbreak has left in shreds, there is a memory I will always treasure.

I've read a thousand and one quotes on heartbreak on my quest to understand it and help myself through it and what I've learnt is that it's okay to still miss him after two months.

It's okay to break down crying just because you heard a song he once told you reminded him of you. It's okay to order his favourite coffee and quote what he said about milk ruining coffee when the barista asks you if you want milk in it. It's okay not to hate the one person you thought would never hurt you and who ended up breaking you more than anything else ever could.

But, most of all, it's okay to still be crying over him two months on.

Time can and does heal but, when you've been lucky enough to love someone as much as I have, it doesn't just fade away in a week.

I will always love him, whether he returns to me or not, because he taught me to see the beauty in life. He gave me hope and something to live for.

And you know what? That's okay too. Still loving him is okay.

Heartbreak isn't beautiful but learning how to cope with it and treating yourself better despite the pain you're in is.

I truly admire everyone going through this who is strong enough to keep living.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all of the men and women missing someone.

The pain will fade but the memories never will.

Treat yourself with love and care, try new experiences, go to the gym, don't go to the gym... Be the person he or she made you want to be because you deserve to be that for yourself.

Jessica

(Originally posted on Buzzfeed)

I Don't Know

Three words that have been flying around in my head like a constant stream of confusion since he left me.
This past month has been strange.
I'm getting hit on more than ever before, rejecting more people as politely as possible than I ever thought I'd have to and making decisions based on sadness and alcohol when I really shouldn't.

The thing about heartbreak is that it comes in waves. The first few days were the hardest, then I was managing to cope until Christmas and then New Year and then my birthday; three awful days for me mentally.
I don't understand anything.
I lost him but I've also lost myself and I can't decide which one's worse.

Because I miss him more than I should. He left me so I should be angry at him for it and want him to suffer but love isn't like that.
I love him more than I ever thought possible and I still just want him to be happy. Regardless of how badly he broke me.
Love means being selfless. It means putting someone else's happiness before your own and doing whatever you can to ensure their happiness lasts.
I just want him to be okay.
I want him to be happy.
What I'm slowly realising and struggling to come to terms with is the fact that his happiness might include me being gone forever.

There's a great song by Adele. It's an older one and it's called 'Don't You Remember?'. In it, Adele asks her former love if he remembers why he left her and asks him when she'll see him again. There was no proper 'Goodbye' or closure from the relationship and she wonders if he even still thinks about her.
I relate to this so badly right now.
I think about him constantly. There's not a day that's gone by since he left where I haven't wondered if he's okay.
But maybe he isn't thinking about me. Maybe he hasn't thought about me once since he left.
I know him better than to actually believe that but I don't think he's thought about me as much or in the same way.
What I'm really terrified of though is that he's falling out of love with me.
Because I can't fall out of love with him.
No amount of stupid decisions or desperate attempts at moving on will change that.

There's a saying that goes 'When it's real, you can't walk away'.
I used to believe that with every part of my being but I don't know if I do anymore.
Sometimes, you have to walk away to realise that the person you love is who you're meant to be with.
But that might just be me thinking that while he moves on with his life and leaves me in his past.

What kills me is that I was so sure about him. I've never been in love before but I knew, from the moment we met and then had our first proper conversation, that I could never walk away from him.
He used to say the same about me. He used to.

Another funny thing is that I still can't say a harsh word against him.
My friends are angry at him for hurting me and I understand that entirely because no one's ever seen me as bad I was when he left and my best friends have had to convince me into believing that my life is worth living and that I'm stronger than I'm saying and that's not fair to them.
I get it. I get all of it. All of their anger and frustration.
But I still think the world of him.
I always will.
I have never been more sure of anything in my life than I am of the fact that I will always love him and be so incredibly grateful that I got to be his first love and that he was mine.

First loves are so important and mine was incredible. Every moment until the last month of our relationship was worth all of the pain I'm in right now.
You could ask me in ten years if I would change anything and I guarantee that I would still say no to that.
He was kind and loving and compassionate and smart...
He made me feel so special when I was with him and reminded me of how much he loved me in random moments when we were apart.

I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again.
I can't say I won't but love and marriage and anything that involves the future... They're things I can't think about anymore.
Even if I don't ever feel that way about someone again and I end up alone with a golden retriever, I will still consider myself so lucky to have been his and to have gotten to spend those months with him by my side.

People so often tend to lash out or get angry after a break up but I will never say a bad word against him. He saved me from drowning when I lost my gran. He just didn't save me when I lost him.
Which is probably why I still burst into tears if I accidentally see something he's commented on on Facebook...

John Green wrote that 'pain demands to be felt' and I'm in constant pain without him.
But the pain reminds me that everything we had was real. So bring on the rain and the breathlessness. Bring on the feeling of drowning when I'm walking down the street and see something that reminds me of him.
I don't care. It just means that he was important.

Now, I don't know how he's doing or if he even really gets upset by not having me anymore. It doesn't necessarily seem like it but I haven't seen nor heard from him so...

I don't know if I want to either.
I still have things in his flat in another town but I know that a text from him and seeing him will break me again and I don't know if I'm ready to go back to those early days yet.
We need space and time - he was right about that.
I won't get in contact with him and he won't with me until he gets so annoyed at having my crap in his house that he texts me with a plan.

Whatever happens though, I hope he's happy in the end.
I don't know if this is it for us or if he is The One but he deserves the best out of life. Truly.
I hope he finds it.

Jessica
xoxo

All I Ask

'It matters how this ends...
What if I never love again?'

Two of the most heartbreaking lyrics ever written.
And I couldn't relate more.

It's a funny thing, heartbreak.
This is my first real experience with it. Losing my first love has broken me entirely and I'm not sure how to find myself again after this.
But was it worth it?

God, yes.

We met shortly after my gran died. I was coping but I was still struggling. I wasn't sure if I'd get through the next few months but I was hopeful.
I met him with a closed heart.
I wasn't going to date. I needed time to figure out who I was and I needed to do that by being single.
Also, I hate dating. It's awkward and I never know what to say and it felt like too much too soon.
But then I met him and everything changed.
Not to be cheesy but I'd compare it to a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.
He was tall and gorgeous and I melted into him.
At one point, I went outside and he asked if I was coming back. I felt like telling him that I would always, for as long as I was able, come back to him. Instead, because I'm not entirely creepy, I just told him I would.
He ended up coming outside and we talked and we stayed together for the rest of the night.
Then we made plans to see each other and the rest is history.

I knew I loved him when he left to go back for university.
I've never been in love before and it was so scary to think that I could have fallen in love with him so quickly after losing nanny but I did. After our first date, I wrote that I was sure he was The One.
The next weekend, I visited him and we told each other about our histories (all of the bad stuff) and he told me he loved me. We also had drama that weekend as he got ill and I panicked and looked after him. I made homemade soup for the first time. It wasn't that great but he was kind about it.

I wanted to be so perfect for him. He's an incredible man and I wanted to be good enough for someone like him. He pushed me to be better and believed in me when I didn't. He knew me better than anyone else ever has and he held me when I needed to cry. And I never went to bed feeling unloved or alone when I was with him.

Then it got difficult and he needed space and I understood.
I've known we were breaking up since the 'I love you' goodnight texts stopped.
I understand why we broke up and I think it was for the best in some ways but I can't get over how it happened. The look in his eyes when he confirmed I was right and he was breaking up with me... He'd never looked at me like that before. It was cold and heartbreaking and I didn't know looks could kill you emotionally before but they can and it's not fun.

We have to meet to exchange stuff (things I kept at his, his T-Shirt) and I don't know how I'll cope.
I have always been great at keeping my emotions in check but, after he left me yesterday, I burst into tears and ran through Princes Street like a fool.
He'd already changed his relationship status (on facebook) by the time I got to the west end.
A man actually gave me a packet of tissues to wipe my eyes with because I was crying. He told me I was beautiful and that my first love 'wasn't worth' the tears I was crying and the pain I'm in.
And I want to be mad because he broke up with me in such a cruel way.
But I can't be angry at him because I love him and I know he did what he thought was best for him and I can't argue with that.

I went to the place I met him (back in the beginning) with Jane at about two in the afternoon and got drunk. I'm not proud of that but I needed something to ease my pain or make me feel it, truly feel it.
Because I don't know what to do now.
Four months may not seem like a very long time but he was my first love.
He promised we'd be together for the rest of our lives  and told me I'd be 'loved and taken care of' forever and I'm not sure how to be alone anymore.
I've been his girlfriend for what feels like a really long time and I don't know how not to be.
I don't think I can move on from this quickly because I still hope he'll find his way back to me someday.
Maybe he will.
I don't know.
I used to love imagining the future but now I can't because it hurts too much.

Heartbreak is the worst pain I have ever felt.
I know girls have had their hearts broken and gotten over it (two lovely women in the bathroom at the bar yesterday talked to me for ages about it) and I know that I will too one day.
I didn't eat anything yesterday because I couldn't handle it and I didn't sleep well or much at all.
I'm okay with this though. The pain reminds me that it was real and that he was real at one point.

Loving him has been both the greatest and the most heartbreaking experience of my life but every single second with him when we were happy and he loved me was worth all of this pain.
I'm always going to love him, regardless of what happens now.
And, if he finds his way back to me (which I hope he will), I will love him just as much as I do now.
If he doesn't... I'll find a way to be happy. I really just hope he finds someone incredible.
He doesn't think it of himself but he's a wonderful person and he should never settle for anyone who thinks he is anything other than extraordinary.
I hope she's kind and beautiful and cooks for him (he's a terrible cook) but, most of all, I hope she loves him as much as I have. He deserves so much love and happiness from this world and I hope he finds someone who can give him that, even if it's not me.

What I hope for myself right now though (I definitely can't think about falling in love again, who knows if I'll even be capable? Hence the Adele quote) is that I find myself.
The not eating and sleeping thing is getting old already and I hate being this sad. I hate that I've cried in public so many times and that I can't think of ways to be happy.
I can remember happiness. I see it in my face when I see a photo of him and I and I can remember it all. Every moment with him. The best moments (him asking me to be his girlfriend outside Surgeon's Hall, him telling me he loved me, him coming up behind me and kissing me in the kitchen when I was cooking, the fact he'd always smile when he woke up and his eyes focused on my face...)... All of it is imprinted on my heart like a tattoo and I still smile thinking of those times.
But happiness isn't an option for me right now and that's okay.
I need time to heal and to grieve him because I have lost so much this year.
When you've imagined a future with someone, it's hard to say goodbye to that.
I'm not only grieving losing a best friend and a boyfriend; I'm crying for everything that won't happen now. All of it's just gone.

I'm writing this down because I want to remember it. I'm in Hell right now and I can't imagine being happy but I want to be and I will be eventually.
Having this down in some form means that I can read it in the future and be reminded of how painful it was but also know I got through it.

If he and I are meant to be together, he'll come back to me in time.
If we're not, I hope he finds happiness with someone brilliant.

'And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more and I might be okay but I'm not fine at all'

Jessica
xoxo