How is it May already?

Not the catchiest title ever but this blog is just for me which means I am the only one who will judge it later.

I'm in lockdown with my boyfriend at the moment which means I haven't been back to the South of Edinburgh in over a month.

It's been weird.
Lots of ups and downs.

This is both of ours' longest relationship and we'd only been together for 7 months when lockdown happened.

For someone who has avoided a relationship since her last one ended in 2016 and someone who had never had a girlfriend or even dated someone longer than a month and a half, that wasn't long enough to make us ready to move in together.

There have been some challenges...

But I think, overall, we're coping okay.

I'm a key worker within a charity so I'm still going into work most days and he's working from home but going into work is probably one of the only things keeping my sane right now.

It's making things seem more normal than they are.

Of course, I'm still reminded of how odd things actually are in the world at the moment.

For example, I'm off of work today.

I booked this holiday three months ago because it's my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow.

My plans were to stay at my flat the night before (30th April) and to head into town for my hair cut and colour so that I looked nice for his birthday.
On the morning of his birthday, I was going to head to Greggs to get him a Greggs breakfast and a coffee.

Obviously, none of those things are happening at the moment.

Instead, I haven't seen my flat in what feels like forever and my hair is losing its blondness.

I went to Tesco today and had to shop by following arrows and flinching whenever someone got too close.

It's been odd but I think he'll have a good birthday.

All of his presents from his family and I are wrapped and hidden in a cupboard, he's sipping on one of his favourite beers which I ordered from Brewdog especially for his birthday and I'll bake his cake tomorrow while he's on his racing game.

It isn't what I planned but I think it'll be nice.

I ordered some nail polish for myself though because, even though it's something I usually only do at Christmas, I need help with keeping myself happy and entertained.

This is kind of a rambling blog post and I feel like I'm not really saying anything of importance.

Times are hard and strange right now and it makes me uneasy.

A year ago, I was going to beer gardens with the guy I was seeing (A lovely guy who I ended things with because I hated my job and it was making me feel rubbish so I wasn't in a good mental space), I was meeting my best friend for a drink and wandering around Newington.
I was going to work every single day at that job I hated (Honestly, the biggest mistake I ever made was working at Standard Life but it led me to where I am now so I have to accept that at least) and buying a coffee and a croissant from Pret on the way (usually because I needed that one positive thing in the morning to force myself to go into work).

It was so normal but now it seems insane.

My boyfriend is extremely chilled about most things and he's relatively easy to live with.
I'm still paying rent for the flat I haven't been to in almost two months but he's not making me pay bills here so I'm doing all of the housework - something which probably sounds sexist but suits us.

He is also extremely sarcastic - something I've found harder to deal with considering my less positive moods over the last few weeks.

I'm getting used to it though.

And my situation isn't even close to as bad as some people's.

The stories I hear about healthcare workers living in hotels so that they don't risk giving Coronavirus to their families are the worst.

I find myself both wishing I did have a kid and also being incredibly grateful I don't at the moment.
I wish I had a child because I'm broody and it would be amazing to get to have so much time with them at the moment but I'm also grateful I don't have one because I'm a key worker and I wouldn't want to risk anything happening to them.

Everyone's kind of in limbo right now.

You can't make plans to travel because you don't know when you'll be able to.
You can't sit and relax because it'll be over in a few weeks because you don't know if it will be or not.

My best friend's grandad is seriously ill and I can't be with her or give her a hug or hold her hand and be there for her.

I don't even know if she can be there for him in what could be his final days.

I've sent her a 'Hug in a Box'. It's a teddy bear that comes in a box and it will, hopefully, cheer her up a bit.

As a control freak, these uncertain times are stressing me out.

Especially as someone who always tries to have plans because I've been more prone to loneliness since nanny died.

My boyfriend is helping though. Not as much as I'd often like thanks to games but as much as he can.

He'll be 25 tomorrow which seems crazy.

When did I get to be so old? I swear I was 20 yesterday.

He's wonderful though.

Unlike when I dated Hugh all those years ago, I don't know if we'll be together forever and I don't plan as if we will be.

But I love that I get to have him now.

He's so smart and funny and he makes me happy almost as much as he makes me roll my eyes at him.

I wouldn't have it any other way though.

I hope he enjoys his first birthday with a girlfriend and that I can make him feel as special as he makes me feel just by continuing to let me live in his world with him.

I can't say sappy stuff like that to him so I've said it here.

The reason I feel special is because I see how he is with strangers. Not super talkative, polite but reserved... He's very much an introvert.
With me though, he lets some of those walls down a little bit to let me in and although he's sarcastic all of the time, in the rare moments when he's not, I get to see someone no one else does.

I won't say too much more but I love him.

I'm glad he showed me what real love was and, even though I can't tell the future, I'm very glad he's in my present.

I hope everyone's safe and I hope you're okay, Future Jess, when you're reading this years later.

Love,
Jessica
xoxo

Highs, Lows and Inbetweens

Since my last post, things in the world have changed a little bit.

I first heard about the Coronavirus coming from China in early February.
If I'm being completely honest, it wasn't something I was immediately concerned about.

Since then, it has slowly begun taking over the world in its own horrible way and the UK has, officially, been in lockdown since last Monday.

This has come with some surprising challenges.
I know there are a large amount of personal challenges everyone's having to deal with but the main one I'm trying to navigate has to do with my relationship.

Danny (Still not his real name) and I were together when lockdown happened and we've been together for the last week and a half now.

This has been challenging for a number of reasons.

1. Danny and I don't live together. I still have my flat in Newington and he lives in Leith.
2. We are absolutely not used to spending this much time with each other.
3. We needed to have conversations we never would have had to before.

There have been some growing pains.
He's obsessed with playing this game with his friend every night which has caused me to moan at him a couple of times because I've felt like I'm being ignored for a stupid game.
I experienced the loss of a family member recently and that on top of the coronavirus and work has put a large amount of stress on me, which has been difficult to deal with.

We had a conversation about it yesterday to figure out what we should do.
Do we continue living together during this situation even though we're not ready to live with each other?
Do we commit to being apart during lockdown and live in our separate flats for the next few weeks (months?)?

Either option sounds horrible and I know we're lucky to have the choice when lots of people don't but it's still stressful.

If we stay together, will we drive each other nuts because we're both used to having space?
If we're apart for this, will we be miserable?

Ugrh.

Why is there no easy option?

A magical option number three which enables us to go back to seeing each other for half the week?

In reality, our situation is not the worst out there.

We can't see our families, like lots of other people, and we do have each other for the moment.

Whatever happens, we will get through it together - whether we're physically together or not - and that's good enough for me for now.

Taking it day by day is the best we can do.

I hope everyone else out there in similar, worse or better situations is coping as best they can.

That's all we can do really.

Cope as best as we can.

And we will.

Britain has faced different obstacles over the years and we've always managed to get through it.

The amount of kindness I'm seeing from people all over the world, despite the virus, has me remaining hopeful.

Love,
Jessica
xoxo

Think Of What The World Could Be

Wow. It's been a while... Thank God the only person judging me is me...

Okay. So. I just saw The Greatest Showman and it was just as incredible as everyone said it was.

Hugh Jackman and Michelle Williams stole my heart with their adorable love story but the biggest thing I took from it was that, with a hard work and big dreams, anything is possible. 

I love that message.

For as long as I can remember, Hope has been one of the most important things in my life.
Whenever, I was down, I'd simply remember to hope because there was better in my future than this moment of sadness I was in right then.
Whenever I felt a pang of sadness or loss over losing nanny, my first love would tell me the word 'Temporary'. This one word would make me stop and think for long enough for me to remember to have hope because, no matter what I was feeling then, it was only 'temporary'.
There has only ever been one period of time where I have lost hope entirely but my friends and their neverending support and love got me through that time so I never dwell on it. 

The Greatest Showman reminded me of that feeling of being in love and being desperate to be good enough and to prove yourself. While the part of me that felt she wasn't good enough is wearing away with every new thing I involve myself in and every step I take away from that, I still feel desperate to prove myself and to become something.

By 'something', I simply mean that I want to make a difference.
I want to help people and make as many people happy as possible.
Because we're all going to have down moments and not everyone has someone around all the time to remind them it's temporary.

I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do that yet but I'm working on it!

Every time I meet someone amazing, I'm reminded of how even the smallest things are important.
Even tonight! I was walking home after the cinema and I paused to find The Greatest Showman soundtrack on my phone so that I could put my favourite songs on my current playlist when a woman came over to me.
She asked if I was locked out and I explained that I was finding an album on my phone and that I was fine.
The kind woman then took my hand and expressed that she was worried because it's freezing. I told her I had lost my gloves and that I was fine but she was so lovely.
It made me smile most of the way home simply because of how kind and sweet she was.

A couple of weeks ago, while in Marks and Spencer, I complimented the cashier's ring and she was so grateful and sweet. She showed me her matching bracelets and thanked me for the compliment before telling me 'I'm not used to getting compliments'. 
Something I didn't think twice about made that woman's day. My heart broke slightly when she told me she wasn't used to compliments as it was such a simple one.
It just reminded me how important those tiny things are. 

Anyway... 

I kinda went on a tangent... 

On an Edinburgh note, I am so grateful to be from this beautiful city.
I meet some of the loveliest people here and I will be a little bit heartbroken whenever I do move away. 
I've been taking some photos of places I see daily on my walk to/from work or places I grew up seeing.
Edinburgh's just evolving so much that I feel like I need this photographic evidence. Who knows what these streets will look like when I come back with my family one day. 

I hope it's still as kind and welcoming as it always has been. 
Edinburgh people are amazing.

I also hope I can find some way to help people in this city before I leave to start whatever new adventure takes me away from Edinburgh.

The littlest things mean so much to people. 

I hope this make some semblance of sense.
It's midnight and I'm singing along to 'A Million Dreams' and 'Tightrope' from The Greatest Showman soundtrack...

Love, 
Jess
xoxo

Manchester

I cannot believe it has been one week since the Manchester attack. 

When it first happened, I didn't really process it. I was on a bus to work at 6am and my mind was still wishing I was asleep. 

The attack happened on Monday night, shortly after Ariana Grande had performed her final song. 

My memories of concerts are always the same. 

We leave, rush downstairs to run to get the train back to Edinburgh from Glasgow. 

I can't imagine doing those same things and hearing an explosion in the background. 

I have read so much about what happened since the attack.
I've read about the people injured, the stories of those who survived, and of those who didn't. 

An eight year old little girl has been confirmed as the youngest of the 22 who lost their lives due to one person's madness last Monday. 

Martyn Hett, who was a 29 year old PR Manager, also lost his life. 

Martyn featured in an episode of 'Couples Come Dine With Me' (my favourite reality-esque show in Britain) a few years ago and I've watched his episode multiple times since.
From the first time with nanny, to my bingeing session a few weeks ago...
He always made me laugh.

He was more outgoing than his partner Russell and they made such a perfect pair together.
You could see the love between them radiating, even through the television screen. 

My heart breaks for Russell.

And for everyone who has lost someone because of that horrible 'man'. 

But what has truly warmed my heart is the amount of love and strength Manchester, as a city, has shown. Their community has well and truly pulled together for everyone left broken by something that never should have happened at all. 

Embracing love and kindness in the face of true evil and cruelty is something I wish we heard more of.
But, it's in light of these tragedies that people really do shine. 

I hope everyone in Manchester and the families and loved ones of those we lost knows they have a whole world of love and support if they ever need anything.

Life will never be the same without those 22 incredible human beings we lost to heaven last week but our hearts will never forget them. 

Rest In Peace, Martyn.
Rest in Peace everyone who passed away. 

The world is a better place because you lived in it. 

Jessica

xoxo

Here's To Heartbreak: Moving On

Mental Health Awareness Month seems like the perfect time to get back to regular writing so let's get stuck in. 

One year ago today, Oscar died. He was mine and nanny's cat for three years but he'll remain in my heart forever.
Losing him so suddenly and stroking his head while he passed away hit me hard. I didn't know how I was ever going to manage without him.
The night before he died was spent crying and telling him I loved him.
I actually slept on nanny's bed, the little I did sleep anyway.
She and I talked for hours about loss and death and how to hold on even when you feel like your whole world is crashing down around you. 
Little did I know this conversation would come to haunt me just three months later.

In August, nanny passed away, 
The night before she died was spent with her only this time I didn't get to sleep at the end of her bed.
I told her she could move on, gave her permission to as I knew she would never leave me willingly or if she thought I couldn't cope.
So, I promised her I would.
I would be okay. I would miss her every single moment for the rest of my life but I would love her eternally nonetheless. 

In December, my first love left me.
Heartbreak hit me harder than both of those things combined.
There's a vast difference to being left through death and being left by choice. 
The days and weeks after that were spent crying myself to sleep (when I got any at all), drinking every day (for a week, I didn't enjoy that), looking sad in all the nicest places (Yes, that's a Taylor Swift reference) and wondering how I was going to be able to live through this incredible amount of pain I felt constantly.
In time, I started to be able to breathe again. 
And I am so grateful for that.

I feel like heartbreak forces you to rediscover yourself, maybe even more so than the death of a loved one can.
Everyone's experiences are different but, to me, losing the woman who raised me forced me to become stronger without her while embracing this new partnership I had discovered. When I first dealt with heartbreak, I had to figure out who I was without him - and without nanny.
Heartbreak has forced me to be even stronger than I was before and I am still embracing this brand new version of myself.
It's been horrible, painful, confusing and so incredibly exciting. 

The biggest turning point with heartbreak, however, is when you finally learn the difference between missing him and missing the way you felt with him.
That takes time and I still think of him with kindness in my heart because I'm choosing to remember the man he was with me and not the person he has turned into now.
If I focused on the latter, I'd never move on. 

It's also important to remember that you are not what he says about you or who he decides you are after the breakup.
That took me a long time to realise but his opinion cannot stay the most important in my life and it hasn't.
Heartbreak hit me at a time when I was vulnerable and already felt extremely alone. Losing him then hit me the hardest because I had no safe place to go to and no family (other than close friends) that could comfort me.
But my own opinion has become more and more important in the months since.
He can say what he likes about me but I will never say anything horrible about his character because who he is now isn't important to me.
I can only wish him the best in life.
If he can't do the same for me, that's his choice. 
And if he can't choose to remember how hard I tried to be good enough for him and the most loving parts of our relationship, that's his choice too.

I am no longer the person I was when I was with him and I never will be again but that's not a bad thing. I read that heartbreak changes you dramatically and I didn't quite understand that until it happened.
I am stronger without him than I ever was with him. I have a better and more balanced opinion of myself now and I want so many things I didn't even consider with him. 

I still love a good Taylor Swift song though. 

Depression is a dark word but it shouldn't be.
I've had it on and off since I was 16 and I understand how badly it can affect people but it does so in many different ways - so much so that no two people ever deal with it in entirely the same way. 
My first experience of it was rough. I gained weight, lost interest in everything and basically turned into a recluse.
My most recent experience of it was my first without nanny and without a home to go to and that was completely different.
I now deal with it by working as much as possible and talking it through with my closest friends.
I can't handle it on my own anymore. 

This Mental Health Awareness Month, we need to focus on being kinder to people. Who knows what's happened in their life?
We also need to learn to be more tolerant of those struggling with mental health issues.
It's not funny, it is just as serious (if not more sometimes) and just as debilitating as a physical ailment as well as being just as dangerous.
We need to try and help those in pain and we should never laugh it off or assume they're 'just sad'. 

This post was about the three worst experiences of my life and they all happened within the same year. I am currently typing this wondering how I survived right now. But I won't go into that. 

'13 Reasons Why' tells the story of a girl who killed herself and left 13 reasons as to why she did it.
Not all of them were big things, most of them happened to cause a chain of reactions which broke her down piece by piece until it became too much to bear.
Because of this, I believe it was a great eye opener for people who maybe don't understand mental illness as much and maybe do some of the things she had done to her.
We don't always think and it's not always dangerous but it can be.
Our actions have consequences. 

So, this month and every month, I hope you start to consider your actions a little more and maybe even try to be kind to that one person at school or work or wherever that you see who looks like they may be struggling a little. 

And, if you're struggling personally, please reach out to someone. Help is out there. You may have to go searching but talking to someone helps so much.
As Cinderella says, 'Kindness is free, love is free.'

Jessica

Here's To Heartbreak

If your heart's recently been broken, Valentine's Day can be just another painful reminder but it's not all bad.

Posted on February 14, 2017, at 9:53 a.m.

TV, music videos and film often depict heartbreak as a beautiful woman in beautiful clothes crying her heart out. Of course, I'm generalising and this isn't exactly a rule and there are exceptions... BUT

What they often don't depict is the little changes to your life true heartbreak causes. They don't tell you that you'll order his coffee or buy his favourite soft drink sometimes just to imagine you're tasting it on his lips. They don't tell you you'll hear from many of your friends and family that this gigantic feeling of loss is something you'll get over when it doesn't actually happen very quickly. They don't tell you you're going to notice changes within yourself that don't even relate to him at all. I'm terrified of needles and usually hold onto my best friend's hand for dear life while holding back tears (Oh how I wish I were kidding...) at hospital appointments but, on Friday at my most recent one, I didn't even flinch. I actually looked at it while the blood was being taken and felt nothing.

When you love someone as much as I have loved and continue to love my first love, that kind of pain you feel from losing them doesn't just dissipate.

It's been two months and I've cried over him three times in the last week alone.

But don't take this as a huge banner from me saying 'Love isn't worth it' because I actually believe the exact opposite.

I'm going to quote something I told a friend of mine who said she wanted love to be 'nice and easy'.

'Unfortunately, I can't promise you that love will be easy because it never is. Even when you do meet the person you'll end up marrying, there will probably be days where you'll cry and you'll question if it's worth it or not. Happy Ever After isn't a right, it's a privilege and it takes hard work and dedication from both sides.

What I can promise you is that true love is out there. Regardless of what happens now or where my life ends up, I consider myself so incredibly lucky because I know real love exists. I've experienced it. Being with him felt like being home and I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone else who will make me feel as safe or as happy or as loved but I'm okay with that because at least I've gotten to feel it once in my life.

You see, true love might not always be nice or easy but the pain that will come with loving someone so much is worth so much more than living without that person.

You could ask me fifty years from now if I regret my first love because of how much pain I have been and continue to be in and I would tell you no. I don't regret a single moment with him.

I know you want easy and nice but real love is worth the effort. I promise.'

You see, for every single part of my soul that heartbreak has left in shreds, there is a memory I will always treasure.

I've read a thousand and one quotes on heartbreak on my quest to understand it and help myself through it and what I've learnt is that it's okay to still miss him after two months.

It's okay to break down crying just because you heard a song he once told you reminded him of you. It's okay to order his favourite coffee and quote what he said about milk ruining coffee when the barista asks you if you want milk in it. It's okay not to hate the one person you thought would never hurt you and who ended up breaking you more than anything else ever could.

But, most of all, it's okay to still be crying over him two months on.

Time can and does heal but, when you've been lucky enough to love someone as much as I have, it doesn't just fade away in a week.

I will always love him, whether he returns to me or not, because he taught me to see the beauty in life. He gave me hope and something to live for.

And you know what? That's okay too. Still loving him is okay.

Heartbreak isn't beautiful but learning how to cope with it and treating yourself better despite the pain you're in is.

I truly admire everyone going through this who is strong enough to keep living.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all of the men and women missing someone.

The pain will fade but the memories never will.

Treat yourself with love and care, try new experiences, go to the gym, don't go to the gym... Be the person he or she made you want to be because you deserve to be that for yourself.

Jessica

(Originally posted on Buzzfeed)

Five Stages, Four Weeks, Three Moments

It's strange how quickly time passes.
One moment, you're a child getting a hot water bottle and soup when you're sick and the next... You're an adult.

It's felt a bit like I'm watching my life from the sidelines, recently.
Oscar died four weeks ago today and it's three days until the fifth which will be the official '1 Month Anniversary'.
It's odd because I don't normally have 'out of body experiences' but it's been a long few months.
Oscar dying has affected me more than I could ever have known and I cry now. Randomly. At least twice a week.
I'm a terrible over-thinker and anything could make me cry.
Thinking about him for two long, hearing a bell that sounds like his, the fact that his food bowl now holds my keys...

They say there are five stages of grief. I kinda figured they'd come in order and that, once I hit acceptance, I'd be okay again. That doesn't really happen.
My experience has been a learning curve.

Denial: I've never really been good with denial. For some reason, my brain just won't let me deny the unfortunate facts. The only times I've had moments of it has been whenever I think I hear him. Even if I'm seconds from falling asleep, I'll get out of bed and go to check - just in case.
He's never there but I have to make sure.
I always return to bed disappointed.

Anger: Again, this isn't a major stage for me. I'm not an angry person because I hate the feeling I have when I'm angry, It's a wasted emotion. It doesn't help you get better. It just helps you be mad. If that makes sense.
I have had moments where I'm mad/sad that he's gone. I just don't get it. I don't understand why he's gone when there were so many things we had to do together, so many years I needed to be with him. It doesn't make sense.

Bargaining: The amount of times I've begged God to swap my sister or myself for Oscar is embarrassing... I don't mean it in a nasty way. I just want him home. I want my baby back. He never comes though and God never answers. If God hears me, he's not replying.

Depression: Sadly, this stage is the one I have the most experience with. I suffered with depression after I stopped being friends with two of my best friends back in 2011 and it's never gone away entirely. The only difference now is that it's not as powerful. I'm coping better.
Sadly, it does mean that these last four weeks have been a really difficult struggle.
There are times when I just don't want to be here because Oscar's in heaven and he's 'waiting for me'. It comes and goes like the tide but it's not really gotten any easier. Like I thought it would. I have hope though.

Acceptance: Strangely enough, I do accept that he's gone. I accept he's not coming back.
I just wish he was. I want to hold him and love him and bug him constantly. Coming home isn't as fun lately. I don't rush, I don't get excited. I used to call his name whenever I'd come home and he'd rarely respond but coming home to him made every hardship I had that day or that week seem a little easier to handle.

There's nothing I don't miss about Oscar. Nothing. I don't expect that to ever go away.
I just wish I had more videos of him. I snapchatted him constantly but that's not the same.
I burst into tears last week because I couldn't remember the way his meow sounded.

The three main moments, mentioned in the title, have been:
The day after he died, the one-week anniversary and the day we brought his ashes home.
Each of those days were significant because they were moments I truly realized he was gone. The day we brought him home was almost as hard as the day he died. I had him, in my arms, in a box. A box. A little, round, green box with his name on it.
I'll never forget that day. I collected him and burst into tears. When I got home, I took him out and just held him while I talked to my mum for about an hour. I didn't let him go for one second.
He sleeps on my bed now, with his collar beside him.

I have amazing friends though. The girl I met at college has listened to every part of this journey and never judged me - even when I've said ridiculous things. I love her for that.
And my best friend from school? She messages me every single day to make sure I'm okay.
I have other friends who have sent their condolences and shared experiences and it does help.

I just have to accept that this chapter of my life is going to be the hardest but it will get easier, with time.

Until it does, I'm going to keep being that weird girl who carries her dead cat's collar around wherever she goes but I'm okay with that.

Let's just hope June is better.

Jessica
xoxo

I've Forgiven It All, You Set Me Free

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past ten hours or so, you'll recognize those lyrics from the Adele song 'Send My Love (To Your New Lover)'.
The music video (a beautiful, understated, classic black background with Adele in a floral dress blowing your mind - yet again) debuted at the Billboard Music Awards last night and I have watched it about a hundred times since.

The video came at an interesting time for me, personally, as I have finally started to realize something about myself and the way I love.

It's no secret that I loved this guy who will never love me back but I sent a text to my friend last night after I came to a realization about it.
I texted her:

"I had an epiphany. I want a guy who gets just as excited as me about Disney. Who's strong and kind and intelligent but doesn't mind making a fool out of himself every now and then. I want Phil Dunphy"

Okay, this was after two in the morning but you never know when things are gonna hit you.
Phil Dunphy, for those out there who haven't come across Modern Family, is the dad of the Dunphy kids.
Modern Family is a mockumentary about three parts of one family.
I'm not going to go into it all but Phil is my favorite character.
He's a hardworking dreamer who stops at nothing to bond with his kids. The first episode has him singing and dancing to a High School Musical song.
To cut it short, he's my dream dad.
When I was a kid, I would've loved my dad to try and figure out my interests and to do whatever it took to make me happy.
He's funny, sexy (by that, I mean his attempts are adorable. Clive Bigsby anyone?) and he never stops dreaming.

I can't really explain all the reasons as to why he's my dream guy but the bigger point is that I finally accepted something I'd been struggling to for a long time;
You can't keep chasing after ghosts, wishing they'd fall in love with you.

Life isn't one big romantic comedy.
The guy doesn't always get the girl and the girl doesn't always get the guy she's hopelessly in love with.
The girl moves on or the guy falls in love with someone else and where does that leave you?
Alone and miserable.

Last night, I had to accept that maybe, instead of me not being good enough for him, he's not right for me.
Someone can seem perfect in so many ways but, if they can't see that in you, why are you even wasting another thought on them?
You have to grow up and accept that you're worth better than wishing in someone who will never see you.
Once you accept that, you're free.

Which is why I chose those lyrics for my title.
I've forgiven everything that happened, I don't regret it because it taught me so much but I'm done with it. I'm free now.

Hold out for your Phil Dunphy.

Jessica
xoxo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk4BbF7B29w

'Sometimes You've Got To Cry A Little To Be Able To Smile A Lot'

Tonight, I did something I swore I'd never do; I cried over the last - and only - boy to ever break my heart.
The reasons I promised myself I wouldn't cry over him were simple:

1. I always knew he was still in love with his ex and the probability of us ever actually becoming anything were slim
2. Crying over a boy is not something confident, self-sufficient, strong women do (Yeah, that's utter bullshit)
3. We never actually dated

The first one is number one on the list because it was the thing all my friends pointed out to me when I was gushing over his adorable texts that would make me grin from ear to ear whenever I got one. I knew this but some things are easy to look past when you're hopeful and it's the first guy to make your heart flutter.
Number two on my list of reasons has more to do with my feelings about myself and the standards I set. I've been through a lot in my short-ish life. It's enough to know that crying over a guy I'd only properly known for a couple of months is low on the scale of 'Bad Things That Have Happened To Me'. The way I look back on all these bad moments now is that, while I'm not glad they happened, I'm grateful for the fact that they made me stronger. I am extremely strong minded and I rarely break when things get tough - it takes a lot. So this wasn't really an assumption or pressure on women as a whole -  it was about me.
My last reason is the one that stands out for me. How can someone you never dated break your heart?
Now, here's where it gets complicated.
We met and flirted and I knew about his ex. After a few weeks, we kissed and we talked everything through the next night. We agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship.
That's something I'm proud of by the way. Talking it through was mature and, regardless of the outcome, communication is always key.
My friends told me not to trust this and to be careful and I... I heard them but I didn't really listen. I trusted my heart. He was the first man who'd ever made me feel special and wanted and like I was worth more than my own opinion of me. And that? That is everything to a girl who's never had that before.
I let him into my heart and he made me laugh and smile and we connected.
And still, we communicated about where this was/wasn't going.
But him being in love with his ex gets complicated when he's flirting with you and telling you everything you want to hear. That's where I got lost.
And so I began to fall for something that could happen. We had potential. Like-minded people with different interests but common ones too. He gave me hope for something that never happened.
But then the ball dropped. The chandelier fell right on top of me. The balloon popped. The glass smashed. Whatever you want to call it, it happened.
We'd been flirting semi-consistently every week for about two months. In three days, I went from 'hopeful and happy' to 'confused and crushed'. I had no idea they'd still been talking all this time and then he said he wanted to get back together with her and... Yeah. 

I wrote a good song though.

"Better (Original Song) via Smule

http://www.smule.com/p/166496379_259401184 

At the end of the day, I was left broken and hurt by this.
And I was angry. So angry. At myself for trusting him when all of my friends told me to be careful, at him for flirting with me and making me feel like he wanted me when I don't even know if I believe he ever did.
He doesn't understand either. I still have to see him and, tomorrow, I have to see her too - the ex/current girlfriend. Tomorrow and at my best friend's birthday in two weeks time.
I don't hold any hard feelings towards her. I just pray she feels the same about me...
Otherwise, these next few weeks are going to be even more painful.
The main issue here is that, from his point of view, he never led me on and I never thought anything was going to happen because he always made it clear that he was still in love with her.
He doesn't understand that bringing her to these things and flaunting their perfect relationship in front of me is going to kill me.
So, tonight, when I found out she was coming to my best friend's birthday I cried.
For about fifteen minutes. It just doesn't seem fair though. That I'm the one crying because I take time to mourn things that could've been when he's perfectly happy and blissfully unaware of my pain.
Then again, what in life is fair?
I know I'll look back on this one day and be so grateful nothing ever went further.
I was on the phone to my friend earlier and she said something I'm going to remember for a long time:

'One day, you'll be glad your first heartbreak was a guy you never dated because you can learn from it and know how to cope next time instead of getting in too deep and getting your heart broken by someone you thought loved you'

She has a point. While I thought the attraction was mutual and that he actually cared about me, it's better getting your heart broken by a guy you never fell in love with and who you never got to make lots of memories with. I have memories of him and they're mostly fond.
What he'll never understand though is that I don't let guys in. I've been let down by men since I was born and I don't trust men easily. I have two incredible male friends who are brilliant and I adore them. They're fine. But romantically? Nope. It's not something I can do easily.
He was the first man I ever felt like 'This could really go somewhere' and he's going to be the last until I meet someone worthy enough of my trust again.

Unfortunately, this story is continuous. I'll be seeing him and his loved-up girlfriend acting like nothing ever happened in 21 hours.
You can't always run away from your ghosts but, when you're forced to face them, you can always depend on your girlfriends to help. I have several going to my best friend's party and she's going to try and tell him to be a little more sensitive considering how hurt I still am. At least, I'll have backup for that. Tomorrow? I'm not proud of this but I'm planning on looking fabulous and drinking wine to get reasonably drunk. Then I'm going to dance with my best friend and celebrate my other friend.

Life is always going to throw you curve balls. How you react and grow from them is all down to you. You just have to try and make the best choices you can.

Jessica
xoxo

P.S. My current choice is to drink a large cup of Twinings English Breakfast Tea while eating peanuts and watching the latest episode of 'Modern Family'

Life Lessons Aren't Always Easy To Learn

You can't just keep expecting people to change. You can hint it to them and tell them how frustrated you are with their actions for years but they'll never change unless they make the decision to. 

I'm having difficulty practicing what I preach right now because it's hard to let go of that hope. You grow up around someone and watch them make the same stupid mistakes all the time and they never learn. When you get older, you try and talk to them about your personal issues and how they could help themselves but, ultimately, you can't change people. 

It's one of the hardest lessons in life to learn but also one of the most important. 

No matter how much you love someone and hope they will change, they're never going to be the person you need them to be. 

So you have two choices: you can live with it and accept them for how they are or you can move on from them and try to cope that way. 

For me, it's someone in my family. Someone you're supposed to love and respect unconditionally. 

I love her, with all my heart, but I find it impossible to look at her in the way I'm expected to. 

I don't respect her choices, I don't understand her actions and some of the things she's done have really affected me emotionally. 

But she has good points. 

She's kind, her heart is in the right place (most of the time) and she tries hard with me. Most of the time. 

Unfortunately, it's the difficult times that tend to make you reflect the most and, for me, I have to decide whether or not I can cope with having it feature in my life prominently. 

It's impossible to cut her out of my life completely and I don't want that. 

If she wasn't who she was, I would have done. A long time ago. 

But it's trickier than that. 

I don't think I'm ever going to stop hoping and praying she'll change one day but I hope I can learn to stop trying. 

It might take me moving far away for it to happen but I'm willing to accept that. 

There's only so much of yourself you can give to a difficult situation before it consumes you.

Jessica

xoxo

Just A Random Thought...

So I was thinking a bit about time.
The other day, I met up with an old friend for coffee. I ended up telling her about something really horrible that happened to me about a year ago. It was something that made me have a panic attack, terrified and shocked me to my core and also made me consider something extreme (and also final. And deadly). For months afterwards, I was afraid to sleep and would cry every time I thought about it. You may think it sounds dramatic but this really shook me. A lot of bad things have happened in my life and I've always been strong enough to get through it on my own. It's just what I do. But this was something I wasn't sure I was strong enough to live through and that thought alone terrified me.
Anyway, I told my old friend about it and I didn't cry. It didn't even scare me to think about it. I stammered and I couldn't look at her the entire time I was talking but I didn't cry.
Thinking about time right now, I remembered this and it made me think about how time heals.
The wounds I have from that experience are still there and I don't think the scars will ever really go away. But they aren't bleeding anymore. Time healed it. With time, I learned to move on and accept the fact that I can't change it. I'll never be over it and I'll never forget it or forgive the person who did it to me but I can and have moved on from it.
Yes, it took a lot longer than most other things I've dealt with to begin to heal but I'm alive. It wasn't worth dying over.
It just makes me think about how close I came to giving in. That scares me too. The thought that I could have given up and ended everything.
I like to believe that there's always hope. That I may be sad today but there is always tomorrow to look forward to.
I hope I don't sound like I'm asking for pity or anything because I don't want it. So many people go through worse things every day and I feel terrible for moaning about it. I just wish I could hug everyone who's ever gone through something bad. But I can't.
Well... I'm going to go now.
The point is that I really do believe that time heals. The scars may remain but the initial hurt and pain fade with time.
I'm really going now... Sorry for the randomness of this. It doesn't really mean anything. Just my pondering.

13 Days...

Woah... It's been 13 days since I last wrote anything. In that time, I had my first 'Saturday Night Out' for my best friend's 18th (We went to some random bar near town and her cousin and a few of his friends joined us later. Nothing too interesting. I was mostly laughed at for my severe lack of knowledge in knowing where any countries are. Sorry if I'm not a fricking map or atlas or Google. It's not like knowing where Chile is is going to be super important to me in my future is it? (If it is, I'll learn where the frick it is but, until then, I'm completely content with not giving a flying frick. No offence to Chile or anyone who lives there or whatever). Not much else happened really), read 'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green (I'd actually been meaning to do this for a while. I cried at Chapter 13 and at several points after that because I have a problem of feeling too much for characters etcetera and imagining myself in their positions. As a whole, the book was incredible. It made me laugh, cry, smile and actually think about things. I only have one question for John Green: What the Hell happened to Hazel afterwards? Did she die? Did she live? What did she do? Damn you John Green for leaving me to ponder so many things. Still an excellent book), wrote a few songs and went to Barcelona for a week (Left on the 24th March (The day after my first ever night out) and got back on April Fools Day (Also known as the Mishapocalypse on Tumblr). I stayed with my aunt, uncle and their three-year-old. It was noisy and I needed space after a few days of non-stop 'sightseeing'. Seriously, we were out every single day! The constant running around added to the never-ending noise and the lack of privacy drove me mad! After much, much arguing with my aunt, she let me stay in on my own for the day. The computer was off, I didn't know how to work the TV and I wasn't allowed to touch anything. I felt a bit like a five-year-old to be honest. But it was quiet! Oh so quiet! Unfortunately, that quietness only lasted five hours and then it was back to noise. It was good while it lasted though. Later that same night, my aunt and uncle's married friends Sandra and Paco and Geordie and Ruth came over for dinner. They were all very lovely and they tried to speak English with me which was nice (I also attempted to speak some Spanish). The next day, we met Sandra, Paco and their adorable little puppy. We went to this small town in Spain called 'Besalu'. It was so beautiful there. I could have spent the entire day wandering around. I swear, it looked like something out of a fairytale. Not really sure what else to say about my trip. I had some fun, had some bad times but, in the end, I was glad I went. My aunt's suggested I move there for a while but I'm not sure. I'd rather have an idea of what my life's going to be before I do anything that drastic). Since then, I've been in bed, sick. I've caught up with friends and TV shows (Let's Get Ready To Rhumble is number fricking one in the UK!!! So happy! Go Ant and Dec!) and tried to focus on getting better.
I also got an email from the Murray Grant Academy for the Performing Arts. They said I could pay 200 and something pounds per month instead of paying the £1250 deposit and then a bunch of money each month. It's my last chance and I'm still stunned to have even gotten another one. I know what I want to do but, again, I don't know if I can do it. In my dream last night, I was in a music video type thing. I was walking around, seeing myself at different stages of my life and doing different things whilst singing the song 'Never Grow Up' by Taylor Swift. The dream ended with me sitting alone in my bedroom, holding a photo of me when I was two in my hands. I looked up at myself and who I am now in the mirror. I looked sad, lost even. It wasn't nice. It was also quite dark in my bedroom. One part of the song in particular kinda keeps swirling around in my mind:
'Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
I could still be littleOh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple'
I really wish I could be back there sometimes. In my past. Getting Princess dresses every year at Christmas time, playing 'Twin Sisters' with my best friend Jane in my Primary School Playground. Things were a lot simpler. Then again, I can't live in the past. Living in the past only prevents you from growing in the future. I can wish away my problems as much as I want but it's only going to hold me back. It's not going to erase the problems from my life.Wishing on a star will only get you so far. If I want my problems to go away, I have to figure out a way to solve them myself. I'll get there... someday. I honestly believe that.

Feeling Reflective...

I phoned MGA today and told them that I couldn't take the place. It was the worst phone call I have ever had to make. Mainly because I didn't want to make it. As soon as I hung up, I started crying. I guess you never realise how much you want something until you can no longer have it. I think it was saying it out loud that made it real and knowing that I had to accept it now. It's finally over. The dream is dead.
For now.
I'm not giving up entirely. I just have to find some alternate routes to get there. I will though. Someday. Hopefully. I'm never going to lose hope. I can't do that.
The thing is, if you really believe in yourself and what you can do (which is what I'm trying to do), then you can do anything. It might take a while and you might have to work really hard but you can get there. I really believe that. On Sunday, I'm going to Barcelona for a week. I kinda need a break from Edinburgh and what has been the best and worst month of my life. I need to do some 'soul-searching' or whatever. I plan on coming home and taking a few classes or something, hopefully getting a job and trying again next year. I just need to save a bit of money first. Or maybe I won't got to MGA. Maybe I'll end up somewhere completely different. Whatever happens, I'll be okay. I have to believe that. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to but it's okay because there will be other things that do. You might just have to wait a little longer for them. And I'll wait for however long I need to. As long as I get there in the end.