Time Flies When...

You're having fun!
Just kidding. That's way too cheesy.
Time flies when you're working non-stop and have a new social life.

Has it really been over two months since my last post?
Huh.

Well, a lot has happened.
Especially in the last month.
I've lost a friend (she wasn't that great of a person so it's not such a loss. I'm actually glad she's not in my life anymore. All she ever did was care about herself, judge me endlessly and make me think I was a terrible person), made new friends and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.

The first big thing I did was that I actually went on a work night out.
I've been working at Hollister since January but, until that Saturday night in June, I had never even tried to see them outside of work.
I went to a party, on my own, and talked to people I've been working with for six months (by that point) and immediately wondered why it had taken me so long.
They weren't terrifying monsters or anything like it.
They're good, fun people.

In the four weeks since that party, I have gone on a few more nights out and made more friends with the amazing people I work with.

I'm just so frustrated at myself for staying scared for so long.
Okay, it's a big deal to go somewhere on your own when you don't really know anybody but I want to move in a few years - how can that happen when I'm terrified of going to things on my own?

Another thing I did was actually decide on a few things about my future.
A friend at work helped me with that.
Another person at work made me feel so much better about the whole 'college before uni' thing.
So I'm going to get my grades in order. go to uni and study Criminology and Sociology.
Of course, I'm not naive enough to think everything's going to work out that way and that I'll never change my mind on anything ever but... It could happen that way.
I just know I want to really try this year at college and get good grades and work hard.
It's about time I grew up a little.

The most recent thing I did was talk to my ex boyfriend.
I dated him two years ago and he's followed me on different social media platforms since then so I finally followed him back on Instagram and opened up that box to reexamine.
I just wanted to know why he's been so insistent over the years.

What I realized, during our conversation, was that he doesn't remember things the way they happened. Our time together was brief so it's easy to romanticize it but he seemed to think there was hope that we could come back together in the future.
I feel terrible for him as things haven't gone the way he planned they would in his life but I am not the solution to those problems.
Two years ago, I was a completely different person. I lacked self confidence and a plan and I still believed in happily ever afters.
I'm not saying that I now have a depressing view of the world and that I've turned into a 'Debbie Downer' (as my gran would say) but I'm more realistic now.
I've grown up a heck of a lot since then and I'm not willing to go back there.

He sounded sad. I get it. His life isn't the way he'd imagined it.
I pitied him a little. I want him to have a good life but the way he talked about the small semblance of a relationship we had made me realize he's desperate for things to really be that way.
Mismembering things doesn't erase what happened - it just makes it more cozy for your own head.
I felt bad when I set him straight a couple of times but when he told me he was sad but not surprised that I was seeing someone, I had to cut the crap and be honest.
I told him that, while I hoped he met someone amazing in the future, I wasn't going to be with him ever again.
He's not even remembering me right.
I'm not even close to the same person I was two years ago so even if he did know that person extremely well, I'm not that same girl today.

I truly hope things change for him.

I, however, am happy.

I'm starting college on the 29th and I can't wait to get started.
I just hope the people are nice.
I keep having this fear that they'll be scary monsters.
And I have to spend 24 hours (in total over three days) a week with them.
I might even need to start a study group so you can understand why it would suck if they were scary monsters.
I suppose I'll only really know when I have my open day on the 22nd.
I'll try not to be too freaked out...

I have no idea when the next time I'll write will be but I hope it's soon.

Jessica
xoxo

Frenemies

This morning on the British version of 'The Talk', 'Loose Women', one of their topics was on whether or not friendship breakups are equal to breakups with a partner.
I haven't experienced a breakup upsetting enough to equate the loss of a friendship but I definitely think a friendship breakup is on the same level as some relationships.

As Nadia Sawalha said on 'Loose Women' today, we fall in love with friends in certain ways.
We get to know these people and connect over similar interests and we end up seeing them as much as we're able to.
You bond with your friend, telling secrets, getting life/love advice from them, consoling and being consoled by them...
Friendships are incredibly important relationships in our lives as we learn from these people and grow with them.
The friendships you have in life end up defining you.

But you shouldn't keep friends in your life out of some sense of duty.

I have one friend from primary school that I'm still in touch with. 16 years later and we're still as close as ever. She's lived twenty minutes away from me my whole life and, although we've gone down different paths, she still makes me feel just as important and included as she did when we saw each other every day in school.
We've had hiccups though.
We went to different high schools for a few weeks and I worried we'd stop being friends altogether.
The phone calls grew less and less frequent and we both made new friends.
We worked through it though.
She came to my high school in the end and, even though I had a new best friend (an amazing, fun, bubbly, kind and driven girl I automatically idolized), we stayed close.
She's the only person I've been on holiday with and we have so many memories together that life without her just isn't conceivable.

My high school best friend is a regret.
Not because I regret our friendship but I ended up being really naive and stupid and we said things out of anger which caused the ending of one of the most important friendships of my life.
Our other friend, who I also lost, was someone I ended up talking things through with after a few months and we were able to work it out and she's one of my favourite people in the world. She's funny, sarcastic, talented and absolutely incredible.
I'm glad we saved our friendship but I hate how I lost them both at that time.
My best friend in high school is someone I still admire and respect. I see her, from time to time, and we catch up like old friends. I'm so incredibly grateful for that. I didn't lose her completely, even after my mistake.
But it'll never be like it used to be and I have to accept that.
Losing two friends at once, although it was through my own idiocy, was awful.
I got really low, didn't want to leave the house or talk to anyone and gained weight (I went up two dress sizes). It was awful.
Definitely as painful as a breakup.

Since then, the main friendship I've lost is the girl from nursery.
With that, the break wasn't sudden and it wasn't my fault so I don't carry any guilt from that as I know I tried everything I could to save it.
It still hurt though, despite her phasing me out over time.
I used to love how different we were and how close we were. I could tell her anything and our families had known each other for years. We experienced so much together, all for her to decide I wasn't worth her friendship 17 years later.

But losing a friend you've had for almost 20 years isn't, necessarily, a bad thing.
I'm talking about it broadly and not just my experience.

You grow as you get older; emotionally and spiritually.
You're not always going to have the same friends you've had since you were five years old because things change.
People change, move, gain new experiences and new friends...
Circumstance is a funny thing.
Once you leave school or a job or a city, you find out the people who you were only friends with because you saw them every day.

The people you meet along the road are going to shape you and your experiences in life will mean you might not have room for people you no longer share anything in common with and that's okay.

But it's important not to keep toxic people in your life ('frenemies') as they'll only hold you back from your dreams and goals.

That's all from me!

Jessica
xoxo

The Hardest Word

No, I'm not talking about 'sorry'; I'm talking about 'goodbye'.
It's such a final word, you know?
It's an ending, a word that doesn't offer an opening. It's closing a door that will never be opened again.
At least, it is for me.

I'm an endless trier though. Giving up on friendships, especially, isn't something I take lightly.
Unfortunately, it can't be prevented if the other person in the friendship stops trying.

For any relationship to work, it takes both people to be active participants. Both of you talk, text, tweet, share stories, meet up, etcetera. Even if it's just a few times a month.
I, for example, have two friends who live abroad and we Skype every few weeks and talk on Facebook a few times a month. Sometimes, it isn't more than once in a month because it depends on our schedules but they're still two of my closest friends.
I have another friend who lives in Edinburgh, like me (obviously), and we barely see each other but we both have Snapchat and talk every once in a while. When we see each other though, it's like no time has passed and she's like a sister to me (singing, dancing, acting and CHICKEN forever! (Private joke ;)).
But there goes my point - you can't have a friendship when you don't talk to someone.

One of my best friends and I are going through this right now.
I don't know how it started but our relationship has phased out gradually.
I know it happens but I never expected it to happen to us, you know?
Maybe it was naive of me but I always expected her to be there. We were going to dance at each other's weddings and tell embarrassing stories about each other to our spouses and children.

So I'm left with a burning question: Where did we go wrong?
As I said before, relationships take commitment. You both have to make an effort for it to work and, if you're not talking to each other at all, it's not going to last.
We, gradually, stopped talking to each other late last year and it's just never been the same. We did talk. In November. We had a good conversation on Facebook and we even had a night out together when our mutual friend couldn't make it at the last minute.
It was good to spend time with her. I was particularly fragile after having a hard month due to something I wrote about previously so I enjoyed the chance to let my hair down (metaphorically. It's always down) and have fun. I even met a guy who knew people I went to school with who was really interesting on my way home. It was a good night.
Afterwards though...
I don't know. We went weeks without talking until we exchanged messages over Christmas. She apologised for not talking to me more and I was just thrilled to hear from her. I mentioned seeing her at my birthday but she never replied.
Then we saw each other at New Year. I had no idea we would be getting together but our friend suggested we all went out so we did.
I didn't talk to her until that night and, while we were out, it was like nothing had changed.
But I felt a shift.
My birthday was mentioned and she had no idea anything was happening, despite it being on Facebook and me mentioning it previously.
I mean, my friend who lives in Edinburgh and who I barely talk to but love unconditionally kept my birthday free in case I was doing something - despite nothing being planned at first.
(She ended up taking me out for a delicious dinner on my birthday and it was perfect and sweet and I had a great day)
Maybe it was accidental but I didn't keep my hopes up for seeing her.
On my birthday, my friend and I both got the same message. She'd been asked to work later than originally planned and wouldn't be able to make it.
I'll admit that I felt cheated. I used to visit her all the time when she first moved and we've grown up together. 17 years and now we never talk... It doesn't seem fair and I didn't understand why she couldn't have told her boss she couldn't work later because it was her friends' birthday. The screenshot of her phone showed she was asked - it wasn't a demand.
I'm not saying everyone can get out of shifts but not trying at all made me feel like I didn't mean anything to her.
I let it go and enjoyed my time with the friends who could make it but it felt like an extra step in the path towards the end of our friendship.
I never replied to her Facebook messages after that and she never made any efforts to talk to me so I let it go.
Until my best friend told me she hadn't shown up to said best friend's birthday a few days earlier because she 'hadn't talked to me in a while, didn't know anyone going and didn't want it to be awkward'.
I have several issues with this:

1. It wasn't about her, it was for our best friend and you go regardless
2. She knows me better than to think I would be anything but kind and friendly to her
3. She told our friend she would be there an hour before the party so deciding not to come in the end without telling her wasn't very nice

I don't know if it sounds petty but it felt like a pretty lame excuse. If you can't come, don't come but don't blame someone else for something when you know they're not like you're insinuating.

Anyway, it made me miss her. So I called her at 1AM after seeing Jedward (they were awesome) at midnight on Wednesday/Thursday. She didn't answer but I wasn't surprised because most people are sleeping at that time of the morning on a weeknight but I called her the next day and there was nothing either. I decided to send her a message asking her to call me when she could. I even added a happy emoji to show her it wasn't anything bad.
So I waited a day and there was no response - despite Messenger saying she'd been online a lot.
After waiting a day, I sent her a follow-up message: 

"Okay... Well, it keeps saying you're active but you never reply so here goes. I've known you all my life. Literally. 17 years is more than three quarters of it. I love you. I miss you. And I hate that we don't talk anymore. I don't know how or why it happened but it's been less and less and I hate it. You're family and I love you so much. I'm sorry I didn't reply after my birthday. I was upset you didn't come and I missed you and then it was days that I hadn't replied and... It spiraled. I miss the fact you're so incredibly Scottish and proud and how you have a different opinion to me on most things. I miss hearing about what you're up to and I hate the fact that I couldn't tell you anything you've been up to in these last few months and you couldn't tell me the same about me. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy and living your best life. This is the hard part though because we have two choices. We can either fix our communication problems and be friends or we can keep not-talking and move on from this friendship.I'm not saying that like I want us to never speak again but it's the unfortunate reality. Just know that you're always going to mean something to me and I love you no matter what happens. But you can't be friends with someone you don't talk to. All my love and good wishes, Jess xoxo"

That's it. That's the full message.
I'm writing this post at 10PM on Friday night. If she hasn't responded by this time tomorrow, I'm going to post it with the ending to that story.

I hope she does and that we can work through our issues but, if she doesn't, I'm glad I can say that I did everything I possibly could to try and mend our broken friendship.

Jessica
xoxo

Saturday, 11:19pm

Well, it's been 25 hours and she hasn't read the message.
A year ago, I probably would have suggested she hadn't seen it or had been busy or something but... Messenger tells me she was active four hours ago.
Three days, two phone calls, one important message.

The hardest part of all of this is knowing that I couldn't save us. She ruined this. I tried and never gave up but I, obviously, don't mean as much to her as she once meant to me.

I'm not trying to play the Blame Game here.
I'm not angry at her.
It's just upsetting.

I think I've said before that friendships ending can often be like relationships ending. You spend time with this person, growing together, learning each other and making memories. All for it to be over so quickly that you need a minute to process what's happened.

So it comes back to that word.

This is all I have to say to her now:

Goodbye. Thank you for 17 years of friendship. I'm sorry I couldn't save us but I hope you find happiness with whatever you do in life.
But I'm done. I can't keep playing this game with you where I pretend we're fine and you haven't hurt me and you refuse to tell me why you decided I wasn't someone you wanted in your life after almost 20 years.
I once told you that the only reason I would give up on a person completely were if we didn't love each other anymore.
You don't ignore people you love.
I've made mistakes in friendships. I've hurt people and I'm not trying to say I'm perfect with this post.
One thing I will say about those times though is that I was younger and foolish. I learnt from my mistakes and I tried really hard not to give up on you.
What I didn't realise though, is that you'd already given up on me.
So have a great life. I truly mean that.
Goodbye, for the last time.
Jessica.