New Job, New Plans, New-ish Jess.

Okay, so, wow... I haven't written in a long time. To be fair, I was a mess after Cory died. Even though I didn't know him personally, I couldn't stop thinking about everyone else. Friends, family, fans... If I'm completely honest, I'm still not over it. I still cry every couple of days when something reminds me of him in a particularly potent way. But I accepted that I would never get over his death a while ago. And, really, the fact that it does still hurt shows how much of an incredible person he really was. He'll be remembered forever in our hearts. So he's immortal in that way. As Cory once said 'Love is how you stay alive even after you're gone.'.
Anyway, change of topic. I'll start with each headline.

New Job
I got a job! I had an interview at a Hairdresser's on the Tuesday after Cory died but that didn't work out. I'm not surprised nor was I upset. I was a mess at the time, like I said, and I don't know if I would have been a very good hairdresser anyway. I'll leave that to the more beautiful and stylish girls of the world.
I got an interview with a private nursery in Colinton, Edinburgh and I got the job considering I got a place with Carousel Training. I got that place and, after a long time, I finally got a start date.
I start next week on the 23rd September.
I will be working with babies and toddlers part-time every week while attending a college course with Carousel Training once a month.
I'm very excited to begin. Can't wait actually.
My senior year of High School, I felt like everyone had a plan but me. They were going to university or college or something. I had nothing. No idea.
But, now, I have a plan. I know what I'm doing for the next year and a half or so. It'll be hard and I might even hate it some days but I'm committed to it and I'm going to work hard.
I'm just glad to have a plan.

New Plans
Which leads me onto my next point... :)
I have made a few plans which will probably change as the years go by but, hopefully, not by too much.
For one: I want to move to America. Preferably, San Francisco. I love the atmosphere and the people and the scenery. It's gorgeous. If not there, I'm thinking Michigan or something. I'll figure it out.
Another thing I want to do is become more involved in charity work. I have a few specific things in mind that I would like to help out and volunteer for but I need to find out the main organisations in the UK.
For now though, I'm happy to stay in Edinburgh.
I'll work it out from there.

New-ish Jess
To be fair, it's not so much 'new' as 'retro' Jess.
I've been wearing skirts and dresses on a pretty constant basis all summer which is something I used to do before I started High School at age eleven. I love dresses and skirts. I was a big girly-girl growing up and it was nice not to have my legs covered in jeans which have been a staple of my wardrobe since 2007.
I love jeans, don't get me wrong. Skinny jeans make me smile and they're warm and I don't find them uncomfortable. They're also very... I don't know. They're homey. Does that even make sense? They're comfortable anyway.
So, I decided to wear more dresses, etcetera. This means I'll have to buy more and also tights or something for Winter but, like my life, I'll figure that out as I go along as well :)

I don't really know what else there is to say. The Fringe was great this year! Loved the Comedy shows!
Going to leave a couple of pictures from the last two months here...
xoxo

Random Thoughts and Inner Turmoil (More 'Confusion' but whatever)

Today (or tomorrow as it's officially Midnight here in the UK), I stayed inside. I didn't sing as much and I didn't dance around my bedroom (or anywhere else in the house) at all. This means I'm depressed or sad or something. I'm not used to being sad. I normally try and distract myself somehow but it didn't work today. I lay around the house (mostly my bedroom) feeling sorry for myself over my lack of a future. I figure I'm allowed to. I came face to face with my dreams, the potential future I could have. It was so close I could almost taste it. The friends I would have, the dreams that would come true, the songs I would sing... Everything was finally falling into place but, now that my hopes and dreams have been shattered within seconds before even properly becoming a possibility, I am left right back where I started: alone, confused and scared. I'm scared because MGA was something that was real. It was a chance to prove to myself that I was better than what I imagined. That I actually mattered in this world somehow. Now that I've tasted the happiness I could have, I don't want to let it go and I hate that I have to! I auditioned on a whim to see if I could actually do it, never believing for a second that I could get in, but I got a place and I wanted it so badly. It sucks!
So, now, I'm sitting at my computer in my dark bedroom at seven minutes past midnight writing down my thoughts and feelings on something nobody's ever going to see or care about. It's like I'm talking to a therapist only this blog can't give me advice or take notes to refer back to later (not actually sure if that's what therapists do so I apologise for any false statements).
Maybe I'll take a year to go and 'find myself' or something. I never understand what people mean by that though. How can you 'find yourself'? To me, that makes no sense but I'm willing to try and find out what it means so that I can do it too. Just anything that'll give me something to focus on besides the shreds my dreams are being cut into.
I just feel like everyone's moving forward except me. My best friend got an unconditional to Edinburgh University, my other friend's going off to College and my last friend (Yes, I know it's pathetic that I only have three friends but I would have more if I could go to MGA. Damn it!) has a conditional to do a Drama thing at university. Getting that place at MGA made me feel like I was moving forward too. For once, I didn't feel like a failure. I wasn't just the 'stupid' one. I mattered and I was proud of myself.
I keep telling myself that 'everything happens for a reason' but what's the reason for this? What good is going to come from me not being able to go to my dream school and have friends who, not only respect what I want to do in life but, want the same things? What good is going to come from me being unhappy for another year or however long it takes for something good to happen?
I know I sound extremely ungrateful or whatever but I don't mean to.
Ever since I can remember, I have pinned all my hopes and dreams on 2013; the year I turned 17.
I was going to learn how to drive, finally move out and away from my family, go to college or university and do something I love, maybe even get a boyfriend. I was supposed to be happy. Truly happy. 2013 was supposed to be the year that everything changed for the better but none of that stuff's happened. I haven't learnt how to drive yet, I haven't moved out, I won't go to college or university because I'm not clever enough and don't have the money to pay for the school I want to go to and I don't have a boyfriend because, I guess, I'm just not pretty enough.
I'm trying really hard to see the silver lining to all of this and to stay optimistic but what if there isn't a silver lining? What if I'm just not meant to find true happiness or whatever? I guess, I'll just have to deal with it and hope something good happens soon.

On the upside, I did read Darren Criss' LiveJournal posts (someone posted them on Tumblr. I'm not a stalker, I promise) so they cheered me up for about ten minutes. He had some very random thoughts at 17. He should just write a book about all his thoughts. I'd read it.

It's Today, It's Today!

Yes, I just quoted 'Stuart Little' in my title. No, I will not apologize for it.
Anyway, my audition's today! I can't really believe it. My plan for yesterday kind of collapsed. I ended up spending most of the day shopping for stuff for today and then I went to the Disney store. Bad idea. As soon as I got near the store, I turned into a five year old and, all of a sudden, everything I saw was 'Awesome' and needed to be touched, gazed at longingly or played with. I picked up a Sleeping Beauty doll which said 'Aurora' but I complained (more whined than complained and not really. I think I was too happy to complain properly) because she was, clearly, wearing clothes from before she knew she was Aurora. The doll was actually Briar Rose. The person who worked there was really sweet! I said I wanted to move in and she said she thought more people like me should work in the store (she said this after realising that I was right about Briar Rose). I guess we know where I'm handing my CV into next... I managed to persuade my mum to buy me a mug with a Dalmation on it from the film '101 Dalmations'. It was the awesomest thing ever! If I ever get a boyfriend, I'll wait until we're married and he's legally stuck with me forever before I go into a Disney store with him. Wouldn't want to terrify him. That said, I'm gonna need someone to actually find me attractive enough to want to date me. Chances are slim but I'm holding out hope.
Anyway, my audition! I got back late and watched 'Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway' (whilst drinking vanilla hot chocolate out of my awesome new mug!) and then got to learning my monologue. But I didn't really learn it at all. I'm still in the middle of deciding which one from 'When Harry Met Sally' I'm going to do (yes, I changed it and I don't think it's very appropriate but I've decided it will be easier if I actually enjoy the film/thing the monologue comes from). I'm thinking probably the classic 'I love you' speech Harry does at the end of the film. I should probably go and get dressed (had a shower. It's not important but I wanted anyone who read this to know that I am not a nudist. Nothing wrong with that. It's just not me. And I'm wearing a towel. I shouldn't have said anything at all...) and start learning my lines... I have less than an hour. This is going to fail! Wish me luck!
http://instagram.com/p/WXZZm3lYfy/

Name Change (Blog not me in real life. I like my name)

So, I changed my name on this to 'Just Jess'. I realised that I was blogging about my life and life isn't stress free. Especially not mine recently. I'm, generally, a very optimistic person but I haven't been feeling very optimistic recently. In fact, I've been feeling the opposite. I'll write another post on that in a minute.
The point is that life is stressful. Life is complicated, people are cruel and bad things happen. My life is nowhere near perfect. It's not happy all the time and it's not always enjoyable. By naming my blog 'Less Stress With Jess', I feel like it was portraying an untrue image of me (even though I'm still about 99.9% sure that I'm the only person who will ever read this, I didn't want to lie to myself either).
As depressing as my description of life was a second ago, I'm not pessimistic about it (even though it definitely seems that way). Life is also laughter and fun and unforgettable experiences. It's not always complicated, people aren't always cruel and good things happen as well. Just because my life hasn't been a picnic so far doesn't mean that my future will be dark and dreary. I am extremely hopeful that it won't be. I have a feeling my next post is going to be an extremely honest one about what's been happening in my life recently and I'm not entirely sure I'm up for that. But I can't let myself forget it either (not that I think I'll be forgetting it ever). The post after that may be slightly more optimistic. Just can't put it in the next post because it would be kinda strange and they're completely unrelated topics.
Anyway, I changed my name on Blogger. No big deal.
(And my page thingy (msjessjohnston) is my Twitter and Tumblr username thing which is why I thought it would make sense if it was my blog too. Also, justjess was taken)

South Africa: Saturday

Today, we got up at 8:20AM and went down for breakfast at 9:00AM so I was glad we got to sleep in for a bit (unlike tomorrow, when we have to be down for breakfast at 6:30AM. Really looking forward to that...). After we had breakfast, we sorted through all of the clothes and donations we had brought for different sets of people (street children and students at the schools we are going to visit) into different teachers' rooms. We had a little while to 'relax' or something in our own hotel rooms. At about one, we went to the beach (which was beautiful) and then, at two, we went to meet some street children. It's awful how much these people have been through. I was listening to a twelve-year-old tell his story (his sister abused him so he and his friend walked from Istanbul to Durban. Not entirely sure if that last part's true as Istanbul is a very long way away from Durban but it's still really sad) and I felt terrible for him. No one should ever have to go through that.
We got back to the hotel after a lovely walk through the streets, at about quarter to five, had a quick drink (Tried to order Coconut water, the waiter thought I said 'coke and water' so that was fun...) then went upstairs to our rooms. I had a shower (as did everyone else in my room) then we went down to meet everyone else at about ten to seven for dinner. The restaurant we ate at was lovely but I felt a bit sick so it wasn't too great. There were also cockroaches running around...
Just got back to the hotel and I have to be up in less than five hours to go to a safari park. Going to die.
(Metaphorically, of course)
Jessica
xoxo

1 Day To Go...

Not sure what I'm going to do when I get back from South Africa and can no longer name my posts after how many days I have to go until I leave for South Africa. Guess I will just have to ponder that when I get back.
It's ten o'clock right now and I am panicking. Every five minutes, I remember something else I've forgotten to do. Whether it's ironing, packing, something electrical charging or something else. This is not good. This is bad. Instead of 'Less Stress With Jess', I've become 'Increasing Stress With Jess'. I keep having internal debates about everything; "Should I take this top? No? Leave it. Maybe I should take it. I'll take it. Have I done this? No? Frick. Just another thing to add to my ever-expanding 'To Do List'...". This makes me sound crazy but, I promise, I'm not. If I am, it's the stress. Probably...
So far, I've remembered that I haven't filled out a certain college-application form that I need to send tomorrow and so I'm 'working' hard to get that done. Or, at least, I will be when I finish this post.
I'm also trying to cope with the fact that I'm going to miss A LOT of TV. No Modern Family, The New Normal, Pretty Little Liars, The Vampire Diaries or Glee for the next week. I realise that the fact that I am going to miss them whilst in South Africa may sound a little (a lot) pathetic but these are some of my favourite shows. Each one makes me laugh, get angry, cry (mostly Glee even though it's supposed to be a comedy) or a mixture of all three every week. I enjoy them. There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe I'll get lucky and be so busy/tired that I will forget all about the characters and plots of my favourite television shows. Although, I am pretty annoyed that I'm going to miss Klaine making out at Wemma's wedding. Not because I'm a pervert (don't even have a snarky comment to put here) but because I really love the couple. They love each other so much and I have decided that they will be together forever... once they come to their senses that is.
Don't really know what else to say. Hopefully, I will be able to post a few pictures whilst in South Africa as I've come to like this blogging thing. Even if I am the only one who reads it. It's kinda like a diary and it might be nice to come back to it a few years after I stop (if I ever stop) and read what I wrote at different times in my life. Yes, I am that sentimental. Sorry.
Jessica
xoxo
P.S. Dear future me, please don't turn into an asshole. Be nice to people. Because nobody likes an asshole.

Just a random picture of myself in a dress...

So, I bought this dress for my trip to South Africa. It's not my usual style but I actually really like it.
P.S. Ignore the mess on my bed. I'm still getting everything organised to leave on Thursday.
Less Stress With Jess? More like More Mess With Jess...