New Job, New Plans, New-ish Jess.

Okay, so, wow... I haven't written in a long time. To be fair, I was a mess after Cory died. Even though I didn't know him personally, I couldn't stop thinking about everyone else. Friends, family, fans... If I'm completely honest, I'm still not over it. I still cry every couple of days when something reminds me of him in a particularly potent way. But I accepted that I would never get over his death a while ago. And, really, the fact that it does still hurt shows how much of an incredible person he really was. He'll be remembered forever in our hearts. So he's immortal in that way. As Cory once said 'Love is how you stay alive even after you're gone.'.
Anyway, change of topic. I'll start with each headline.

New Job
I got a job! I had an interview at a Hairdresser's on the Tuesday after Cory died but that didn't work out. I'm not surprised nor was I upset. I was a mess at the time, like I said, and I don't know if I would have been a very good hairdresser anyway. I'll leave that to the more beautiful and stylish girls of the world.
I got an interview with a private nursery in Colinton, Edinburgh and I got the job considering I got a place with Carousel Training. I got that place and, after a long time, I finally got a start date.
I start next week on the 23rd September.
I will be working with babies and toddlers part-time every week while attending a college course with Carousel Training once a month.
I'm very excited to begin. Can't wait actually.
My senior year of High School, I felt like everyone had a plan but me. They were going to university or college or something. I had nothing. No idea.
But, now, I have a plan. I know what I'm doing for the next year and a half or so. It'll be hard and I might even hate it some days but I'm committed to it and I'm going to work hard.
I'm just glad to have a plan.

New Plans
Which leads me onto my next point... :)
I have made a few plans which will probably change as the years go by but, hopefully, not by too much.
For one: I want to move to America. Preferably, San Francisco. I love the atmosphere and the people and the scenery. It's gorgeous. If not there, I'm thinking Michigan or something. I'll figure it out.
Another thing I want to do is become more involved in charity work. I have a few specific things in mind that I would like to help out and volunteer for but I need to find out the main organisations in the UK.
For now though, I'm happy to stay in Edinburgh.
I'll work it out from there.

New-ish Jess
To be fair, it's not so much 'new' as 'retro' Jess.
I've been wearing skirts and dresses on a pretty constant basis all summer which is something I used to do before I started High School at age eleven. I love dresses and skirts. I was a big girly-girl growing up and it was nice not to have my legs covered in jeans which have been a staple of my wardrobe since 2007.
I love jeans, don't get me wrong. Skinny jeans make me smile and they're warm and I don't find them uncomfortable. They're also very... I don't know. They're homey. Does that even make sense? They're comfortable anyway.
So, I decided to wear more dresses, etcetera. This means I'll have to buy more and also tights or something for Winter but, like my life, I'll figure that out as I go along as well :)

I don't really know what else there is to say. The Fringe was great this year! Loved the Comedy shows!
Going to leave a couple of pictures from the last two months here...
xoxo

Harry Potter and Holyrood Palace, Edinburgh

Right, so I meant to write this a while ago but everything with Cory kind of... I took it harder than I could have expected.
Anyway, three weeks ago (12th July), two of my second cousins came over with my great aunt. I decided to take them out for the day. First, we went to the National Museum of Scotland which was great. The kids (ages seven and nine) really enjoyed seeing the animals (stuffed, obviously) and the other things there. After that, we decided to go for something to eat so we went to The Elephant House which is famous for being known as where J. K. Rowling wrote part of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. I think it so anyway. We had some really great food there. I loved it. Then we walked up the road a bit to go get some frozen yoghurt. It was a great day overall. I loved spending time with the girls.
They seemed to like spending time with me too because they ended up staying the entire weekend. Awesome for them, tiring for me...
On Saturday (13th July), we paid a visit to Holyrood Palace after going to Dynamic Earth. That was really good. The girls loved learning about dinosaurs and stuff. If I'm completely honest, I can't remember much about it. That whole day's kind of... I don't know. That weekend was... Yeah...
But I remember loving the palace. Having grown up, wishing I was a princess, going to an actual palace and learning about the history and everything that had happened there hundreds of years ago... Well, it was incredible. The girls and my friend Jane (who had joined us that day) all really enjoyed it. I hadn't been there in about 13 years so it was a great day overall. We had something to eat at Dynamic Earth so we just went home after the palace and I cooked something for us (pasta and mince). Then we watched a Disney film. The night before, we'd watched 'Aladdin' so we ended up watching 'Enchanted'. It was a very happy two days.
I don't need to go into the next day but, yeah... Edinburgh's an amazing city which is something I seem to forget every now and then. I really enjoyed being a tourist in my home-city. I feel like you get to appreciate so many more things by doing that.

Rest In Peace Cory Monteith.

"Love is how you stay alive, even after you're gone." - Cory Monteith

Cory Monteith was born on the 11th of May 1982. He died on the 13th of July 2013. Last Saturday.
I don't think I'll ever forget what I was doing when I found out. My second cousins had been over to stay (the next post will probably be about that as it includes lots of Edinburgh things and it's a lot happier and more positive than this post will be due to the somber topic and my general need to express my feelings about it) and they'd woken me up at twenty to eight in the morning on Sunday. We were all on my bed when I got a Tweet alert saying that Taylor Swift had Tweeted. Her Tweet read 'Speechless. And for the worst reason.'. Being a huge Taylor Swift fan, I was automatically worried about her and wondered what had happened. I went onto Tumblr and got increasingly confused when I kept seeing posts about death so I moved on to Twitter instead. That's when I found out.
I remember reading countless Tweets about Cory and how he was dead and how horrible it all was. My mind immediately went to Lea, his girlfriend, and to the cast and his family and friends and all the other fans. I also remember my hand going to my mouth as I murmured 'No. No. No! Lea... Oh my God, Lea!', very much in denial. But I had two little girls asking me what was wrong so I couldn't burst into tears and grieve for him. I had to try and stay strong because breaking down in front of the girls wasn't an option.
So I did. I had sad periods and I wasn't as bubbly or as happy as I had been for the past few days. The girls and I talked about it but not in great detail and they were kind and gave me hugs and were good to me.
When my sister and my mother came over at about four thirty, the girls were leaving and I collapsed into my sister's arms, crying. I didn't stop crying until I went to sleep at about two in the morning the next day.
I went out with my mother and sister to get ice cream because I wanted ice cream and I thought I should get out of the house. Basically, it was an awful idea. I barely stopped crying during the whole car ride and broke down in the ice cream store when a friend called me to ask if I was okay. I was a mess and I went out too fast. I cried the whole way back and barely touched my ice cream.
My sister wanted to stay with me because she was so worried about me but I didn't let her. I think I wanted to be alone. I spent the night crying and watching the British version of Law and Order which I barely remember.
I also texted my best friend Jane and we had a semi-breakdown. We vowed our undying love for each other and commitment and promised to never leave each other. If we were a lesbian couple, I'm pretty sure we would have decided on a wedding date.
No. In all seriousness, it was incredibly sweet. And it made me feel a little better.
We met up the next day and she bought me a raspberry and white chocolate cooler thing and a cupcake from Costa. It was so good of her... I love her so much and am incredibly grateful for her kindness. She has been there for me through the whole thing and I'm not sure I would have coped without her support.
So many people are talking about how Cory died but I don't think it's important. I'm not saying that I won't remember him for his struggles because that's not true; I'll remember him for everything. He battled a difficult addiction and he tried to get better. He never took his life for granted and was so grateful to be alive. He was an incredible man and he will forever remain a hero in my eyes.
His favourite colour was blue. Just over a week after his death and I've worn the colour every day since. It's my way of honouring him.
I've also prayed for him every night since. I don't know why or if it's how I cope but it's helping. I'm not a particularly religious person and I'm actually agnostic but it's helping, like I said.
I don't really know what to say now. I'll leave you with a picture I posted to Instagram and the caption I posted with it the day I found out about his death. It was my own sort of tribute to Cory. 

My personal #candlelight tribute to Cory. I don't understand why you're gone, I don't think I ever will, but I will never forget you. Nor will I ever really get over your death. Even now, after hours of crying, I'm still breaking down every few minutes. I may not have known you personally but you were an incredible person and my heart breaks every time I think about what the world has lost. Rest In Peace Cory Monteith. Like you said, "Love is how you stay alive, even after you're gone." You'll never really die. Our eternal love for you will keep you alive in our hearts and minds.#RIPCoryMonteith #CoryMonteith #Glee#CandlesForCory #RestInPeace #PrayForLea #TragicYou took the midnight train going anywhere...#GoodbyeFrankenteen

Just A Random Thought...

So I was thinking a bit about time.
The other day, I met up with an old friend for coffee. I ended up telling her about something really horrible that happened to me about a year ago. It was something that made me have a panic attack, terrified and shocked me to my core and also made me consider something extreme (and also final. And deadly). For months afterwards, I was afraid to sleep and would cry every time I thought about it. You may think it sounds dramatic but this really shook me. A lot of bad things have happened in my life and I've always been strong enough to get through it on my own. It's just what I do. But this was something I wasn't sure I was strong enough to live through and that thought alone terrified me.
Anyway, I told my old friend about it and I didn't cry. It didn't even scare me to think about it. I stammered and I couldn't look at her the entire time I was talking but I didn't cry.
Thinking about time right now, I remembered this and it made me think about how time heals.
The wounds I have from that experience are still there and I don't think the scars will ever really go away. But they aren't bleeding anymore. Time healed it. With time, I learned to move on and accept the fact that I can't change it. I'll never be over it and I'll never forget it or forgive the person who did it to me but I can and have moved on from it.
Yes, it took a lot longer than most other things I've dealt with to begin to heal but I'm alive. It wasn't worth dying over.
It just makes me think about how close I came to giving in. That scares me too. The thought that I could have given up and ended everything.
I like to believe that there's always hope. That I may be sad today but there is always tomorrow to look forward to.
I hope I don't sound like I'm asking for pity or anything because I don't want it. So many people go through worse things every day and I feel terrible for moaning about it. I just wish I could hug everyone who's ever gone through something bad. But I can't.
Well... I'm going to go now.
The point is that I really do believe that time heals. The scars may remain but the initial hurt and pain fade with time.
I'm really going now... Sorry for the randomness of this. It doesn't really mean anything. Just my pondering.

Choosing Glee (Sort of a book review but not really)

Yesterday, I got a book in the mail yesterday. I wasn't expecting it (even though I, obviously, ordered it).
Anyway... I have never been one to sit down and read a book until it's finished. But I, seriously, couldn't put the book down. I sat on my bed, reading and doing the Heartwork, for three hours until the book was finished.
I am a positive person in general. I like to stay optimistic because I am hopeful in my future and that it will be better.
This book was... It was incredible. Jenna and I seem to have a great deal in common. Her outlook on life is, pretty much, identical to mine and her positive energy bursts from the book. I love it.
The book has ten chapters/rules to finding Inspiration, Happiness and the Real You.
Rule 1: Be Yourself
Rule 2: Know What You Want
Rule 3: 'Fear' Is Not The F Word
Rule 4: Ready Set... Screw Up
Rule 5: Expect The Unexpected
Rule 6: Get Off Your Butt
Rule 7: Never Say Never
Rule 8: Do Your Very Best
Rule 9: Jump In!
Rule 10: Take A Bow
In each chapter, she gives tips along with her own personal stories and other things related to the chapter title. There are also Heartwork Assignments that you can fill out or do. They are really good. I can't describe how motivated I feel. She really made me think about my life and put a lot of things in perspective for me. And she has a point! Her rules make sense and the questions she makes you ask yourself actually help. They make you think things through in a different way and she has suggestions for how you can do everything in a positive way.
I'm not going to go into detail about it but I felt like it was a very personal thing for me for some reason. Filling the Heartwork Assignments out with my honest answers... The book knows stuff about me that only me and the book know. It knows what I want for my future, from my silliest and wildest dreams to my genuine concerns. And it's all true (hence the word 'honest'). I am definitely going to keep this book close to me while I live out the years.
That's another good thing about it. The way it is written, you feel like Jenna is talking to you personally. As an individual. Specifically. I love that she has done it this way. I felt like I was talking to a friend (I didn't talk to the book but I did read it aloud for some reason). She's an incredible person and, although she's a Taurus and I'm a Capricorn, I really do feel that we have a lot in common and that she has helped me.
Everyone should read this book. Even if you're super successful and happy and rich and whatever.

So, if you are not me and reading this (Unlikely but, if you're me and you haven't looked at the book in a while, go pick it up and read it Jessica!), go buy it or something. Just read it and I promise it will make you feel more positive or help you feel motivated in some way.

Struck By Lightning

Okay, so I already posted tonight/this morning (It's 4:00AM! How did it get this late?!) but I wanted to post about something a little more positive (It's all about perspective, people). Yesterday (well, two days ago now...), I went to see the film 'Struck By Lightning' at Cineworld at the Edinburgh International Film Festival. I've got the book and I know the film's incredible - It's Chris Colfer, how could it not be? I'm totally not biased or anything... - because Chris is a brilliant actor. I've loved him on Glee since Season 1 and, since then, I've watched him turn into such an astounding young man (I sound old...). The fact that he wrote it and starred as the main character... Wow.
Also, Lauren Lopez (One of Darren Criss' best friends and fellow Starkid (Darren Criss is Chris' co star and boyfriend on Glee and Starkid is a production company Darren co-founded with some of his friends from Michigan University, I think)) was in it! She was a celibacy girl but I'm kinda pissed about that, if I'm being completely honest. Lauren is an incredible actor and I think she would have been perfect for the role of Remy Baker. She's amazing. Still. I'm glad she was in it. Even if I'm a little confused as to why she didn't get a more main role.
The film was well-written, had brilliant actors and had the perfect balance of hilarity and wit. I felt so proud watching it on a cinema screen. To see Chris' dreams come to life like that... I... It was indescribable. I'm just really proud of him and I'm looking forward to seeing Darren's film 'Girl Most Likely' in the cinemas soon as well. Although, it's not exactly the same, this is still a big deal for him and I'm going to be proud to see it.
If you get a chance, watch the film, read the book. Or watch it again if you're me. It may be tragic but it teaches a very valuable life lesson.
“I know I'm bitter and a little jaded, and mildly enjoy it, but am I a sad person? Am I happy? 
I plan on being happy in the future for sure, but it isn't here yet. So what does that make me, exactly?” 
My point with that quote is that you can't spend every day living for your future. I do it and I'm trying not to. Your future is coming but you have to live now, not in some imaginary world you want for your future because you never know what's going to happen.
"Life comes at you fast. It hits you and tries to escape and be expressed in any way possible. In a way, it's a lot like...lightning.” 

P.S. Thanks Emily Murphy! I don't know who you are but we got a free ticket thanks to you and I love you because of this. Sorry you were unable to make it though!

Figuring It Out

Unfortunately, this title is misleading. I am not, indeed, 'figuring it out'. It turns out growing up is kind of difficult. By 17, I was supposed to be driving my own car, working and, most importantly, I was supposed to know what my life was going to be from now on. But everything's so much more confusing when it's not all just naive planning. I want to figure my life out, I really do. But I have so many different ideas... I want to sing, I want to sing with children... I probably have more but I kinda got lost in thinking about New York (No idea where that came from. Now, I'm thinking about the beauty of Golden Retrievers... My thought process is confusing). Anyway... Last week, I handed my CV (Curriculum Vitae. Sorry. Had an impulse to write the actual words for some reason) into a hairdressers in Morningside last week. I also applied for a Nursery Assistant job apprenticeship thingy though so I, obviously, am clueless. I don't have specific reasons for wanting the apprenticeship at the hairdressers. I think it would be fun and I'd enjoy learning how to do it, etcetera. I know I'd work hard at it. The apprenticeship at the nursery though... My reasons are so pathetic it's laughable. I want to do it because... Damn. Okay. I've always wanted kids. Always. My mum wasn't there for me like I needed her to be and I've never really felt like anyone in my family has true loyalty to me. Besides myself, obviously. So I've always wanted to be that for someone else. To bring my kids up in the way I wish I had been. With unconditional love and support. If my kids want to be a dinosaur when they grow up, I'll buy them a costume. If they want to be a singer, I'll pay for lessons. If they want to go and see their favourite musician in concert, I'll do whatever it takes to get them there. If they're upset, I'll buy ice cream and we'll spend the night talking and watching Disney movies. If they're gay, I'll embarrass them by pointing out attractive people who I think they'd look good with when we go out sometimes. Who am I kidding? I'll do that either way. The point it that I want to be the best mother I can be. And working with kids is like practice sort of. Not even going into how much I love kids in general. I know this probably sounds really pathetic and kinda lame but it's how I feel. My mum tries so hard with me sometimes and I want to let her in but it's been so long I don't even know how to anymore. My gran, practically, brought me up. I spent most of my childhood with her. I don't even know how to talk to my mum sometimes and I don't really respect her in a parental way because she's not really been that for me. And I know how horrible that sounds and I feel like a terrible person because she tries so hard and it should be easy for me to let her in completely... But, sometimes, I'll say something and she won't understand it or I'll open up about how upset I am about something that's going on in a certain celebrity I like's life and she'll tell me to stop talking about it or she just won't care. When I have kids and they come to tell me that so and so has done this and they're really upset about it, I'm going to listen and actually care because it's upsetting them. I thought that's what being a parent was: listening to your child and trying to help them out even if you don't understand or think it's silly. Nevermind. I didn't mean this to turn into a rant about my mum. I really do love her. She bought me two Barbie doll houses and supported me with my dreams of going to MGA. I feel like such a bitch for complaining. And my childhood wasn't miserable. My gran did awesome! I would get Princess dresses and other nice clothes and she even bought me a dog. She's amazing. I guess I always expected more from them and they couldn't give that to me.
I was attacked last year, something that very nearly broke me (In ways I don't really want to explain right now) and I needed their unconditional love and support. But it wasn't there. They weren't loyal to me and still aren't being loyal to me. That's why I'm so... distant, I guess. I don't feel like they did the right thing and I can't forgive that. I'm one of those people that, when something or something does something that I find so inherently wrong or unforgivable, I don't forgive it. I give second chances to people I find deserving of them but, if you do something I would kill you for doing to my own child, I'll be like an ice queen to you and I will freeze you out of my life completely. I have to protect myself because no one else will.
Sorry... If anyone ever reads this far, kudos to you. You're a saint. This really has become like a diary... I should write more.
Here's to hoping something good comes out of either option!
Jess xoxo

An Edinburgh Girl

I changed my name again. If anyone knows me, they should know that I'm indecisive. I think I changed my Twitter name about fifty or sixty times before deciding on the one I have now (msjessjohnston). My first Twitter name was JessJohnstonR1. Because my name is Jessica Johnston and my register class in High School was R1 (Raeburn 1). After that, it varied from JessJohnton17 to MissEnchantedUK (after the Taylor Swift song). Then it was a few other ones and, now, I'm content.
So, I changed the blog name because I decided to.
It is now 'An Edinburgh Girl' because I like the fact that, wherever I go or whatever I'm doing, I'll always be that. I could live in Spain but I'll always be An Edinburgh Girl. Also, Edinburgh Girl was taken so... But I still like the name.
Not that I truly believe anyone but me will ever read this but I like to think that, when I look over this or add to it in the next few years, I'll be able to smile and remember the good times I had in Edinburgh. I don't know why but I feel like I'm going to move at some point. And I want to remember this city because it really is very important to me. It's home.

Darren Dream (Yes, I mention a dream I had last night. It's brief. Deal with it)

So, Darren Criss started his #ListenUp tour last night at the Fillmore in San Francisco. First, I'd like to say that I am incredibly proud of him. I can't understand the fact that I feel so much for a man I have never met before and probably will never meet but I do. I just think he really deserves this. He's worked so hard for everything he's done and he's got and it's because of that fact (and his unbelievable) talent that he has it all.
Not to mention who he is as a person. I mean, he is amazing. Beyond his talent, he's intelligent, speaks fluent Italian and has an addictive personality. He will spend hours signing autographs for fans and he wrote a fricking letter to his fans the night The Break-Up aired on television (October 4th 2012. Here's a link to the letter, if you would like it https://www.facebook.com/darrencriss/posts/10151069497289147). Technically, the note was posted on the fifth at 33 minutes past midnight but still.
(I'd also like to point out that he had his mom drop him and his brother off to the venue of his first tour. If that doesn't make him the cutest thing to ever exist besides Blaine Anderson and puppies then I don't understand you)
He's just an incredible person. I wish him every success in the world and I truly can't wait to see him achieve all his dreams - both known and undiscovered.
Anyway, the dream part...
Right. Uhm, so I went to sleep earlier than I normally would (Ever since I finished school, my sleeping pattern has been totally fricked) and the dream started. What was weird about it though was that I woke up at three points in the night and, every time I fell back to sleep, the dream would continue where I left off. That doesn't normally happen. It also ended before I woke up for the last time so that was strange. Dreams don't normally 'end' for me; they just stop.
The Dream.
I went to sleep as normal and then woke up in a venue of some sort. Then Darren came out and started playing and I realised I was at his concert. I went with it for a while, took videos, etcetera and ended up talking to this really sweet girl called Anna and I stuck with her for the rest of the time. We danced and sang along to his songs and it was amazing.
When the concert finished, I was kind of at a loss for what to do (seeing as I was in America and I live in Britain and I didn't have anything with me besides my clothes and my phone for some reason. And my phone didn't even have credit so that was pointless. Anna gave me some money and we went for a bit of a wander.
When I got to the airport, I explained my situation to a security person who called my mum and said I'd been gone for two days. Anyway, it cost me £99 to get home and I got booked on a flight.
I thought it was a little bit strange but, at least, I was at the concert in spirit or whatever.
The next time Darren goes on tour, I really hope I can go. He's just breathtaking. His solos on Glee are flawless (I vote Blaine has a solo or sings lead or something in every episode) and his songs are brilliant. To see him perform would be... Words can't describe it.
I also need to see Taylor Swift in concert at some point in my life. I care about her the same way I care about Darren. I could write a book on them both and how much admiration and love I have for the two of them.
Anyway, I think I'm done. So, goodbye for now :)
Jess xoxo

X Factor Failure

Today, I got up at 5:00AM (After an hour and a half's sleep...) and got dressed and ready to leave the house shortly after six. My mum picked me up and we went to collect my best friend Jane (who said she'd come with me) from her house. After that, we paid £21.80 for return train tickets to Glasgow. When we got there, we got another train to the SECC where the auditions were being held. We were then made to wait for three hours in the cold and pouring rain (my feet were so numb I was worried they'd fall off) while certain TV people did TV stuff (Dermot O'Leery was there). We had to 'Woo' and cheer etcetera along with some 'silent cheering'. It was awful and I was freezing. I get why they did it and I'm not trying to be rude or anything. It was just really cold. We then walked around from the BBC building to the SECC. After that, I waited another three hours (6 hours in total, if you're counting) until my row (somewhere in 'sector' K or something) got called down to audition. By this point, I was tired and desperate to go home.
The audition itself was awful. I got into the little black 'box' type thing and met a lovely man called Barney who looked quite young (mid-twenties maybe?). He was really nice and kind and he had a matching 'Saint Christopher (Patron Saint of Travelling thing on his neck (I wear a silver necklace my mum got me for my 16th birthday with Saint Christopher engraved or whatever into the silver) thingy around his neck. He asked me a few questions and I answered them (couldn't tell you what those questions were or what I answered). After that, he told me to sing. So I did. And that's when everything else went wrong. I sang 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift and it was terrible. I didn't know where to look or what to do with my hands and I looked at him (Barney) a few times because I was panicking about whether or not eye-contact was good whilst singing a song. He stopped me just before I got to the 'And what if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you' bit and said 'I'm sorry but it's a 'no'. I think I said something after that but I don't remember what. I just tried to get out and find Jane. When I did, we left and went back to the train station.
I wasn't surprised as such. Nevertheless, I felt embarrassed and like I wasn't good enough. I know it's ridiculous but I think it's an automatic response to rejection. No matter what I told myself about me not being that bad of a singer, suddenly there was Barney's voice telling me that I wasn't any good. Maybe I was good but just not 'X Factor' good. I don't know. The whole thing's just humiliating. I'm not upset at a 'missed opportunity' or whatever. The rejection isn't nice though and I feel sick and embarrassed whenever I think about it. Yes, it's only been a few hours (seven to be exact) but it's still raw. I was also a little annoyed at the fact that I'd barely slept and that my mum and best friend had gotten up early for absolutely no reason. I felt guilty (still do).
The X Factor is a good show and I'm so happy for everyone who got that precious 'Golden Ticket' to a second audition but I don't think I'll ever audition again. I don't want to feel that embarrassed again and I'm, clearly, not good enough anyway.
Not sure what else to say. That was my X Factor experience. Good luck to everyone who gets through and does well etcetera. I really am happy for them.

X Factor

So, I got an email back after applying (In December) for the X Factor UK. My audition is tomorrow morning (Wednesday 1st May) at 8:00AM in Glasgow. I live in Edinburgh and I don't know anything about Glasgow, much less how to get to places from the Train Station. I'm extremely worried because I'm going on my own and that's terrifying. I really don't know what to do. I don't even know what song I'm going to sing when I get there! Nor do I have any money to get there with. I'll have to figure something out. Thankfully, I know the lyrics to hundreds of songs due to repeated singing of random songs. I can recite almost any song Taylor Swift has in her albums (Need to brush up a bit on her first album but I'm good with the others) and I know a majority of the songs Glee has covered. I'm considering singing 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift but I always get really emotional. That might be a good thing but I'm not sure. I could always go with a Darren Criss song from his album 'Human' or 'Teenage Dream'. I'm in a bit of a muddle. Hopefully, I'll figure it out but it will most-likely be very last-minute and slapdash. Unlike those of the auditionees that have been planning for this their whole lives. I feel like such a mess... Oh well. Wishing myself luck :S

I Don't Know What I Want But That's Okay

Sometimes, you just have to stay in bed on your own and listen/sing along to Taylor Swift's new album Red all day. That's what I've been doing so far. I kind of had a mini-mid-mid-life crisis. I was frustrated. Everyone's talking about getting into college and university etcetera and I'm not moving forward at all. I'm aware that I'm not very smart or really very special at all in any unique way. I used to be semi-okay with that but everything just kind of started to sink in all at once. My friends, like Rachel and Kurt in the most episode of Glee (4x20), were pressuring me to move on and find something to do etcetera and I found myself trapped. Of course I'm ashamed and embarrassed about the fact that my life isn't going anywhere but their questions/advice, no matter how well they mean all of it, is just making me feel even worse.
Anyway, I really related to Santana's storyline in this episode because I'm in a similar position. The scene with Isabelle Wright was really nice. I loved it.

Santana: Listen, I really love dancing. I'm just not like you guys. I don't know what I wanna do or how I'm even gonna get there.
Isabelle: But you have plenty of time to figure it out. And it doesn't have to be ballet or Broadway. Just as long as it's something that you love, something that feeds your soul. And Santana, baby steps are okay.

That scene was like something I wish would happen in my life. I really love singing but I have absolutely no idea what I want to do or how I'm going to get there. Unfortunately, I don't have an Isabelle in my life to tell me everything's going to be okay and the fact that I don't know what I want or where I'm going in life is okay just now because I don't have to yet; I'll figure it out eventually.
I finish High School next Thursday (2nd May) and the day after's my 'Fun Day' with the entire year (We'll just see how that goes... I might be dressing up as Robin from 'Batman and Robin' but I don't have a Batman so... I spent £30 on that stupid costume though. Hmm... I suppose I could always be a Princess... We'll see), Prom's June 14th (Still need to buy my fricking dress) and then I think I'm officially graduated but I'm not entirely sure. I don't know what the future holds for me but I'll get by. Hopefully. Anyway, yeah... Don't really know what else to say... Bye!

A Day And A Half Without Sleep

Last night, I went to my friend Jane's house for a catch up. A couple of my other friends came too and we had fun eating Chinese food and talking etcetera. We went home (Not Jane, obviously) at about 12:30PM. I couldn't sleep though so I ended up just staying up.
Didn't do much today really. Can't even remember to be honest. One thing I did do through boredom was go on Omegle.
I ended up talking to a someone who is unhappy. All I know about them is that they're school-age and lives somewhere in America. I think they're a couple of years younger than me and I haven't determined a gender yet.It doesn't matter though.What does matter is that they're unhappy and they feel alone. I can't deal with this. It's horrible. No one should ever have to feel alone. I've tried to remind them that there is so much love waiting out there, you just have to find it. That you should never give up because when you end your life, you don't just lose the obvious, you lose your potential and everything you could have been and done. What if you're supposed to be the next Darren Criss or something? You need to keep fighting because it might not be good today but it could always be better tomorrow. I've been talking to this person for about an hour or so. I gave them my Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube and Facebook details and also my email address in case they ever felt alone or upset or something and needed someone to talk to.
I don't know if they'll use it or not. I just needed them to know that they weren't alone and that I care about them. I can't stand the thought of them suffering in silence and feeling like no one cares. I've done that and, if I can prevent even one person from doing it too then I'll feel a little better.
I'm still talking to them now. I'm doing my best to help them but their depression is getting in the way. It's painful. I'm trying to help and I will continue to tell them anything I think will help (All the truth though. I'm not going to lie to them). It's breaking my heart though. This person seems like such a genuinely good person but, because of bullying and several other factors, they're miserable. I need to go and give them a hug.
I'm going to continue to talk to them for as long as I can without falling asleep because I can't leave them just yet. Especially when I don't know if I'll ever hear from them again. I'm so worried about this person. I need to know they'll be okay and I don't yet. It's horrible. Anyway, I'm going to get back to my conversation with them. Bye or something.

13 Days...

Woah... It's been 13 days since I last wrote anything. In that time, I had my first 'Saturday Night Out' for my best friend's 18th (We went to some random bar near town and her cousin and a few of his friends joined us later. Nothing too interesting. I was mostly laughed at for my severe lack of knowledge in knowing where any countries are. Sorry if I'm not a fricking map or atlas or Google. It's not like knowing where Chile is is going to be super important to me in my future is it? (If it is, I'll learn where the frick it is but, until then, I'm completely content with not giving a flying frick. No offence to Chile or anyone who lives there or whatever). Not much else happened really), read 'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green (I'd actually been meaning to do this for a while. I cried at Chapter 13 and at several points after that because I have a problem of feeling too much for characters etcetera and imagining myself in their positions. As a whole, the book was incredible. It made me laugh, cry, smile and actually think about things. I only have one question for John Green: What the Hell happened to Hazel afterwards? Did she die? Did she live? What did she do? Damn you John Green for leaving me to ponder so many things. Still an excellent book), wrote a few songs and went to Barcelona for a week (Left on the 24th March (The day after my first ever night out) and got back on April Fools Day (Also known as the Mishapocalypse on Tumblr). I stayed with my aunt, uncle and their three-year-old. It was noisy and I needed space after a few days of non-stop 'sightseeing'. Seriously, we were out every single day! The constant running around added to the never-ending noise and the lack of privacy drove me mad! After much, much arguing with my aunt, she let me stay in on my own for the day. The computer was off, I didn't know how to work the TV and I wasn't allowed to touch anything. I felt a bit like a five-year-old to be honest. But it was quiet! Oh so quiet! Unfortunately, that quietness only lasted five hours and then it was back to noise. It was good while it lasted though. Later that same night, my aunt and uncle's married friends Sandra and Paco and Geordie and Ruth came over for dinner. They were all very lovely and they tried to speak English with me which was nice (I also attempted to speak some Spanish). The next day, we met Sandra, Paco and their adorable little puppy. We went to this small town in Spain called 'Besalu'. It was so beautiful there. I could have spent the entire day wandering around. I swear, it looked like something out of a fairytale. Not really sure what else to say about my trip. I had some fun, had some bad times but, in the end, I was glad I went. My aunt's suggested I move there for a while but I'm not sure. I'd rather have an idea of what my life's going to be before I do anything that drastic). Since then, I've been in bed, sick. I've caught up with friends and TV shows (Let's Get Ready To Rhumble is number fricking one in the UK!!! So happy! Go Ant and Dec!) and tried to focus on getting better.
I also got an email from the Murray Grant Academy for the Performing Arts. They said I could pay 200 and something pounds per month instead of paying the £1250 deposit and then a bunch of money each month. It's my last chance and I'm still stunned to have even gotten another one. I know what I want to do but, again, I don't know if I can do it. In my dream last night, I was in a music video type thing. I was walking around, seeing myself at different stages of my life and doing different things whilst singing the song 'Never Grow Up' by Taylor Swift. The dream ended with me sitting alone in my bedroom, holding a photo of me when I was two in my hands. I looked up at myself and who I am now in the mirror. I looked sad, lost even. It wasn't nice. It was also quite dark in my bedroom. One part of the song in particular kinda keeps swirling around in my mind:
'Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
I could still be littleOh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple'
I really wish I could be back there sometimes. In my past. Getting Princess dresses every year at Christmas time, playing 'Twin Sisters' with my best friend Jane in my Primary School Playground. Things were a lot simpler. Then again, I can't live in the past. Living in the past only prevents you from growing in the future. I can wish away my problems as much as I want but it's only going to hold me back. It's not going to erase the problems from my life.Wishing on a star will only get you so far. If I want my problems to go away, I have to figure out a way to solve them myself. I'll get there... someday. I honestly believe that.

Feeling Reflective...

I phoned MGA today and told them that I couldn't take the place. It was the worst phone call I have ever had to make. Mainly because I didn't want to make it. As soon as I hung up, I started crying. I guess you never realise how much you want something until you can no longer have it. I think it was saying it out loud that made it real and knowing that I had to accept it now. It's finally over. The dream is dead.
For now.
I'm not giving up entirely. I just have to find some alternate routes to get there. I will though. Someday. Hopefully. I'm never going to lose hope. I can't do that.
The thing is, if you really believe in yourself and what you can do (which is what I'm trying to do), then you can do anything. It might take a while and you might have to work really hard but you can get there. I really believe that. On Sunday, I'm going to Barcelona for a week. I kinda need a break from Edinburgh and what has been the best and worst month of my life. I need to do some 'soul-searching' or whatever. I plan on coming home and taking a few classes or something, hopefully getting a job and trying again next year. I just need to save a bit of money first. Or maybe I won't got to MGA. Maybe I'll end up somewhere completely different. Whatever happens, I'll be okay. I have to believe that. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to but it's okay because there will be other things that do. You might just have to wait a little longer for them. And I'll wait for however long I need to. As long as I get there in the end.

Random Thoughts and Inner Turmoil (More 'Confusion' but whatever)

Today (or tomorrow as it's officially Midnight here in the UK), I stayed inside. I didn't sing as much and I didn't dance around my bedroom (or anywhere else in the house) at all. This means I'm depressed or sad or something. I'm not used to being sad. I normally try and distract myself somehow but it didn't work today. I lay around the house (mostly my bedroom) feeling sorry for myself over my lack of a future. I figure I'm allowed to. I came face to face with my dreams, the potential future I could have. It was so close I could almost taste it. The friends I would have, the dreams that would come true, the songs I would sing... Everything was finally falling into place but, now that my hopes and dreams have been shattered within seconds before even properly becoming a possibility, I am left right back where I started: alone, confused and scared. I'm scared because MGA was something that was real. It was a chance to prove to myself that I was better than what I imagined. That I actually mattered in this world somehow. Now that I've tasted the happiness I could have, I don't want to let it go and I hate that I have to! I auditioned on a whim to see if I could actually do it, never believing for a second that I could get in, but I got a place and I wanted it so badly. It sucks!
So, now, I'm sitting at my computer in my dark bedroom at seven minutes past midnight writing down my thoughts and feelings on something nobody's ever going to see or care about. It's like I'm talking to a therapist only this blog can't give me advice or take notes to refer back to later (not actually sure if that's what therapists do so I apologise for any false statements).
Maybe I'll take a year to go and 'find myself' or something. I never understand what people mean by that though. How can you 'find yourself'? To me, that makes no sense but I'm willing to try and find out what it means so that I can do it too. Just anything that'll give me something to focus on besides the shreds my dreams are being cut into.
I just feel like everyone's moving forward except me. My best friend got an unconditional to Edinburgh University, my other friend's going off to College and my last friend (Yes, I know it's pathetic that I only have three friends but I would have more if I could go to MGA. Damn it!) has a conditional to do a Drama thing at university. Getting that place at MGA made me feel like I was moving forward too. For once, I didn't feel like a failure. I wasn't just the 'stupid' one. I mattered and I was proud of myself.
I keep telling myself that 'everything happens for a reason' but what's the reason for this? What good is going to come from me not being able to go to my dream school and have friends who, not only respect what I want to do in life but, want the same things? What good is going to come from me being unhappy for another year or however long it takes for something good to happen?
I know I sound extremely ungrateful or whatever but I don't mean to.
Ever since I can remember, I have pinned all my hopes and dreams on 2013; the year I turned 17.
I was going to learn how to drive, finally move out and away from my family, go to college or university and do something I love, maybe even get a boyfriend. I was supposed to be happy. Truly happy. 2013 was supposed to be the year that everything changed for the better but none of that stuff's happened. I haven't learnt how to drive yet, I haven't moved out, I won't go to college or university because I'm not clever enough and don't have the money to pay for the school I want to go to and I don't have a boyfriend because, I guess, I'm just not pretty enough.
I'm trying really hard to see the silver lining to all of this and to stay optimistic but what if there isn't a silver lining? What if I'm just not meant to find true happiness or whatever? I guess, I'll just have to deal with it and hope something good happens soon.

On the upside, I did read Darren Criss' LiveJournal posts (someone posted them on Tumblr. I'm not a stalker, I promise) so they cheered me up for about ten minutes. He had some very random thoughts at 17. He should just write a book about all his thoughts. I'd read it.

Gotta Get Back To Hogwarts

Seriously need to stop quoting songs... I'll try and come up with an original title for my next post.

Anyway, the song I've taken my title from is from one of the best musicals ever created: 'A Very Potter Musical'. The song, 'Get Back To Hogwarts', is also brought back for the two sequels 'A Very Potter Sequel' and 'A Very Potter Senior Year'. On Friday (Also known by Klaine fans as Klaine's Two Year Anniversary), Team Starkid (The incredible, talented, inspiration group of people behind the parody musicals as well as others they have created such as 'Starship', 'Me and My Dick' and the infamous 'Space Tour. Not to mention the amazing 'Little White Lie') released the final instalment of their Harry Potter musicals onto YouTube.
I first found out about Team Starkid and 'AVPM' and 'AVPS' in 2010 (about a year after it came out), I think, when my friend Laura showed me a bit of 'AVPM' on her laptop. She was so excited about it and could sing all of the songs. At first, I didn't really get it but Laura insisted I went home and watched the rest of the musical. I did that and fell in love with everyone involved after that. It took me a little while until I watched the second musical though.

When I saw Darren Criss on Glee Season 2, episode 6 'Never Been Kissed', I didn't recognise him. I did, however, fall in love with Klaine (Kurt had been my favourite character up until then. As well as Rachel and Finn). Then I fell in love with Darren. His charisma, his charm and his overall everything (Putting into words how incredible (even that isn't a good enough word for him. Perfect might be closer but that's not quite good enough either). I'm also in love with Chris [Colfer] which is why I have read both his books (He's an incredible writer, it's unbelievable how talented he is. I'm so proud of everything he has accomplished so far and I can't wait to see him (and Darren) progress in the future. I know they'll both achieve so many things. I'm sure most of the Glee cast will) and watched his independent movie which he wrote himself. Didn't like seeing him die so much though. I actually cried... Anyway, this is about Darren and the rest of Team Starkid not my pathetic infatuation with the Glee actors and actresses... Yeah, so, I Googled Darren (Because I'm a creep and wanted to see more of his work) and found out he was in (and wrote some of the songs for) both of those musicals ('AVPM' and 'AVPS'). I then watched them both (The second one was my favourite) and fell even more in love with, not only Darren, but the entire cast. As the years went on (I say that like it was decades ago or something when it was really only the end of the last decade and this decade. What the frick am I going on about right now?), I watched 'Little White Lie', learnt the lyrics to all of the songs on Darren's EP 'Human' and learnt most of the lyrics to most of the songs in the musicals.

I was so excited when I heard that Team Starkid were going to release the last Potter musical they would ever do but I was also heartbroken. I don't want it to end! They filmed it at the same time that the horrible Glee episode known as 'The Break Up' was shot which meant that Darren had to fly out for it (Thankfully, Glee peeps let him). I'm still not over Klaine's breakup and I doubt I ever will be. It sucks. And all because they weren't the best at communicating their feelings to each other! And some other little problems but I'm not thinking straight right now because it sucks that they broke up! NO!
Right... Back to 'AVPSY' before I have a mental breakdown (21, Eternity, Soulmates etcetera. Just remember this!!!). I watched a bit of it on Saturday morning (I stayed up for it because Darren was Tweeting and I got excited), a bit more on Sunday and the whole of the second Act today. Act 2, Scene 6 made me cry. Darren at the end! His eyes were filled with tears which broke me. It must have been so hard for him. He went to college with these people, they're his friends and he is one of the co-founders of Starkid Productions. I'm not entirely sure if this is true but I think this might have been his last show with Starkid. At least for the foreseeable future. He just doesn't have time right now what with Glee and 'Imogene'/'Girl Most Likely' to promote. Plus, as he gets more and more established as an actor and gets more famous and more roles, he will have even less time. Not to mention if he brings out another album (God, I hope he brings out another album!). It must have been very emotional for him to be in that role again for the last time with all of his friends from college. I felt like his 'Totally Awesome' at the end before he walked off with Ron (I think that's what happened but my eyes were brimming with tears so I could be wrong about that) was a 'Goodbye' of sorts. Damn it Darren! Why do you have to keep breaking my heart?!

The point is that it was incredible, mind-blowing, sad (In the bittersweetest of ways and unforgettable. Team Starkid are sure to have brilliant careers and I can't wait to watch them do it (Sounding a bit like a creep but oh well. I'm proud of them!). Lauren Lopez (Draco Malfoy in the Potter Parodies) has already brought out an awesome Recipe Book and has even been in Chris Colfer's film 'Struck By Lightning' (Although, in my opinion, she should have been given a bigger role. She. Is. Flawless! And so talented). Joey Richter (who lives with Darren in LA and plays Ron Weasley) has been on Disney Channel's 'Jessie' (I think that's what it's called) and was even an 'Adam's Apple' (Not a bit fan of Adam to be honest. I don't mind him being friends with Kurt but I ship Klaine. Why can't Blaine fly to New York and tell Adam to 'Stay away from his future husband' like Finn did with Brody? (OMG! Awesome moment! Go Finn!)) on Glee! I know the others have had some awesome accomplishments but Joey and Lauren are two of my favourites (along with Darren, Joe Moses (One-man Showses), Brian Holden and the Lang's of course. Also love Meredith, Dylan Saunders, Joe Walker and Brian Rosenthal) so I thought I'd mention them.
Going to miss Darren working with Team Starkid as he is truly home when he is with them but I wish them all the luck in the world for their future. If you haven't watched the musicals then I really urge you to. Even if you hate musicals! Watch it and I dare you not to be impressed. I guess, now that I've seen them all, I'll go back to the start. Where it all began.

I don't wanna see you go, but it's not forever, not forever! Even it was, you now that I would never let it get me down. You're the part of me that makes me better, wherever I go! So I will try not to cry-- but no one needs to say goodbye...
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts, it's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends, to Gryffindors! Hufflepuffs! Ravenclaws! Slytherins! Back to the place where our story begins at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! "Man, I'm glad we went back!"

P.S. I stole all of the pictures! Consider me a big old photo-thief :P

Now Life Has Killed The Dream I Dreamed

Yes, I quoted the 'Les Miserables' song in my title. It was the only way I could sum up my feelings right now.
As you might be able to tell (Or remember as I'm the only one who will read this. Probably), I'm a little depressed right now. This is over-dramatic  I know but today pretty much confirmed that I won't be able to go to MGA Academy for the Performing Arts. At least not this year anyway. I went to the bank today but, apparently, they don't do any student loans. I have never net nicer, more friendly and talented people in my entire life and, I know it sounds silly to say but, I really felt like my life would change for good (Yes, now I've quoted 'Wicked' too) if I did this course. Singing is something I have always wanted to do and I would have loved to learn how to do it properly and act and dance as well. For the first time in my life, I was willing to work really hard for what I wanted. I've tried being optimistic and I'm still hopeful that a miracle will happen and I will find a way to make sure I am able to go this year. If I can't find a way somehow, I might just try and work really hard for the next year. Go to some dance classes, try and appear in a few shows. Technically, I'm starting this a bit late but it is something that I really want and I can't give up on it. I just really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm all alone with this. I have to do it completely on my own and I thought it would be okay but, apparently, I need people more than I thought.
Oh well... This sucks.

Dancing With Myself

So, ever since I got my acceptance letter, I've kinda been panicking. It's really expensive and, if I somehow manage to do it, I'll have to do it on my own (Like, find out about financing etcetera on my own and take out a loan or whatever). It's been worrying me since Thursday 7th (Letter day). On one hand, this is my dream (well, not exactly but it will help towards my dream) and I don't want to end up as one of those people who regrets doing everything possible to achieve their dreams. On the other hand, it's going to be really difficult. I don't even know if I can get the money together by Sunday (17th). I'm, pretty much, the most panicked I've ever been in my entire life. Why didn't I think about all of this before I auditioned? Oh yeah, because I'm an idiot! No, truthfully, I never actually thought I'd get in in the first place. I didn't think I was good enough (still don't) and I'm genuinely confused as to how it happened. Anyway, that's what I need to figure out this week. I also need to keep this from my family. My gran doesn't really care, my aunt is just focussing on all of the negatives and my mum is trying but she doesn't need to worry about this. I am perfectly capable of handling it on my own. Like I've done with most things.
As for the title, it refers to a song that was covered on Glee where Artie had a dream sequence type thing and got up and did this crazy dance thing in a shopping centre (mall). I've been trying to lift up my spirits by dancing around my house in my pyjamas. (What am I talking about? I do that when I'm not sad!). I've been singing and dancing around my bedroom and the kitchen (Kinda difficult to really dance in the shower what with it being so slippery but I do try. I also dance a little in the hall and living room when people are out but my dancing's mostly refrained to the kitchen (when I'm making food) and my bedroom) a bit more than often though (that's probably not true).
I'm hoping the next few days go a bit better but, whatever happens, one thing's for sure; AVPSY is coming out on YouTube on Klaine's 2-year Anniversary! Their Klainiversary, if you will (I'm so embarrassed of myself right now but I'm also really excited so I don't care that much)! I can't wait! I'm sure it'll be incredible (Because Starkid are incredible. In fact, there aren't any words awesome enough to describe them. The point is that it will be perfection). I have a feeling that it's going to be quite bittersweet though. On one hand, I'm really excited to see it because I've been looking forward to seeing this since I found out they were doing it while Darren was filming 'The Break Up' episode back in July. On the other hand though (Yes, it's the second time I've done this in this little blog thing but I don't care), it's the last Harry Potter themed musical that Starkid are going to do and it's going to be really sad when it ends. I don't want it to end! There's also the thought about what Darren was filming on Glee at this time. That's not too happy. Oh well...

Frick.

I would love to have chosen a better title for this post but I feel like that one word manages to sum up all my feelings perfectly.
Today was my audition. I was looking forward to it (even though I was extremely nervous and terrified). I thought that the dancing would be funny, the acting horrible and the singing easy. I was wrong. The dancing was horrible! I was trying to smile but I couldn't do it and my leg didn't go very high and it was all a disaster. And I pulled a muscle or something in my right leg so it was all really painful (this is what happens when people who never exercise do even the tiniest bit). I'm sure the dance teacher person thought I was a joke. Probably not actually. He seemed too nice. Still. I was pretty bad.
The acting wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be but it was still bad. The thing is though, I actually tried really hard and I knew my lines! I'll admit that I only learnt it the hour before the audition started but I had it, I really did! I practised in the bathroom a few times and I knew it really well and I was having fun. As soon as I entered the room though, it all went in the pooper. I was awful. I kept messing up the lines and getting flustered. Basically, I was dreadful.
And as for the singing... This was the one area that I was confident in. I was sort of looking forward to it actually. I knew both songs off by heart and I was ready to sing even though I've never sung (properly) in front of more than one other person. I got in there, started singing 'Hopelessly Devoted To You' after singing a really quick snipit of 'Locked Out Of Heaven' because one of the directors didn't know what song it was. I got to the end of the chorus and they stopped me (obviously, I panicked). Anyway, they told me they wanted more power or something. I am not a belter. Therefore, I continued panicking. I then had to shout for a few times and I don't think I did it right then either. They didn't ask to hear 'Locked Out Of Heaven'.
After a ridiculous amount of apologies, I left the room (only two apologies but still). I talked to the friends I had made that day about how awful it had went. It was one of those moments when you realise that the thing you're most proud of about yourself, your greatest skill is actually not very good at all. I feel like crap. I was, obviously, too awful for them to be able to stand hearing me sing another song. Or wreck it rather.
I stayed for a while after that until the end and listened to a director talk about the course. It's really interesting and it'll suck when I get that letter saying I haven't made it into the course. Oh well. I tried, I suppose. There's always next year...
On a lighter note, when I got home, I discovered that the 'Girl Most Likely' (or is it 'Imogene'? I don't know! There was a name change a while ago and it's all too confusing for me) trailer had been released. Being a fan of Darren Criss, the fact that he is in a new movie and is half-naked at times and is, generally  perfection brought my mood up a little. I'm so proud of him! He'll never know (nor will he ever care) but I am so happy for him. He is one of the most talented people I have ever had the pleasure of watching on TV and YouTube and I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. Just going to have to ignore the fact that Kristen Wiig (Is that how you spell her name?) gets to kiss him, dance with him, pretend to have a crush on him or whatever and pretend to have had sex with him or I'll get extremely jealous. Screw it, I'm already jealous. That's not the point though. I'm really proud of him and I can't wait to see his new movie when it comes out later this year.

It's Today, It's Today!

Yes, I just quoted 'Stuart Little' in my title. No, I will not apologize for it.
Anyway, my audition's today! I can't really believe it. My plan for yesterday kind of collapsed. I ended up spending most of the day shopping for stuff for today and then I went to the Disney store. Bad idea. As soon as I got near the store, I turned into a five year old and, all of a sudden, everything I saw was 'Awesome' and needed to be touched, gazed at longingly or played with. I picked up a Sleeping Beauty doll which said 'Aurora' but I complained (more whined than complained and not really. I think I was too happy to complain properly) because she was, clearly, wearing clothes from before she knew she was Aurora. The doll was actually Briar Rose. The person who worked there was really sweet! I said I wanted to move in and she said she thought more people like me should work in the store (she said this after realising that I was right about Briar Rose). I guess we know where I'm handing my CV into next... I managed to persuade my mum to buy me a mug with a Dalmation on it from the film '101 Dalmations'. It was the awesomest thing ever! If I ever get a boyfriend, I'll wait until we're married and he's legally stuck with me forever before I go into a Disney store with him. Wouldn't want to terrify him. That said, I'm gonna need someone to actually find me attractive enough to want to date me. Chances are slim but I'm holding out hope.
Anyway, my audition! I got back late and watched 'Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway' (whilst drinking vanilla hot chocolate out of my awesome new mug!) and then got to learning my monologue. But I didn't really learn it at all. I'm still in the middle of deciding which one from 'When Harry Met Sally' I'm going to do (yes, I changed it and I don't think it's very appropriate but I've decided it will be easier if I actually enjoy the film/thing the monologue comes from). I'm thinking probably the classic 'I love you' speech Harry does at the end of the film. I should probably go and get dressed (had a shower. It's not important but I wanted anyone who read this to know that I am not a nudist. Nothing wrong with that. It's just not me. And I'm wearing a towel. I shouldn't have said anything at all...) and start learning my lines... I have less than an hour. This is going to fail! Wish me luck!
http://instagram.com/p/WXZZm3lYfy/

Organized Motherfricker

In preparation for my imminent audition on Sunday, I have been doing something fairly out of character for the lazy human being known as me (aka Jessica May Grace Johnston) which means I have actually been trying. Today, I have been working on my songs and I'm just about to watch myself perform both songs in front of my mirror and try to act to them. That actually sounds quite creepy and weird and it probably is but it is necessary. I need to do well on the third of March (aka Sunday). Tomorrow, I will make a start on memorizing my Macbeth monologue... Yeah. We'll see how that goes (probably pretty darn awful, if you ask me)... I am not the best actor...

Audition

This post is way more optimistic. As promised.
Tonight, I went to an Open Evening at the MGA Academy. It. Was. Awesome! I was going to go with a friend but she cancelled last-minute (understandably. She's not really into the whole singing/acting thing so she probably wouldn't have enjoyed it). Anyway, I walked in on my own and met a really nice guy (He also got my 'Glee' reference later on about feeling like Rachel Berry when her and Kurt went to that NYADA open day in Season 3 so, of course, I loved him) called Robert. I kinda just stuck with him because he seemed nice and I was a little terrified. We talked to a few students and things before having a tour of the Academy. It's quite small but they only accept about 30 students or so to a course every year (I think it's that anyway... Might be wrong). After the tour, Robert and I (along with a few other people who had come along to the open evening) went to watch the dancers. They were incredible. So flexible and coordinated... I just can't. It was too stunning. After that, we went to see the singers. They were impeccable. I couldn't stop staring! I immediately wished that I had their talent and stage presence. They were all so confident! It was nauseating how good they were. It made me a little nervous. I kept thinking 'I can't dance like that...', 'There's no way I could sing that well!' and 'Well, I'm screwed.'
After the singing, we talked to a few of the students again. Everyone was so nice and passionate! I just wanted to be a part of it all so much (even though it's twelve - fourteen hour days and a lot of hard work). it's worth it. Now I just have to try to figure out how to act by Sunday... And learn it... Frick.
My audition piece's are a monologue from Macbeth where Lady Macbeth tries to persuade Macbeth to kill the king, 'Hopelessly Devoted To You' from Grease for my musical theatre song and 'Locked Out of Heaven' by Bruno Mars or Sting for my 'any genre song'. I'm good with the Grease song (I've been singing it for years) but I need to work on 'Locked Out of Heaven'... I am the least sexy person I know and that song oozes sex. It's also a bit more risqué than I'm used to. Kinda more of a ballad type person. And I don't even want to think about the monologue... Too terrifying for words...
Hoping my audition goes well on Sunday. Robert's audition for the same course in on Sunday too so, at least, I'll know someone.
Fingers crossed...

You've Gotta Get Up & Try...

Friendship. It's a funny thing. One moment, you have people who are there to support you unconditionally, the next moment, you are entirely on your own.
I wrote the above statement on my phone on Tuesday (26th February) after something horrible happened.
Let me take you back a few months, last year (Not entirely sure what month. Maybe November? I don't think it's that important) I went to a friend's house with three other friends. While I was there, we talked about personal stuff (not unusual). Anyway, one of my friends told the rest of us something extremely personal which none of us had known about her. I'm not going to go into what it was because this blog is online and I don't really want to say it. It's not my secret to tell. We were all supposed to stay the night but one of my friends left early. I left about an hour and a half later because her house wasn't very big and I didn't know where I would be sleeping which stressed me out a little bit and I suddenly felt homesick (probably just needed my own space). When I got home, I told the friend who'd left before me that I had gone home. She phoned me and we talked about a bunch of things. I don't remember everything. One thing I do remember is that she had said she was uncomfortable with whatever the girl who's house we were supposed to be staying at had said. I'm not sure if she meant it and I may have gotten the wrong end of the stick. The point is that she said it and I should have kept that to myself. But I didn't. Now, I can keep secrets but, for some reason, I didn't keep this one (seriously regretting that now. From now on, I'm never repeating anything anyone says to me ever again. Even if it's just that they're getting new curtains or something equally not very important (I'm sorry. Getting new curtains is a very important thing and that was a crappy example but you get my point)). I told the two girls who stayed at that other girl's house what the girl on the phone had told me. One of them then persuaded me to tell the girl it was about so I did that the next week (really wish I hadn't done that too). She was a bit upset but I thought that was it. To be completely honest, I had completely forgotten about it by the time it came up again. Everything was semi-okay until about a week before I went to South Africa. Then, all of a sudden the phone girl and the house girl started being a little 'off' with me. I was a bit confused but didn't think too much of it. In South Africa, I could tell that house girl (none of the other girls went) didn't really like me very much but, again, I didn't think much of it. On Tuesday, I sent phone girl a text saying that I was really sorry that we weren't friends right now even though I didn't know why. I also said that, if she didn't want to be friends with me again, then I completely understood. I meant every word of it. Apparently though, that was a manipulating text.Whatever. So, I went to my favourite little cafe (one we go to often) with all four girls. Once we'd ordered, phone girl and house girl decided to 'confront' me. They talked at me for the next half hour or so. I listened to everything they said. About the kind of person I was, about what it was I had apparently done to them. It was a bit much for me to take in to be completely honest. I was a little stunned. During that time, house girl called me 'manipulative'. I may have glared at her for that... In my defence though, they were being really cruel and that, to me, was going a bit far. Anyway, apparently, phone girl had told house girl at some point that I had lied about what she said and house girl wasn't very happy about it. For some reason (I think I was just trying to stop myself from running out of there and crying), I didn't tell house girl the truth. I just said I couldn't remember. I don't really remember much of what I said. I don't think I tried to defend myself very much. I don't even think I was in the right mind to. I remember saying that, if all I was doing was hurting everyone in the group, then I would leave it and make different friends. They probably thought I was manipulating them then too. *rolls eyes*
They said I shouldn't do that because I still had two friends in the group and it would hurt them. I think house-girl was trying to take the moral high ground. She kept saying she could be 'civil' with me but I didn't care about her by then. As soon as she said I was 'manipulative', that was it. I mentally crossed her off my list of people I ever wanted to talk to again.
Soon after that, someone said we should leave if we wanted to get back for class. As soon as that was said, I put my coat on, grabbed my bag and left alone. I was trying (desperately) not to cry by this point. It's ironic that I told the truth but I was being punished for it. Anyway, I called my mum and asked her if I was manipulative  She said I wasn't but I argued with her saying that I probably was but that I just didn't know how. When I got to school, I went straight upstairs to my Philosophy class and stood outside. A few minutes later, one of the friends who hadn't said anything bad about me came upstairs and ushered me to come over to her. I did as I was told and just went into her arms and cried. Not for long and not properly. I think I was still too stunned. I told her the truth about the conversation on the phone. She told me that I should have said something back at the cafe and maybe I should have but I wasn't emotionally stable enough to. She promised that she would never stop being friends with me but I didn't believe her as much as I wanted to. I don't think I'd believe anyone.
I went home to an empty house (my gran was still in hospital. She had been since the Wednesday before I think) and just sat in my living room for a while. I just sat there. I didn't move for over half an hour. Just stared into space. I thought about who I was as a persona and was basically just really depressed. Then I decided to try acting like normal. It didn't work. I put my pyjamas on and tried singing some songs (that usually always works when I'm upset. It didn't this time). I remember putting the TV on and not-watching it. I just stared at it for a while. My mum came to check on my a little while later but I didn't want to be around anybody.
Later that evening, three people phoned me: my two remaining friends (the ones who hadn't said anything earlier that day) to check I was okay (which I wasn't) and phone girl. She said she wanted to be friends but I'd heard about her saying things about me to people after the cafe incident. I decided to agree to be friends. I was still upset and I didn't eat or sleep very much that night.
The next day, I went into school and saw house girl. Me, Philosophy girl and my other friend went back to that cafe (but sat at another table). Philosophy girl persuaded me to tell the truth. I did it begrudgingly then regretted it after house girl's reaction. She said 'well, you should've said that yesterday and phone girl isn't here to defend herself so I'm not going to discuss it'. I see her points but still. There wasn't even any point in me telling the truth after the day before. In my opinion, if your friend tells you something but you hear a contradictory thing from someone else and you believe it without question, then you weren't really friends to begin with. At least, you weren't a good friend. Real friends don't doubt each other or call each other names like that. Names hurt. They sting and it's just plain mean. Maybe that's just me. The fact that she was so willing to accept that I could ever do such a nasty and thoughtless thing told me everything I needed to know. Also, I didn't want her to be my friend again so me telling her had no point (as in, there was nothing to gain from it). I just hope it didn't make things worse.
This was yesterday.
Today, when I saw house girl, I barely looked at her. We're never going to be friends again and I'm okay with that. I don't need people like that in my life. I need people who are going to ask me if something's true before accepting that it is. I need people who are going to stand by me and defend me instead of attacking me. Loyal people. I hope I meet people like that soon. Going it alone all the time is getting tiring.
Philosophy girl and my other friend are good people though so, I guess, I should be grateful that I know them.
To be completely honest, I don't even want to be in school any more  I'm actually considering leaving which is something I never planned on doing. I always wanted to graduate High School but I'm not sure if me being in school is a very good thing right now. I only have two classes and I never go to one of them and I'm not clever enough for the second. And, now that I only have two friends and two months left, it's seeming more and more pointless.
The title of this post is from the song 'Try' by Pink. It was just going to be 'Friendship' but I felt a lyric was more appropriate for this particular post. I'm trying to remember it constantly. I have to get up and try because I don't want to give up and let them win. I have to be strong. This may be my most honest post ever but, as I'm still fairly certain that I'm the only one who will ever read it, I'm okay with that. Hopefully, I'll be able to look back on this post in the future and smirk because I now have amazing friends and am extremely happy. I hope so anyway.
The next post will be slightly more optimistic. Promise.
Jessica
xoxo

Name Change (Blog not me in real life. I like my name)

So, I changed my name on this to 'Just Jess'. I realised that I was blogging about my life and life isn't stress free. Especially not mine recently. I'm, generally, a very optimistic person but I haven't been feeling very optimistic recently. In fact, I've been feeling the opposite. I'll write another post on that in a minute.
The point is that life is stressful. Life is complicated, people are cruel and bad things happen. My life is nowhere near perfect. It's not happy all the time and it's not always enjoyable. By naming my blog 'Less Stress With Jess', I feel like it was portraying an untrue image of me (even though I'm still about 99.9% sure that I'm the only person who will ever read this, I didn't want to lie to myself either).
As depressing as my description of life was a second ago, I'm not pessimistic about it (even though it definitely seems that way). Life is also laughter and fun and unforgettable experiences. It's not always complicated, people aren't always cruel and good things happen as well. Just because my life hasn't been a picnic so far doesn't mean that my future will be dark and dreary. I am extremely hopeful that it won't be. I have a feeling my next post is going to be an extremely honest one about what's been happening in my life recently and I'm not entirely sure I'm up for that. But I can't let myself forget it either (not that I think I'll be forgetting it ever). The post after that may be slightly more optimistic. Just can't put it in the next post because it would be kinda strange and they're completely unrelated topics.
Anyway, I changed my name on Blogger. No big deal.
(And my page thingy (msjessjohnston) is my Twitter and Tumblr username thing which is why I thought it would make sense if it was my blog too. Also, justjess was taken)