Friendship. It's a funny thing. One moment, you have people who are there to support you unconditionally, the next moment, you are entirely on your own.
I wrote the above statement on my phone on Tuesday (26th February) after something horrible happened.
Let me take you back a few months, last year (Not entirely sure what month. Maybe November? I don't think it's that important) I went to a friend's house with three other friends. While I was there, we talked about personal stuff (not unusual). Anyway, one of my friends told the rest of us something extremely personal which none of us had known about her. I'm not going to go into what it was because this blog is online and I don't really want to say it. It's not my secret to tell. We were all supposed to stay the night but one of my friends left early. I left about an hour and a half later because her house wasn't very big and I didn't know where I would be sleeping which stressed me out a little bit and I suddenly felt homesick (probably just needed my own space). When I got home, I told the friend who'd left before me that I had gone home. She phoned me and we talked about a bunch of things. I don't remember everything. One thing I do remember is that she had said she was uncomfortable with whatever the girl who's house we were supposed to be staying at had said. I'm not sure if she meant it and I may have gotten the wrong end of the stick. The point is that she said it and I should have kept that to myself. But I didn't. Now, I can keep secrets but, for some reason, I didn't keep this one (seriously regretting that now. From now on, I'm never repeating anything anyone says to me ever again. Even if it's just that they're getting new curtains or something equally not very important (I'm sorry. Getting new curtains is a very important thing and that was a crappy example but you get my point)). I told the two girls who stayed at that other girl's house what the girl on the phone had told me. One of them then persuaded me to tell the girl it was about so I did that the next week (really wish I hadn't done that too). She was a bit upset but I thought that was it. To be completely honest, I had completely forgotten about it by the time it came up again. Everything was semi-okay until about a week before I went to South Africa. Then, all of a sudden the phone girl and the house girl started being a little 'off' with me. I was a bit confused but didn't think too much of it. In South Africa, I could tell that house girl (none of the other girls went) didn't really like me very much but, again, I didn't think much of it. On Tuesday, I sent phone girl a text saying that I was really sorry that we weren't friends right now even though I didn't know why. I also said that, if she didn't want to be friends with me again, then I completely understood. I meant every word of it. Apparently though, that was a manipulating text.Whatever. So, I went to my favourite little cafe (one we go to often) with all four girls. Once we'd ordered, phone girl and house girl decided to 'confront' me. They talked at me for the next half hour or so. I listened to everything they said. About the kind of person I was, about what it was I had apparently done to them. It was a bit much for me to take in to be completely honest. I was a little stunned. During that time, house girl called me 'manipulative'. I may have glared at her for that... In my defence though, they were being really cruel and that, to me, was going a bit far. Anyway, apparently, phone girl had told house girl at some point that I had lied about what she said and house girl wasn't very happy about it. For some reason (I think I was just trying to stop myself from running out of there and crying), I didn't tell house girl the truth. I just said I couldn't remember. I don't really remember much of what I said. I don't think I tried to defend myself very much. I don't even think I was in the right mind to. I remember saying that, if all I was doing was hurting everyone in the group, then I would leave it and make different friends. They probably thought I was manipulating them then too. *rolls eyes*
They said I shouldn't do that because I still had two friends in the group and it would hurt them. I think house-girl was trying to take the moral high ground. She kept saying she could be 'civil' with me but I didn't care about her by then. As soon as she said I was 'manipulative', that was it. I mentally crossed her off my list of people I ever wanted to talk to again.
Soon after that, someone said we should leave if we wanted to get back for class. As soon as that was said, I put my coat on, grabbed my bag and left alone. I was trying (desperately) not to cry by this point. It's ironic that I told the truth but I was being punished for it. Anyway, I called my mum and asked her if I was manipulative She said I wasn't but I argued with her saying that I probably was but that I just didn't know how. When I got to school, I went straight upstairs to my Philosophy class and stood outside. A few minutes later, one of the friends who hadn't said anything bad about me came upstairs and ushered me to come over to her. I did as I was told and just went into her arms and cried. Not for long and not properly. I think I was still too stunned. I told her the truth about the conversation on the phone. She told me that I should have said something back at the cafe and maybe I should have but I wasn't emotionally stable enough to. She promised that she would never stop being friends with me but I didn't believe her as much as I wanted to. I don't think I'd believe anyone.
I went home to an empty house (my gran was still in hospital. She had been since the Wednesday before I think) and just sat in my living room for a while. I just sat there. I didn't move for over half an hour. Just stared into space. I thought about who I was as a persona and was basically just really depressed. Then I decided to try acting like normal. It didn't work. I put my pyjamas on and tried singing some songs (that usually always works when I'm upset. It didn't this time). I remember putting the TV on and not-watching it. I just stared at it for a while. My mum came to check on my a little while later but I didn't want to be around anybody.
Later that evening, three people phoned me: my two remaining friends (the ones who hadn't said anything earlier that day) to check I was okay (which I wasn't) and phone girl. She said she wanted to be friends but I'd heard about her saying things about me to people after the cafe incident. I decided to agree to be friends. I was still upset and I didn't eat or sleep very much that night.
The next day, I went into school and saw house girl. Me, Philosophy girl and my other friend went back to that cafe (but sat at another table). Philosophy girl persuaded me to tell the truth. I did it begrudgingly then regretted it after house girl's reaction. She said 'well, you should've said that yesterday and phone girl isn't here to defend herself so I'm not going to discuss it'. I see her points but still. There wasn't even any point in me telling the truth after the day before. In my opinion, if your friend tells you something but you hear a contradictory thing from someone else and you believe it without question, then you weren't really friends to begin with. At least, you weren't a good friend. Real friends don't doubt each other or call each other names like that. Names hurt. They sting and it's just plain mean. Maybe that's just me. The fact that she was so willing to accept that I could ever do such a nasty and thoughtless thing told me everything I needed to know. Also, I didn't want her to be my friend again so me telling her had no point (as in, there was nothing to gain from it). I just hope it didn't make things worse.
This was yesterday.
Today, when I saw house girl, I barely looked at her. We're never going to be friends again and I'm okay with that. I don't need people like that in my life. I need people who are going to ask me if something's true before accepting that it is. I need people who are going to stand by me and defend me instead of attacking me. Loyal people. I hope I meet people like that soon. Going it alone all the time is getting tiring.
Philosophy girl and my other friend are good people though so, I guess, I should be grateful that I know them.
To be completely honest, I don't even want to be in school any more I'm actually considering leaving which is something I never planned on doing. I always wanted to graduate High School but I'm not sure if me being in school is a very good thing right now. I only have two classes and I never go to one of them and I'm not clever enough for the second. And, now that I only have two friends and two months left, it's seeming more and more pointless.
The title of this post is from the song 'Try' by Pink. It was just going to be 'Friendship' but I felt a lyric was more appropriate for this particular post. I'm trying to remember it constantly. I have to get up and try because I don't want to give up and let them win. I have to be strong. This may be my most honest post ever but, as I'm still fairly certain that I'm the only one who will ever read it, I'm okay with that. Hopefully, I'll be able to look back on this post in the future and smirk because I now have amazing friends and am extremely happy. I hope so anyway.
The next post will be slightly more optimistic. Promise.
Jessica
xoxo
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