Just Enough

I always wanted a cat. 

When I was younger, I'd bug my mum constantly about letting me get one and I never forgot it. 

As I grew up, I got Barbie houses and dogs and even a Fur-Real cat! 

And still, every year, the word 'cat' went on my Christmas list. 

I never got one. 

I loved my dogs though and my Lhasa Apso, Benji, was the love of my life.

He was a puppy when we got him and we grew up together. 

His little face and never ending excitement whenever I walked through the door or called his name are memories I will treasure forever. 

In 2012, we lost him as he had to be rehomed due to my gran's illness.

Then came mice. 

My gran's solution to that problem was to get Oscar. 

Oscar was about six years old when we got him. A rescue cat brought in by drunk people who, instantly, purred his way into our hearts when we met the big furball.

I'll never forget the day I met him.

I walked into the house, already ranting to my gran about something while I ditched my keys. When I walked into the living room, I saw this cat staring at me. 

He was big and brown with a white tummy and paws and he was the most beautiful cat I'd ever seen.

I sat down on the chair in the living room and he sat in front of me. 

I meowed at him and he did the same back. 

He never shut up after that. 

In the years that followed my childhood, my wish of getting a cat slowly evaporated as I grew into a dog person. 

Years later, here I was faced with this thing I used to pray I'd get.

I named him Oscar, after Oscar Wilde and Oscar de la Renta, and I fell in love with him. 

It was slow, at first, but his non-stop meowing and constant whining to get into the bathroom so he could drink from the tap (his favourite past time other than sleep) melted my dog-loving heart. 

He was perfect. 

Hilarious and always there to come home to after a long day. 

Whenever my gran has gone into hospital, it's been Oscar who I've had to relax me and entertain me and who would never leave my side.

He's changed everything for the better. 

And he'll never even know.

Three years later and his little body is breaking. 

He has gum and kidney disease and a large tumor on his abdomen. 

He can't cope anymore and he's in pain. 

Which is why my gran and I made the painful decision to have him put to eternal sleep.

Our last night together was awful. 

For the entire day after I heard the news, I barely stopped crying to breathe.

I took him to the vet last week where they discovered the tumor and gum disease. They took blood tests to find out if there was anything else that would be dangerous for him if he were to have a biopsy. 

At 10am yesterday morning, they called to say it was severe kidney disease.

It was weird because, seconds before, I posted what would turn out to be my last photo of Oscar and I while he was alive. 

I captioned it 'Wednesdays With Oscar'.

I had no idea that it would be my last Wednesday. 

I barely slept last night. 

I go between crying and being numb and then unable to breathe. 

I know, to some people, it may seem silly to get this emotional over a pet but Oscar was like an anchor to me and he's my first real experience of death, except for Cory Monteith in 2013. 

He's special and beautiful and I really thought it'd be him and me until the end.

It's just sad that his end and my end aren't anywhere close to each other. 

He didn't eat his breakfast. 

I tried tempting him with a can of tuna and, after about ten minutes, he emerged from under my bed (where he's been sleeping recently) and took a few bites. 

He gave up after a minute and went back under the bed. 

I read the ending of John Groban's 'Marley and Me'. The bits about his dog's death. 

Call me masochistic but I wanted a general idea of what I'd be dealing with. 

It made me cry. 

But it was beautiful. 

John never left Marley and, in the end, he said 'Goodbye' in the best way he could.

I wrapped him up in a school hoodie I sometimes sleep in to take him to the vet's. I didn't want to stress him out by putting him in his carrier. 

I paused before we went inside but the vet talked it through with me and I nodded.

Tears steamed down my face and I kept him in my arms for a long time. 

I asked for a minute alone and she gave me a few. 

I picked Oscar up for the last time and laid out my hoodie on the table before putting him back on it.

I didn't want him to die on a cold, hard table.

I told Oscar all about how I used to want a cat. I told him I was sorry for everything I didn't do and that I didn't want him to die but that he wouldn't be in pain anymore. I told him I loved him.

When everyone came back in, I shifted and kissed him. As the needle went into his little front leg, I kissed his head and whispered 'I love you' to my cat before he took his final breath. 

The vet pronounced him dead a few seconds later. 

He wasn't in pain, he wasn't alone and the last thing he saw/heard was me telling him I loved him.

I stayed with him for a while after that. I didn't want to leave him.

I took his collar. We're getting him cremated and we're going to scatter his ashes in the garden he loved so much.

I miss him. Whenever his bell rings, it's because I can't let go of it and no longer because he's coming around the corner. 

I'm not okay. I don't know when I will be but I have amazing friends who will help me through this. 

I just wish we could've saved him.

But I think he stayed with us for just enough time for him. He never showed us his pain or let us know about it. 

Maybe it's because he didn't want to hurt us, maybe he was just private. 

I don't know. 

What I do know is that I am grateful for every single moment I had with him. 

I'm grateful for the fact he slept in my bedroom for so many nights before he died. 

And I will be eternally grateful for him choosing us to live with. 

Goodbye, Oscar. 

Mummy'll see you soon, baby. 

Jessica

xoxo

Rest In Peace Cory Monteith.

"Love is how you stay alive, even after you're gone." - Cory Monteith

Cory Monteith was born on the 11th of May 1982. He died on the 13th of July 2013. Last Saturday.
I don't think I'll ever forget what I was doing when I found out. My second cousins had been over to stay (the next post will probably be about that as it includes lots of Edinburgh things and it's a lot happier and more positive than this post will be due to the somber topic and my general need to express my feelings about it) and they'd woken me up at twenty to eight in the morning on Sunday. We were all on my bed when I got a Tweet alert saying that Taylor Swift had Tweeted. Her Tweet read 'Speechless. And for the worst reason.'. Being a huge Taylor Swift fan, I was automatically worried about her and wondered what had happened. I went onto Tumblr and got increasingly confused when I kept seeing posts about death so I moved on to Twitter instead. That's when I found out.
I remember reading countless Tweets about Cory and how he was dead and how horrible it all was. My mind immediately went to Lea, his girlfriend, and to the cast and his family and friends and all the other fans. I also remember my hand going to my mouth as I murmured 'No. No. No! Lea... Oh my God, Lea!', very much in denial. But I had two little girls asking me what was wrong so I couldn't burst into tears and grieve for him. I had to try and stay strong because breaking down in front of the girls wasn't an option.
So I did. I had sad periods and I wasn't as bubbly or as happy as I had been for the past few days. The girls and I talked about it but not in great detail and they were kind and gave me hugs and were good to me.
When my sister and my mother came over at about four thirty, the girls were leaving and I collapsed into my sister's arms, crying. I didn't stop crying until I went to sleep at about two in the morning the next day.
I went out with my mother and sister to get ice cream because I wanted ice cream and I thought I should get out of the house. Basically, it was an awful idea. I barely stopped crying during the whole car ride and broke down in the ice cream store when a friend called me to ask if I was okay. I was a mess and I went out too fast. I cried the whole way back and barely touched my ice cream.
My sister wanted to stay with me because she was so worried about me but I didn't let her. I think I wanted to be alone. I spent the night crying and watching the British version of Law and Order which I barely remember.
I also texted my best friend Jane and we had a semi-breakdown. We vowed our undying love for each other and commitment and promised to never leave each other. If we were a lesbian couple, I'm pretty sure we would have decided on a wedding date.
No. In all seriousness, it was incredibly sweet. And it made me feel a little better.
We met up the next day and she bought me a raspberry and white chocolate cooler thing and a cupcake from Costa. It was so good of her... I love her so much and am incredibly grateful for her kindness. She has been there for me through the whole thing and I'm not sure I would have coped without her support.
So many people are talking about how Cory died but I don't think it's important. I'm not saying that I won't remember him for his struggles because that's not true; I'll remember him for everything. He battled a difficult addiction and he tried to get better. He never took his life for granted and was so grateful to be alive. He was an incredible man and he will forever remain a hero in my eyes.
His favourite colour was blue. Just over a week after his death and I've worn the colour every day since. It's my way of honouring him.
I've also prayed for him every night since. I don't know why or if it's how I cope but it's helping. I'm not a particularly religious person and I'm actually agnostic but it's helping, like I said.
I don't really know what to say now. I'll leave you with a picture I posted to Instagram and the caption I posted with it the day I found out about his death. It was my own sort of tribute to Cory. 

My personal #candlelight tribute to Cory. I don't understand why you're gone, I don't think I ever will, but I will never forget you. Nor will I ever really get over your death. Even now, after hours of crying, I'm still breaking down every few minutes. I may not have known you personally but you were an incredible person and my heart breaks every time I think about what the world has lost. Rest In Peace Cory Monteith. Like you said, "Love is how you stay alive, even after you're gone." You'll never really die. Our eternal love for you will keep you alive in our hearts and minds.#RIPCoryMonteith #CoryMonteith #Glee#CandlesForCory #RestInPeace #PrayForLea #TragicYou took the midnight train going anywhere...#GoodbyeFrankenteen