Today (or tomorrow as it's officially Midnight here in the UK), I stayed inside. I didn't sing as much and I didn't dance around my bedroom (or anywhere else in the house) at all. This means I'm depressed or sad or something. I'm not used to being sad. I normally try and distract myself somehow but it didn't work today. I lay around the house (mostly my bedroom) feeling sorry for myself over my lack of a future. I figure I'm allowed to. I came face to face with my dreams, the potential future I could have. It was so close I could almost taste it. The friends I would have, the dreams that would come true, the songs I would sing... Everything was finally falling into place but, now that my hopes and dreams have been shattered within seconds before even properly becoming a possibility, I am left right back where I started: alone, confused and scared. I'm scared because MGA was something that was real. It was a chance to prove to myself that I was better than what I imagined. That I actually mattered in this world somehow. Now that I've tasted the happiness I could have, I don't want to let it go and I hate that I have to! I auditioned on a whim to see if I could actually do it, never believing for a second that I could get in, but I got a place and I wanted it so badly. It sucks!
So, now, I'm sitting at my computer in my dark bedroom at seven minutes past midnight writing down my thoughts and feelings on something nobody's ever going to see or care about. It's like I'm talking to a therapist only this blog can't give me advice or take notes to refer back to later (not actually sure if that's what therapists do so I apologise for any false statements).
Maybe I'll take a year to go and 'find myself' or something. I never understand what people mean by that though. How can you 'find yourself'? To me, that makes no sense but I'm willing to try and find out what it means so that I can do it too. Just anything that'll give me something to focus on besides the shreds my dreams are being cut into.
I just feel like everyone's moving forward except me. My best friend got an unconditional to Edinburgh University, my other friend's going off to College and my last friend (Yes, I know it's pathetic that I only have three friends but I would have more if I could go to MGA. Damn it!) has a conditional to do a Drama thing at university. Getting that place at MGA made me feel like I was moving forward too. For once, I didn't feel like a failure. I wasn't just the 'stupid' one. I mattered and I was proud of myself.
I keep telling myself that 'everything happens for a reason' but what's the reason for this? What good is going to come from me not being able to go to my dream school and have friends who, not only respect what I want to do in life but, want the same things? What good is going to come from me being unhappy for another year or however long it takes for something good to happen?
I know I sound extremely ungrateful or whatever but I don't mean to.
Ever since I can remember, I have pinned all my hopes and dreams on 2013; the year I turned 17.
I was going to learn how to drive, finally move out and away from my family, go to college or university and do something I love, maybe even get a boyfriend. I was supposed to be happy. Truly happy. 2013 was supposed to be the year that everything changed for the better but none of that stuff's happened. I haven't learnt how to drive yet, I haven't moved out, I won't go to college or university because I'm not clever enough and don't have the money to pay for the school I want to go to and I don't have a boyfriend because, I guess, I'm just not pretty enough.
I'm trying really hard to see the silver lining to all of this and to stay optimistic but what if there isn't a silver lining? What if I'm just not meant to find true happiness or whatever? I guess, I'll just have to deal with it and hope something good happens soon.
On the upside, I did read Darren Criss' LiveJournal posts (someone posted them on Tumblr. I'm not a stalker, I promise) so they cheered me up for about ten minutes. He had some very random thoughts at 17. He should just write a book about all his thoughts. I'd read it.
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