'It matters how this ends...
What if I never love again?'
Two of the most heartbreaking lyrics ever written.
And I couldn't relate more.
It's a funny thing, heartbreak.
This is my first real experience with it. Losing my first love has broken me entirely and I'm not sure how to find myself again after this.
But was it worth it?
God, yes.
We met shortly after my gran died. I was coping but I was still struggling. I wasn't sure if I'd get through the next few months but I was hopeful.
I met him with a closed heart.
I wasn't going to date. I needed time to figure out who I was and I needed to do that by being single.
Also, I hate dating. It's awkward and I never know what to say and it felt like too much too soon.
But then I met him and everything changed.
Not to be cheesy but I'd compare it to a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.
He was tall and gorgeous and I melted into him.
At one point, I went outside and he asked if I was coming back. I felt like telling him that I would always, for as long as I was able, come back to him. Instead, because I'm not entirely creepy, I just told him I would.
He ended up coming outside and we talked and we stayed together for the rest of the night.
Then we made plans to see each other and the rest is history.
I knew I loved him when he left to go back for university.
I've never been in love before and it was so scary to think that I could have fallen in love with him so quickly after losing nanny but I did. After our first date, I wrote that I was sure he was The One.
The next weekend, I visited him and we told each other about our histories (all of the bad stuff) and he told me he loved me. We also had drama that weekend as he got ill and I panicked and looked after him. I made homemade soup for the first time. It wasn't that great but he was kind about it.
I wanted to be so perfect for him. He's an incredible man and I wanted to be good enough for someone like him. He pushed me to be better and believed in me when I didn't. He knew me better than anyone else ever has and he held me when I needed to cry. And I never went to bed feeling unloved or alone when I was with him.
Then it got difficult and he needed space and I understood.
I've known we were breaking up since the 'I love you' goodnight texts stopped.
I understand why we broke up and I think it was for the best in some ways but I can't get over how it happened. The look in his eyes when he confirmed I was right and he was breaking up with me... He'd never looked at me like that before. It was cold and heartbreaking and I didn't know looks could kill you emotionally before but they can and it's not fun.
We have to meet to exchange stuff (things I kept at his, his T-Shirt) and I don't know how I'll cope.
I have always been great at keeping my emotions in check but, after he left me yesterday, I burst into tears and ran through Princes Street like a fool.
He'd already changed his relationship status (on facebook) by the time I got to the west end.
A man actually gave me a packet of tissues to wipe my eyes with because I was crying. He told me I was beautiful and that my first love 'wasn't worth' the tears I was crying and the pain I'm in.
And I want to be mad because he broke up with me in such a cruel way.
But I can't be angry at him because I love him and I know he did what he thought was best for him and I can't argue with that.
I went to the place I met him (back in the beginning) with Jane at about two in the afternoon and got drunk. I'm not proud of that but I needed something to ease my pain or make me feel it, truly feel it.
Because I don't know what to do now.
Four months may not seem like a very long time but he was my first love.
He promised we'd be together for the rest of our lives and told me I'd be 'loved and taken care of' forever and I'm not sure how to be alone anymore.
I've been his girlfriend for what feels like a really long time and I don't know how not to be.
I don't think I can move on from this quickly because I still hope he'll find his way back to me someday.
Maybe he will.
I don't know.
I used to love imagining the future but now I can't because it hurts too much.
Heartbreak is the worst pain I have ever felt.
I know girls have had their hearts broken and gotten over it (two lovely women in the bathroom at the bar yesterday talked to me for ages about it) and I know that I will too one day.
I didn't eat anything yesterday because I couldn't handle it and I didn't sleep well or much at all.
I'm okay with this though. The pain reminds me that it was real and that he was real at one point.
Loving him has been both the greatest and the most heartbreaking experience of my life but every single second with him when we were happy and he loved me was worth all of this pain.
I'm always going to love him, regardless of what happens now.
And, if he finds his way back to me (which I hope he will), I will love him just as much as I do now.
If he doesn't... I'll find a way to be happy. I really just hope he finds someone incredible.
He doesn't think it of himself but he's a wonderful person and he should never settle for anyone who thinks he is anything other than extraordinary.
I hope she's kind and beautiful and cooks for him (he's a terrible cook) but, most of all, I hope she loves him as much as I have. He deserves so much love and happiness from this world and I hope he finds someone who can give him that, even if it's not me.
What I hope for myself right now though (I definitely can't think about falling in love again, who knows if I'll even be capable? Hence the Adele quote) is that I find myself.
The not eating and sleeping thing is getting old already and I hate being this sad. I hate that I've cried in public so many times and that I can't think of ways to be happy.
I can remember happiness. I see it in my face when I see a photo of him and I and I can remember it all. Every moment with him. The best moments (him asking me to be his girlfriend outside Surgeon's Hall, him telling me he loved me, him coming up behind me and kissing me in the kitchen when I was cooking, the fact he'd always smile when he woke up and his eyes focused on my face...)... All of it is imprinted on my heart like a tattoo and I still smile thinking of those times.
But happiness isn't an option for me right now and that's okay.
I need time to heal and to grieve him because I have lost so much this year.
When you've imagined a future with someone, it's hard to say goodbye to that.
I'm not only grieving losing a best friend and a boyfriend; I'm crying for everything that won't happen now. All of it's just gone.
I'm writing this down because I want to remember it. I'm in Hell right now and I can't imagine being happy but I want to be and I will be eventually.
Having this down in some form means that I can read it in the future and be reminded of how painful it was but also know I got through it.
If he and I are meant to be together, he'll come back to me in time.
If we're not, I hope he finds happiness with someone brilliant.
'And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more and I might be okay but I'm not fine at all'
Jessica
xoxo
Friday, 16 December 2016
Thursday, 1 September 2016
Isla
Two weeks ago today, on Thursday 18th August, my grandmother passed away.
It was peaceful and quiet and she wasn't in pain.
She finally got to go home to her husband.
After twenty years apart, I'm sure she was happy to see him.
I walked into the room complaining about how a nurse had mistaken me for a mother of two blonde children, of course I was doing that, but my aunt told me once I'd stopped talking.
Three words and they changed everything.
'Nanny's passed away.'
My auntie Sandra (nanny's sister) was closest to me. She told me to kiss her on the cheek but I couldn't. I just shook my head and put my hand over my mouth and cried.
It didn't last long. I cried for less than a minute.
When I had composed myself, I moved closer to nanny and kissed her forehead before sighing with relief.
Her suffering was over, finally.
I'd said my official 'Goodbye' to her the day before.
She was mostly out of it thanks to the cocktail of drugs they'd put her on to take away any pain in her last few days but she was, apparently, able to hear things.
Nanny told me a hundred times over that she wanted me to find a good man, marry him and have kids.
That's all she ever wanted for me.
I know her views were old fashioned but those were the things in her life that gave her the most happiness and she wanted that for me too.
She loved being married. She loved her husband and raising her children and, then, raising me.
I might not be ready for marriage and kids yet but I know that, when I do, she'll be watching over us all.
I promised her I'd find him and that I'd love him forever - the same way she loved my granddad.
I promised I'd tell our kids all about the strong, kind, wonderful woman who raised me.
She can't truly die until all of our stories about her are finished being told.
With that knowledge, I know it will be a long time before she's really gone forever.
I spent as much time with her as possible when I was younger. Every weekend, every weekday after school... If anyone was ever wondering where I was, you could be sure it was with her.
She was my first best friend, until I met Jane in 2000, and she was my hero.
We had so many traditions, nanny and I...
My favourite was always our trip to Jenners at Christmas. We'd go look at all the toys downstairs and then we'd go see the giant Christmas tree.
To a five year old, there wasn't anything more magical than that.
She loved Christmas. Every year, our house would be sparkling from all the different decorations. She would cook Christmas dinner and I would be amazed at how one person can make a season so magical and perfect.
She also gave me a belief in fairies.
Every year, at Christmas, I would wake up in the morning of Christmas Eve and find a beautiful princess dress hanging on the door next to mine. Nanny always told me the fairies had left it for me and I believed her with everything I had.
Not all of our traditions were at Christmas though.
Another of my favourites is that, whenever I was ill or off from school, she would make 'Make You Well Soup' - that was my childish name for it (I was probably only about three when I started calling it that). Even when I got sent home from school, my mum would drop me off with nanny and she'd have my pajamas wrapped around a hot water bottle in my bed and some soup ready for me.
She even got me a dog - Benji.
Technically, we had Annie first but she had to be re-homed as she was a Greyhound and too much for my gran to handle.
Benji was perfect. He was tiny and adorable and perfect when we first got him.
It was love at first sight with us.
I'm so grateful we got to grow up together because he was the greatest, silliest, most stupidly sweet dog anyone could ever have had.
But, unfortunately, he had to get re-homed too when my gran got even more unwell.
After that, we got Oscar.
I've said a million and one things about him so I don't think I need to expand on that but he was just as special as Benji.
The last thing I ever said to her, even a week on when I saw her in the funeral home (she looked nothing like herself. It was horrible), was 'Goodnight, nanny. I'll see you soon. I love you'
When I was younger, I always used to make her say those three words before I went to sleep.
I know it's morbid but, just in case anything ever happened, I wanted to make sure those were our final words to each other.
Reality isn't always that kind though. I can't remember her last words to me.
I know the jist of them but I don't know them exactly.
She was having a good day, her last good day before she died, and I was going on a work night out. I walked out the door and she called me back in. So I went inside and she was warning me to be careful as people can put things in your drink, etcetera. I laughed and nodded and reminded her that I'm a big girl.
After that, it's hazy.
The day before she died, I told her not to keep holding on for me. I'd be fine. She could let go now.
Not even 24 hours to that conversation and she was gone.
These last two weeks have been really strange.
I haven't cried much. I don't know why, especially seeing as I barely stopped crying to breathe after Oscar died.
Nanny was the strongest women I've ever known.
Maybe she's watching over me and helping me to be strong too.
I started college this week and I'm heading to St Andrews tomorrow for a new adventure.
Nanny's gone and, while it breaks my heart that she wont ever get to meet the man I marry or our kids, I know she'll be with us regardless.
It's all she wanted for me and I'll get it eventually.
So, when I do, she'll become my family's own, personal Guardian Angel.
If you believe in those sorts of things.
I'm not sure if I do or not but it's a nice thought.
I miss her so much but I'm so glad she's not in pain anymore.
Goodnight, nanny. I love you.
Jezebel
xoxo
It was peaceful and quiet and she wasn't in pain.
She finally got to go home to her husband.
After twenty years apart, I'm sure she was happy to see him.
I walked into the room complaining about how a nurse had mistaken me for a mother of two blonde children, of course I was doing that, but my aunt told me once I'd stopped talking.
Three words and they changed everything.
'Nanny's passed away.'
My auntie Sandra (nanny's sister) was closest to me. She told me to kiss her on the cheek but I couldn't. I just shook my head and put my hand over my mouth and cried.
It didn't last long. I cried for less than a minute.
When I had composed myself, I moved closer to nanny and kissed her forehead before sighing with relief.
Her suffering was over, finally.
I'd said my official 'Goodbye' to her the day before.
She was mostly out of it thanks to the cocktail of drugs they'd put her on to take away any pain in her last few days but she was, apparently, able to hear things.
Nanny told me a hundred times over that she wanted me to find a good man, marry him and have kids.
That's all she ever wanted for me.
I know her views were old fashioned but those were the things in her life that gave her the most happiness and she wanted that for me too.
She loved being married. She loved her husband and raising her children and, then, raising me.
I might not be ready for marriage and kids yet but I know that, when I do, she'll be watching over us all.
I promised her I'd find him and that I'd love him forever - the same way she loved my granddad.
I promised I'd tell our kids all about the strong, kind, wonderful woman who raised me.
She can't truly die until all of our stories about her are finished being told.
With that knowledge, I know it will be a long time before she's really gone forever.
I spent as much time with her as possible when I was younger. Every weekend, every weekday after school... If anyone was ever wondering where I was, you could be sure it was with her.
She was my first best friend, until I met Jane in 2000, and she was my hero.
We had so many traditions, nanny and I...
My favourite was always our trip to Jenners at Christmas. We'd go look at all the toys downstairs and then we'd go see the giant Christmas tree.
To a five year old, there wasn't anything more magical than that.
She loved Christmas. Every year, our house would be sparkling from all the different decorations. She would cook Christmas dinner and I would be amazed at how one person can make a season so magical and perfect.
She also gave me a belief in fairies.
Every year, at Christmas, I would wake up in the morning of Christmas Eve and find a beautiful princess dress hanging on the door next to mine. Nanny always told me the fairies had left it for me and I believed her with everything I had.
Not all of our traditions were at Christmas though.
Another of my favourites is that, whenever I was ill or off from school, she would make 'Make You Well Soup' - that was my childish name for it (I was probably only about three when I started calling it that). Even when I got sent home from school, my mum would drop me off with nanny and she'd have my pajamas wrapped around a hot water bottle in my bed and some soup ready for me.
She even got me a dog - Benji.
Technically, we had Annie first but she had to be re-homed as she was a Greyhound and too much for my gran to handle.
Benji was perfect. He was tiny and adorable and perfect when we first got him.
It was love at first sight with us.
I'm so grateful we got to grow up together because he was the greatest, silliest, most stupidly sweet dog anyone could ever have had.
But, unfortunately, he had to get re-homed too when my gran got even more unwell.
After that, we got Oscar.
I've said a million and one things about him so I don't think I need to expand on that but he was just as special as Benji.
The last thing I ever said to her, even a week on when I saw her in the funeral home (she looked nothing like herself. It was horrible), was 'Goodnight, nanny. I'll see you soon. I love you'
When I was younger, I always used to make her say those three words before I went to sleep.
I know it's morbid but, just in case anything ever happened, I wanted to make sure those were our final words to each other.
Reality isn't always that kind though. I can't remember her last words to me.
I know the jist of them but I don't know them exactly.
She was having a good day, her last good day before she died, and I was going on a work night out. I walked out the door and she called me back in. So I went inside and she was warning me to be careful as people can put things in your drink, etcetera. I laughed and nodded and reminded her that I'm a big girl.
After that, it's hazy.
The day before she died, I told her not to keep holding on for me. I'd be fine. She could let go now.
Not even 24 hours to that conversation and she was gone.
These last two weeks have been really strange.
I haven't cried much. I don't know why, especially seeing as I barely stopped crying to breathe after Oscar died.
Nanny was the strongest women I've ever known.
Maybe she's watching over me and helping me to be strong too.
I started college this week and I'm heading to St Andrews tomorrow for a new adventure.
Nanny's gone and, while it breaks my heart that she wont ever get to meet the man I marry or our kids, I know she'll be with us regardless.
It's all she wanted for me and I'll get it eventually.
So, when I do, she'll become my family's own, personal Guardian Angel.
If you believe in those sorts of things.
I'm not sure if I do or not but it's a nice thought.
I miss her so much but I'm so glad she's not in pain anymore.
Goodnight, nanny. I love you.
Jezebel
xoxo
Sunday, 7 August 2016
Time Flies When...
You're having fun!
Just kidding. That's way too cheesy.
Time flies when you're working non-stop and have a new social life.
Has it really been over two months since my last post?
Huh.
Well, a lot has happened.
Especially in the last month.
I've lost a friend (she wasn't that great of a person so it's not such a loss. I'm actually glad she's not in my life anymore. All she ever did was care about herself, judge me endlessly and make me think I was a terrible person), made new friends and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.
The first big thing I did was that I actually went on a work night out.
I've been working at Hollister since January but, until that Saturday night in June, I had never even tried to see them outside of work.
I went to a party, on my own, and talked to people I've been working with for six months (by that point) and immediately wondered why it had taken me so long.
They weren't terrifying monsters or anything like it.
They're good, fun people.
In the four weeks since that party, I have gone on a few more nights out and made more friends with the amazing people I work with.
I'm just so frustrated at myself for staying scared for so long.
Okay, it's a big deal to go somewhere on your own when you don't really know anybody but I want to move in a few years - how can that happen when I'm terrified of going to things on my own?
Another thing I did was actually decide on a few things about my future.
A friend at work helped me with that.
Another person at work made me feel so much better about the whole 'college before uni' thing.
So I'm going to get my grades in order. go to uni and study Criminology and Sociology.
Of course, I'm not naive enough to think everything's going to work out that way and that I'll never change my mind on anything ever but... It could happen that way.
I just know I want to really try this year at college and get good grades and work hard.
It's about time I grew up a little.
The most recent thing I did was talk to my ex boyfriend.
I dated him two years ago and he's followed me on different social media platforms since then so I finally followed him back on Instagram and opened up that box to reexamine.
I just wanted to know why he's been so insistent over the years.
What I realized, during our conversation, was that he doesn't remember things the way they happened. Our time together was brief so it's easy to romanticize it but he seemed to think there was hope that we could come back together in the future.
I feel terrible for him as things haven't gone the way he planned they would in his life but I am not the solution to those problems.
Two years ago, I was a completely different person. I lacked self confidence and a plan and I still believed in happily ever afters.
I'm not saying that I now have a depressing view of the world and that I've turned into a 'Debbie Downer' (as my gran would say) but I'm more realistic now.
I've grown up a heck of a lot since then and I'm not willing to go back there.
He sounded sad. I get it. His life isn't the way he'd imagined it.
I pitied him a little. I want him to have a good life but the way he talked about the small semblance of a relationship we had made me realize he's desperate for things to really be that way.
Mismembering things doesn't erase what happened - it just makes it more cozy for your own head.
I felt bad when I set him straight a couple of times but when he told me he was sad but not surprised that I was seeing someone, I had to cut the crap and be honest.
I told him that, while I hoped he met someone amazing in the future, I wasn't going to be with him ever again.
He's not even remembering me right.
I'm not even close to the same person I was two years ago so even if he did know that person extremely well, I'm not that same girl today.
I truly hope things change for him.
I, however, am happy.
I'm starting college on the 29th and I can't wait to get started.
I just hope the people are nice.
I keep having this fear that they'll be scary monsters.
And I have to spend 24 hours (in total over three days) a week with them.
I might even need to start a study group so you can understand why it would suck if they were scary monsters.
I suppose I'll only really know when I have my open day on the 22nd.
I'll try not to be too freaked out...
I have no idea when the next time I'll write will be but I hope it's soon.
Jessica
xoxo
Just kidding. That's way too cheesy.
Time flies when you're working non-stop and have a new social life.
Has it really been over two months since my last post?
Huh.
Well, a lot has happened.
Especially in the last month.
I've lost a friend (she wasn't that great of a person so it's not such a loss. I'm actually glad she's not in my life anymore. All she ever did was care about herself, judge me endlessly and make me think I was a terrible person), made new friends and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.
The first big thing I did was that I actually went on a work night out.
I've been working at Hollister since January but, until that Saturday night in June, I had never even tried to see them outside of work.
I went to a party, on my own, and talked to people I've been working with for six months (by that point) and immediately wondered why it had taken me so long.
They weren't terrifying monsters or anything like it.
They're good, fun people.
In the four weeks since that party, I have gone on a few more nights out and made more friends with the amazing people I work with.
I'm just so frustrated at myself for staying scared for so long.
Okay, it's a big deal to go somewhere on your own when you don't really know anybody but I want to move in a few years - how can that happen when I'm terrified of going to things on my own?
Another thing I did was actually decide on a few things about my future.
A friend at work helped me with that.
Another person at work made me feel so much better about the whole 'college before uni' thing.
So I'm going to get my grades in order. go to uni and study Criminology and Sociology.
Of course, I'm not naive enough to think everything's going to work out that way and that I'll never change my mind on anything ever but... It could happen that way.
I just know I want to really try this year at college and get good grades and work hard.
It's about time I grew up a little.
The most recent thing I did was talk to my ex boyfriend.
I dated him two years ago and he's followed me on different social media platforms since then so I finally followed him back on Instagram and opened up that box to reexamine.
I just wanted to know why he's been so insistent over the years.
What I realized, during our conversation, was that he doesn't remember things the way they happened. Our time together was brief so it's easy to romanticize it but he seemed to think there was hope that we could come back together in the future.
I feel terrible for him as things haven't gone the way he planned they would in his life but I am not the solution to those problems.
Two years ago, I was a completely different person. I lacked self confidence and a plan and I still believed in happily ever afters.
I'm not saying that I now have a depressing view of the world and that I've turned into a 'Debbie Downer' (as my gran would say) but I'm more realistic now.
I've grown up a heck of a lot since then and I'm not willing to go back there.
He sounded sad. I get it. His life isn't the way he'd imagined it.
I pitied him a little. I want him to have a good life but the way he talked about the small semblance of a relationship we had made me realize he's desperate for things to really be that way.
Mismembering things doesn't erase what happened - it just makes it more cozy for your own head.
I felt bad when I set him straight a couple of times but when he told me he was sad but not surprised that I was seeing someone, I had to cut the crap and be honest.
I told him that, while I hoped he met someone amazing in the future, I wasn't going to be with him ever again.
He's not even remembering me right.
I'm not even close to the same person I was two years ago so even if he did know that person extremely well, I'm not that same girl today.
I truly hope things change for him.
I, however, am happy.
I'm starting college on the 29th and I can't wait to get started.
I just hope the people are nice.
I keep having this fear that they'll be scary monsters.
And I have to spend 24 hours (in total over three days) a week with them.
I might even need to start a study group so you can understand why it would suck if they were scary monsters.
I suppose I'll only really know when I have my open day on the 22nd.
I'll try not to be too freaked out...
I have no idea when the next time I'll write will be but I hope it's soon.
Jessica
xoxo
Thursday, 2 June 2016
Five Stages, Four Weeks, Three Moments
It's strange how quickly time passes.
One moment, you're a child getting a hot water bottle and soup when you're sick and the next... You're an adult.
It's felt a bit like I'm watching my life from the sidelines, recently.
Oscar died four weeks ago today and it's three days until the fifth which will be the official '1 Month Anniversary'.
It's odd because I don't normally have 'out of body experiences' but it's been a long few months.
Oscar dying has affected me more than I could ever have known and I cry now. Randomly. At least twice a week.
I'm a terrible over-thinker and anything could make me cry.
Thinking about him for two long, hearing a bell that sounds like his, the fact that his food bowl now holds my keys...
They say there are five stages of grief. I kinda figured they'd come in order and that, once I hit acceptance, I'd be okay again. That doesn't really happen.
My experience has been a learning curve.
Denial: I've never really been good with denial. For some reason, my brain just won't let me deny the unfortunate facts. The only times I've had moments of it has been whenever I think I hear him. Even if I'm seconds from falling asleep, I'll get out of bed and go to check - just in case.
He's never there but I have to make sure.
I always return to bed disappointed.
Anger: Again, this isn't a major stage for me. I'm not an angry person because I hate the feeling I have when I'm angry, It's a wasted emotion. It doesn't help you get better. It just helps you be mad. If that makes sense.
I have had moments where I'm mad/sad that he's gone. I just don't get it. I don't understand why he's gone when there were so many things we had to do together, so many years I needed to be with him. It doesn't make sense.
Bargaining: The amount of times I've begged God to swap my sister or myself for Oscar is embarrassing... I don't mean it in a nasty way. I just want him home. I want my baby back. He never comes though and God never answers. If God hears me, he's not replying.
Depression: Sadly, this stage is the one I have the most experience with. I suffered with depression after I stopped being friends with two of my best friends back in 2011 and it's never gone away entirely. The only difference now is that it's not as powerful. I'm coping better.
Sadly, it does mean that these last four weeks have been a really difficult struggle.
There are times when I just don't want to be here because Oscar's in heaven and he's 'waiting for me'. It comes and goes like the tide but it's not really gotten any easier. Like I thought it would. I have hope though.
Acceptance: Strangely enough, I do accept that he's gone. I accept he's not coming back.
I just wish he was. I want to hold him and love him and bug him constantly. Coming home isn't as fun lately. I don't rush, I don't get excited. I used to call his name whenever I'd come home and he'd rarely respond but coming home to him made every hardship I had that day or that week seem a little easier to handle.
There's nothing I don't miss about Oscar. Nothing. I don't expect that to ever go away.
I just wish I had more videos of him. I snapchatted him constantly but that's not the same.
I burst into tears last week because I couldn't remember the way his meow sounded.
The three main moments, mentioned in the title, have been:
The day after he died, the one-week anniversary and the day we brought his ashes home.
Each of those days were significant because they were moments I truly realized he was gone. The day we brought him home was almost as hard as the day he died. I had him, in my arms, in a box. A box. A little, round, green box with his name on it.
I'll never forget that day. I collected him and burst into tears. When I got home, I took him out and just held him while I talked to my mum for about an hour. I didn't let him go for one second.
He sleeps on my bed now, with his collar beside him.
I have amazing friends though. The girl I met at college has listened to every part of this journey and never judged me - even when I've said ridiculous things. I love her for that.
And my best friend from school? She messages me every single day to make sure I'm okay.
I have other friends who have sent their condolences and shared experiences and it does help.
I just have to accept that this chapter of my life is going to be the hardest but it will get easier, with time.
Until it does, I'm going to keep being that weird girl who carries her dead cat's collar around wherever she goes but I'm okay with that.
Let's just hope June is better.
Jessica
xoxo
One moment, you're a child getting a hot water bottle and soup when you're sick and the next... You're an adult.
It's felt a bit like I'm watching my life from the sidelines, recently.
Oscar died four weeks ago today and it's three days until the fifth which will be the official '1 Month Anniversary'.
It's odd because I don't normally have 'out of body experiences' but it's been a long few months.
Oscar dying has affected me more than I could ever have known and I cry now. Randomly. At least twice a week.
I'm a terrible over-thinker and anything could make me cry.
Thinking about him for two long, hearing a bell that sounds like his, the fact that his food bowl now holds my keys...
They say there are five stages of grief. I kinda figured they'd come in order and that, once I hit acceptance, I'd be okay again. That doesn't really happen.
My experience has been a learning curve.
Denial: I've never really been good with denial. For some reason, my brain just won't let me deny the unfortunate facts. The only times I've had moments of it has been whenever I think I hear him. Even if I'm seconds from falling asleep, I'll get out of bed and go to check - just in case.
He's never there but I have to make sure.
I always return to bed disappointed.
Anger: Again, this isn't a major stage for me. I'm not an angry person because I hate the feeling I have when I'm angry, It's a wasted emotion. It doesn't help you get better. It just helps you be mad. If that makes sense.
I have had moments where I'm mad/sad that he's gone. I just don't get it. I don't understand why he's gone when there were so many things we had to do together, so many years I needed to be with him. It doesn't make sense.
Bargaining: The amount of times I've begged God to swap my sister or myself for Oscar is embarrassing... I don't mean it in a nasty way. I just want him home. I want my baby back. He never comes though and God never answers. If God hears me, he's not replying.
Depression: Sadly, this stage is the one I have the most experience with. I suffered with depression after I stopped being friends with two of my best friends back in 2011 and it's never gone away entirely. The only difference now is that it's not as powerful. I'm coping better.
Sadly, it does mean that these last four weeks have been a really difficult struggle.
There are times when I just don't want to be here because Oscar's in heaven and he's 'waiting for me'. It comes and goes like the tide but it's not really gotten any easier. Like I thought it would. I have hope though.
Acceptance: Strangely enough, I do accept that he's gone. I accept he's not coming back.
I just wish he was. I want to hold him and love him and bug him constantly. Coming home isn't as fun lately. I don't rush, I don't get excited. I used to call his name whenever I'd come home and he'd rarely respond but coming home to him made every hardship I had that day or that week seem a little easier to handle.
There's nothing I don't miss about Oscar. Nothing. I don't expect that to ever go away.
I just wish I had more videos of him. I snapchatted him constantly but that's not the same.
I burst into tears last week because I couldn't remember the way his meow sounded.
The three main moments, mentioned in the title, have been:
The day after he died, the one-week anniversary and the day we brought his ashes home.
Each of those days were significant because they were moments I truly realized he was gone. The day we brought him home was almost as hard as the day he died. I had him, in my arms, in a box. A box. A little, round, green box with his name on it.
I'll never forget that day. I collected him and burst into tears. When I got home, I took him out and just held him while I talked to my mum for about an hour. I didn't let him go for one second.
He sleeps on my bed now, with his collar beside him.
I have amazing friends though. The girl I met at college has listened to every part of this journey and never judged me - even when I've said ridiculous things. I love her for that.
And my best friend from school? She messages me every single day to make sure I'm okay.
I have other friends who have sent their condolences and shared experiences and it does help.
I just have to accept that this chapter of my life is going to be the hardest but it will get easier, with time.
Until it does, I'm going to keep being that weird girl who carries her dead cat's collar around wherever she goes but I'm okay with that.
Let's just hope June is better.
Jessica
xoxo
Wednesday, 1 June 2016
Happy Birthday Marilyn!
I wish she'd had a greater life but she remains an icon for her incredible talent, her infamous look and, unfortunately, her untimely death and struggles with depression.
I wish she could have won her battles but her movies and public persona will be remembered forever.
Happy Birthday, Norma Jeane Baker.
Monday, 23 May 2016
I've Forgiven It All, You Set Me Free
Unless you've been living under a rock for the past ten hours or so, you'll recognize those lyrics from the Adele song 'Send My Love (To Your New Lover)'.
The music video (a beautiful, understated, classic black background with Adele in a floral dress blowing your mind - yet again) debuted at the Billboard Music Awards last night and I have watched it about a hundred times since.
The video came at an interesting time for me, personally, as I have finally started to realize something about myself and the way I love.
It's no secret that I loved this guy who will never love me back but I sent a text to my friend last night after I came to a realization about it.
I texted her:
Phil Dunphy, for those out there who haven't come across Modern Family, is the dad of the Dunphy kids.
Modern Family is a mockumentary about three parts of one family.
I'm not going to go into it all but Phil is my favorite character.
He's a hardworking dreamer who stops at nothing to bond with his kids. The first episode has him singing and dancing to a High School Musical song.
To cut it short, he's my dream dad.
When I was a kid, I would've loved my dad to try and figure out my interests and to do whatever it took to make me happy.
He's funny, sexy (by that, I mean his attempts are adorable. Clive Bigsby anyone?) and he never stops dreaming.
I can't really explain all the reasons as to why he's my dream guy but the bigger point is that I finally accepted something I'd been struggling to for a long time;
You can't keep chasing after ghosts, wishing they'd fall in love with you.
Life isn't one big romantic comedy.
The guy doesn't always get the girl and the girl doesn't always get the guy she's hopelessly in love with.
The girl moves on or the guy falls in love with someone else and where does that leave you?
Alone and miserable.
Last night, I had to accept that maybe, instead of me not being good enough for him, he's not right for me.
Someone can seem perfect in so many ways but, if they can't see that in you, why are you even wasting another thought on them?
You have to grow up and accept that you're worth better than wishing in someone who will never see you.
Once you accept that, you're free.
Which is why I chose those lyrics for my title.
I've forgiven everything that happened, I don't regret it because it taught me so much but I'm done with it. I'm free now.
Hold out for your Phil Dunphy.
Jessica
xoxo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk4BbF7B29w
The music video (a beautiful, understated, classic black background with Adele in a floral dress blowing your mind - yet again) debuted at the Billboard Music Awards last night and I have watched it about a hundred times since.
The video came at an interesting time for me, personally, as I have finally started to realize something about myself and the way I love.
It's no secret that I loved this guy who will never love me back but I sent a text to my friend last night after I came to a realization about it.
I texted her:
"I had an epiphany. I want a guy who gets just as excited as me about Disney. Who's strong and kind and intelligent but doesn't mind making a fool out of himself every now and then. I want Phil Dunphy"Okay, this was after two in the morning but you never know when things are gonna hit you.
Phil Dunphy, for those out there who haven't come across Modern Family, is the dad of the Dunphy kids.
Modern Family is a mockumentary about three parts of one family.
I'm not going to go into it all but Phil is my favorite character.
He's a hardworking dreamer who stops at nothing to bond with his kids. The first episode has him singing and dancing to a High School Musical song.
To cut it short, he's my dream dad.
When I was a kid, I would've loved my dad to try and figure out my interests and to do whatever it took to make me happy.
He's funny, sexy (by that, I mean his attempts are adorable. Clive Bigsby anyone?) and he never stops dreaming.
I can't really explain all the reasons as to why he's my dream guy but the bigger point is that I finally accepted something I'd been struggling to for a long time;
You can't keep chasing after ghosts, wishing they'd fall in love with you.
Life isn't one big romantic comedy.
The guy doesn't always get the girl and the girl doesn't always get the guy she's hopelessly in love with.
The girl moves on or the guy falls in love with someone else and where does that leave you?
Alone and miserable.
Last night, I had to accept that maybe, instead of me not being good enough for him, he's not right for me.
Someone can seem perfect in so many ways but, if they can't see that in you, why are you even wasting another thought on them?
You have to grow up and accept that you're worth better than wishing in someone who will never see you.
Once you accept that, you're free.
Which is why I chose those lyrics for my title.
I've forgiven everything that happened, I don't regret it because it taught me so much but I'm done with it. I'm free now.
Hold out for your Phil Dunphy.
Jessica
xoxo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk4BbF7B29w
Thursday, 12 May 2016
Dear Oscar
Hey honey,
Well, it's been a week since you died and not much has happened.
I've been sad since you left.
I've cried so much I'm surprised I have any tears in me left to fall.
Yet, still, they come.
I've gotten used to missing you.
I no longer burst into tears when I see your missing bowls or litter tray.
I don't cry every time I realize the last time I saw you was the last time.
I'm not mad at the world for taking you.
When we first got you, I was so angry at my gran.
Our dog had been re-homed mere months earlier and I thought we were replacing him.
Now, I realize that, while saying 'Goodbye' to him was painful, we couldn't have met you if we hadn't.
I wasn't very nice to you at the beginning and I would always, jokingly, moan about you to my friends - some of whom thought I hated you because of it.
I was constantly trying to reaffirm the fact that I am a dog person.
It's only now that I realize I was an Oscar person too.
Missing you comes in waves.
I'll be fine for a while and then, suddenly, I'll think I hear you at the window or I'll come through the door and shout your name. Only to remember there's no one there to hear me.
Yesterday, I was food shopping and I went down the pet food isle on auto-pilot. When I remembered you were gone, I broke down in tears in the middle of the store.
I didn't tell you 'I love you' enough.
You were a great cat and I didn't tell you that much. The last time we saw each other, I kissed your head and told you I loved you in broken whispers until you slipped away from me.
I hope you knew. I hope you know, now, that I loved you more than most things in this world.
I still carry your collar wherever I go.
I don't know why. It won't bring you back. I guess it makes me feel close to you.
Certain items have found their way into my bedroom.
Your water bowl, your brush, your collar (of course)...
You deserved more time than you got, Oscar.
You were nine years old. That's not an age to die at.
We only had you for three years but, in that short a time, you changed our lives for the better.
You were funny, annoying, boring, cute and mine.
The thing about you though is that even the boring or annoying bits weren't bad.
I'm never going to forget when I'd come through the door after a few hours or days away from home and you'd walk out of my bedroom at the sound of your name, only to pause and turn your head to glare at me. I'd ask my gran about you afterwards and she'd tell me you'd been sleeping on my bed the whole time.
I knew you missed me, Oscar. Even if you were prideful.
As for me, whenever I was gone (even just for a night), I'd text my gran about you.
'How's Oscar', 'What's my baby doing', 'Has he gone into my room yet'
I know you loved me. Even if you were really subtle about it.
I hope I never forget my favourite moments.
You waking my up at 5AM because you wanted food.
When you would come into my room and moan at me until I made space in the bed for you to sit and be petted.
The sight of you curled up at the end of my bed.
The fact that you got clingier whenever my gran went into hospital.
What am I going to do now, Oscar?
Who's going to walk into the bathroom and sit glaring at me whenever I'm singing too loudly in the shower?
Who am I going to lean on when my gran's in the hospital and I'm all alone?
I don't know.
I have great friends who are helping me through losing you.
I guess I can go to them.
I just want to thank you.
You were a great companion to me for three years and I love you so much.
I don't know if you're still here with me or if there's a God up there who's looking after you but, whatever's happening, please don't forget that I love and miss you.
If you see me crying, don't worry. I just wish you were here.
I'm glad you're not in pain anymore. I'm sorry I didn't do more to save you.
I'll be up soon, okay?
I won't be long.
You're not alone.
Well, it's been a week since you died and not much has happened.
I've been sad since you left.
I've cried so much I'm surprised I have any tears in me left to fall.
Yet, still, they come.
I've gotten used to missing you.
I no longer burst into tears when I see your missing bowls or litter tray.
I don't cry every time I realize the last time I saw you was the last time.
I'm not mad at the world for taking you.
When we first got you, I was so angry at my gran.
Our dog had been re-homed mere months earlier and I thought we were replacing him.
Now, I realize that, while saying 'Goodbye' to him was painful, we couldn't have met you if we hadn't.
I wasn't very nice to you at the beginning and I would always, jokingly, moan about you to my friends - some of whom thought I hated you because of it.
I was constantly trying to reaffirm the fact that I am a dog person.
It's only now that I realize I was an Oscar person too.
Missing you comes in waves.
I'll be fine for a while and then, suddenly, I'll think I hear you at the window or I'll come through the door and shout your name. Only to remember there's no one there to hear me.
Yesterday, I was food shopping and I went down the pet food isle on auto-pilot. When I remembered you were gone, I broke down in tears in the middle of the store.
I didn't tell you 'I love you' enough.
You were a great cat and I didn't tell you that much. The last time we saw each other, I kissed your head and told you I loved you in broken whispers until you slipped away from me.
I hope you knew. I hope you know, now, that I loved you more than most things in this world.
I still carry your collar wherever I go.
I don't know why. It won't bring you back. I guess it makes me feel close to you.
Certain items have found their way into my bedroom.
Your water bowl, your brush, your collar (of course)...
You deserved more time than you got, Oscar.
You were nine years old. That's not an age to die at.
We only had you for three years but, in that short a time, you changed our lives for the better.
You were funny, annoying, boring, cute and mine.
The thing about you though is that even the boring or annoying bits weren't bad.
I'm never going to forget when I'd come through the door after a few hours or days away from home and you'd walk out of my bedroom at the sound of your name, only to pause and turn your head to glare at me. I'd ask my gran about you afterwards and she'd tell me you'd been sleeping on my bed the whole time.
I knew you missed me, Oscar. Even if you were prideful.
As for me, whenever I was gone (even just for a night), I'd text my gran about you.
'How's Oscar', 'What's my baby doing', 'Has he gone into my room yet'
I know you loved me. Even if you were really subtle about it.
I hope I never forget my favourite moments.
You waking my up at 5AM because you wanted food.
When you would come into my room and moan at me until I made space in the bed for you to sit and be petted.
The sight of you curled up at the end of my bed.
The fact that you got clingier whenever my gran went into hospital.
What am I going to do now, Oscar?
Who's going to walk into the bathroom and sit glaring at me whenever I'm singing too loudly in the shower?
Who am I going to lean on when my gran's in the hospital and I'm all alone?
I don't know.
I have great friends who are helping me through losing you.
I guess I can go to them.
I just want to thank you.
You were a great companion to me for three years and I love you so much.
I don't know if you're still here with me or if there's a God up there who's looking after you but, whatever's happening, please don't forget that I love and miss you.
If you see me crying, don't worry. I just wish you were here.
I'm glad you're not in pain anymore. I'm sorry I didn't do more to save you.
I'll be up soon, okay?
I won't be long.
You're not alone.
'Till then, Sleeping Beauty, sleep on...'
I guess it's time for me to finish this 'letter', huh?
You'd be sleeping the whole time I was writing this if you were here.
If you were here though, I wouldn't have to write this.
I need to say 'Goodbye' to you.
It'll be a long time before I stop grieving you but I should say that, at least.
It's been a week since you died and I still miss you just as much as the first day.
'I loved you then, I love you still.
In my heart, you hold a place that no one could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you but you didn't go alone.
Because part of us went with you the day God took you home'
Goodbye Oscar. Bobo, Bobo's meme, Poquito, Mosquito, Shmeme, Button, Babushka, Honey, Momo, Ozmoz, Ozmeme, Mozmeme, Oz...
Never forget that I love you.
Rest In Peace.
Love, Mummy
P.S. I hope you're eating endless amounts of food now that you have healthy gums!
Enjoy chasing those pigeons!
I guess it's time for me to finish this 'letter', huh?
You'd be sleeping the whole time I was writing this if you were here.
If you were here though, I wouldn't have to write this.
I need to say 'Goodbye' to you.
It'll be a long time before I stop grieving you but I should say that, at least.
It's been a week since you died and I still miss you just as much as the first day.
'I loved you then, I love you still.
In my heart, you hold a place that no one could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you but you didn't go alone.
Because part of us went with you the day God took you home'
Goodbye Oscar. Bobo, Bobo's meme, Poquito, Mosquito, Shmeme, Button, Babushka, Honey, Momo, Ozmoz, Ozmeme, Mozmeme, Oz...
Never forget that I love you.
Rest In Peace.
Love, Mummy
P.S. I hope you're eating endless amounts of food now that you have healthy gums!
Enjoy chasing those pigeons!
Thursday, 5 May 2016
Just Enough
I always wanted a cat.
When I was younger, I'd bug my mum constantly about letting me get one and I never forgot it.
As I grew up, I got Barbie houses and dogs and even a Fur-Real cat!
And still, every year, the word 'cat' went on my Christmas list.
I never got one.
I loved my dogs though and my Lhasa Apso, Benji, was the love of my life.
He was a puppy when we got him and we grew up together.
His little face and never ending excitement whenever I walked through the door or called his name are memories I will treasure forever.
In 2012, we lost him as he had to be rehomed due to my gran's illness.
Then came mice.
My gran's solution to that problem was to get Oscar.
Oscar was about six years old when we got him. A rescue cat brought in by drunk people who, instantly, purred his way into our hearts when we met the big furball.
I'll never forget the day I met him.
I walked into the house, already ranting to my gran about something while I ditched my keys. When I walked into the living room, I saw this cat staring at me.
He was big and brown with a white tummy and paws and he was the most beautiful cat I'd ever seen.
I sat down on the chair in the living room and he sat in front of me.
I meowed at him and he did the same back.
He never shut up after that.
In the years that followed my childhood, my wish of getting a cat slowly evaporated as I grew into a dog person.
Years later, here I was faced with this thing I used to pray I'd get.
I named him Oscar, after Oscar Wilde and Oscar de la Renta, and I fell in love with him.
It was slow, at first, but his non-stop meowing and constant whining to get into the bathroom so he could drink from the tap (his favourite past time other than sleep) melted my dog-loving heart.
He was perfect.
Hilarious and always there to come home to after a long day.
Whenever my gran has gone into hospital, it's been Oscar who I've had to relax me and entertain me and who would never leave my side.
He's changed everything for the better.
And he'll never even know.
Three years later and his little body is breaking.
He has gum and kidney disease and a large tumor on his abdomen.
He can't cope anymore and he's in pain.
Which is why my gran and I made the painful decision to have him put to eternal sleep.
Our last night together was awful.
For the entire day after I heard the news, I barely stopped crying to breathe.
I took him to the vet last week where they discovered the tumor and gum disease. They took blood tests to find out if there was anything else that would be dangerous for him if he were to have a biopsy.
At 10am yesterday morning, they called to say it was severe kidney disease.
It was weird because, seconds before, I posted what would turn out to be my last photo of Oscar and I while he was alive.
I captioned it 'Wednesdays With Oscar'.
I had no idea that it would be my last Wednesday.
I barely slept last night.
I go between crying and being numb and then unable to breathe.
I know, to some people, it may seem silly to get this emotional over a pet but Oscar was like an anchor to me and he's my first real experience of death, except for Cory Monteith in 2013.
He's special and beautiful and I really thought it'd be him and me until the end.
It's just sad that his end and my end aren't anywhere close to each other.
He didn't eat his breakfast.
I tried tempting him with a can of tuna and, after about ten minutes, he emerged from under my bed (where he's been sleeping recently) and took a few bites.
He gave up after a minute and went back under the bed.
I read the ending of John Groban's 'Marley and Me'. The bits about his dog's death.
Call me masochistic but I wanted a general idea of what I'd be dealing with.
It made me cry.
But it was beautiful.
John never left Marley and, in the end, he said 'Goodbye' in the best way he could.
I wrapped him up in a school hoodie I sometimes sleep in to take him to the vet's. I didn't want to stress him out by putting him in his carrier.
I paused before we went inside but the vet talked it through with me and I nodded.
Tears steamed down my face and I kept him in my arms for a long time.
I asked for a minute alone and she gave me a few.
I picked Oscar up for the last time and laid out my hoodie on the table before putting him back on it.
I didn't want him to die on a cold, hard table.
I told Oscar all about how I used to want a cat. I told him I was sorry for everything I didn't do and that I didn't want him to die but that he wouldn't be in pain anymore. I told him I loved him.
When everyone came back in, I shifted and kissed him. As the needle went into his little front leg, I kissed his head and whispered 'I love you' to my cat before he took his final breath.
The vet pronounced him dead a few seconds later.
He wasn't in pain, he wasn't alone and the last thing he saw/heard was me telling him I loved him.
I stayed with him for a while after that. I didn't want to leave him.
I took his collar. We're getting him cremated and we're going to scatter his ashes in the garden he loved so much.
I miss him. Whenever his bell rings, it's because I can't let go of it and no longer because he's coming around the corner.
I'm not okay. I don't know when I will be but I have amazing friends who will help me through this.
I just wish we could've saved him.
But I think he stayed with us for just enough time for him. He never showed us his pain or let us know about it.
Maybe it's because he didn't want to hurt us, maybe he was just private.
I don't know.
What I do know is that I am grateful for every single moment I had with him.
I'm grateful for the fact he slept in my bedroom for so many nights before he died.
And I will be eternally grateful for him choosing us to live with.
Goodbye, Oscar.
Mummy'll see you soon, baby.
Jessica
xoxo
Tuesday, 3 May 2016
Bad Things Happen In Threes
Just over a week ago, my gran went into hospital.
She woke me up at 5AM because she couldn't breathe and I stayed with her for three hours before calling an ambulance, despite her many requests not to.
The doctors told her she had pneumonia and she ended up having to be in for just over a week.
Last Thursday, I took my cat to the vet and she found a large lump on my cat Oscar's abdomen.
I broke down in tears and didn't stop crying until after my best friend came over at midnight to make sure I was okay.
Today, my uncle swore and pushed my sister because the living room wasn't cleared of my things.
My bedroom's been needing done for years.
I've been struggling to get rid of stuff since my gran and I moved into a smaller house almost seven years ago and multiple reasons over the years have stopped me from getting stuck into it.
While my gran was in hospital, a new carpet was fitted and we moved everything from my room into the living room so I could organise and get rid of things.
I haven't yet gotten everything out of it but I've been doing a little every day and I am extremely grateful for all the help I've had.
What I'm not grateful for is my uncle being self-righteous and nasty.
We've all done things we regret before.
I've said things I shouldn't have and I've apologised but he went behind my back and talked about me to my mum - which isn't even the worst part.
She called him because she was furious with his behaviour and, instead of apologising for it and admitting he was wrong, he called me out on mistakes I've made and pulled my aunt and great aunt into it, saying they were mad too.
I've always hated childishness in adults.
I mean, I'm all for getting silly at Disneyland or getting drunk just to have fun but, when it comes to serious things, I hate it.
There's a time and a place, you know?
A 46-year-old man bitching to his sister about her 20-year-old daughter is pathetic.
If you're going to be an asshole, go ahead and say it to the person's face.
I can take it!
I'm a big girl!
When I have a problem with someone, I go to them about it and try to figure out a way for it to be resolved.
Bitching about someone and refusing to accept when you're wrong is something I would've done in High School.
After the age of 12, it stops being acceptable.
I've always had a complicated relationship with my family because I can't trust a lot of them but I've been mending my relationship with my mum and she has my back.
My uncle though? Once I move, I'm never talking to him again.
People who can't admit when they're wrong and who act like children when they get older are pathetic and I don't need that in my life.
Jessica
xoxo
She woke me up at 5AM because she couldn't breathe and I stayed with her for three hours before calling an ambulance, despite her many requests not to.
The doctors told her she had pneumonia and she ended up having to be in for just over a week.
Last Thursday, I took my cat to the vet and she found a large lump on my cat Oscar's abdomen.
I broke down in tears and didn't stop crying until after my best friend came over at midnight to make sure I was okay.
Today, my uncle swore and pushed my sister because the living room wasn't cleared of my things.
My bedroom's been needing done for years.
I've been struggling to get rid of stuff since my gran and I moved into a smaller house almost seven years ago and multiple reasons over the years have stopped me from getting stuck into it.
While my gran was in hospital, a new carpet was fitted and we moved everything from my room into the living room so I could organise and get rid of things.
I haven't yet gotten everything out of it but I've been doing a little every day and I am extremely grateful for all the help I've had.
What I'm not grateful for is my uncle being self-righteous and nasty.
We've all done things we regret before.
I've said things I shouldn't have and I've apologised but he went behind my back and talked about me to my mum - which isn't even the worst part.
She called him because she was furious with his behaviour and, instead of apologising for it and admitting he was wrong, he called me out on mistakes I've made and pulled my aunt and great aunt into it, saying they were mad too.
I've always hated childishness in adults.
I mean, I'm all for getting silly at Disneyland or getting drunk just to have fun but, when it comes to serious things, I hate it.
There's a time and a place, you know?
A 46-year-old man bitching to his sister about her 20-year-old daughter is pathetic.
If you're going to be an asshole, go ahead and say it to the person's face.
I can take it!
I'm a big girl!
When I have a problem with someone, I go to them about it and try to figure out a way for it to be resolved.
Bitching about someone and refusing to accept when you're wrong is something I would've done in High School.
After the age of 12, it stops being acceptable.
I've always had a complicated relationship with my family because I can't trust a lot of them but I've been mending my relationship with my mum and she has my back.
My uncle though? Once I move, I'm never talking to him again.
People who can't admit when they're wrong and who act like children when they get older are pathetic and I don't need that in my life.
Jessica
xoxo
Wednesday, 20 April 2016
Why Meeting Up With Old Friends Is Important
It's common knowledge that, as we grow older and move on to different careers or cities, we lose track of people we knew when we were younger.
It's neither a good or a bad thing; it's just something that happens as our opinions and personalities develop.
I met up with a person I wasn't that close with in either Primary or High School but someone who has been there for a lot of my key moments in life and who I share experiences with (same class in Primary School, same circle of friends in Primary/High School).
Since we graduated, our lives have zig-zagged in and out of each others and we meet up from time to time - something we didn't even do much in High School.
One of the biggest things I've noticed since then is that we've both matured an awful lot.
From our fashion to our goals and everything in between. there's not much that hasn't changed or developed in the three years since graduation.
One of my favourite things that's improved is how evenly we can carry a conversation.
I have always struggled with the massive insecurity that I'm not smart.
My best friend got a flush of A's in High School and she's at one of the best universities in the United Kingdom. While she's never judged me for not getting good grades in school or getting into a top university, I have always felt inadequate and like I need to compensate for something in our relationship.
Since high school, my confidence has grown in a lot of ways but not in terms of my intelligence insecurities.
Which is annoying as Hell.
The friend I met with the other day has always been one of those incredibly smart people.
Like my best friend, she got great grades and she has a lot of strong beliefs she stands by which, despite not agreeing with all of them, I really admire.
Our conversations were actually extremely well-balanced.
There were a few topics we brushed over that we knew the other didn't agree with but, instead of getting into a childish squabble, we glossed over it with ease and respected each other's opinions.
She's grown into such an interesting young woman but, if you told me ten years ago that she'd be one of the people I'd still thoroughly enjoy meeting up with after school had finished, I probably would've rolled my eyes and gave you a sarcastic comment.
I'm glad that she surprised me.
She's different to me in so many ways but it helps me grow as a person as I learn to accept her opinions and actually listen.
Instead of High School me who decided everything she believed was right and didn't want to listen to another view if it contradicted her own.
She's going back to university later this year and I can't wait to visit her.
She even gave me advice on my own life and how I could get back into school and studying.
She's a fascinating person who has turned into this brave, wonderful feminist.
Our conversations were fluent and easygoing and we talked about everything.
It was a really fun few hours and I'm looking forward to getting to do it again soon.
I don't know if we'll stay friends or, if like my friend from nursery, we'll grow apart in years to come but I have faith in this friendship.
Taylor Swift says she likes to surround herself with independent women who inspire her to be better (I'm paraphrasing but she said something similar) and I agree.
If you stick with friends who never change and don't help you progress in life, you end up stuck.
I'm glad I'm not the same person I was ten years ago because I could have missed out on a really great person.
So, for however long we end up being friends, I'm incredibly grateful for her different opinions and 'strong feminist' attitude.
The people you knew when you were younger are so significant in our lives and I feel like we lose track of that sometimes because life gets in the way and you forget.
Whatever happens I hope we never forget the person we once were.
They might have been gone for a long time but the people you knew growing up and the person you used to be shaped you into who you are today.
Jessica
xoxo
It's neither a good or a bad thing; it's just something that happens as our opinions and personalities develop.
I met up with a person I wasn't that close with in either Primary or High School but someone who has been there for a lot of my key moments in life and who I share experiences with (same class in Primary School, same circle of friends in Primary/High School).
Since we graduated, our lives have zig-zagged in and out of each others and we meet up from time to time - something we didn't even do much in High School.
One of the biggest things I've noticed since then is that we've both matured an awful lot.
From our fashion to our goals and everything in between. there's not much that hasn't changed or developed in the three years since graduation.
One of my favourite things that's improved is how evenly we can carry a conversation.
I have always struggled with the massive insecurity that I'm not smart.
My best friend got a flush of A's in High School and she's at one of the best universities in the United Kingdom. While she's never judged me for not getting good grades in school or getting into a top university, I have always felt inadequate and like I need to compensate for something in our relationship.
Since high school, my confidence has grown in a lot of ways but not in terms of my intelligence insecurities.
Which is annoying as Hell.
The friend I met with the other day has always been one of those incredibly smart people.
Like my best friend, she got great grades and she has a lot of strong beliefs she stands by which, despite not agreeing with all of them, I really admire.
Our conversations were actually extremely well-balanced.
There were a few topics we brushed over that we knew the other didn't agree with but, instead of getting into a childish squabble, we glossed over it with ease and respected each other's opinions.
She's grown into such an interesting young woman but, if you told me ten years ago that she'd be one of the people I'd still thoroughly enjoy meeting up with after school had finished, I probably would've rolled my eyes and gave you a sarcastic comment.
I'm glad that she surprised me.
She's different to me in so many ways but it helps me grow as a person as I learn to accept her opinions and actually listen.
Instead of High School me who decided everything she believed was right and didn't want to listen to another view if it contradicted her own.
She's going back to university later this year and I can't wait to visit her.
She even gave me advice on my own life and how I could get back into school and studying.
She's a fascinating person who has turned into this brave, wonderful feminist.
Our conversations were fluent and easygoing and we talked about everything.
It was a really fun few hours and I'm looking forward to getting to do it again soon.
I don't know if we'll stay friends or, if like my friend from nursery, we'll grow apart in years to come but I have faith in this friendship.
Taylor Swift says she likes to surround herself with independent women who inspire her to be better (I'm paraphrasing but she said something similar) and I agree.
If you stick with friends who never change and don't help you progress in life, you end up stuck.
I'm glad I'm not the same person I was ten years ago because I could have missed out on a really great person.
So, for however long we end up being friends, I'm incredibly grateful for her different opinions and 'strong feminist' attitude.
The people you knew when you were younger are so significant in our lives and I feel like we lose track of that sometimes because life gets in the way and you forget.
Whatever happens I hope we never forget the person we once were.
They might have been gone for a long time but the people you knew growing up and the person you used to be shaped you into who you are today.
Jessica
xoxo
Tuesday, 19 April 2016
Cats Vs. Dogs • Debatable
Having had both a cat and dogs, I'm so far on the dog side.
Cats can be cute (there's a cat I see while on my way home from nights out sometimes that nuzzles against my legs and is really sweet) but they also know their place in the home. That place is as the VIP.
I have never felt more loved and appreciated in my house than when I had dogs. My old dog Benji would run to greet me at the door and give me kisses and cuddles - one time, I was ill and laying around on the couch and he got biscuits. He nudged one towards me with his nose because he thought it might help and he didn't leave my side until I got better.
My cat Oscar (who I got after Benji) doesn't even acknowledge my existence when I get home. He could not care less.
Dogs are affectionate, kind, loving and will always be your biggest fan.
Cats like to remind you of your place in the household by letting you pet them when they SAY you can pet them.
God forbid you have a bad day and need a cuddle.
It's funny to see the difference between Team Cat and Team Dog though.
I think it's really easy to tell who's a Dog Person or a Cat Person at times.
I mean, I'm a passionate dog person who's okay with cats. One of my best friends (a cosplaying, super-talented singer I met at college) is a cat person.
I'm extremely outgoing and will talk to, literally, anyone. She laughs at me for it. But cats and dogs, ultimately, compliment each other extremely well. Just like her and I.
So, whether you're a cat or a dog person, embrace it and be your awesome self. Uniqueness is important in everything. Have fun with it.
Jessica
xoxo
Monday, 18 April 2016
Frenemies
This morning on the British version of 'The Talk', 'Loose Women', one of their topics was on whether or not friendship breakups are equal to breakups with a partner.
I haven't experienced a breakup upsetting enough to equate the loss of a friendship but I definitely think a friendship breakup is on the same level as some relationships.
As Nadia Sawalha said on 'Loose Women' today, we fall in love with friends in certain ways.
We get to know these people and connect over similar interests and we end up seeing them as much as we're able to.
You bond with your friend, telling secrets, getting life/love advice from them, consoling and being consoled by them...
Friendships are incredibly important relationships in our lives as we learn from these people and grow with them.
The friendships you have in life end up defining you.
But you shouldn't keep friends in your life out of some sense of duty.
I have one friend from primary school that I'm still in touch with. 16 years later and we're still as close as ever. She's lived twenty minutes away from me my whole life and, although we've gone down different paths, she still makes me feel just as important and included as she did when we saw each other every day in school.
We've had hiccups though.
We went to different high schools for a few weeks and I worried we'd stop being friends altogether.
The phone calls grew less and less frequent and we both made new friends.
We worked through it though.
She came to my high school in the end and, even though I had a new best friend (an amazing, fun, bubbly, kind and driven girl I automatically idolized), we stayed close.
She's the only person I've been on holiday with and we have so many memories together that life without her just isn't conceivable.
My high school best friend is a regret.
Not because I regret our friendship but I ended up being really naive and stupid and we said things out of anger which caused the ending of one of the most important friendships of my life.
Our other friend, who I also lost, was someone I ended up talking things through with after a few months and we were able to work it out and she's one of my favourite people in the world. She's funny, sarcastic, talented and absolutely incredible.
I'm glad we saved our friendship but I hate how I lost them both at that time.
My best friend in high school is someone I still admire and respect. I see her, from time to time, and we catch up like old friends. I'm so incredibly grateful for that. I didn't lose her completely, even after my mistake.
But it'll never be like it used to be and I have to accept that.
Losing two friends at once, although it was through my own idiocy, was awful.
I got really low, didn't want to leave the house or talk to anyone and gained weight (I went up two dress sizes). It was awful.
Definitely as painful as a breakup.
Since then, the main friendship I've lost is the girl from nursery.
With that, the break wasn't sudden and it wasn't my fault so I don't carry any guilt from that as I know I tried everything I could to save it.
It still hurt though, despite her phasing me out over time.
I used to love how different we were and how close we were. I could tell her anything and our families had known each other for years. We experienced so much together, all for her to decide I wasn't worth her friendship 17 years later.
But losing a friend you've had for almost 20 years isn't, necessarily, a bad thing.
I'm talking about it broadly and not just my experience.
You grow as you get older; emotionally and spiritually.
You're not always going to have the same friends you've had since you were five years old because things change.
People change, move, gain new experiences and new friends...
Circumstance is a funny thing.
Once you leave school or a job or a city, you find out the people who you were only friends with because you saw them every day.
The people you meet along the road are going to shape you and your experiences in life will mean you might not have room for people you no longer share anything in common with and that's okay.
But it's important not to keep toxic people in your life ('frenemies') as they'll only hold you back from your dreams and goals.
That's all from me!
Jessica
xoxo
I haven't experienced a breakup upsetting enough to equate the loss of a friendship but I definitely think a friendship breakup is on the same level as some relationships.
As Nadia Sawalha said on 'Loose Women' today, we fall in love with friends in certain ways.
We get to know these people and connect over similar interests and we end up seeing them as much as we're able to.
You bond with your friend, telling secrets, getting life/love advice from them, consoling and being consoled by them...
Friendships are incredibly important relationships in our lives as we learn from these people and grow with them.
The friendships you have in life end up defining you.
But you shouldn't keep friends in your life out of some sense of duty.
I have one friend from primary school that I'm still in touch with. 16 years later and we're still as close as ever. She's lived twenty minutes away from me my whole life and, although we've gone down different paths, she still makes me feel just as important and included as she did when we saw each other every day in school.
We've had hiccups though.
We went to different high schools for a few weeks and I worried we'd stop being friends altogether.
The phone calls grew less and less frequent and we both made new friends.
We worked through it though.
She came to my high school in the end and, even though I had a new best friend (an amazing, fun, bubbly, kind and driven girl I automatically idolized), we stayed close.
She's the only person I've been on holiday with and we have so many memories together that life without her just isn't conceivable.
My high school best friend is a regret.
Not because I regret our friendship but I ended up being really naive and stupid and we said things out of anger which caused the ending of one of the most important friendships of my life.
Our other friend, who I also lost, was someone I ended up talking things through with after a few months and we were able to work it out and she's one of my favourite people in the world. She's funny, sarcastic, talented and absolutely incredible.
I'm glad we saved our friendship but I hate how I lost them both at that time.
My best friend in high school is someone I still admire and respect. I see her, from time to time, and we catch up like old friends. I'm so incredibly grateful for that. I didn't lose her completely, even after my mistake.
But it'll never be like it used to be and I have to accept that.
Losing two friends at once, although it was through my own idiocy, was awful.
I got really low, didn't want to leave the house or talk to anyone and gained weight (I went up two dress sizes). It was awful.
Definitely as painful as a breakup.
Since then, the main friendship I've lost is the girl from nursery.
With that, the break wasn't sudden and it wasn't my fault so I don't carry any guilt from that as I know I tried everything I could to save it.
It still hurt though, despite her phasing me out over time.
I used to love how different we were and how close we were. I could tell her anything and our families had known each other for years. We experienced so much together, all for her to decide I wasn't worth her friendship 17 years later.
But losing a friend you've had for almost 20 years isn't, necessarily, a bad thing.
I'm talking about it broadly and not just my experience.
You grow as you get older; emotionally and spiritually.
You're not always going to have the same friends you've had since you were five years old because things change.
People change, move, gain new experiences and new friends...
Circumstance is a funny thing.
Once you leave school or a job or a city, you find out the people who you were only friends with because you saw them every day.
The people you meet along the road are going to shape you and your experiences in life will mean you might not have room for people you no longer share anything in common with and that's okay.
But it's important not to keep toxic people in your life ('frenemies') as they'll only hold you back from your dreams and goals.
That's all from me!
Jessica
xoxo
Tuesday, 12 April 2016
Faithfully
This is a difficult post to start.
Lea Michele recently got two new tattoos.
Now, this isn't exactly 'newsworthy' but her reasons behind them touched my heart.
She posted a photo 19 hours ago of a coffee mug on her right ring finger with a beautiful paragraph underneath (next to if you look at it online) about her grandmother who, sadly, passed away earlier this week.
What a beautiful, sentimental way to pay tribute to her grandmother.
For me, if I got a tattoo to remember my gran, she'd probably roll over in her grave... She is not a fan of tattoos. But I love the coffee cup. It represents a beautiful memory Lea has of her late grandma and it's something she can look at every day and smile in remembrance of the wonderful woman who, clearly, meant so much to her.
Along with a tattoo for her grandma, she also remembered another important person in her life.
Of course, the media jumped on Lea who was his girlfriend of two years at the time.
The love they had for each other was evident from the beginning and it never faded. Cory had even publicly admitted they were a couple on The Ellen Show in December 2012, the year before he died.
Throughout their short time together, Lea and Cory flirted on Twitter and shared snippets of their enviable life together in coy Tweets and Instagram photos as well as beaming whenever asked about the other in interviews.
The love they felt for each other is that kind of soulmate love that you experience once in your life if you're lucky and I remember looking at them and knowing that I would get to see them get married, have kids...
They were soulmates. They loved each other so much and it couldn't have been more evident if you'd painted signs on their heads saying they were together.
When he died, Lea was the main person on so many fans' minds.
How do you cope when the person you've planned forever with is so cruelly and unjustly taken from you?
Lea was seen flying to Vancouver (where Cory passed away) shortly after July 13th and she later revealed Kate Hudson had let her stay at her house while she tried to cope with the loss of her 'fallen hero'.
She posted a beautiful Tweet on the 29th July 2013, sixteen days after he'd left us, thanking everyone for helping her through this time and saying that Cory would 'forever be in her heart'.
I remember talking to friends at that time and we just cried our eyes out over that Tweet.
Lea was brave in the worst possible time. She dealt with losing her boyfriend publicly and under a spotlight and she handled it with such grace and dignity.
Her first public appearance after his death was at the Teen Choice Awards in August of that year and she said the most beautiful thing to her fans after their show Glee's win:
Lea is such a strong person and, even though I don't love all of her work and I haven't been a consistent fan since the beginning, she will always hold a place in my heart.
When Glee resumed, after Season 5 filming was postponed to let the show's writers figure out how best to move forward, Lea was included in the writing of the fifth episode of that season 'The Quarterback'. That episode saw the characters saying 'Goodbye' to Finn Hudson, Cory's character on the show, and it was one of the most beautifully written episodes of any television show I've ever seen. Instead of talking about how Finn died, they focused on coming together and showing the characters grieving and remembering him before leaving you with an important life lesson about death; don't remember people for how they died, remember them for how they lived.
Rachel's heartbreaking performance of 'Make You Feel My Love' by Adele was chosen by Lea and was said to be personal to her and Cory. For Rachel, it was the first song they sang in the car together.
I remember, the night after I watched that episode, I curled up in a red T-Shirt, jeans and converse (the official 'Don't Stop Believing' outfit) and cried uncontrollably.
The thing is, I've never lost anyone that close to me (thankfully) and celebrities get into people's minds, they become part of our weekly routine as we watch their shows.
Finn was my first teenage TV crush and Cory was such an incredible guy. You wanted to get to know him because he had such a beautiful heart within him. Yes, he struggled but who doesn't have demons? I don't know if I'd react the same way now, three years on, as I did back then but his death will always be a significant moment in my life. It will always be my first experience with grief and I'll never fully understand why.
Even as I researched to make sure what I was remembering was right for some of these facts, I teared up.
People get the same way about Elvis and Diana even now.
But the dead are never forgotten. Especially not celebrities. I mean, there are videos of Elvis and Diana on YouTube and Cory is immortalised on film and on Glee. His talent lives on. It's just that he's not physically here anymore and that is really fricking sad.
Lea went on to write 'If You Say So' which is a song on her first album written about the immediate days in her world after Cory died. It's heartbreaking and I definitely cried like a baby listening to it for the first time. I still do. It showed loss in such a raw way and it was named after the last words he ever said to her.
She talked about how she'd gotten a special tattoo for Cory a few months after his death but she got a new one earlier today that represents the character he played on Glee.
On the show, Rachel got the name 'Finn' tattooed on her body after Finn died but Lea's salute to Finn Hudson was more subtle.
She got a tattoo of the number on Finn's football jersey, which has extra meaning as she posted a photo of her carrying out Finn's football memorial on her last day on set.
I don't really have anything left to say.
I'm sending Lea love and positive thoughts as she enjoys her spa day.
What a beautiful thing from a beautiful person.
Cory will never be forgotten, least of all by Lea, and I'm so glad she's keeping his memory alive in her own, loving way.
Jessica
xoxo
Lea Michele recently got two new tattoos.
Now, this isn't exactly 'newsworthy' but her reasons behind them touched my heart.
She posted a photo 19 hours ago of a coffee mug on her right ring finger with a beautiful paragraph underneath (next to if you look at it online) about her grandmother who, sadly, passed away earlier this week.
She shared some sweet anecdotes about how her gran wasn't your 'typical' grandma and 'said something inappropriate to every boyfriend' Lea ever had.
Lea has always talked about her love for her family and I hope she's healing as well as she can be right now.What a beautiful, sentimental way to pay tribute to her grandmother.
For me, if I got a tattoo to remember my gran, she'd probably roll over in her grave... She is not a fan of tattoos. But I love the coffee cup. It represents a beautiful memory Lea has of her late grandma and it's something she can look at every day and smile in remembrance of the wonderful woman who, clearly, meant so much to her.
What made me tear up though was her second tattoo.
Lea isn't new to getting tattoos - she has many others - but these two were extra personal.Along with a tattoo for her grandma, she also remembered another important person in her life.
Cory Monteith passed away on July 13th 2013.
His death left millions of fans, his family, friends and fellow celebrities heartbroken.The love they had for each other was evident from the beginning and it never faded. Cory had even publicly admitted they were a couple on The Ellen Show in December 2012, the year before he died.
Throughout their short time together, Lea and Cory flirted on Twitter and shared snippets of their enviable life together in coy Tweets and Instagram photos as well as beaming whenever asked about the other in interviews.
The love they felt for each other is that kind of soulmate love that you experience once in your life if you're lucky and I remember looking at them and knowing that I would get to see them get married, have kids...
They were soulmates. They loved each other so much and it couldn't have been more evident if you'd painted signs on their heads saying they were together.
When he died, Lea was the main person on so many fans' minds.
How do you cope when the person you've planned forever with is so cruelly and unjustly taken from you?
She posted a beautiful Tweet on the 29th July 2013, sixteen days after he'd left us, thanking everyone for helping her through this time and saying that Cory would 'forever be in her heart'.
Lea was brave in the worst possible time. She dealt with losing her boyfriend publicly and under a spotlight and she handled it with such grace and dignity.
Even reading that now tears me up.
Lea is such a strong person and, even though I don't love all of her work and I haven't been a consistent fan since the beginning, she will always hold a place in my heart.
When Glee resumed, after Season 5 filming was postponed to let the show's writers figure out how best to move forward, Lea was included in the writing of the fifth episode of that season 'The Quarterback'. That episode saw the characters saying 'Goodbye' to Finn Hudson, Cory's character on the show, and it was one of the most beautifully written episodes of any television show I've ever seen. Instead of talking about how Finn died, they focused on coming together and showing the characters grieving and remembering him before leaving you with an important life lesson about death; don't remember people for how they died, remember them for how they lived.
Rachel's heartbreaking performance of 'Make You Feel My Love' by Adele was chosen by Lea and was said to be personal to her and Cory. For Rachel, it was the first song they sang in the car together.
"Before Finn, I used to sing alone..."The entire episode was beautifully done, despite many scenes having to be filmed in one take many times due to the actors' breaking down so much.
I remember, the night after I watched that episode, I curled up in a red T-Shirt, jeans and converse (the official 'Don't Stop Believing' outfit) and cried uncontrollably.
The thing is, I've never lost anyone that close to me (thankfully) and celebrities get into people's minds, they become part of our weekly routine as we watch their shows.
Finn was my first teenage TV crush and Cory was such an incredible guy. You wanted to get to know him because he had such a beautiful heart within him. Yes, he struggled but who doesn't have demons? I don't know if I'd react the same way now, three years on, as I did back then but his death will always be a significant moment in my life. It will always be my first experience with grief and I'll never fully understand why.
Even as I researched to make sure what I was remembering was right for some of these facts, I teared up.
People get the same way about Elvis and Diana even now.
But the dead are never forgotten. Especially not celebrities. I mean, there are videos of Elvis and Diana on YouTube and Cory is immortalised on film and on Glee. His talent lives on. It's just that he's not physically here anymore and that is really fricking sad.
Lea went on to write 'If You Say So' which is a song on her first album written about the immediate days in her world after Cory died. It's heartbreaking and I definitely cried like a baby listening to it for the first time. I still do. It showed loss in such a raw way and it was named after the last words he ever said to her.
She talked about how she'd gotten a special tattoo for Cory a few months after his death but she got a new one earlier today that represents the character he played on Glee.
On the show, Rachel got the name 'Finn' tattooed on her body after Finn died but Lea's salute to Finn Hudson was more subtle.
She got a tattoo of the number on Finn's football jersey, which has extra meaning as she posted a photo of her carrying out Finn's football memorial on her last day on set.
I'm sending Lea love and positive thoughts as she enjoys her spa day.
What a beautiful thing from a beautiful person.
Cory will never be forgotten, least of all by Lea, and I'm so glad she's keeping his memory alive in her own, loving way.
Jessica
xoxo
P.S. To donate to the Saint James Music Academy in Cory's name for what would have been his 34th Birthday on May 11th, please click on this link.
Friday, 8 April 2016
Under The Sea... Of Opinions
A few days ago, the cast of 'The Little Mermaid' live was announced.
I'm not talking a televised live performance of the show. There wouldn't be much point in that seeing as there will be a live-action version of the 1989 Disney classic coming out within the next few years.
No. This version compiles classics from the movie such as the iconic 'Part of Your World' and Broadway additions like 'Her Voice' which Prince Eric sings, despite his lack of singing in the movie.
Brilliant performers are coming together to bring life to these iconic characters while the movie plays behind them. It will be performed at the Hollywood Bowl and a 71-piece orchestra will accompany the all-star cast on Friday 3rd June and Saturday 4th June this year.
I'm very excited. I'm excited whenever Darren does a new show but this one holds a soft spot for him as he's been performing covers of 'Part of Your World' for years, both in his shows onstage and his unforgettable YouTube video.
I'm not talking a televised live performance of the show. There wouldn't be much point in that seeing as there will be a live-action version of the 1989 Disney classic coming out within the next few years.
No. This version compiles classics from the movie such as the iconic 'Part of Your World' and Broadway additions like 'Her Voice' which Prince Eric sings, despite his lack of singing in the movie.
Brilliant performers are coming together to bring life to these iconic characters while the movie plays behind them. It will be performed at the Hollywood Bowl and a 71-piece orchestra will accompany the all-star cast on Friday 3rd June and Saturday 4th June this year.
As you can see, the cast is pretty impressive. Sara Bareilles as Ariel ('Love Song', 'Brave', every single song on every one of her albums that makes you laugh/cry/happy/relate... Sorry. I'm a big fan), Darren Criss as Prince Eric ('Glee', Broadway, 'Teenage Dream', 'Not Alone', Starkid, Blaine Anderson, Klaine... Okay. Also a huge Darren Criss fan because he's bloody brilliant), Rebel Wilson as Ursula (Love her from the 'Pitch Perfect' movies, 'Bridesmaids' and 'Struck By Lightning' - a brilliant movie written by Darren Criss' on-screen husband on 'Glee' Chris Colfer which mixes dark comedy and life lessons) and several other incredible performers who I, regrettably, know less or nothing about.
Tickets go on sale tomorrow and I'm beyond heartbroken that, yet again, the fact I was born and raised in a regular sized city in small Scotland is keeping me from the things I love (American actors, actresses, TV shows like 'Ellen' and Jimmy Fallon's show to name a few).
Tickets go on sale tomorrow and I'm beyond heartbroken that, yet again, the fact I was born and raised in a regular sized city in small Scotland is keeping me from the things I love (American actors, actresses, TV shows like 'Ellen' and Jimmy Fallon's show to name a few).
I'm very excited. I'm excited whenever Darren does a new show but this one holds a soft spot for him as he's been performing covers of 'Part of Your World' for years, both in his shows onstage and his unforgettable YouTube video.
Just a note - I'm linking both his and Sara's covers of the song in their characters' names above as well as a video of John Stamos in 'Glee' just because his entire character arc on 'Glee' was fantastic.
Unfortunately, I went on Facebook and saw a Buzzfeed article about the cast being great and Darren Criss being a good choice for Prince Eric and the comments underneath irritated me.
Which is why I'm writing right now.
The comments were either about Sara being too old to play Ariel or Darren Criss not being everyone's ideal perceived Prince Eric.
My main issues with these arguments against two of my favourite artists are as stated below:
- It's not a Broadway show or a movie so Sara's age isn't a factor. She's singing Ariel's songs and giving a performance but she's not going to play her in the movie - it's just a live performance - so stop getting your knickers in a twist as my gran would say
- Darren is an incredible performer. He looks enough like Prince Eric that it's confusing as to why this is even an issue. Add some mousse to his hair, style him right and you have Prince Eric. Also, why are you focusing on their looks alone? Rebel Wilson isn't a giant sea witch. John Stamos isn't a French Lobster.
If you're going to get silly with one actor, don't forget that the others aren't living up to your high Disney expectations either.
You see what I'm saying?
I got so frustrated that I didn't even comment. Darren and Sara will prove themselves through their talent alone and I have no doubts about them getting positive reviews after the shows.
I got so frustrated that I didn't even comment. Darren and Sara will prove themselves through their talent alone and I have no doubts about them getting positive reviews after the shows.
Why do they have to be carbon copies of the movie characters anyway? It's insane!
They got here with their talent alone and that's a brilliant achievement!
They got here with their talent alone and that's a brilliant achievement!
And I just read that they had to add a second show to match popular demand for tickets.
If that doesn't get you on board, I don't understand you.
Be happy, stop picking at people and celebrate the music!
People are always so quick to jump to negatives.
Let them prove themselves! Give them a chance before you slate them for not being the exact physical match for the Disney characters.
I can't wait to see how this turns out and I hope to God someone records it or puts it on YouTube because they are going to blow every single critic out of the water.
That's all! Rant over!
God bless and Goodnight!
Jessica
xoxo
Thursday, 31 March 2016
The Fake Boyfriend
We all know how it goes.
Generally, if you're a girl, you're going to get hit on on a night out.
Sometimes, that's wanted attention.
Sometimes, it isn't.
For me, the attention I got the other night was not wanted.
My girlfriend was out to 'pull' but I wasn't and I was trying very hard to be a good 'wingwoman'. It worked but, unfortunately, some of the guys she was with had friends who grabbed me and tried to dance with me.
Now, I love dancing. When it comes to that, I'm as game as Ellen and I don't need a partner to get crazy like Taylor Swift does at award shows. ('I'm dancing on my own. Make the moves up as I go')
But I don't love it when guys grab me and dance with me when I make it clear I'm not interested.
So I did what any rationally thinking 20 year old does to make it clear to the guy and told them I had a boyfriend.
That should be enough, right?
If a guy I started dancing with told me he had a girlfriend, I'd nod and say 'sorry' and dance in the opposite direction.
These guys? Nope. They didn't care. One of them told me I was 'gorgeous' so I thanked him but he was still dancing close against me so I repeated the 'boyfriend' thing and he just laughed and said 'let yourself go'. I did not want to do that so I gave my friend the warning glance and we danced away to a different part of the club.
When our guy friends got back, I almost pounced on them; I was that relieved.
One of them was also 'on the pull' so I asked the one non-single guy if he'd do me a favour and pretend to be my boyfriend. He laughed and asked which guy was a creep so I simply said 'all of them'.
One guy was nice though. He started dancing near me and I told him I had a boyfriend and hugged my friend and he shook his hand!
Like, actually shook his hand!
I'm not gonna lie. That made me feel kinda good inside and my friend said it was a good gesture.
Anyway, this is actually an issue.
You see, this may be a casual story about a night out but the problem with it is that I shouldn't have had to think of an excuse in the first place. If I don't want to dance with someone, that should be enough of a reason. I shouldn't have to say the word 'boyfriend' fifty times until I can get away from them for it to be realized that I'm not interested.
I'm not saying I was really angry about it but it's frustrating that girls and women have to make up an excuse while guys just don't dance with the girl.
Maybe it was just that club. Maybe it was the fact that it was a Tuesday.
I don't know.
But it shouldn't be an issue in 2016. Have we not come further than that?
At the end of the day, it didn't ruin my night and I still had fun with my friends.
It's just food for thought, you know?
Jessica
xoxo
Generally, if you're a girl, you're going to get hit on on a night out.
Sometimes, that's wanted attention.
Sometimes, it isn't.
For me, the attention I got the other night was not wanted.
My girlfriend was out to 'pull' but I wasn't and I was trying very hard to be a good 'wingwoman'. It worked but, unfortunately, some of the guys she was with had friends who grabbed me and tried to dance with me.
Now, I love dancing. When it comes to that, I'm as game as Ellen and I don't need a partner to get crazy like Taylor Swift does at award shows. ('I'm dancing on my own. Make the moves up as I go')
But I don't love it when guys grab me and dance with me when I make it clear I'm not interested.
So I did what any rationally thinking 20 year old does to make it clear to the guy and told them I had a boyfriend.
That should be enough, right?
If a guy I started dancing with told me he had a girlfriend, I'd nod and say 'sorry' and dance in the opposite direction.
These guys? Nope. They didn't care. One of them told me I was 'gorgeous' so I thanked him but he was still dancing close against me so I repeated the 'boyfriend' thing and he just laughed and said 'let yourself go'. I did not want to do that so I gave my friend the warning glance and we danced away to a different part of the club.
When our guy friends got back, I almost pounced on them; I was that relieved.
One of them was also 'on the pull' so I asked the one non-single guy if he'd do me a favour and pretend to be my boyfriend. He laughed and asked which guy was a creep so I simply said 'all of them'.
One guy was nice though. He started dancing near me and I told him I had a boyfriend and hugged my friend and he shook his hand!
Like, actually shook his hand!
I'm not gonna lie. That made me feel kinda good inside and my friend said it was a good gesture.
Anyway, this is actually an issue.
You see, this may be a casual story about a night out but the problem with it is that I shouldn't have had to think of an excuse in the first place. If I don't want to dance with someone, that should be enough of a reason. I shouldn't have to say the word 'boyfriend' fifty times until I can get away from them for it to be realized that I'm not interested.
I'm not saying I was really angry about it but it's frustrating that girls and women have to make up an excuse while guys just don't dance with the girl.
Maybe it was just that club. Maybe it was the fact that it was a Tuesday.
I don't know.
But it shouldn't be an issue in 2016. Have we not come further than that?
At the end of the day, it didn't ruin my night and I still had fun with my friends.
It's just food for thought, you know?
Jessica
xoxo
Wednesday, 23 March 2016
#WeStandWithZoe
So, apparently, some people have forgotten that women are no longer expected to go to such extremes as hiding their ankles (Looking at you, Victorian Britain!).
The hashtag above has been trending for the past few hours and it's infuriating.
Earlier today, The Sun and The Daily Mail published articles about how lifestyle vlogger, beauty queen and all-around incredible person Zoella (Zoe Sugg) had 'shed her wholesome image' after posting a photo of herself in her underwear.
Firstly, it's hardly a racy photo. Most of her body is covered and she's wearing a T-Shirt.
Secondly, how f*cking dare they.
Who are they to be telling a 25 year old woman that she isn't allowed to feel comfortable or proud of her own body?
She's a gorgeous, talented, successful woman.
She may have young fans but Justin Bieber has young fans and you don't see the media shaming him after every naked Instagram post.
I can't believe I live in a time where women are still shamed because of their bodies and men are praised for it.
I'll leave you with a final photo.
Goodnight!
Jessica
xoxo
Tuesday, 22 March 2016
When Heartless People Have A Voice
Today, I was scrolling along Facebook when a post from one of my family members caught my eye.
She was ranting about refugees and, after reading it and the comments, I felt like I wanted to be sick.
How can people be so cruel?
Many refugees are left with no choice but to leave their countries without any personal longings - risking death on the way to whatever country they can get to because their home is more dangerous than anything we can hit them with.
I'm sure we've all seen the images.
Children covered in dirt and adults so gaunt you can almost see through them.
And that's just images.
What about the videos, the films of children getting gassed or the bodies laying on dirt...
How could people be so heartless?
I'm aware that a great deal of my family in Dundee don't like people like me. Or maybe it's just me. I can feel it every time I see them. The kids are fine and I adore my younger cousin who I meet up with regularly. But the adults? I would never wish them any harm and I don't want to bad-mouth them but I've never been good with understanding how any one person could have no empathy whatsoever.
That post broke my heart along with erasing any respect I had for her.
She's a mother yet she shows no empathy or emotion but anger towards parents who are trying to do the same thing? Sure, there are people living in poverty in Dundee but their lives aren't nearly as threatened as those who risk death themselves to save their children from a painful death in their home countries.
This was my response to her vile status and the disgusting comments of agreement:
I don't think I will ever understand why or how any person could wish hatred and cruelty on another and I know it has put a black mark on her name for me from now on because I cannot respect or condone any aggressively nasty person.
I would usually finish a post like this wishing that she will find the goodness in her heart to understand where I'm coming from but I don't think that'll happen. I doubt she'll even read my comment to be completely honest.
What I will say is that it is not naive to be kind and hopeful that others will share your compassion.
I'm going to leave this post with a link to how us Brits can help refugees.
And my prayers are with all those in Brussels who have been affected by this senseless tragedy.
Jessica
xoxo
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/5-practical-ways-you-can-help-refugees-trying-to-find-safety-in-europe-10482902.html
She was ranting about refugees and, after reading it and the comments, I felt like I wanted to be sick.
How can people be so cruel?
"Amazing how it's right for the council to bring in 16 refugees family give them new houses plus cars and £64 a day and people in dundee living on poverty is thus a piss take or what I work my Fecking arse off can hardly afford my Fecking bus fare to work seek of this"Everywhere in the world. people are struggling.
Many refugees are left with no choice but to leave their countries without any personal longings - risking death on the way to whatever country they can get to because their home is more dangerous than anything we can hit them with.
I'm sure we've all seen the images.
Children covered in dirt and adults so gaunt you can almost see through them.
And that's just images.
What about the videos, the films of children getting gassed or the bodies laying on dirt...
How could people be so heartless?
I'm aware that a great deal of my family in Dundee don't like people like me. Or maybe it's just me. I can feel it every time I see them. The kids are fine and I adore my younger cousin who I meet up with regularly. But the adults? I would never wish them any harm and I don't want to bad-mouth them but I've never been good with understanding how any one person could have no empathy whatsoever.
That post broke my heart along with erasing any respect I had for her.
She's a mother yet she shows no empathy or emotion but anger towards parents who are trying to do the same thing? Sure, there are people living in poverty in Dundee but their lives aren't nearly as threatened as those who risk death themselves to save their children from a painful death in their home countries.
This was my response to her vile status and the disgusting comments of agreement:
"These refugees are in desperate need of help. Their countries are not safe and they need to move to the UK and other places.
According to ISIS, Syrian Muslim refugees (as an example) are traitors to the radical Islamic cause. “It is correct for Muslims to leave the lands of the infidel for the lands of Islam, but not vice versa,” one ISIS video said in September. Here are several other examples of similar condemnation from this year. Nearly 90 percent of displaced Syrians in Turkey have no sympathy for ISIS at all, even though ISIS is fighting the person, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad, who most refugees see as their main enemy. Kurdish and Christian refugees see ISIS as their main foe. Turning away Syrian refugees plays into ISIS’s hands.
I am 100% sure you will think me young and foolish and naive but we need to be kind and as welcoming as possible to refugees. The fault of one is not the fault of the many and it's heartbreaking to see so much hatred on this post when they are seeking help in the worst of times.
If you were a refugee, would you not want help and support?"And, because I know exactly what the majority of my family think of me, I did my research beforehand to get that statement in the middle.
I don't think I will ever understand why or how any person could wish hatred and cruelty on another and I know it has put a black mark on her name for me from now on because I cannot respect or condone any aggressively nasty person.
I would usually finish a post like this wishing that she will find the goodness in her heart to understand where I'm coming from but I don't think that'll happen. I doubt she'll even read my comment to be completely honest.
What I will say is that it is not naive to be kind and hopeful that others will share your compassion.
I'm going to leave this post with a link to how us Brits can help refugees.
And my prayers are with all those in Brussels who have been affected by this senseless tragedy.
Jessica
xoxo
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/5-practical-ways-you-can-help-refugees-trying-to-find-safety-in-europe-10482902.html
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