Dear Oscar

Hey honey,
Well, it's been a week since you died and not much has happened.
I've been sad since you left.
I've cried so much I'm surprised I have any tears in me left to fall.
Yet, still, they come.

I've gotten used to missing you.
I no longer burst into tears when I see your missing bowls or litter tray.
I don't cry every time I realize the last time I saw you was the last time.
I'm not mad at the world for taking you.

When we first got you, I was so angry at my gran.
Our dog had been re-homed mere months earlier and I thought we were replacing him.
Now, I realize that, while saying 'Goodbye' to him was painful, we couldn't have met you if we hadn't.

I wasn't very nice to you at the beginning and I would always, jokingly, moan about you to my friends - some of whom thought I hated you because of it.
I was constantly trying to reaffirm the fact that I am a dog person.
It's only now that I realize I was an Oscar person too.

Missing you comes in waves.
I'll be fine for a while and then, suddenly, I'll think I hear you at the window or I'll come through the door and shout your name. Only to remember there's no one there to hear me.
Yesterday, I was food shopping and I went down the pet food isle on auto-pilot. When I remembered you were gone, I broke down in tears in the middle of the store.

I didn't tell you 'I love you' enough.
You were a great cat and I didn't tell you that much. The last time we saw each other, I kissed your head and told you I loved you in broken whispers until you slipped away from me.
I hope you knew. I hope you know, now, that I loved you more than most things in this world.

I still carry your collar wherever I go.
I don't know why. It won't bring you back. I guess it makes me feel close to you.
Certain items have found their way into my bedroom.
Your water bowl, your brush, your collar (of course)...

You deserved more time than you got, Oscar.
You were nine years old. That's not an age to die at.
We only had you for three years but, in that short a time, you changed our lives for the better.
You were funny, annoying, boring, cute and mine.

The thing about you though is that even the boring or annoying bits weren't bad.
I'm never going to forget when I'd come through the door after a few hours or days away from home and you'd walk out of my bedroom at the sound of your name, only to pause and turn your head to glare at me. I'd ask my gran about you afterwards and she'd tell me you'd been sleeping on my bed the whole time.
I knew you missed me, Oscar. Even if you were prideful.

As for me, whenever I was gone (even just for a night), I'd text my gran about you.
'How's Oscar', 'What's my baby doing', 'Has he gone into my room yet'
I know you loved me. Even if you were really subtle about it.

I hope I never forget my favourite moments.
You waking my up at 5AM because you wanted food.
When you would come into my room and moan at me until I made space in the bed for you to sit and be petted.
The sight of you curled up at the end of my bed.
The fact that you got clingier whenever my gran went into hospital.

What am I going to do now, Oscar?
Who's going to walk into the bathroom and sit glaring at me whenever I'm singing too loudly in the shower?
Who am I going to lean on when my gran's in the hospital and I'm all alone?

I don't know.
I have great friends who are helping me through losing you.
I guess I can go to them.

I just want to thank you.
You were a great companion to me for three years and I love you so much.
I don't know if you're still here with me or if there's a God up there who's looking after you but, whatever's happening, please don't forget that I love and miss you.
If you see me crying, don't worry. I just wish you were here.
I'm glad you're not in pain anymore. I'm sorry I didn't do more to save you.

I'll be up soon, okay?
I won't be long.
You're not alone.

'Till then, Sleeping Beauty, sleep on...'

I guess it's time for me to finish this 'letter', huh?
You'd be sleeping the whole time I was writing this if you were here.
If you were here though, I wouldn't have to write this.

I need to say 'Goodbye' to you.
It'll be a long time before I stop grieving you but I should say that, at least.
It's been a week since you died and I still miss you just as much as the first day.
'I loved you then, I love you still.
In my heart, you hold a place that no one could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you but you didn't go alone.
Because part of us went with you the day God took you home'

Goodbye Oscar. Bobo, Bobo's meme, Poquito, Mosquito, Shmeme, Button, Babushka, Honey, Momo, Ozmoz, Ozmeme, Mozmeme, Oz...
Never forget that I love you.
Rest In Peace.

Love, Mummy

P.S. I hope you're eating endless amounts of food now that you have healthy gums!
Enjoy chasing those pigeons!