Time Flies When...

You're having fun!
Just kidding. That's way too cheesy.
Time flies when you're working non-stop and have a new social life.

Has it really been over two months since my last post?
Huh.

Well, a lot has happened.
Especially in the last month.
I've lost a friend (she wasn't that great of a person so it's not such a loss. I'm actually glad she's not in my life anymore. All she ever did was care about herself, judge me endlessly and make me think I was a terrible person), made new friends and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone.

The first big thing I did was that I actually went on a work night out.
I've been working at Hollister since January but, until that Saturday night in June, I had never even tried to see them outside of work.
I went to a party, on my own, and talked to people I've been working with for six months (by that point) and immediately wondered why it had taken me so long.
They weren't terrifying monsters or anything like it.
They're good, fun people.

In the four weeks since that party, I have gone on a few more nights out and made more friends with the amazing people I work with.

I'm just so frustrated at myself for staying scared for so long.
Okay, it's a big deal to go somewhere on your own when you don't really know anybody but I want to move in a few years - how can that happen when I'm terrified of going to things on my own?

Another thing I did was actually decide on a few things about my future.
A friend at work helped me with that.
Another person at work made me feel so much better about the whole 'college before uni' thing.
So I'm going to get my grades in order. go to uni and study Criminology and Sociology.
Of course, I'm not naive enough to think everything's going to work out that way and that I'll never change my mind on anything ever but... It could happen that way.
I just know I want to really try this year at college and get good grades and work hard.
It's about time I grew up a little.

The most recent thing I did was talk to my ex boyfriend.
I dated him two years ago and he's followed me on different social media platforms since then so I finally followed him back on Instagram and opened up that box to reexamine.
I just wanted to know why he's been so insistent over the years.

What I realized, during our conversation, was that he doesn't remember things the way they happened. Our time together was brief so it's easy to romanticize it but he seemed to think there was hope that we could come back together in the future.
I feel terrible for him as things haven't gone the way he planned they would in his life but I am not the solution to those problems.
Two years ago, I was a completely different person. I lacked self confidence and a plan and I still believed in happily ever afters.
I'm not saying that I now have a depressing view of the world and that I've turned into a 'Debbie Downer' (as my gran would say) but I'm more realistic now.
I've grown up a heck of a lot since then and I'm not willing to go back there.

He sounded sad. I get it. His life isn't the way he'd imagined it.
I pitied him a little. I want him to have a good life but the way he talked about the small semblance of a relationship we had made me realize he's desperate for things to really be that way.
Mismembering things doesn't erase what happened - it just makes it more cozy for your own head.
I felt bad when I set him straight a couple of times but when he told me he was sad but not surprised that I was seeing someone, I had to cut the crap and be honest.
I told him that, while I hoped he met someone amazing in the future, I wasn't going to be with him ever again.
He's not even remembering me right.
I'm not even close to the same person I was two years ago so even if he did know that person extremely well, I'm not that same girl today.

I truly hope things change for him.

I, however, am happy.

I'm starting college on the 29th and I can't wait to get started.
I just hope the people are nice.
I keep having this fear that they'll be scary monsters.
And I have to spend 24 hours (in total over three days) a week with them.
I might even need to start a study group so you can understand why it would suck if they were scary monsters.
I suppose I'll only really know when I have my open day on the 22nd.
I'll try not to be too freaked out...

I have no idea when the next time I'll write will be but I hope it's soon.

Jessica
xoxo