When Your Boyfriend Isn't Psychic

Just a head's up - this will not be a long post... Hopefully... 

Tonight, I got annoyed at myself. Not my boyfriend (let's call him Danny for the purpose of this post). Myself. 

This happens every now and then. 

I get annoyed at him for all of two seconds and then I stay annoyed at myself for the rest of the night. 

When I'm with him, it's fine because he talks me out of it but, even after speaking to him on the phone, I still feel rubbish. 

I wish things were different.

I wish I didn't have to overthink every little thing. 

I won't go into why I got annoyed. 

Which, I know, will be very frustrating for me when I read this in the future (Trust me, Jess, it wasn't important) but I can't share it because it isn't just my mess to share. 

Danny's involved too. 

It's not his fault I'm like this. 

It is definitely not his fault that I overthink and get upset sometimes when things don't go my way (that's just tonight's example). 

My friend (poor friend who had to sit opposite me while I couldn't eat my pizza because I felt crap) understood what I was getting at but Danny didn't which frustrated me. 

I'd had such a good day as well! Work was good, I was looking into skiing lessons... This just kind of ruined it. 

As soon as Danny made it clear that my plan I had made in my head wasn't going to work out and I wouldn't be able to see him when I'd thought (he didn't even do this in a mean or nasty way), I got frustrated and upset which led to me getting upset with myself. 

When I suggested I stay at mine this weekend instead of the other options, he didn't immediately say no or that I was being ridiculous and of course I should stay at his or whatever which also upset me. 

Then I got upset at him suggesting I just meet him in town because I felt weird doing that. 

You see? 

Do you (Future Jessica) understand why I'm crazy? 

I just needed to write this down because I don't want to talk to anybody when I feel like this and Danny isn't replying to my last texts. 

I really wish I wasn't like this. 

I wish I could be the cool, calm and less worried/overthinking girl that dated that boy who ended up mildly starting a big depression without his knowledge three years ago. 

Danny deserves better than this and I know that which makes me feel even worse, even as I write this. 

I may have taken a second to message him apologising once again... 

Who knows, the apology could make it even more annoying. 

I just... Urgh. 

Over the last three years, I have been constantly working to improve so many aspects of who I am but I hadn't realised this was an issue because I haven't been in a relationship where I care this much. 

What I worry about though is that he could leave me because of this but, if he did, surely that would mean he wasn't the right person for me? 

This is such a mess. 

I'm stopping writing now because I hate myself when I'm like this. 

I just wish I knew of a quick fix. 

I'm trying. 

I am getting better but this is harder to fix when he isn't here and I can't fix that because I'm now not seeing him for two days. 

Who knows. Maybe, the next time I write here, I'll be better with it and I won't be overthinking everything and hating myself for it. 

Harry Styles puts it perfectly in his song 'Falling' when he says: 

'What if I'm someone I don't want around?' 

It'll get easier. 

I just hope he sticks around and manages to find a way to still love me, even when I can't find a single reason to love myself. 

(That was a little too depressing... I'll get over it... I love myself 90% of the time but tonight's just a little tricky) 

Love, 

Jessica

xoxo

P.S. This is an afterthought, more than a P.S but still...
Danny's replied and, of course, he's been perfect. He never lets me feel worse for feeling stupid things and, honestly, he deserves a medal for putting up with my ridiculous self all the time.
I also don't hate myself - that was way too harsh.
I don't like myself very much and I'm annoyed that I've gotten so upset over something so trivial but I don't hate myself.
Life happens and I've come a very long way in the last three years. You can't fix something you didn't realise was a big problem. I'm working on it now and that's what matters.
Maybe Danny will stay and realise that I'm trying really hard.
Maybe he'll leave.
Whatever happens, I have to be okay with me or no one else will ever.
It'll be okay.
But I definitely don't hate myself and I feel bad that this was so depressing.
I just wanted to have one of these times written down because they happen and I ignore it but i can't ignore it if there's evidence and I need to get over it/fix it. 

New Year, Incredibly New Start

Well this will most definitely be less depressing than the last post... 

I'm currently writing this from a train on the way to Newcastle on my way to my hospice induction. 
2020 has been a pretty big year so far. 
I got offered a job that's certainly a step in the right direction towards my dream career in charity and I am now a Supporter Relations Officer for Marie Curie. 
I couldn't be happier. 

While money will still be tight for the next month and I'll still have a long way to go before I'm anywhere close to where I was financially in 2018, I'm moving forward and that's all that matters. 

I still have that incredible boyfriend and we're now steadily approaching the seven month mark - a fact that seems almost unbelievable to me. 
My only issues there are in regards to my overthinking... 
I'm getting better but I'm not perfect. I guess no one is really but the overthinking thing is driving me as nuts as it's probably driving him. 

In a way, I can't really be too hard on myself for it. 
In the last three years, I've lost the person who raised me, gone through the worst depression of my life, picked myself up from that, been really good with money, been really bad with money and eventually gotten on the right track for my dream job. 

I've been busy. 

The thing is, as much as my overthinking annoys me, my boyfriend deals with it perfectly. 
I\m so used to going it alone that I still never really think about how someone else could help me. 

I had an overthinking moment yesterday. 
Usually, it would take me about three or four hours to talk myself out of the weird funk that my head is in but he talked me through it and I felt fine after half an hour. 

He is so consistently good to me and I really have no idea how much longer I'll have with him or if I'll be lucky enough to have him in my life forever but he is the only person in the world who makes me feel like I can be completely me and he won't get annoyed. 
Of course, I've known my best friend Jane for over 20 years now but it's a different level of comfort. 
He sees me at my most vulnerable, my happiest, my most worried, my most stressed.... Everything, sometimes in the space of one week, and he deals with me perfectly every time. 

There's a Taylor Swift song from her latest album called 'Afterglow' and I've always resonated with the lyrics in regards to him. 
More specifically, these: 

'I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue

Put you in jail for something you didn’t do

I pinned your hands behind your back, oh

Thought I had reason to attack, but no' 

'Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

But it's not what I meant

Sorry that I hurt you

I don't wanna do, I don’t wanna do this to you (Ooh)

I don’t wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)

I need to say, hey, it’s all me, just don't go

Meet me in the afterglow' 

I won't share too much about my relationship because, even though I truly believe I am the only person who will ever read this, it's still on the internet and I'm a more private person than I was a few years ago. 

What I will say is that, as we've spent more time with each other, I have found myself getting annoyed at him over stupid little things and then finding myself confused the next day as to why I got so worked up over something so trivial. 

I don't know if it's hormones or what it is but it's annoying. 

Still, he stays though. 

I got so wrapped up in the memory of not saying when I was upset about something in my last relationship that I decided to say when any little thing annoyed me in my current one and I don't necessarily think that's the right idea either. 

I need to think through things more because he doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend who gets worked up about every little thing. 

The last thing I want is for us to break up and for him to get another girlfriend who doesn't have these crazy moments and for him to think 'Oh wow, Jess was insane. This is really what a relationship should be like'. 

Okay, I'm reaching but that's not really the point here. 

What I love about our relationship (amongst other things) is that we're not afraid to admit we're not perfect but we're trying for each other. 

I would much rather be in a relationship that's real and that I have to work on than one where we constantly tell each other how much we love each other and everything's always perfect and wonderful. 

That doesn't feel real to me. 

I've had that before and I look back and almost laugh at us for being so naive and stupid. 

But we were young and I guess that's what you do when you're young. 

You play pretend at being grown ups when you really don't know anything about love or relationships. 

In many ways, I still don't but I'm learning and I know now what I deserve and what I'm willing to fight for. 

The way I'm feeling right now, I don't know if I could be this happy with someone else. It's still relatively early and I'm sure I probably could be if I was given a few years but I can't find myself picturing a future without him in it and I don't really want to. 

I am so incredibly happy and grateful for him. 

I'll work on myself forever if I have to to make this work. 

But I am getting better! Which gives me hope. 

I think the new job has a large amount to do with that. 

Speaking of... 

I love it. 

I am so happy. 

At Standard Life, I dreaded going into work every single day. 

I had horrible luck with managers, the second of which seemed to pick solely on me which was incredibly unfair, and I didn't feel like anything I did was good enough. 

My best example of how awful Standard Life was was when I got questioned for being ill. 

I get tonsillitis almost every year and I have for the last three or four years. 

When I got it in August last year, I was actually accused of making it up simply because I had mentioned wanting to see some fringe shows that were on during the 9-5 working day in the week. 

I had a doctors note and antibiotics but I was still faking it in my manager's eyes. 

When I had a horrible cold all week a couple of weeks ago, my manager actually suggested I go home and she made sure I had the number for calling in sick. When I called the next day, that manager told me to take care of myself and to call on Monday if I still wasn't better. 

The whole experience made me feel so much better because I wasn't judged for being ill, I was supported and not made to feel like a liar which was different. 

I never really had this with Highland Experience because they were pretty good to me too but Standard Life was awful. 

The biggest mistake I've ever made was working there and I am so glad I got out when I did, even if it wasn't the most ideal situation to be in. 

A few months ago, in November, I felt sick at my decisions and where I had ended up. 

I knew it would all work out eventually but I didn't know when or how or if I would be okay until it did. 

My family, friends and boyfriend all came through for me in the second most-difficult time of my life and I'll be forever grateful for them all. 

I got out and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, finally! 

It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I know it'll still be a little difficult financially but I'll be okay. I'll figure it out. 

And I didn't even need to settle for a job I didn't want! 

Thank God. 

I don't know when I'll next write because I'm super busy and I'm getting back into working full time and managing my life around that but I hope I'm as happy and settled whenever I write next as I feel currently, still sitting on this train to Newcastle. 

Love, 

Jessica 

xoxo

Here's To Heartbreak: Moving On

Mental Health Awareness Month seems like the perfect time to get back to regular writing so let's get stuck in. 

One year ago today, Oscar died. He was mine and nanny's cat for three years but he'll remain in my heart forever.
Losing him so suddenly and stroking his head while he passed away hit me hard. I didn't know how I was ever going to manage without him.
The night before he died was spent crying and telling him I loved him.
I actually slept on nanny's bed, the little I did sleep anyway.
She and I talked for hours about loss and death and how to hold on even when you feel like your whole world is crashing down around you. 
Little did I know this conversation would come to haunt me just three months later.

In August, nanny passed away, 
The night before she died was spent with her only this time I didn't get to sleep at the end of her bed.
I told her she could move on, gave her permission to as I knew she would never leave me willingly or if she thought I couldn't cope.
So, I promised her I would.
I would be okay. I would miss her every single moment for the rest of my life but I would love her eternally nonetheless. 

In December, my first love left me.
Heartbreak hit me harder than both of those things combined.
There's a vast difference to being left through death and being left by choice. 
The days and weeks after that were spent crying myself to sleep (when I got any at all), drinking every day (for a week, I didn't enjoy that), looking sad in all the nicest places (Yes, that's a Taylor Swift reference) and wondering how I was going to be able to live through this incredible amount of pain I felt constantly.
In time, I started to be able to breathe again. 
And I am so grateful for that.

I feel like heartbreak forces you to rediscover yourself, maybe even more so than the death of a loved one can.
Everyone's experiences are different but, to me, losing the woman who raised me forced me to become stronger without her while embracing this new partnership I had discovered. When I first dealt with heartbreak, I had to figure out who I was without him - and without nanny.
Heartbreak has forced me to be even stronger than I was before and I am still embracing this brand new version of myself.
It's been horrible, painful, confusing and so incredibly exciting. 

The biggest turning point with heartbreak, however, is when you finally learn the difference between missing him and missing the way you felt with him.
That takes time and I still think of him with kindness in my heart because I'm choosing to remember the man he was with me and not the person he has turned into now.
If I focused on the latter, I'd never move on. 

It's also important to remember that you are not what he says about you or who he decides you are after the breakup.
That took me a long time to realise but his opinion cannot stay the most important in my life and it hasn't.
Heartbreak hit me at a time when I was vulnerable and already felt extremely alone. Losing him then hit me the hardest because I had no safe place to go to and no family (other than close friends) that could comfort me.
But my own opinion has become more and more important in the months since.
He can say what he likes about me but I will never say anything horrible about his character because who he is now isn't important to me.
I can only wish him the best in life.
If he can't do the same for me, that's his choice. 
And if he can't choose to remember how hard I tried to be good enough for him and the most loving parts of our relationship, that's his choice too.

I am no longer the person I was when I was with him and I never will be again but that's not a bad thing. I read that heartbreak changes you dramatically and I didn't quite understand that until it happened.
I am stronger without him than I ever was with him. I have a better and more balanced opinion of myself now and I want so many things I didn't even consider with him. 

I still love a good Taylor Swift song though. 

Depression is a dark word but it shouldn't be.
I've had it on and off since I was 16 and I understand how badly it can affect people but it does so in many different ways - so much so that no two people ever deal with it in entirely the same way. 
My first experience of it was rough. I gained weight, lost interest in everything and basically turned into a recluse.
My most recent experience of it was my first without nanny and without a home to go to and that was completely different.
I now deal with it by working as much as possible and talking it through with my closest friends.
I can't handle it on my own anymore. 

This Mental Health Awareness Month, we need to focus on being kinder to people. Who knows what's happened in their life?
We also need to learn to be more tolerant of those struggling with mental health issues.
It's not funny, it is just as serious (if not more sometimes) and just as debilitating as a physical ailment as well as being just as dangerous.
We need to try and help those in pain and we should never laugh it off or assume they're 'just sad'. 

This post was about the three worst experiences of my life and they all happened within the same year. I am currently typing this wondering how I survived right now. But I won't go into that. 

'13 Reasons Why' tells the story of a girl who killed herself and left 13 reasons as to why she did it.
Not all of them were big things, most of them happened to cause a chain of reactions which broke her down piece by piece until it became too much to bear.
Because of this, I believe it was a great eye opener for people who maybe don't understand mental illness as much and maybe do some of the things she had done to her.
We don't always think and it's not always dangerous but it can be.
Our actions have consequences. 

So, this month and every month, I hope you start to consider your actions a little more and maybe even try to be kind to that one person at school or work or wherever that you see who looks like they may be struggling a little. 

And, if you're struggling personally, please reach out to someone. Help is out there. You may have to go searching but talking to someone helps so much.
As Cinderella says, 'Kindness is free, love is free.'

Jessica

Here's To Heartbreak

If your heart's recently been broken, Valentine's Day can be just another painful reminder but it's not all bad.

Posted on February 14, 2017, at 9:53 a.m.

TV, music videos and film often depict heartbreak as a beautiful woman in beautiful clothes crying her heart out. Of course, I'm generalising and this isn't exactly a rule and there are exceptions... BUT

What they often don't depict is the little changes to your life true heartbreak causes. They don't tell you that you'll order his coffee or buy his favourite soft drink sometimes just to imagine you're tasting it on his lips. They don't tell you you'll hear from many of your friends and family that this gigantic feeling of loss is something you'll get over when it doesn't actually happen very quickly. They don't tell you you're going to notice changes within yourself that don't even relate to him at all. I'm terrified of needles and usually hold onto my best friend's hand for dear life while holding back tears (Oh how I wish I were kidding...) at hospital appointments but, on Friday at my most recent one, I didn't even flinch. I actually looked at it while the blood was being taken and felt nothing.

When you love someone as much as I have loved and continue to love my first love, that kind of pain you feel from losing them doesn't just dissipate.

It's been two months and I've cried over him three times in the last week alone.

But don't take this as a huge banner from me saying 'Love isn't worth it' because I actually believe the exact opposite.

I'm going to quote something I told a friend of mine who said she wanted love to be 'nice and easy'.

'Unfortunately, I can't promise you that love will be easy because it never is. Even when you do meet the person you'll end up marrying, there will probably be days where you'll cry and you'll question if it's worth it or not. Happy Ever After isn't a right, it's a privilege and it takes hard work and dedication from both sides.

What I can promise you is that true love is out there. Regardless of what happens now or where my life ends up, I consider myself so incredibly lucky because I know real love exists. I've experienced it. Being with him felt like being home and I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone else who will make me feel as safe or as happy or as loved but I'm okay with that because at least I've gotten to feel it once in my life.

You see, true love might not always be nice or easy but the pain that will come with loving someone so much is worth so much more than living without that person.

You could ask me fifty years from now if I regret my first love because of how much pain I have been and continue to be in and I would tell you no. I don't regret a single moment with him.

I know you want easy and nice but real love is worth the effort. I promise.'

You see, for every single part of my soul that heartbreak has left in shreds, there is a memory I will always treasure.

I've read a thousand and one quotes on heartbreak on my quest to understand it and help myself through it and what I've learnt is that it's okay to still miss him after two months.

It's okay to break down crying just because you heard a song he once told you reminded him of you. It's okay to order his favourite coffee and quote what he said about milk ruining coffee when the barista asks you if you want milk in it. It's okay not to hate the one person you thought would never hurt you and who ended up breaking you more than anything else ever could.

But, most of all, it's okay to still be crying over him two months on.

Time can and does heal but, when you've been lucky enough to love someone as much as I have, it doesn't just fade away in a week.

I will always love him, whether he returns to me or not, because he taught me to see the beauty in life. He gave me hope and something to live for.

And you know what? That's okay too. Still loving him is okay.

Heartbreak isn't beautiful but learning how to cope with it and treating yourself better despite the pain you're in is.

I truly admire everyone going through this who is strong enough to keep living.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all of the men and women missing someone.

The pain will fade but the memories never will.

Treat yourself with love and care, try new experiences, go to the gym, don't go to the gym... Be the person he or she made you want to be because you deserve to be that for yourself.

Jessica

(Originally posted on Buzzfeed)

I Don't Know

Three words that have been flying around in my head like a constant stream of confusion since he left me.
This past month has been strange.
I'm getting hit on more than ever before, rejecting more people as politely as possible than I ever thought I'd have to and making decisions based on sadness and alcohol when I really shouldn't.

The thing about heartbreak is that it comes in waves. The first few days were the hardest, then I was managing to cope until Christmas and then New Year and then my birthday; three awful days for me mentally.
I don't understand anything.
I lost him but I've also lost myself and I can't decide which one's worse.

Because I miss him more than I should. He left me so I should be angry at him for it and want him to suffer but love isn't like that.
I love him more than I ever thought possible and I still just want him to be happy. Regardless of how badly he broke me.
Love means being selfless. It means putting someone else's happiness before your own and doing whatever you can to ensure their happiness lasts.
I just want him to be okay.
I want him to be happy.
What I'm slowly realising and struggling to come to terms with is the fact that his happiness might include me being gone forever.

There's a great song by Adele. It's an older one and it's called 'Don't You Remember?'. In it, Adele asks her former love if he remembers why he left her and asks him when she'll see him again. There was no proper 'Goodbye' or closure from the relationship and she wonders if he even still thinks about her.
I relate to this so badly right now.
I think about him constantly. There's not a day that's gone by since he left where I haven't wondered if he's okay.
But maybe he isn't thinking about me. Maybe he hasn't thought about me once since he left.
I know him better than to actually believe that but I don't think he's thought about me as much or in the same way.
What I'm really terrified of though is that he's falling out of love with me.
Because I can't fall out of love with him.
No amount of stupid decisions or desperate attempts at moving on will change that.

There's a saying that goes 'When it's real, you can't walk away'.
I used to believe that with every part of my being but I don't know if I do anymore.
Sometimes, you have to walk away to realise that the person you love is who you're meant to be with.
But that might just be me thinking that while he moves on with his life and leaves me in his past.

What kills me is that I was so sure about him. I've never been in love before but I knew, from the moment we met and then had our first proper conversation, that I could never walk away from him.
He used to say the same about me. He used to.

Another funny thing is that I still can't say a harsh word against him.
My friends are angry at him for hurting me and I understand that entirely because no one's ever seen me as bad I was when he left and my best friends have had to convince me into believing that my life is worth living and that I'm stronger than I'm saying and that's not fair to them.
I get it. I get all of it. All of their anger and frustration.
But I still think the world of him.
I always will.
I have never been more sure of anything in my life than I am of the fact that I will always love him and be so incredibly grateful that I got to be his first love and that he was mine.

First loves are so important and mine was incredible. Every moment until the last month of our relationship was worth all of the pain I'm in right now.
You could ask me in ten years if I would change anything and I guarantee that I would still say no to that.
He was kind and loving and compassionate and smart...
He made me feel so special when I was with him and reminded me of how much he loved me in random moments when we were apart.

I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again.
I can't say I won't but love and marriage and anything that involves the future... They're things I can't think about anymore.
Even if I don't ever feel that way about someone again and I end up alone with a golden retriever, I will still consider myself so lucky to have been his and to have gotten to spend those months with him by my side.

People so often tend to lash out or get angry after a break up but I will never say a bad word against him. He saved me from drowning when I lost my gran. He just didn't save me when I lost him.
Which is probably why I still burst into tears if I accidentally see something he's commented on on Facebook...

John Green wrote that 'pain demands to be felt' and I'm in constant pain without him.
But the pain reminds me that everything we had was real. So bring on the rain and the breathlessness. Bring on the feeling of drowning when I'm walking down the street and see something that reminds me of him.
I don't care. It just means that he was important.

Now, I don't know how he's doing or if he even really gets upset by not having me anymore. It doesn't necessarily seem like it but I haven't seen nor heard from him so...

I don't know if I want to either.
I still have things in his flat in another town but I know that a text from him and seeing him will break me again and I don't know if I'm ready to go back to those early days yet.
We need space and time - he was right about that.
I won't get in contact with him and he won't with me until he gets so annoyed at having my crap in his house that he texts me with a plan.

Whatever happens though, I hope he's happy in the end.
I don't know if this is it for us or if he is The One but he deserves the best out of life. Truly.
I hope he finds it.

Jessica
xoxo