When Your Boyfriend Isn't Psychic

Just a head's up - this will not be a long post... Hopefully... 

Tonight, I got annoyed at myself. Not my boyfriend (let's call him Danny for the purpose of this post). Myself. 

This happens every now and then. 

I get annoyed at him for all of two seconds and then I stay annoyed at myself for the rest of the night. 

When I'm with him, it's fine because he talks me out of it but, even after speaking to him on the phone, I still feel rubbish. 

I wish things were different.

I wish I didn't have to overthink every little thing. 

I won't go into why I got annoyed. 

Which, I know, will be very frustrating for me when I read this in the future (Trust me, Jess, it wasn't important) but I can't share it because it isn't just my mess to share. 

Danny's involved too. 

It's not his fault I'm like this. 

It is definitely not his fault that I overthink and get upset sometimes when things don't go my way (that's just tonight's example). 

My friend (poor friend who had to sit opposite me while I couldn't eat my pizza because I felt crap) understood what I was getting at but Danny didn't which frustrated me. 

I'd had such a good day as well! Work was good, I was looking into skiing lessons... This just kind of ruined it. 

As soon as Danny made it clear that my plan I had made in my head wasn't going to work out and I wouldn't be able to see him when I'd thought (he didn't even do this in a mean or nasty way), I got frustrated and upset which led to me getting upset with myself. 

When I suggested I stay at mine this weekend instead of the other options, he didn't immediately say no or that I was being ridiculous and of course I should stay at his or whatever which also upset me. 

Then I got upset at him suggesting I just meet him in town because I felt weird doing that. 

You see? 

Do you (Future Jessica) understand why I'm crazy? 

I just needed to write this down because I don't want to talk to anybody when I feel like this and Danny isn't replying to my last texts. 

I really wish I wasn't like this. 

I wish I could be the cool, calm and less worried/overthinking girl that dated that boy who ended up mildly starting a big depression without his knowledge three years ago. 

Danny deserves better than this and I know that which makes me feel even worse, even as I write this. 

I may have taken a second to message him apologising once again... 

Who knows, the apology could make it even more annoying. 

I just... Urgh. 

Over the last three years, I have been constantly working to improve so many aspects of who I am but I hadn't realised this was an issue because I haven't been in a relationship where I care this much. 

What I worry about though is that he could leave me because of this but, if he did, surely that would mean he wasn't the right person for me? 

This is such a mess. 

I'm stopping writing now because I hate myself when I'm like this. 

I just wish I knew of a quick fix. 

I'm trying. 

I am getting better but this is harder to fix when he isn't here and I can't fix that because I'm now not seeing him for two days. 

Who knows. Maybe, the next time I write here, I'll be better with it and I won't be overthinking everything and hating myself for it. 

Harry Styles puts it perfectly in his song 'Falling' when he says: 

'What if I'm someone I don't want around?' 

It'll get easier. 

I just hope he sticks around and manages to find a way to still love me, even when I can't find a single reason to love myself. 

(That was a little too depressing... I'll get over it... I love myself 90% of the time but tonight's just a little tricky) 

Love, 

Jessica

xoxo

P.S. This is an afterthought, more than a P.S but still...
Danny's replied and, of course, he's been perfect. He never lets me feel worse for feeling stupid things and, honestly, he deserves a medal for putting up with my ridiculous self all the time.
I also don't hate myself - that was way too harsh.
I don't like myself very much and I'm annoyed that I've gotten so upset over something so trivial but I don't hate myself.
Life happens and I've come a very long way in the last three years. You can't fix something you didn't realise was a big problem. I'm working on it now and that's what matters.
Maybe Danny will stay and realise that I'm trying really hard.
Maybe he'll leave.
Whatever happens, I have to be okay with me or no one else will ever.
It'll be okay.
But I definitely don't hate myself and I feel bad that this was so depressing.
I just wanted to have one of these times written down because they happen and I ignore it but i can't ignore it if there's evidence and I need to get over it/fix it. 

Life Lessons Aren't Always Easy To Learn

You can't just keep expecting people to change. You can hint it to them and tell them how frustrated you are with their actions for years but they'll never change unless they make the decision to. 

I'm having difficulty practicing what I preach right now because it's hard to let go of that hope. You grow up around someone and watch them make the same stupid mistakes all the time and they never learn. When you get older, you try and talk to them about your personal issues and how they could help themselves but, ultimately, you can't change people. 

It's one of the hardest lessons in life to learn but also one of the most important. 

No matter how much you love someone and hope they will change, they're never going to be the person you need them to be. 

So you have two choices: you can live with it and accept them for how they are or you can move on from them and try to cope that way. 

For me, it's someone in my family. Someone you're supposed to love and respect unconditionally. 

I love her, with all my heart, but I find it impossible to look at her in the way I'm expected to. 

I don't respect her choices, I don't understand her actions and some of the things she's done have really affected me emotionally. 

But she has good points. 

She's kind, her heart is in the right place (most of the time) and she tries hard with me. Most of the time. 

Unfortunately, it's the difficult times that tend to make you reflect the most and, for me, I have to decide whether or not I can cope with having it feature in my life prominently. 

It's impossible to cut her out of my life completely and I don't want that. 

If she wasn't who she was, I would have done. A long time ago. 

But it's trickier than that. 

I don't think I'm ever going to stop hoping and praying she'll change one day but I hope I can learn to stop trying. 

It might take me moving far away for it to happen but I'm willing to accept that. 

There's only so much of yourself you can give to a difficult situation before it consumes you.

Jessica

xoxo