I put my skeletons in the closet for so long that they ended up leaning against the doors and spilling out - all at once.
I got a message, on Wednesday, from the friend's roommate (the one I almost had a thing with that got back with his ex). He suggested we meet up and talk and we arranged a time for the next day.
My best friend had told him how I was feeling.
At the time, I was upset. I was annoyed that she'd told the one person I didn't want to know that I was still hurting. I was frustrated that I was being forced to deal with all of my skeletons in a matter of hours - with no hints that it might even be a possibility.
In hindsight, I know it was the right thing to do. She was looking out for me. Both her and one of my other good friends were. I needed closure and this was the only way I could get it.
So I freaked out. When I got home from my friend's house on Wednesday, I wrote a list of things to say while on the phone to one of my best friends. Then I had an early night.
The next day, I woke up unable to speak - perfect day for my laryngitis to get worse! - but I headed to work anyway.
He showed up early and bearing paracetamol - my hero - and we headed to the same place I'd spilled my guts to my friend from school the very day he told me he was getting back with his ex. In my mind, it was perfect symmetry.
After ordering tea and a smoothie - very sweet - and glossing over small talk, we finally got down to it. He apologised, I said what I needed to say and the defining part of his apology was this:
'Why didn't you come to me to talk about how you were feeling?'
My answer was pretty simple. I never felt like I could. At first, talking to him hurt too much and then it became the fact that months had gone by and I truly thought I was doing better. Until I knew I was going to have to see him and his girlfriend, I was doing okay.
But heartbreak is a funny thing. So very unpredictable. It never acts in accordance to what you want it to; it follows its own rules.
It did help though. The talking. He left every decision up to me and I agreed that I should have come to him a long time ago. My final decision about how to move forward was that we should be friends. What else could I say? 'Na. I'd rather we never talked again. Let's ignore the fact that you're gonna be living with my best friend for the next year and a half'?
I'm sure that would've went down wonderfully well.
But it was a good choice, you know?
It was the best decision. I do like him. Maybe not in the original way anymore but definitely as a potential friend.
I am not one for staying in contact with exes but he wasn't an ex. And I'm going to see him for the next year anyway. I may as well make the best out of a bad situation.
It was a good day actually.
We did idle errand running and then he dropped me off at home.
After a few hours of failed songwriting, I met one of my favorite friends for dinner. Before I went home and fell asleep before eleven for the second night in a row.
I may have turned 40 this year instead of 20.
I woke up this morning feeling good.
Not sad or restless or unsettled.
Just... Numb.
But in a good way!
A lot of the time, the word 'numb' is used to describe the feeling of nothingness. Of total and complete emptiness.
This wasn't like that.
It was more that I've had these feelings of unease and confusion and upset for so long that I don't know how to be without them yet.
It's something I would definitely suggest though.
With friendships, relationships, mutual almosts...
If you have to continue seeing the person after the initial 'break', talking things through with them is an excellent idea.
Now I'm not suggesting you do this the day after or anything - that would be insane.
A few weeks, months afterwards? Yes. Definitely.
I have been struggling with all these unanswered questions and frustrations for months and I cracked last week. It was horrible.
And waking up feeling refreshed this morning? It felt pretty good.
The healing process isn't over but it's moving forward and I am lucky enough to have incredible women - and men! - in my life who make every day of my life a little better.
You can't count every injustice in your world.
Instead, you have to live for every blessing - even when it seems impossible and that there aren't any blessings.
For me, I have amazing friends who love and care about me and who truly want me to be happy.
That is my happy place.
Those people are where my heart rests.
Until next time,
xoxo
Jessica
(Gossip Girl reference because I miss that blessing of a show)
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