The End of Lockdown

The restrictions around lockdown will be easing from next week.

This means my boyfriend has already brought up when I will be going back to my own flat.

I hadn't thought about that possibility in weeks.

It probably isn't healthy but I've been living in my bubble with him for two months and I got comfortable.

I haven't spent this much time with someone since I lived with nanny in our homes and his constant presence eased my pain of not being able to see my friends and family.

Okay, there were some issues in the beginning as we navigated the mildly treacherous waters of going from seeing each other half the week to spending almost all of our time together but we got there in the end and the last month or so has been lovely. We're in our routine of food shopping and him playing his xBox all day on Saturday then spending time together on Sunday so that we each get what we need (for him, space. for me, company). I'm extremely content.

When he brought it up last night, I could feel my mood change. It was almost as if he'd flicked a switch.
My bubble was suddenly burst and I had to listen to what he was saying.

Of course, I explained why I was sad and he didn't understand but he was kind and sweet and he refused to leave until I'd cheered up a bit.
It did help and when he came through and spent the whole night with me, I was able to forget about my sadness momentarily.

At least until this morning...

My flatmate messaged our group chat so I let her know I'd probably be back within the next few weeks. She then said we'd have to practice social distancing, despite the fact you don't have to socially distance from people you live with.

I told my boyfriend this and he didn't make any comments to say whether I'd be staying for even some of it or going or anything.

For some reason, this upset me so I left and went back to the bedroom.
I only went back through to the room he's in once to return the cookies I was planning on having for breakfast seeing as there isn't any milk for cereal.

Unfortunately for me, he knows me.

I can't eat when I'm feeling any kind of negative emotion and he knows this so he came through shortly afterwards to ask me why I was sad and what he had done because he didn't understand.

He hadn't done anything and I know we have different viewpoints on us staying together and me leaving so I didn't want to tell him this again or frustrate him but he wouldn't leave until I explained why I was sad so I did.

He got frustrated in his lack of understanding and told me 'I don't understand. We don't live together' but that wasn't why I was upset.

I was (still am) upset about the lack of clarity.

From his words, it sounds like he thinks lockdown is over completely next week but I don't think that's the case so I have questions:

Will we go back to seeing each other for half the week? 

Will we be able to? 

Will he even want me to seeing as I'm on furlough for three weeks starting from 1st June and ending on 19th June? (He's an introvert - he isn't horrible, just needs space) 

Will I be able to see friends or will I be alone (okay my flatmate's there but she works in the hospital every other week and is home every other week. She works in the kitchen though so I have a strong feeling cooking will be difficult...)? 

Will I be just at my flat for the whole three weeks? 

The annoying thing is that I understand where he's coming from and I feel awful for being so upset about it.

He has had me living with him for two months now and he hasn't complained once.

Okay, there have been stressful points but he's never been cruel or unkind - despite being a person who needs a large amount of space.

If I'm being honest with myself, I know that he probably would've found it easier if I'd gone home for half of lockdown but he let me stay because he put my emotions first.

Now that I'm going to be on furlough, I should probably put his emotions first and just go home.

But I'm really struggling with that.

It would be easier if I knew the end-date or what was going to happen but the thing about Coronavirus is that the government are having to make plans daily as the situation changes.

I love him so much but the idea of being completely alone without any comfort is making me feel so sad, I'm numb.

I just don't know.

If this were a facebook post, I'd ask for suggestions on what to do but it isn't and no one reads this.

My head is saying I should go home and give him that space he needs for the entirety of my furlough.

My heart is begging me to stay.

But we're having the conversation about it next week and I might not get a choice either way.

I hope that I can keep my emotions in check whichever outcome it is.

Unfortunately, I know myself better than to think I can hide my sadness from him.

I can hide it from strangers and even some family members but not him and not Jane.

Because they're the two people I love most in the world.

Urgh.

It's been 40 minutes since he went back through and I suppose I feel a little better.

Writing this has cleared my head ever so slightly but the impending conversation, my last week at work and the thought of having to re-meet my friend's boyfriend over Skype tomorrow after not-liking him for months (he was rude when I met him) means that this next week is going to be interesting.

...

Right after I wrote that, my boyfriend came through to check on me.

I tried to explain about the head/heart thing but he didn't say much to that.
What he did say was that lockdown is over next week.

I tried to say that that isn't exactly what I'd read but then he asked if I had even properly read it so I gave up talking.

He stayed for about half an hour and he was affectionate and loving but it's still in my head.

At one point, we were facing each other while lying in bed and I couldn't get it out of me head that this might be our last weekend where we're able to do this.

Our last weekend in our bubble.

I do feel better though.

Even if I do have Olly Murs' 'Ask Me To Stay' stuck in my head...

It doesn't even relate to the situation... I think it's just the title.

It's a great song though.

Oh well...

I guess I should just focus on going home next weekend.

I'll need to think about a bunch of things.

1. I should definitely change my bedding as soon as I get home
2. I need to go to Sainsbury's
3. I'll probably need to get a taxi as I've got a backpack and a big bag and will probably have at least two shopping bags of stuff...

Okay, I'm stopping there because it's stressing me out.

At least I can leave my board games here because I can't play them on my own...

I really am grasping at straws for positives here but hey ho...

It is what it is.

Today, I'm going to reply to Jane and chill by myself. Maybe have some wine later.

I would go to the shops but I don't have any motivation to do so.

I'm not as sad as I was when I started writing but I still feel crap and drained so...

Sorry if anyone does read this and it's really depressing...

Love,
Jessica
xoxo

I Don't Know

Three words that have been flying around in my head like a constant stream of confusion since he left me.
This past month has been strange.
I'm getting hit on more than ever before, rejecting more people as politely as possible than I ever thought I'd have to and making decisions based on sadness and alcohol when I really shouldn't.

The thing about heartbreak is that it comes in waves. The first few days were the hardest, then I was managing to cope until Christmas and then New Year and then my birthday; three awful days for me mentally.
I don't understand anything.
I lost him but I've also lost myself and I can't decide which one's worse.

Because I miss him more than I should. He left me so I should be angry at him for it and want him to suffer but love isn't like that.
I love him more than I ever thought possible and I still just want him to be happy. Regardless of how badly he broke me.
Love means being selfless. It means putting someone else's happiness before your own and doing whatever you can to ensure their happiness lasts.
I just want him to be okay.
I want him to be happy.
What I'm slowly realising and struggling to come to terms with is the fact that his happiness might include me being gone forever.

There's a great song by Adele. It's an older one and it's called 'Don't You Remember?'. In it, Adele asks her former love if he remembers why he left her and asks him when she'll see him again. There was no proper 'Goodbye' or closure from the relationship and she wonders if he even still thinks about her.
I relate to this so badly right now.
I think about him constantly. There's not a day that's gone by since he left where I haven't wondered if he's okay.
But maybe he isn't thinking about me. Maybe he hasn't thought about me once since he left.
I know him better than to actually believe that but I don't think he's thought about me as much or in the same way.
What I'm really terrified of though is that he's falling out of love with me.
Because I can't fall out of love with him.
No amount of stupid decisions or desperate attempts at moving on will change that.

There's a saying that goes 'When it's real, you can't walk away'.
I used to believe that with every part of my being but I don't know if I do anymore.
Sometimes, you have to walk away to realise that the person you love is who you're meant to be with.
But that might just be me thinking that while he moves on with his life and leaves me in his past.

What kills me is that I was so sure about him. I've never been in love before but I knew, from the moment we met and then had our first proper conversation, that I could never walk away from him.
He used to say the same about me. He used to.

Another funny thing is that I still can't say a harsh word against him.
My friends are angry at him for hurting me and I understand that entirely because no one's ever seen me as bad I was when he left and my best friends have had to convince me into believing that my life is worth living and that I'm stronger than I'm saying and that's not fair to them.
I get it. I get all of it. All of their anger and frustration.
But I still think the world of him.
I always will.
I have never been more sure of anything in my life than I am of the fact that I will always love him and be so incredibly grateful that I got to be his first love and that he was mine.

First loves are so important and mine was incredible. Every moment until the last month of our relationship was worth all of the pain I'm in right now.
You could ask me in ten years if I would change anything and I guarantee that I would still say no to that.
He was kind and loving and compassionate and smart...
He made me feel so special when I was with him and reminded me of how much he loved me in random moments when we were apart.

I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again.
I can't say I won't but love and marriage and anything that involves the future... They're things I can't think about anymore.
Even if I don't ever feel that way about someone again and I end up alone with a golden retriever, I will still consider myself so lucky to have been his and to have gotten to spend those months with him by my side.

People so often tend to lash out or get angry after a break up but I will never say a bad word against him. He saved me from drowning when I lost my gran. He just didn't save me when I lost him.
Which is probably why I still burst into tears if I accidentally see something he's commented on on Facebook...

John Green wrote that 'pain demands to be felt' and I'm in constant pain without him.
But the pain reminds me that everything we had was real. So bring on the rain and the breathlessness. Bring on the feeling of drowning when I'm walking down the street and see something that reminds me of him.
I don't care. It just means that he was important.

Now, I don't know how he's doing or if he even really gets upset by not having me anymore. It doesn't necessarily seem like it but I haven't seen nor heard from him so...

I don't know if I want to either.
I still have things in his flat in another town but I know that a text from him and seeing him will break me again and I don't know if I'm ready to go back to those early days yet.
We need space and time - he was right about that.
I won't get in contact with him and he won't with me until he gets so annoyed at having my crap in his house that he texts me with a plan.

Whatever happens though, I hope he's happy in the end.
I don't know if this is it for us or if he is The One but he deserves the best out of life. Truly.
I hope he finds it.

Jessica
xoxo