New Year, Incredibly New Start

Well this will most definitely be less depressing than the last post... 

I'm currently writing this from a train on the way to Newcastle on my way to my hospice induction. 
2020 has been a pretty big year so far. 
I got offered a job that's certainly a step in the right direction towards my dream career in charity and I am now a Supporter Relations Officer for Marie Curie. 
I couldn't be happier. 

While money will still be tight for the next month and I'll still have a long way to go before I'm anywhere close to where I was financially in 2018, I'm moving forward and that's all that matters. 

I still have that incredible boyfriend and we're now steadily approaching the seven month mark - a fact that seems almost unbelievable to me. 
My only issues there are in regards to my overthinking... 
I'm getting better but I'm not perfect. I guess no one is really but the overthinking thing is driving me as nuts as it's probably driving him. 

In a way, I can't really be too hard on myself for it. 
In the last three years, I've lost the person who raised me, gone through the worst depression of my life, picked myself up from that, been really good with money, been really bad with money and eventually gotten on the right track for my dream job. 

I've been busy. 

The thing is, as much as my overthinking annoys me, my boyfriend deals with it perfectly. 
I\m so used to going it alone that I still never really think about how someone else could help me. 

I had an overthinking moment yesterday. 
Usually, it would take me about three or four hours to talk myself out of the weird funk that my head is in but he talked me through it and I felt fine after half an hour. 

He is so consistently good to me and I really have no idea how much longer I'll have with him or if I'll be lucky enough to have him in my life forever but he is the only person in the world who makes me feel like I can be completely me and he won't get annoyed. 
Of course, I've known my best friend Jane for over 20 years now but it's a different level of comfort. 
He sees me at my most vulnerable, my happiest, my most worried, my most stressed.... Everything, sometimes in the space of one week, and he deals with me perfectly every time. 

There's a Taylor Swift song from her latest album called 'Afterglow' and I've always resonated with the lyrics in regards to him. 
More specifically, these: 

'I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue

Put you in jail for something you didn’t do

I pinned your hands behind your back, oh

Thought I had reason to attack, but no' 

'Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

But it's not what I meant

Sorry that I hurt you

I don't wanna do, I don’t wanna do this to you (Ooh)

I don’t wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)

I need to say, hey, it’s all me, just don't go

Meet me in the afterglow' 

I won't share too much about my relationship because, even though I truly believe I am the only person who will ever read this, it's still on the internet and I'm a more private person than I was a few years ago. 

What I will say is that, as we've spent more time with each other, I have found myself getting annoyed at him over stupid little things and then finding myself confused the next day as to why I got so worked up over something so trivial. 

I don't know if it's hormones or what it is but it's annoying. 

Still, he stays though. 

I got so wrapped up in the memory of not saying when I was upset about something in my last relationship that I decided to say when any little thing annoyed me in my current one and I don't necessarily think that's the right idea either. 

I need to think through things more because he doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend who gets worked up about every little thing. 

The last thing I want is for us to break up and for him to get another girlfriend who doesn't have these crazy moments and for him to think 'Oh wow, Jess was insane. This is really what a relationship should be like'. 

Okay, I'm reaching but that's not really the point here. 

What I love about our relationship (amongst other things) is that we're not afraid to admit we're not perfect but we're trying for each other. 

I would much rather be in a relationship that's real and that I have to work on than one where we constantly tell each other how much we love each other and everything's always perfect and wonderful. 

That doesn't feel real to me. 

I've had that before and I look back and almost laugh at us for being so naive and stupid. 

But we were young and I guess that's what you do when you're young. 

You play pretend at being grown ups when you really don't know anything about love or relationships. 

In many ways, I still don't but I'm learning and I know now what I deserve and what I'm willing to fight for. 

The way I'm feeling right now, I don't know if I could be this happy with someone else. It's still relatively early and I'm sure I probably could be if I was given a few years but I can't find myself picturing a future without him in it and I don't really want to. 

I am so incredibly happy and grateful for him. 

I'll work on myself forever if I have to to make this work. 

But I am getting better! Which gives me hope. 

I think the new job has a large amount to do with that. 

Speaking of... 

I love it. 

I am so happy. 

At Standard Life, I dreaded going into work every single day. 

I had horrible luck with managers, the second of which seemed to pick solely on me which was incredibly unfair, and I didn't feel like anything I did was good enough. 

My best example of how awful Standard Life was was when I got questioned for being ill. 

I get tonsillitis almost every year and I have for the last three or four years. 

When I got it in August last year, I was actually accused of making it up simply because I had mentioned wanting to see some fringe shows that were on during the 9-5 working day in the week. 

I had a doctors note and antibiotics but I was still faking it in my manager's eyes. 

When I had a horrible cold all week a couple of weeks ago, my manager actually suggested I go home and she made sure I had the number for calling in sick. When I called the next day, that manager told me to take care of myself and to call on Monday if I still wasn't better. 

The whole experience made me feel so much better because I wasn't judged for being ill, I was supported and not made to feel like a liar which was different. 

I never really had this with Highland Experience because they were pretty good to me too but Standard Life was awful. 

The biggest mistake I've ever made was working there and I am so glad I got out when I did, even if it wasn't the most ideal situation to be in. 

A few months ago, in November, I felt sick at my decisions and where I had ended up. 

I knew it would all work out eventually but I didn't know when or how or if I would be okay until it did. 

My family, friends and boyfriend all came through for me in the second most-difficult time of my life and I'll be forever grateful for them all. 

I got out and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, finally! 

It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I know it'll still be a little difficult financially but I'll be okay. I'll figure it out. 

And I didn't even need to settle for a job I didn't want! 

Thank God. 

I don't know when I'll next write because I'm super busy and I'm getting back into working full time and managing my life around that but I hope I'm as happy and settled whenever I write next as I feel currently, still sitting on this train to Newcastle. 

Love, 

Jessica 

xoxo