X Factor

So, I got an email back after applying (In December) for the X Factor UK. My audition is tomorrow morning (Wednesday 1st May) at 8:00AM in Glasgow. I live in Edinburgh and I don't know anything about Glasgow, much less how to get to places from the Train Station. I'm extremely worried because I'm going on my own and that's terrifying. I really don't know what to do. I don't even know what song I'm going to sing when I get there! Nor do I have any money to get there with. I'll have to figure something out. Thankfully, I know the lyrics to hundreds of songs due to repeated singing of random songs. I can recite almost any song Taylor Swift has in her albums (Need to brush up a bit on her first album but I'm good with the others) and I know a majority of the songs Glee has covered. I'm considering singing 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift but I always get really emotional. That might be a good thing but I'm not sure. I could always go with a Darren Criss song from his album 'Human' or 'Teenage Dream'. I'm in a bit of a muddle. Hopefully, I'll figure it out but it will most-likely be very last-minute and slapdash. Unlike those of the auditionees that have been planning for this their whole lives. I feel like such a mess... Oh well. Wishing myself luck :S

I Don't Know What I Want But That's Okay

Sometimes, you just have to stay in bed on your own and listen/sing along to Taylor Swift's new album Red all day. That's what I've been doing so far. I kind of had a mini-mid-mid-life crisis. I was frustrated. Everyone's talking about getting into college and university etcetera and I'm not moving forward at all. I'm aware that I'm not very smart or really very special at all in any unique way. I used to be semi-okay with that but everything just kind of started to sink in all at once. My friends, like Rachel and Kurt in the most episode of Glee (4x20), were pressuring me to move on and find something to do etcetera and I found myself trapped. Of course I'm ashamed and embarrassed about the fact that my life isn't going anywhere but their questions/advice, no matter how well they mean all of it, is just making me feel even worse.
Anyway, I really related to Santana's storyline in this episode because I'm in a similar position. The scene with Isabelle Wright was really nice. I loved it.

Santana: Listen, I really love dancing. I'm just not like you guys. I don't know what I wanna do or how I'm even gonna get there.
Isabelle: But you have plenty of time to figure it out. And it doesn't have to be ballet or Broadway. Just as long as it's something that you love, something that feeds your soul. And Santana, baby steps are okay.

That scene was like something I wish would happen in my life. I really love singing but I have absolutely no idea what I want to do or how I'm going to get there. Unfortunately, I don't have an Isabelle in my life to tell me everything's going to be okay and the fact that I don't know what I want or where I'm going in life is okay just now because I don't have to yet; I'll figure it out eventually.
I finish High School next Thursday (2nd May) and the day after's my 'Fun Day' with the entire year (We'll just see how that goes... I might be dressing up as Robin from 'Batman and Robin' but I don't have a Batman so... I spent £30 on that stupid costume though. Hmm... I suppose I could always be a Princess... We'll see), Prom's June 14th (Still need to buy my fricking dress) and then I think I'm officially graduated but I'm not entirely sure. I don't know what the future holds for me but I'll get by. Hopefully. Anyway, yeah... Don't really know what else to say... Bye!

A Day And A Half Without Sleep

Last night, I went to my friend Jane's house for a catch up. A couple of my other friends came too and we had fun eating Chinese food and talking etcetera. We went home (Not Jane, obviously) at about 12:30PM. I couldn't sleep though so I ended up just staying up.
Didn't do much today really. Can't even remember to be honest. One thing I did do through boredom was go on Omegle.
I ended up talking to a someone who is unhappy. All I know about them is that they're school-age and lives somewhere in America. I think they're a couple of years younger than me and I haven't determined a gender yet.It doesn't matter though.What does matter is that they're unhappy and they feel alone. I can't deal with this. It's horrible. No one should ever have to feel alone. I've tried to remind them that there is so much love waiting out there, you just have to find it. That you should never give up because when you end your life, you don't just lose the obvious, you lose your potential and everything you could have been and done. What if you're supposed to be the next Darren Criss or something? You need to keep fighting because it might not be good today but it could always be better tomorrow. I've been talking to this person for about an hour or so. I gave them my Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube and Facebook details and also my email address in case they ever felt alone or upset or something and needed someone to talk to.
I don't know if they'll use it or not. I just needed them to know that they weren't alone and that I care about them. I can't stand the thought of them suffering in silence and feeling like no one cares. I've done that and, if I can prevent even one person from doing it too then I'll feel a little better.
I'm still talking to them now. I'm doing my best to help them but their depression is getting in the way. It's painful. I'm trying to help and I will continue to tell them anything I think will help (All the truth though. I'm not going to lie to them). It's breaking my heart though. This person seems like such a genuinely good person but, because of bullying and several other factors, they're miserable. I need to go and give them a hug.
I'm going to continue to talk to them for as long as I can without falling asleep because I can't leave them just yet. Especially when I don't know if I'll ever hear from them again. I'm so worried about this person. I need to know they'll be okay and I don't yet. It's horrible. Anyway, I'm going to get back to my conversation with them. Bye or something.

13 Days...

Woah... It's been 13 days since I last wrote anything. In that time, I had my first 'Saturday Night Out' for my best friend's 18th (We went to some random bar near town and her cousin and a few of his friends joined us later. Nothing too interesting. I was mostly laughed at for my severe lack of knowledge in knowing where any countries are. Sorry if I'm not a fricking map or atlas or Google. It's not like knowing where Chile is is going to be super important to me in my future is it? (If it is, I'll learn where the frick it is but, until then, I'm completely content with not giving a flying frick. No offence to Chile or anyone who lives there or whatever). Not much else happened really), read 'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green (I'd actually been meaning to do this for a while. I cried at Chapter 13 and at several points after that because I have a problem of feeling too much for characters etcetera and imagining myself in their positions. As a whole, the book was incredible. It made me laugh, cry, smile and actually think about things. I only have one question for John Green: What the Hell happened to Hazel afterwards? Did she die? Did she live? What did she do? Damn you John Green for leaving me to ponder so many things. Still an excellent book), wrote a few songs and went to Barcelona for a week (Left on the 24th March (The day after my first ever night out) and got back on April Fools Day (Also known as the Mishapocalypse on Tumblr). I stayed with my aunt, uncle and their three-year-old. It was noisy and I needed space after a few days of non-stop 'sightseeing'. Seriously, we were out every single day! The constant running around added to the never-ending noise and the lack of privacy drove me mad! After much, much arguing with my aunt, she let me stay in on my own for the day. The computer was off, I didn't know how to work the TV and I wasn't allowed to touch anything. I felt a bit like a five-year-old to be honest. But it was quiet! Oh so quiet! Unfortunately, that quietness only lasted five hours and then it was back to noise. It was good while it lasted though. Later that same night, my aunt and uncle's married friends Sandra and Paco and Geordie and Ruth came over for dinner. They were all very lovely and they tried to speak English with me which was nice (I also attempted to speak some Spanish). The next day, we met Sandra, Paco and their adorable little puppy. We went to this small town in Spain called 'Besalu'. It was so beautiful there. I could have spent the entire day wandering around. I swear, it looked like something out of a fairytale. Not really sure what else to say about my trip. I had some fun, had some bad times but, in the end, I was glad I went. My aunt's suggested I move there for a while but I'm not sure. I'd rather have an idea of what my life's going to be before I do anything that drastic). Since then, I've been in bed, sick. I've caught up with friends and TV shows (Let's Get Ready To Rhumble is number fricking one in the UK!!! So happy! Go Ant and Dec!) and tried to focus on getting better.
I also got an email from the Murray Grant Academy for the Performing Arts. They said I could pay 200 and something pounds per month instead of paying the £1250 deposit and then a bunch of money each month. It's my last chance and I'm still stunned to have even gotten another one. I know what I want to do but, again, I don't know if I can do it. In my dream last night, I was in a music video type thing. I was walking around, seeing myself at different stages of my life and doing different things whilst singing the song 'Never Grow Up' by Taylor Swift. The dream ended with me sitting alone in my bedroom, holding a photo of me when I was two in my hands. I looked up at myself and who I am now in the mirror. I looked sad, lost even. It wasn't nice. It was also quite dark in my bedroom. One part of the song in particular kinda keeps swirling around in my mind:
'Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
I could still be littleOh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple'
I really wish I could be back there sometimes. In my past. Getting Princess dresses every year at Christmas time, playing 'Twin Sisters' with my best friend Jane in my Primary School Playground. Things were a lot simpler. Then again, I can't live in the past. Living in the past only prevents you from growing in the future. I can wish away my problems as much as I want but it's only going to hold me back. It's not going to erase the problems from my life.Wishing on a star will only get you so far. If I want my problems to go away, I have to figure out a way to solve them myself. I'll get there... someday. I honestly believe that.

Feeling Reflective...

I phoned MGA today and told them that I couldn't take the place. It was the worst phone call I have ever had to make. Mainly because I didn't want to make it. As soon as I hung up, I started crying. I guess you never realise how much you want something until you can no longer have it. I think it was saying it out loud that made it real and knowing that I had to accept it now. It's finally over. The dream is dead.
For now.
I'm not giving up entirely. I just have to find some alternate routes to get there. I will though. Someday. Hopefully. I'm never going to lose hope. I can't do that.
The thing is, if you really believe in yourself and what you can do (which is what I'm trying to do), then you can do anything. It might take a while and you might have to work really hard but you can get there. I really believe that. On Sunday, I'm going to Barcelona for a week. I kinda need a break from Edinburgh and what has been the best and worst month of my life. I need to do some 'soul-searching' or whatever. I plan on coming home and taking a few classes or something, hopefully getting a job and trying again next year. I just need to save a bit of money first. Or maybe I won't got to MGA. Maybe I'll end up somewhere completely different. Whatever happens, I'll be okay. I have to believe that. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to but it's okay because there will be other things that do. You might just have to wait a little longer for them. And I'll wait for however long I need to. As long as I get there in the end.

Random Thoughts and Inner Turmoil (More 'Confusion' but whatever)

Today (or tomorrow as it's officially Midnight here in the UK), I stayed inside. I didn't sing as much and I didn't dance around my bedroom (or anywhere else in the house) at all. This means I'm depressed or sad or something. I'm not used to being sad. I normally try and distract myself somehow but it didn't work today. I lay around the house (mostly my bedroom) feeling sorry for myself over my lack of a future. I figure I'm allowed to. I came face to face with my dreams, the potential future I could have. It was so close I could almost taste it. The friends I would have, the dreams that would come true, the songs I would sing... Everything was finally falling into place but, now that my hopes and dreams have been shattered within seconds before even properly becoming a possibility, I am left right back where I started: alone, confused and scared. I'm scared because MGA was something that was real. It was a chance to prove to myself that I was better than what I imagined. That I actually mattered in this world somehow. Now that I've tasted the happiness I could have, I don't want to let it go and I hate that I have to! I auditioned on a whim to see if I could actually do it, never believing for a second that I could get in, but I got a place and I wanted it so badly. It sucks!
So, now, I'm sitting at my computer in my dark bedroom at seven minutes past midnight writing down my thoughts and feelings on something nobody's ever going to see or care about. It's like I'm talking to a therapist only this blog can't give me advice or take notes to refer back to later (not actually sure if that's what therapists do so I apologise for any false statements).
Maybe I'll take a year to go and 'find myself' or something. I never understand what people mean by that though. How can you 'find yourself'? To me, that makes no sense but I'm willing to try and find out what it means so that I can do it too. Just anything that'll give me something to focus on besides the shreds my dreams are being cut into.
I just feel like everyone's moving forward except me. My best friend got an unconditional to Edinburgh University, my other friend's going off to College and my last friend (Yes, I know it's pathetic that I only have three friends but I would have more if I could go to MGA. Damn it!) has a conditional to do a Drama thing at university. Getting that place at MGA made me feel like I was moving forward too. For once, I didn't feel like a failure. I wasn't just the 'stupid' one. I mattered and I was proud of myself.
I keep telling myself that 'everything happens for a reason' but what's the reason for this? What good is going to come from me not being able to go to my dream school and have friends who, not only respect what I want to do in life but, want the same things? What good is going to come from me being unhappy for another year or however long it takes for something good to happen?
I know I sound extremely ungrateful or whatever but I don't mean to.
Ever since I can remember, I have pinned all my hopes and dreams on 2013; the year I turned 17.
I was going to learn how to drive, finally move out and away from my family, go to college or university and do something I love, maybe even get a boyfriend. I was supposed to be happy. Truly happy. 2013 was supposed to be the year that everything changed for the better but none of that stuff's happened. I haven't learnt how to drive yet, I haven't moved out, I won't go to college or university because I'm not clever enough and don't have the money to pay for the school I want to go to and I don't have a boyfriend because, I guess, I'm just not pretty enough.
I'm trying really hard to see the silver lining to all of this and to stay optimistic but what if there isn't a silver lining? What if I'm just not meant to find true happiness or whatever? I guess, I'll just have to deal with it and hope something good happens soon.

On the upside, I did read Darren Criss' LiveJournal posts (someone posted them on Tumblr. I'm not a stalker, I promise) so they cheered me up for about ten minutes. He had some very random thoughts at 17. He should just write a book about all his thoughts. I'd read it.

Gotta Get Back To Hogwarts

Seriously need to stop quoting songs... I'll try and come up with an original title for my next post.

Anyway, the song I've taken my title from is from one of the best musicals ever created: 'A Very Potter Musical'. The song, 'Get Back To Hogwarts', is also brought back for the two sequels 'A Very Potter Sequel' and 'A Very Potter Senior Year'. On Friday (Also known by Klaine fans as Klaine's Two Year Anniversary), Team Starkid (The incredible, talented, inspiration group of people behind the parody musicals as well as others they have created such as 'Starship', 'Me and My Dick' and the infamous 'Space Tour. Not to mention the amazing 'Little White Lie') released the final instalment of their Harry Potter musicals onto YouTube.
I first found out about Team Starkid and 'AVPM' and 'AVPS' in 2010 (about a year after it came out), I think, when my friend Laura showed me a bit of 'AVPM' on her laptop. She was so excited about it and could sing all of the songs. At first, I didn't really get it but Laura insisted I went home and watched the rest of the musical. I did that and fell in love with everyone involved after that. It took me a little while until I watched the second musical though.

When I saw Darren Criss on Glee Season 2, episode 6 'Never Been Kissed', I didn't recognise him. I did, however, fall in love with Klaine (Kurt had been my favourite character up until then. As well as Rachel and Finn). Then I fell in love with Darren. His charisma, his charm and his overall everything (Putting into words how incredible (even that isn't a good enough word for him. Perfect might be closer but that's not quite good enough either). I'm also in love with Chris [Colfer] which is why I have read both his books (He's an incredible writer, it's unbelievable how talented he is. I'm so proud of everything he has accomplished so far and I can't wait to see him (and Darren) progress in the future. I know they'll both achieve so many things. I'm sure most of the Glee cast will) and watched his independent movie which he wrote himself. Didn't like seeing him die so much though. I actually cried... Anyway, this is about Darren and the rest of Team Starkid not my pathetic infatuation with the Glee actors and actresses... Yeah, so, I Googled Darren (Because I'm a creep and wanted to see more of his work) and found out he was in (and wrote some of the songs for) both of those musicals ('AVPM' and 'AVPS'). I then watched them both (The second one was my favourite) and fell even more in love with, not only Darren, but the entire cast. As the years went on (I say that like it was decades ago or something when it was really only the end of the last decade and this decade. What the frick am I going on about right now?), I watched 'Little White Lie', learnt the lyrics to all of the songs on Darren's EP 'Human' and learnt most of the lyrics to most of the songs in the musicals.

I was so excited when I heard that Team Starkid were going to release the last Potter musical they would ever do but I was also heartbroken. I don't want it to end! They filmed it at the same time that the horrible Glee episode known as 'The Break Up' was shot which meant that Darren had to fly out for it (Thankfully, Glee peeps let him). I'm still not over Klaine's breakup and I doubt I ever will be. It sucks. And all because they weren't the best at communicating their feelings to each other! And some other little problems but I'm not thinking straight right now because it sucks that they broke up! NO!
Right... Back to 'AVPSY' before I have a mental breakdown (21, Eternity, Soulmates etcetera. Just remember this!!!). I watched a bit of it on Saturday morning (I stayed up for it because Darren was Tweeting and I got excited), a bit more on Sunday and the whole of the second Act today. Act 2, Scene 6 made me cry. Darren at the end! His eyes were filled with tears which broke me. It must have been so hard for him. He went to college with these people, they're his friends and he is one of the co-founders of Starkid Productions. I'm not entirely sure if this is true but I think this might have been his last show with Starkid. At least for the foreseeable future. He just doesn't have time right now what with Glee and 'Imogene'/'Girl Most Likely' to promote. Plus, as he gets more and more established as an actor and gets more famous and more roles, he will have even less time. Not to mention if he brings out another album (God, I hope he brings out another album!). It must have been very emotional for him to be in that role again for the last time with all of his friends from college. I felt like his 'Totally Awesome' at the end before he walked off with Ron (I think that's what happened but my eyes were brimming with tears so I could be wrong about that) was a 'Goodbye' of sorts. Damn it Darren! Why do you have to keep breaking my heart?!

The point is that it was incredible, mind-blowing, sad (In the bittersweetest of ways and unforgettable. Team Starkid are sure to have brilliant careers and I can't wait to watch them do it (Sounding a bit like a creep but oh well. I'm proud of them!). Lauren Lopez (Draco Malfoy in the Potter Parodies) has already brought out an awesome Recipe Book and has even been in Chris Colfer's film 'Struck By Lightning' (Although, in my opinion, she should have been given a bigger role. She. Is. Flawless! And so talented). Joey Richter (who lives with Darren in LA and plays Ron Weasley) has been on Disney Channel's 'Jessie' (I think that's what it's called) and was even an 'Adam's Apple' (Not a bit fan of Adam to be honest. I don't mind him being friends with Kurt but I ship Klaine. Why can't Blaine fly to New York and tell Adam to 'Stay away from his future husband' like Finn did with Brody? (OMG! Awesome moment! Go Finn!)) on Glee! I know the others have had some awesome accomplishments but Joey and Lauren are two of my favourites (along with Darren, Joe Moses (One-man Showses), Brian Holden and the Lang's of course. Also love Meredith, Dylan Saunders, Joe Walker and Brian Rosenthal) so I thought I'd mention them.
Going to miss Darren working with Team Starkid as he is truly home when he is with them but I wish them all the luck in the world for their future. If you haven't watched the musicals then I really urge you to. Even if you hate musicals! Watch it and I dare you not to be impressed. I guess, now that I've seen them all, I'll go back to the start. Where it all began.

I don't wanna see you go, but it's not forever, not forever! Even it was, you now that I would never let it get me down. You're the part of me that makes me better, wherever I go! So I will try not to cry-- but no one needs to say goodbye...
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts, it's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends, to Gryffindors! Hufflepuffs! Ravenclaws! Slytherins! Back to the place where our story begins at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! "Man, I'm glad we went back!"

P.S. I stole all of the pictures! Consider me a big old photo-thief :P