The End of Lockdown

The restrictions around lockdown will be easing from next week.

This means my boyfriend has already brought up when I will be going back to my own flat.

I hadn't thought about that possibility in weeks.

It probably isn't healthy but I've been living in my bubble with him for two months and I got comfortable.

I haven't spent this much time with someone since I lived with nanny in our homes and his constant presence eased my pain of not being able to see my friends and family.

Okay, there were some issues in the beginning as we navigated the mildly treacherous waters of going from seeing each other half the week to spending almost all of our time together but we got there in the end and the last month or so has been lovely. We're in our routine of food shopping and him playing his xBox all day on Saturday then spending time together on Sunday so that we each get what we need (for him, space. for me, company). I'm extremely content.

When he brought it up last night, I could feel my mood change. It was almost as if he'd flicked a switch.
My bubble was suddenly burst and I had to listen to what he was saying.

Of course, I explained why I was sad and he didn't understand but he was kind and sweet and he refused to leave until I'd cheered up a bit.
It did help and when he came through and spent the whole night with me, I was able to forget about my sadness momentarily.

At least until this morning...

My flatmate messaged our group chat so I let her know I'd probably be back within the next few weeks. She then said we'd have to practice social distancing, despite the fact you don't have to socially distance from people you live with.

I told my boyfriend this and he didn't make any comments to say whether I'd be staying for even some of it or going or anything.

For some reason, this upset me so I left and went back to the bedroom.
I only went back through to the room he's in once to return the cookies I was planning on having for breakfast seeing as there isn't any milk for cereal.

Unfortunately for me, he knows me.

I can't eat when I'm feeling any kind of negative emotion and he knows this so he came through shortly afterwards to ask me why I was sad and what he had done because he didn't understand.

He hadn't done anything and I know we have different viewpoints on us staying together and me leaving so I didn't want to tell him this again or frustrate him but he wouldn't leave until I explained why I was sad so I did.

He got frustrated in his lack of understanding and told me 'I don't understand. We don't live together' but that wasn't why I was upset.

I was (still am) upset about the lack of clarity.

From his words, it sounds like he thinks lockdown is over completely next week but I don't think that's the case so I have questions:

Will we go back to seeing each other for half the week? 

Will we be able to? 

Will he even want me to seeing as I'm on furlough for three weeks starting from 1st June and ending on 19th June? (He's an introvert - he isn't horrible, just needs space) 

Will I be able to see friends or will I be alone (okay my flatmate's there but she works in the hospital every other week and is home every other week. She works in the kitchen though so I have a strong feeling cooking will be difficult...)? 

Will I be just at my flat for the whole three weeks? 

The annoying thing is that I understand where he's coming from and I feel awful for being so upset about it.

He has had me living with him for two months now and he hasn't complained once.

Okay, there have been stressful points but he's never been cruel or unkind - despite being a person who needs a large amount of space.

If I'm being honest with myself, I know that he probably would've found it easier if I'd gone home for half of lockdown but he let me stay because he put my emotions first.

Now that I'm going to be on furlough, I should probably put his emotions first and just go home.

But I'm really struggling with that.

It would be easier if I knew the end-date or what was going to happen but the thing about Coronavirus is that the government are having to make plans daily as the situation changes.

I love him so much but the idea of being completely alone without any comfort is making me feel so sad, I'm numb.

I just don't know.

If this were a facebook post, I'd ask for suggestions on what to do but it isn't and no one reads this.

My head is saying I should go home and give him that space he needs for the entirety of my furlough.

My heart is begging me to stay.

But we're having the conversation about it next week and I might not get a choice either way.

I hope that I can keep my emotions in check whichever outcome it is.

Unfortunately, I know myself better than to think I can hide my sadness from him.

I can hide it from strangers and even some family members but not him and not Jane.

Because they're the two people I love most in the world.

Urgh.

It's been 40 minutes since he went back through and I suppose I feel a little better.

Writing this has cleared my head ever so slightly but the impending conversation, my last week at work and the thought of having to re-meet my friend's boyfriend over Skype tomorrow after not-liking him for months (he was rude when I met him) means that this next week is going to be interesting.

...

Right after I wrote that, my boyfriend came through to check on me.

I tried to explain about the head/heart thing but he didn't say much to that.
What he did say was that lockdown is over next week.

I tried to say that that isn't exactly what I'd read but then he asked if I had even properly read it so I gave up talking.

He stayed for about half an hour and he was affectionate and loving but it's still in my head.

At one point, we were facing each other while lying in bed and I couldn't get it out of me head that this might be our last weekend where we're able to do this.

Our last weekend in our bubble.

I do feel better though.

Even if I do have Olly Murs' 'Ask Me To Stay' stuck in my head...

It doesn't even relate to the situation... I think it's just the title.

It's a great song though.

Oh well...

I guess I should just focus on going home next weekend.

I'll need to think about a bunch of things.

1. I should definitely change my bedding as soon as I get home
2. I need to go to Sainsbury's
3. I'll probably need to get a taxi as I've got a backpack and a big bag and will probably have at least two shopping bags of stuff...

Okay, I'm stopping there because it's stressing me out.

At least I can leave my board games here because I can't play them on my own...

I really am grasping at straws for positives here but hey ho...

It is what it is.

Today, I'm going to reply to Jane and chill by myself. Maybe have some wine later.

I would go to the shops but I don't have any motivation to do so.

I'm not as sad as I was when I started writing but I still feel crap and drained so...

Sorry if anyone does read this and it's really depressing...

Love,
Jessica
xoxo

A Letter to My Boyfriend During Lockdown

Dear Darling,

I know I've been a bit of a hormonal mess these last two months and I wanted to say that I'm sorry.
I can't promise I'll be better with it (not seeing my friends is taking its' toll on me) but I do promise to try.

There have been more than a couple of times where you've probably been sat staring at me, wondering what on Earth you did wrong.
I can't always explain it but I appreciate how you handle my 'annoyed at you for something stupid' moments.

You're absolutely not perfect at dealing with me but I don't you expect you to be.

You try.

That's enough for me.

We weren't ready to move in together when lockdown happened.
Seven months into a relationship is not very long when you've each been single and used to doing things on your own terms for your entire lives.

Somehow, we've managed.
I've gotten mad at you several thousand times and it hasn't been perfect or easy every single day but it's almost three months into lockdown and we're still coping.

In fact, I think we're doing better.

I'm sorry it doesn't always seem like I should be getting mad at you for certain things and I'm sorry I'm not always happy and I'm more prone to chilled sadness.
Please understand that while I am not a girl who always needs to have a boyfriend, I am a girl who always needs to be able to see her friends.

I'm struggling a lot without them.

I'm writing this on here partly because I know you'll never read it and partly because I just need to get it out of my system.

Lockdown is hard on everyone in different ways.
With us, well I'm an extrovert while you're extremely introverted and here I am expecting you to make up for my lack of ability to socialise at the moment when you need much more alone time than I do.

It isn't fair of me to do that and I should probably try to be better in that area.

I think The Script summed it up pretty perfectly in a song they wrote years before Coronavirus meant we were unable to leave our homes.

'Oh these times are hard and they're making us crazy, don't give up on me baby'

Lockdown is difficult and it's making me a little crazy but please don't give up on me.

I'm trying.

I know you are too.

All my love,

Jessica
xoxo

How is it May already?

Not the catchiest title ever but this blog is just for me which means I am the only one who will judge it later.

I'm in lockdown with my boyfriend at the moment which means I haven't been back to the South of Edinburgh in over a month.

It's been weird.
Lots of ups and downs.

This is both of ours' longest relationship and we'd only been together for 7 months when lockdown happened.

For someone who has avoided a relationship since her last one ended in 2016 and someone who had never had a girlfriend or even dated someone longer than a month and a half, that wasn't long enough to make us ready to move in together.

There have been some challenges...

But I think, overall, we're coping okay.

I'm a key worker within a charity so I'm still going into work most days and he's working from home but going into work is probably one of the only things keeping my sane right now.

It's making things seem more normal than they are.

Of course, I'm still reminded of how odd things actually are in the world at the moment.

For example, I'm off of work today.

I booked this holiday three months ago because it's my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow.

My plans were to stay at my flat the night before (30th April) and to head into town for my hair cut and colour so that I looked nice for his birthday.
On the morning of his birthday, I was going to head to Greggs to get him a Greggs breakfast and a coffee.

Obviously, none of those things are happening at the moment.

Instead, I haven't seen my flat in what feels like forever and my hair is losing its blondness.

I went to Tesco today and had to shop by following arrows and flinching whenever someone got too close.

It's been odd but I think he'll have a good birthday.

All of his presents from his family and I are wrapped and hidden in a cupboard, he's sipping on one of his favourite beers which I ordered from Brewdog especially for his birthday and I'll bake his cake tomorrow while he's on his racing game.

It isn't what I planned but I think it'll be nice.

I ordered some nail polish for myself though because, even though it's something I usually only do at Christmas, I need help with keeping myself happy and entertained.

This is kind of a rambling blog post and I feel like I'm not really saying anything of importance.

Times are hard and strange right now and it makes me uneasy.

A year ago, I was going to beer gardens with the guy I was seeing (A lovely guy who I ended things with because I hated my job and it was making me feel rubbish so I wasn't in a good mental space), I was meeting my best friend for a drink and wandering around Newington.
I was going to work every single day at that job I hated (Honestly, the biggest mistake I ever made was working at Standard Life but it led me to where I am now so I have to accept that at least) and buying a coffee and a croissant from Pret on the way (usually because I needed that one positive thing in the morning to force myself to go into work).

It was so normal but now it seems insane.

My boyfriend is extremely chilled about most things and he's relatively easy to live with.
I'm still paying rent for the flat I haven't been to in almost two months but he's not making me pay bills here so I'm doing all of the housework - something which probably sounds sexist but suits us.

He is also extremely sarcastic - something I've found harder to deal with considering my less positive moods over the last few weeks.

I'm getting used to it though.

And my situation isn't even close to as bad as some people's.

The stories I hear about healthcare workers living in hotels so that they don't risk giving Coronavirus to their families are the worst.

I find myself both wishing I did have a kid and also being incredibly grateful I don't at the moment.
I wish I had a child because I'm broody and it would be amazing to get to have so much time with them at the moment but I'm also grateful I don't have one because I'm a key worker and I wouldn't want to risk anything happening to them.

Everyone's kind of in limbo right now.

You can't make plans to travel because you don't know when you'll be able to.
You can't sit and relax because it'll be over in a few weeks because you don't know if it will be or not.

My best friend's grandad is seriously ill and I can't be with her or give her a hug or hold her hand and be there for her.

I don't even know if she can be there for him in what could be his final days.

I've sent her a 'Hug in a Box'. It's a teddy bear that comes in a box and it will, hopefully, cheer her up a bit.

As a control freak, these uncertain times are stressing me out.

Especially as someone who always tries to have plans because I've been more prone to loneliness since nanny died.

My boyfriend is helping though. Not as much as I'd often like thanks to games but as much as he can.

He'll be 25 tomorrow which seems crazy.

When did I get to be so old? I swear I was 20 yesterday.

He's wonderful though.

Unlike when I dated Hugh all those years ago, I don't know if we'll be together forever and I don't plan as if we will be.

But I love that I get to have him now.

He's so smart and funny and he makes me happy almost as much as he makes me roll my eyes at him.

I wouldn't have it any other way though.

I hope he enjoys his first birthday with a girlfriend and that I can make him feel as special as he makes me feel just by continuing to let me live in his world with him.

I can't say sappy stuff like that to him so I've said it here.

The reason I feel special is because I see how he is with strangers. Not super talkative, polite but reserved... He's very much an introvert.
With me though, he lets some of those walls down a little bit to let me in and although he's sarcastic all of the time, in the rare moments when he's not, I get to see someone no one else does.

I won't say too much more but I love him.

I'm glad he showed me what real love was and, even though I can't tell the future, I'm very glad he's in my present.

I hope everyone's safe and I hope you're okay, Future Jess, when you're reading this years later.

Love,
Jessica
xoxo

Highs, Lows and Inbetweens

Since my last post, things in the world have changed a little bit.

I first heard about the Coronavirus coming from China in early February.
If I'm being completely honest, it wasn't something I was immediately concerned about.

Since then, it has slowly begun taking over the world in its own horrible way and the UK has, officially, been in lockdown since last Monday.

This has come with some surprising challenges.
I know there are a large amount of personal challenges everyone's having to deal with but the main one I'm trying to navigate has to do with my relationship.

Danny (Still not his real name) and I were together when lockdown happened and we've been together for the last week and a half now.

This has been challenging for a number of reasons.

1. Danny and I don't live together. I still have my flat in Newington and he lives in Leith.
2. We are absolutely not used to spending this much time with each other.
3. We needed to have conversations we never would have had to before.

There have been some growing pains.
He's obsessed with playing this game with his friend every night which has caused me to moan at him a couple of times because I've felt like I'm being ignored for a stupid game.
I experienced the loss of a family member recently and that on top of the coronavirus and work has put a large amount of stress on me, which has been difficult to deal with.

We had a conversation about it yesterday to figure out what we should do.
Do we continue living together during this situation even though we're not ready to live with each other?
Do we commit to being apart during lockdown and live in our separate flats for the next few weeks (months?)?

Either option sounds horrible and I know we're lucky to have the choice when lots of people don't but it's still stressful.

If we stay together, will we drive each other nuts because we're both used to having space?
If we're apart for this, will we be miserable?

Ugrh.

Why is there no easy option?

A magical option number three which enables us to go back to seeing each other for half the week?

In reality, our situation is not the worst out there.

We can't see our families, like lots of other people, and we do have each other for the moment.

Whatever happens, we will get through it together - whether we're physically together or not - and that's good enough for me for now.

Taking it day by day is the best we can do.

I hope everyone else out there in similar, worse or better situations is coping as best they can.

That's all we can do really.

Cope as best as we can.

And we will.

Britain has faced different obstacles over the years and we've always managed to get through it.

The amount of kindness I'm seeing from people all over the world, despite the virus, has me remaining hopeful.

Love,
Jessica
xoxo

When Your Boyfriend Isn't Psychic

Just a head's up - this will not be a long post... Hopefully... 

Tonight, I got annoyed at myself. Not my boyfriend (let's call him Danny for the purpose of this post). Myself. 

This happens every now and then. 

I get annoyed at him for all of two seconds and then I stay annoyed at myself for the rest of the night. 

When I'm with him, it's fine because he talks me out of it but, even after speaking to him on the phone, I still feel rubbish. 

I wish things were different.

I wish I didn't have to overthink every little thing. 

I won't go into why I got annoyed. 

Which, I know, will be very frustrating for me when I read this in the future (Trust me, Jess, it wasn't important) but I can't share it because it isn't just my mess to share. 

Danny's involved too. 

It's not his fault I'm like this. 

It is definitely not his fault that I overthink and get upset sometimes when things don't go my way (that's just tonight's example). 

My friend (poor friend who had to sit opposite me while I couldn't eat my pizza because I felt crap) understood what I was getting at but Danny didn't which frustrated me. 

I'd had such a good day as well! Work was good, I was looking into skiing lessons... This just kind of ruined it. 

As soon as Danny made it clear that my plan I had made in my head wasn't going to work out and I wouldn't be able to see him when I'd thought (he didn't even do this in a mean or nasty way), I got frustrated and upset which led to me getting upset with myself. 

When I suggested I stay at mine this weekend instead of the other options, he didn't immediately say no or that I was being ridiculous and of course I should stay at his or whatever which also upset me. 

Then I got upset at him suggesting I just meet him in town because I felt weird doing that. 

You see? 

Do you (Future Jessica) understand why I'm crazy? 

I just needed to write this down because I don't want to talk to anybody when I feel like this and Danny isn't replying to my last texts. 

I really wish I wasn't like this. 

I wish I could be the cool, calm and less worried/overthinking girl that dated that boy who ended up mildly starting a big depression without his knowledge three years ago. 

Danny deserves better than this and I know that which makes me feel even worse, even as I write this. 

I may have taken a second to message him apologising once again... 

Who knows, the apology could make it even more annoying. 

I just... Urgh. 

Over the last three years, I have been constantly working to improve so many aspects of who I am but I hadn't realised this was an issue because I haven't been in a relationship where I care this much. 

What I worry about though is that he could leave me because of this but, if he did, surely that would mean he wasn't the right person for me? 

This is such a mess. 

I'm stopping writing now because I hate myself when I'm like this. 

I just wish I knew of a quick fix. 

I'm trying. 

I am getting better but this is harder to fix when he isn't here and I can't fix that because I'm now not seeing him for two days. 

Who knows. Maybe, the next time I write here, I'll be better with it and I won't be overthinking everything and hating myself for it. 

Harry Styles puts it perfectly in his song 'Falling' when he says: 

'What if I'm someone I don't want around?' 

It'll get easier. 

I just hope he sticks around and manages to find a way to still love me, even when I can't find a single reason to love myself. 

(That was a little too depressing... I'll get over it... I love myself 90% of the time but tonight's just a little tricky) 

Love, 

Jessica

xoxo

P.S. This is an afterthought, more than a P.S but still...
Danny's replied and, of course, he's been perfect. He never lets me feel worse for feeling stupid things and, honestly, he deserves a medal for putting up with my ridiculous self all the time.
I also don't hate myself - that was way too harsh.
I don't like myself very much and I'm annoyed that I've gotten so upset over something so trivial but I don't hate myself.
Life happens and I've come a very long way in the last three years. You can't fix something you didn't realise was a big problem. I'm working on it now and that's what matters.
Maybe Danny will stay and realise that I'm trying really hard.
Maybe he'll leave.
Whatever happens, I have to be okay with me or no one else will ever.
It'll be okay.
But I definitely don't hate myself and I feel bad that this was so depressing.
I just wanted to have one of these times written down because they happen and I ignore it but i can't ignore it if there's evidence and I need to get over it/fix it. 

New Year, Incredibly New Start

Well this will most definitely be less depressing than the last post... 

I'm currently writing this from a train on the way to Newcastle on my way to my hospice induction. 
2020 has been a pretty big year so far. 
I got offered a job that's certainly a step in the right direction towards my dream career in charity and I am now a Supporter Relations Officer for Marie Curie. 
I couldn't be happier. 

While money will still be tight for the next month and I'll still have a long way to go before I'm anywhere close to where I was financially in 2018, I'm moving forward and that's all that matters. 

I still have that incredible boyfriend and we're now steadily approaching the seven month mark - a fact that seems almost unbelievable to me. 
My only issues there are in regards to my overthinking... 
I'm getting better but I'm not perfect. I guess no one is really but the overthinking thing is driving me as nuts as it's probably driving him. 

In a way, I can't really be too hard on myself for it. 
In the last three years, I've lost the person who raised me, gone through the worst depression of my life, picked myself up from that, been really good with money, been really bad with money and eventually gotten on the right track for my dream job. 

I've been busy. 

The thing is, as much as my overthinking annoys me, my boyfriend deals with it perfectly. 
I\m so used to going it alone that I still never really think about how someone else could help me. 

I had an overthinking moment yesterday. 
Usually, it would take me about three or four hours to talk myself out of the weird funk that my head is in but he talked me through it and I felt fine after half an hour. 

He is so consistently good to me and I really have no idea how much longer I'll have with him or if I'll be lucky enough to have him in my life forever but he is the only person in the world who makes me feel like I can be completely me and he won't get annoyed. 
Of course, I've known my best friend Jane for over 20 years now but it's a different level of comfort. 
He sees me at my most vulnerable, my happiest, my most worried, my most stressed.... Everything, sometimes in the space of one week, and he deals with me perfectly every time. 

There's a Taylor Swift song from her latest album called 'Afterglow' and I've always resonated with the lyrics in regards to him. 
More specifically, these: 

'I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue

Put you in jail for something you didn’t do

I pinned your hands behind your back, oh

Thought I had reason to attack, but no' 

'Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

But it's not what I meant

Sorry that I hurt you

I don't wanna do, I don’t wanna do this to you (Ooh)

I don’t wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)

I need to say, hey, it’s all me, just don't go

Meet me in the afterglow' 

I won't share too much about my relationship because, even though I truly believe I am the only person who will ever read this, it's still on the internet and I'm a more private person than I was a few years ago. 

What I will say is that, as we've spent more time with each other, I have found myself getting annoyed at him over stupid little things and then finding myself confused the next day as to why I got so worked up over something so trivial. 

I don't know if it's hormones or what it is but it's annoying. 

Still, he stays though. 

I got so wrapped up in the memory of not saying when I was upset about something in my last relationship that I decided to say when any little thing annoyed me in my current one and I don't necessarily think that's the right idea either. 

I need to think through things more because he doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend who gets worked up about every little thing. 

The last thing I want is for us to break up and for him to get another girlfriend who doesn't have these crazy moments and for him to think 'Oh wow, Jess was insane. This is really what a relationship should be like'. 

Okay, I'm reaching but that's not really the point here. 

What I love about our relationship (amongst other things) is that we're not afraid to admit we're not perfect but we're trying for each other. 

I would much rather be in a relationship that's real and that I have to work on than one where we constantly tell each other how much we love each other and everything's always perfect and wonderful. 

That doesn't feel real to me. 

I've had that before and I look back and almost laugh at us for being so naive and stupid. 

But we were young and I guess that's what you do when you're young. 

You play pretend at being grown ups when you really don't know anything about love or relationships. 

In many ways, I still don't but I'm learning and I know now what I deserve and what I'm willing to fight for. 

The way I'm feeling right now, I don't know if I could be this happy with someone else. It's still relatively early and I'm sure I probably could be if I was given a few years but I can't find myself picturing a future without him in it and I don't really want to. 

I am so incredibly happy and grateful for him. 

I'll work on myself forever if I have to to make this work. 

But I am getting better! Which gives me hope. 

I think the new job has a large amount to do with that. 

Speaking of... 

I love it. 

I am so happy. 

At Standard Life, I dreaded going into work every single day. 

I had horrible luck with managers, the second of which seemed to pick solely on me which was incredibly unfair, and I didn't feel like anything I did was good enough. 

My best example of how awful Standard Life was was when I got questioned for being ill. 

I get tonsillitis almost every year and I have for the last three or four years. 

When I got it in August last year, I was actually accused of making it up simply because I had mentioned wanting to see some fringe shows that were on during the 9-5 working day in the week. 

I had a doctors note and antibiotics but I was still faking it in my manager's eyes. 

When I had a horrible cold all week a couple of weeks ago, my manager actually suggested I go home and she made sure I had the number for calling in sick. When I called the next day, that manager told me to take care of myself and to call on Monday if I still wasn't better. 

The whole experience made me feel so much better because I wasn't judged for being ill, I was supported and not made to feel like a liar which was different. 

I never really had this with Highland Experience because they were pretty good to me too but Standard Life was awful. 

The biggest mistake I've ever made was working there and I am so glad I got out when I did, even if it wasn't the most ideal situation to be in. 

A few months ago, in November, I felt sick at my decisions and where I had ended up. 

I knew it would all work out eventually but I didn't know when or how or if I would be okay until it did. 

My family, friends and boyfriend all came through for me in the second most-difficult time of my life and I'll be forever grateful for them all. 

I got out and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, finally! 

It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I know it'll still be a little difficult financially but I'll be okay. I'll figure it out. 

And I didn't even need to settle for a job I didn't want! 

Thank God. 

I don't know when I'll next write because I'm super busy and I'm getting back into working full time and managing my life around that but I hope I'm as happy and settled whenever I write next as I feel currently, still sitting on this train to Newcastle. 

Love, 

Jessica 

xoxo