Life Lessons Aren't Always Easy To Learn

You can't just keep expecting people to change. You can hint it to them and tell them how frustrated you are with their actions for years but they'll never change unless they make the decision to. 

I'm having difficulty practicing what I preach right now because it's hard to let go of that hope. You grow up around someone and watch them make the same stupid mistakes all the time and they never learn. When you get older, you try and talk to them about your personal issues and how they could help themselves but, ultimately, you can't change people. 

It's one of the hardest lessons in life to learn but also one of the most important. 

No matter how much you love someone and hope they will change, they're never going to be the person you need them to be. 

So you have two choices: you can live with it and accept them for how they are or you can move on from them and try to cope that way. 

For me, it's someone in my family. Someone you're supposed to love and respect unconditionally. 

I love her, with all my heart, but I find it impossible to look at her in the way I'm expected to. 

I don't respect her choices, I don't understand her actions and some of the things she's done have really affected me emotionally. 

But she has good points. 

She's kind, her heart is in the right place (most of the time) and she tries hard with me. Most of the time. 

Unfortunately, it's the difficult times that tend to make you reflect the most and, for me, I have to decide whether or not I can cope with having it feature in my life prominently. 

It's impossible to cut her out of my life completely and I don't want that. 

If she wasn't who she was, I would have done. A long time ago. 

But it's trickier than that. 

I don't think I'm ever going to stop hoping and praying she'll change one day but I hope I can learn to stop trying. 

It might take me moving far away for it to happen but I'm willing to accept that. 

There's only so much of yourself you can give to a difficult situation before it consumes you.

Jessica

xoxo

The First Cut Is The Deepest

'Life is only as good as those you get to share it with' - Darren Criss

This is one of my favourite quotes for a lot of reasons: it's true, it's short and sweet and it carries more weight than I believe was initially intended.
I've just turned 20 and I'm still relatively young but that doesn't mean I haven't experienced heartbreak. Thing is, I'm not talking about a guy; I'm talking about friends.
We've all been there; you have a friend that isn't really great for you and the friendship starts to suffer but you just can't call it quits for some reason.
For me, my last friendship breakup was extremely difficult. It started off being because I liked a guy and she didn't approve and turned into a disgusting breakup which I'm still trying to get over months later.
The initial problem was that she didn't think he was a great guy and I was still in that 'Oh he's so perfect and can't do anything wrong' phase of liking someone we all tend to go through in the beginning of something new. On reflection, I understand where she was coming to - to an extent - but it was when she started making me feel dirty after making out with him where I had to take a step back and say 'Hey. It is not okay for you to make me feel like that'.
I'm not perfect. I sometimes judge people, mentally, that I see on the streets while I'm out and think 'Bad outfit' or 'Strange hair' or whatever but you don't expect that from your friends. The point I made to her was that there are enough women hating on other women in this world and that's what got me upset. She didn't understand this and kept trying to justify her reasoning - even going to far as to say that she had older friends who would think it was disgusting. The blows got lower and lower until I had to call it and say 'Don't message me anymore'. But I kept it nice. This is a woman I've loved and appreciated for three years and I wished her the best in life. Originally, she'd said that we could be friends but she wasn't going to mention her personal life and I shouldn't mention mine but, as I said to her, that isn't a friendship. Friendship is about being raw and open and trusting someone to help you through the bad and good times.
So we stopped talking.
A couple months later, I sent her a message saying that I was sorry about what happened and that I hoped we could still be friends because I love her and the situation was bad. Unfortunately, I opened up to her and she spat back in my face. I showed my friend Roslyn the messages and she was disgusted. I stopped reading them as they got nastier and noticed she still wasn't getting my original point about women hating on women. The last message which Roslyn read was apparently vile. I didn't read it but I caught the last bit about me being young and immature.
The thing is that you can't pretend to be mature or decide you're more mature than someone just because you're older. We all have different experiences in life and they all shape who we are and who we become. Just because she's older than me, doesn't mean she's better and I think she is extremely immature. She even said she blocked me on social media and blocked my number. There are better ways to handle breakups and I respected her more than that.
Throughout my difficult lesson learning, I tried to be nice to her because I did love her and I missed her. She was a good friend to me for those years and I don't think you should forget that.
The problem is that she called me immature and nasty and a bully but she didn't accept the fact that her judgment of me over something that made me happy at the time really hurt me. I apologized and accepted that we were both wrong to let it escalate but she never apologized. She liked to say it was all my fault and she probably still believes that but, at the end of the day, I know I tried.
I learned a lot from that though.
While friendship breakups can be extremely painful, it's good to let go of people who are toxic and who don't make you feel good about yourself.
I'm not saying 'Only be friends with people who always agree with you' because that's ridiculous and unrealistic. What I'm saying is that you should only be friends with people who bring positivity and loyalty to your life. I disagree with my friends all the time but it's how you approach the disagreement and the situations that define your friendship. Never allow your friend to feel like you don't appreciate them because people can only take so much of that.
For me, I know I acted mature in that situation. After our initial argument, I never hit below the belt again. I tried to reason with her and accept that both of us were wrong but she was too stuck on her own, single-minded opinions and calling me names I didn't deserve.
However upsetting a friendship breakup is, you learn something from every one. I've never learnt more from a breakup than I have with my last one and, although I still miss her and wish her the best out of life, I'm glad we're not friends anymore. I have incredible friends who I treasure with all my heart and I'm so grateful for these people.
I only hope that she can accept that it wasn't all my fault one day.
I just don't know if she will.
'Life is only as good as those you get to share it with' - Darren Criss
Jessica
xoxo

Paris

'Have courage and be kind' - #Cinderella 

As I've read the articles on the #ParisAttacks, watched the videos of reporters there and found out more about the devastation in my favourite city, I've also found out about the kindness from the people in #Paris. While extremist attacks will continue, kindness will also prevail. The citizens of Paris used the hashtag #PorteOuverte to help each other and also English speaking tourists find safe places to go to. As heartbreaking and senseless as these attacks have been, love, kindness and sheer determination will always win. 

Our hearts are with you, Paris.🇫🇷 #PrayForParis #Hope #Love #Admiration #ParisJeTaime 

I'll leave you with this video of a pianist playing John Lennon's 'Imagine' in front of the theatre where so many lost their lives. 

A beautiful sentiment at a heartbreaking time. 

http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/watch-pianist-perform-john-lennons-imagine-outside-paris-bataclan-20151114#ixzz3rUIvYglC

Supergirl

SO, I started this year with the intention of actually writing and keeping weekly updates or whatever.
Clearly, that has not happened.
But it's been a busy year. So much has happened.
I've started college, quit my job, lost friends and gained friends... I've grown up a little more.
Guys wise? Meh. I mean, I started going on dates this year was interesting... I met a really nice guy who came into my work and gave me his number. He was kind, funny, sweet and interesting but I... I don't know. I wasn't attracted to him. Not in the way that matters. So I had to let him down which felt awful. Then there was a guy whose name I won't mention ever. Gross. He was smarmy and cheesy and very sexual. He worked in a bar and he was a few years older than me (mid-twenties, I'm 19) so he wanted completely different things and I told him that but then I got a text from him later being kinda mad and I just... No thanks. Whenever I see him now, it's incredibly awkward.
I've also... Okay. My best friend moved out and her roommates are all lovely. Two girls and two guys. One of the guys has a crush on me. I've known this for a while but I've tried to brush it off as I love him as a friend. The other guy I've had a crush on since the second I met him properly. But he had a girlfriend so I never thought about it again because there was no chance it would ever happen. He recently broke up with his girlfriend because they had no future together which is a smart choice. You can't stay with someone who wants completely different things. It won't work. But, yeah, so they broke up and he found out I liked him and... We talked it through. I'm not really ready to date right now as I have so much going on and he's still in love with his ex. Then, a couple of weeks ago, we kissed but we had another couple of mature discussions about it and we agreed it shouldn't go any further.
Halloween, we spent the evening together (My best friend, the two guys and I) and he told me he wanted to get back with his ex. I was a little upset about it but we still talked it through and I wrote a song about it and we're okay now.
We talked again a couple of days later and he told me about something that had happened with his ex which had put him into a difficult position. I won't go into it but, for me, it was just another example of why they shouldn't be together and I told him that. I told him not to get back with her. I just hope he listens because I, truly, want the best for him.

In other news, I have incredible friends. Since starting college, I met a girl who makes me laugh every single day. She says dirty jokes and she's quirky and it's just hilarious when I'm with her.
I love my best friend's roommates. Love them. One is studying Journalism (I think) but she acts as well and she's so freaking talented! I saw her in 'Into The Woods' and her performance almost made me cry. The other girl is really funny. She's American and she's so smart. I want to get to know her better.
I feel like most parts of my life are going okay whereas the others aren't but that's alright. I mean, life isn't perfect. And it's how we handle the bad moments that defines who we turn out to be.
One thing's for sure though, I really want to move out. I want my independence. In order to do that though, I need to find a new job and start saving again which will be a challenge. I have an interview near the end of this month so I'm hoping it goes well.
Until then, I'll be applying to other jobs too and hoping.
Also, the reason this post is called 'Supergirl' is because I was that character for Halloween. I love Supergirl. She's awesome. Superman is my favourite superhero (tied with Grant Gustin's version of The Flash) and now that Melissa Benoist is portraying her on TV, I'm so excited! It's such a good show. Plus, I've always wanted to own the costume... I wouldn't be surprised if it comes back every Halloween/for every fancy dress party I go to...

2015

I posted this on tumblr a few minutes ago. It's my New Year's resolution. 

I want to experience everything I possible can. I want to learn who I am and love that person. I want to meet more inspiring women and watch myself grow into one of them.

I hope everyone has an amazing year! 

Jessica 

xoxo

The Magic of Christmas in Edinburgh

No matter how old I get, I will never be over the beauty of Christmas. 

Though not everyone celebrates it and some people even get irritated by it, no one can deny how much better fairy lights make everything look. It's not even just one place either; it's everywhere! 

Cities, towns, restaurants, stores... 

It's November and the Christmas fair (German Market, Big Wheel, Ice Rink and a few other rides) are already up and going strong. At least in Edinburgh. 

It's stunning. The first thing I saw when I left work was a restaurant nearby which had sparkling lights up and a Christmas Tree! Across the street was a hotel, another restaurant and a jazz bar - all of which were beautiful decorated with Christmas lights. 

I don't know about anyone else but I have always loved seeing it all. 

It reminds me of Christmas traditions and family and love and hope. Also presents but... Yeah...

I don't know how many Christmasses I have left in Edinburgh so I'm enjoying it as much as possible. 

Most wonderful time of the year indeed.

A Tragic Hero

A little while ago, I wrote about a woman who had chosen to end her own life in the face of a terminal illness. Brittany showed so much strength in making that difficult decision and her family showed an equal amount of overwhelming strength for supporting her decision until the end. 

Brittany Maynard ended her life on Saturday 1st of November 2014. 

While I did not know her, I respect and admire this incredible woman for the brave decision she made to end her life with dignity. 

May she forever rest in peace and love. 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/brittany-maynard-the-29-year-old-woman-with-terminal-cancer