August Again (Fringe Fun)

I feel like I have to write something this month.
So much happens!

Last year, I lost nanny midway through August on the 18th.
One week later, I was beginning to fall in love for the first time.
One year on and I've just moved into my first apartment. 

Big things happen in August.
Including the Fringe - a classic piece of Edinburgh culture. 

The Edinburgh Fringe Festival runs from the beginning until the end of August every year and it's been especially good for its 70th Anniversary. 

The main shows I've seen and loved are below: 

Racing Minds - Aaaand Now For Something Completely Improvised

This show was as brilliant as it was funny and inspired me to book tickets to the actors' individual shows as well (I'll get onto them in a bit). This show invites the audience into Grandpa's house where he struggles to remember some key details about a story he wants to tell his grandchildren aaaand this is where the audience comes in.
Bamberwill (Daniel Nils Roberts) goes out into the audience to collect three vital pieces of information: A character's name, the place it happened and a secret the character has.
The final key part needed is the title which, once again comes from the audience.

The first time I saw it (I saw it twice more on my two days off work) the show was set in Scotland and Penelope (Tom Skelton) had quite the journey whilst looking fabulous as she was, in fact, a style icon. 

The actors' quick-thinking and comedic chemistry leaves you laughing and wishing you could see it again - if only they recorded all of their shows. 

Thankfully, they have a podcast which you can subscribe to: www.racingminds.co.uk/wireless

And a website! http://racingminds.co.uk/

Tom Skelton - Blind Man's Bluff

So funny I've booked myself a ticket to see it on the last day of the fringe! 

This show gives you a 'mad comedy history of blindness' including famous people with visual impairments while the basis of it is set in an optometrist's office.
I was actually pulled up for this one and... Forgot my name briefly.
The actor in me has definitely vanished.
I was so embarrassed! Tom was hilarious while also making you think and I loved how he got audience members involved in the show. My friend loved it too - partially because she enjoyed laughing at me but the joke's on her because I got a round of applause... From an elderly lady sitting behind me (still counts). 

I can't wait to see this show again and what the future holds for Tom.

Daniel Nils Roberts - The Causeway

I liked this more than I expected to as I wasn't quite sure what to make of it when I read the description. Daniel was funny, kept me thinking and I loved the historic elements it had in it as I'm a big History lover. We even had some great audience participation which made it even funnier. 

As the end of the fringe draws nearer, I'm beginning to forget how many shows I've seen but this show, like the other Racing Minds shows I got to see, will definitely stay in my head as one of the best ones.
I only wish I could have seen it more than once.  

Chris Turner - What A Time To Be Alive

Chris ended up being a little bit of a wildcard for me as I didn't know what to expect with this show.
When I saw it, however, I was floored by his level of talent. His improvised rap skills are incredible and I was blown away by the quality of the rap he created using words the audience had written down on pieces of paper we were handed as we walked in. 

I watched his Yorkshire Tea advert a couple of days after I saw the show and I was stunned.
This show is different from Tom's and some of the others Racing Minds are doing as it doesn't involve sketches. What it does involve is amazing stand-up and a rap by one of the best rappers I've ever witnessed (I am not a fan of rap but I could listen to his all day). 

Aaaand now for some shows that had nothing to do with Racing Minds (I know, I can't believe I saw anything else either)...

The Improv Musical

I saw this a couple of days after seeing the Racing Minds show and I wasn't sure if its layout would be similar or not.
In a way, it was as the audience were asked for characters' names and places but this time we had to vote.
The host of the show was incredible. He didn't get to be involved with the show too much but he played the drums a little on his seat thing (cannot remember what he was sitting on but it was rectangular and black).
As for the show itself, the characters chosen by the audience had to follow the plot of whatever we'd chosen and create a musical about it.
The songs were almost as good as Chris' improvised raps and I couldn't stop laughing at Mr Bean. 

I might have to see it next year. 

2 Become 1

I'd heard lots of good things and booked this for a day I knew would be a little difficult for me personally speaking.
After seeing Racing Minds for the last time (I'm still heartbroken), I was even more excited to see this. 

2 Become 1 centres around Jess who's recently had her heart broken by her perfect man (Me in December definitely cannot relate whatsoever...) so her friends decide to take her speed dating.

Oddly enough, this is not a perfect solution but the 90's hits they sing throughout the show and the audience participation when Mandy pulls a man onstage as her date leaves you laughing continuously. 

They got a standing ovation and I hope they come back next year! 

I haven't listed all of the shows I went to this year but these were my favourites.
I didn't meant to do a sort of '5 Best Things To See At The Fringe' thing but it's happened all on its own (Except I listed 6 things instead of 5 - Yup, I can count). 

This August has been pretty great compared to last year's whirlwind of heartbreak and new love. I wonder what next year will bring! Happy Fringing!

Jess

xoxo

Wonderful Woman

To say that I 'enjoyed' Wonder Woman would be an understatement of epic proportions. 

My friend accidentally booked tickets to a show for the wrong week and, unfortunately, I couldn't make the show next week due to work so we ended up seeing this film last night after a lovely dinner (I couldn't eat much. I'd gotten tipsy with Jane (my best friend) at lunch that afternoon). 
My friend wasn't really into it but I begged her and we booked our seats. 

What I didn't realise was that the film doesn't officially come out until today, which may explain why the theatre was so full. 

I loved it though. It was incredible! From the island of Amazon women living and cohabiting peacefully on this beautiful hidden island to the action-packed scenes where Gal Gadot truly got to show the world what woman can do... I was hooked from start to finish. 
Even my friend liked it. 

Growing up, there wasn't much representation for women-led movies that had such a strong and passionate female lead and this was as little as ten years ago. 
Wonder Woman embraces her power and seeks to fight for the greater good, inherently believing that love is the most powerful and important thing we have in this world. 

Regardless of where you are in your life, it's always empowering and exciting to see a strong and intelligent woman kick ass on the big screen and I'm so excited by the fact that millions of little girls get to see such a woman doing incredible things. 

Jessica
xoxo

Manchester

I cannot believe it has been one week since the Manchester attack. 

When it first happened, I didn't really process it. I was on a bus to work at 6am and my mind was still wishing I was asleep. 

The attack happened on Monday night, shortly after Ariana Grande had performed her final song. 

My memories of concerts are always the same. 

We leave, rush downstairs to run to get the train back to Edinburgh from Glasgow. 

I can't imagine doing those same things and hearing an explosion in the background. 

I have read so much about what happened since the attack.
I've read about the people injured, the stories of those who survived, and of those who didn't. 

An eight year old little girl has been confirmed as the youngest of the 22 who lost their lives due to one person's madness last Monday. 

Martyn Hett, who was a 29 year old PR Manager, also lost his life. 

Martyn featured in an episode of 'Couples Come Dine With Me' (my favourite reality-esque show in Britain) a few years ago and I've watched his episode multiple times since.
From the first time with nanny, to my bingeing session a few weeks ago...
He always made me laugh.

He was more outgoing than his partner Russell and they made such a perfect pair together.
You could see the love between them radiating, even through the television screen. 

My heart breaks for Russell.

And for everyone who has lost someone because of that horrible 'man'. 

But what has truly warmed my heart is the amount of love and strength Manchester, as a city, has shown. Their community has well and truly pulled together for everyone left broken by something that never should have happened at all. 

Embracing love and kindness in the face of true evil and cruelty is something I wish we heard more of.
But, it's in light of these tragedies that people really do shine. 

I hope everyone in Manchester and the families and loved ones of those we lost knows they have a whole world of love and support if they ever need anything.

Life will never be the same without those 22 incredible human beings we lost to heaven last week but our hearts will never forget them. 

Rest In Peace, Martyn.
Rest in Peace everyone who passed away. 

The world is a better place because you lived in it. 

Jessica

xoxo

Skye's of Blue

Yes, that is a terrible pun.

I went to Skye for three days at the beginning of this week and it was such an incredible trip.
Our tour consisted of about 23 people and our lovely Glaswegian driver Ronnie.
The first day was spent making our way up to the highlands. We had a brief stop in Fort William for some lunch and drove alongside Loch Lomond as we learned about the tragic massacre of the McDonald clan on the mountains of Glen Coe.
My favourite part of the day was our stop at Eilean Donan Castle. Now infamous for its appearance in the film Highlander, it is truly one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. We also met a brilliant guide there who entertained us until we had to head back to the bus.
As everyone on our tour was punctual, Ronnie got us to Skye in record time and my first evening in Broadford was spent making friends with the other girl staying at the B&B we (my colleague Victor and I) were staying at and a lovely girl from Argentina, whose accommodation was a five-minute walk from ours.
At Cafe Sia, I had the greatest pizza of my life. It was cheesy, tomatoey, garlicy, chickeny perfection. I rarely finish all of the food on my plate but I did that night.

The next day meant an early start for a day filled with adventure. From learning about Flora McDonald's tumultuous journey with Bonnie Prince Charlie over to Oban and to safety to a lunch stop in Skye's capital Portree. Whisky tasting was a fun addition to the day but I'm not that into whisky so I mainly enjoyed seeing the faces of other people on our tour... Our day was incredible.
After that, I had dinner with Ronnie (I should probably mention I do work at this company and knew him a few times before our trip) and even tried haggis for the first time! Weirdly enough, it's not as bad as I thought.
After dinner, I started on my scenic walk back to the Riverdale Lodge guesthouse (Best name ever! Mainly because Riverdale also happens to be my new favourite show), said 'hello' to Victor and we made our way over to the small pub across the road.
It was definitely a night I will always remember.

Our last day was bittersweet. I enjoyed our time in Loch Ness and visiting Culloden was eye-opening as I don't think I realised the awful things that happened there until faced with it.
Once again, we made great time on our way back - despite the traffic and slow drivers!
Ronnie was such an incredible tour guide and I'm heartbroken he's leaving us but I'm so excited for where his future journeys will take him.

Can't wait to go back to Skye!

Jessica
xoxo











http://highlandexperience.com/tours/edinburgh/Skye-Tour.htm

Here's To Heartbreak: Moving On

Mental Health Awareness Month seems like the perfect time to get back to regular writing so let's get stuck in. 

One year ago today, Oscar died. He was mine and nanny's cat for three years but he'll remain in my heart forever.
Losing him so suddenly and stroking his head while he passed away hit me hard. I didn't know how I was ever going to manage without him.
The night before he died was spent crying and telling him I loved him.
I actually slept on nanny's bed, the little I did sleep anyway.
She and I talked for hours about loss and death and how to hold on even when you feel like your whole world is crashing down around you. 
Little did I know this conversation would come to haunt me just three months later.

In August, nanny passed away, 
The night before she died was spent with her only this time I didn't get to sleep at the end of her bed.
I told her she could move on, gave her permission to as I knew she would never leave me willingly or if she thought I couldn't cope.
So, I promised her I would.
I would be okay. I would miss her every single moment for the rest of my life but I would love her eternally nonetheless. 

In December, my first love left me.
Heartbreak hit me harder than both of those things combined.
There's a vast difference to being left through death and being left by choice. 
The days and weeks after that were spent crying myself to sleep (when I got any at all), drinking every day (for a week, I didn't enjoy that), looking sad in all the nicest places (Yes, that's a Taylor Swift reference) and wondering how I was going to be able to live through this incredible amount of pain I felt constantly.
In time, I started to be able to breathe again. 
And I am so grateful for that.

I feel like heartbreak forces you to rediscover yourself, maybe even more so than the death of a loved one can.
Everyone's experiences are different but, to me, losing the woman who raised me forced me to become stronger without her while embracing this new partnership I had discovered. When I first dealt with heartbreak, I had to figure out who I was without him - and without nanny.
Heartbreak has forced me to be even stronger than I was before and I am still embracing this brand new version of myself.
It's been horrible, painful, confusing and so incredibly exciting. 

The biggest turning point with heartbreak, however, is when you finally learn the difference between missing him and missing the way you felt with him.
That takes time and I still think of him with kindness in my heart because I'm choosing to remember the man he was with me and not the person he has turned into now.
If I focused on the latter, I'd never move on. 

It's also important to remember that you are not what he says about you or who he decides you are after the breakup.
That took me a long time to realise but his opinion cannot stay the most important in my life and it hasn't.
Heartbreak hit me at a time when I was vulnerable and already felt extremely alone. Losing him then hit me the hardest because I had no safe place to go to and no family (other than close friends) that could comfort me.
But my own opinion has become more and more important in the months since.
He can say what he likes about me but I will never say anything horrible about his character because who he is now isn't important to me.
I can only wish him the best in life.
If he can't do the same for me, that's his choice. 
And if he can't choose to remember how hard I tried to be good enough for him and the most loving parts of our relationship, that's his choice too.

I am no longer the person I was when I was with him and I never will be again but that's not a bad thing. I read that heartbreak changes you dramatically and I didn't quite understand that until it happened.
I am stronger without him than I ever was with him. I have a better and more balanced opinion of myself now and I want so many things I didn't even consider with him. 

I still love a good Taylor Swift song though. 

Depression is a dark word but it shouldn't be.
I've had it on and off since I was 16 and I understand how badly it can affect people but it does so in many different ways - so much so that no two people ever deal with it in entirely the same way. 
My first experience of it was rough. I gained weight, lost interest in everything and basically turned into a recluse.
My most recent experience of it was my first without nanny and without a home to go to and that was completely different.
I now deal with it by working as much as possible and talking it through with my closest friends.
I can't handle it on my own anymore. 

This Mental Health Awareness Month, we need to focus on being kinder to people. Who knows what's happened in their life?
We also need to learn to be more tolerant of those struggling with mental health issues.
It's not funny, it is just as serious (if not more sometimes) and just as debilitating as a physical ailment as well as being just as dangerous.
We need to try and help those in pain and we should never laugh it off or assume they're 'just sad'. 

This post was about the three worst experiences of my life and they all happened within the same year. I am currently typing this wondering how I survived right now. But I won't go into that. 

'13 Reasons Why' tells the story of a girl who killed herself and left 13 reasons as to why she did it.
Not all of them were big things, most of them happened to cause a chain of reactions which broke her down piece by piece until it became too much to bear.
Because of this, I believe it was a great eye opener for people who maybe don't understand mental illness as much and maybe do some of the things she had done to her.
We don't always think and it's not always dangerous but it can be.
Our actions have consequences. 

So, this month and every month, I hope you start to consider your actions a little more and maybe even try to be kind to that one person at school or work or wherever that you see who looks like they may be struggling a little. 

And, if you're struggling personally, please reach out to someone. Help is out there. You may have to go searching but talking to someone helps so much.
As Cinderella says, 'Kindness is free, love is free.'

Jessica

Here's To Heartbreak

If your heart's recently been broken, Valentine's Day can be just another painful reminder but it's not all bad.

Posted on February 14, 2017, at 9:53 a.m.

TV, music videos and film often depict heartbreak as a beautiful woman in beautiful clothes crying her heart out. Of course, I'm generalising and this isn't exactly a rule and there are exceptions... BUT

What they often don't depict is the little changes to your life true heartbreak causes. They don't tell you that you'll order his coffee or buy his favourite soft drink sometimes just to imagine you're tasting it on his lips. They don't tell you you'll hear from many of your friends and family that this gigantic feeling of loss is something you'll get over when it doesn't actually happen very quickly. They don't tell you you're going to notice changes within yourself that don't even relate to him at all. I'm terrified of needles and usually hold onto my best friend's hand for dear life while holding back tears (Oh how I wish I were kidding...) at hospital appointments but, on Friday at my most recent one, I didn't even flinch. I actually looked at it while the blood was being taken and felt nothing.

When you love someone as much as I have loved and continue to love my first love, that kind of pain you feel from losing them doesn't just dissipate.

It's been two months and I've cried over him three times in the last week alone.

But don't take this as a huge banner from me saying 'Love isn't worth it' because I actually believe the exact opposite.

I'm going to quote something I told a friend of mine who said she wanted love to be 'nice and easy'.

'Unfortunately, I can't promise you that love will be easy because it never is. Even when you do meet the person you'll end up marrying, there will probably be days where you'll cry and you'll question if it's worth it or not. Happy Ever After isn't a right, it's a privilege and it takes hard work and dedication from both sides.

What I can promise you is that true love is out there. Regardless of what happens now or where my life ends up, I consider myself so incredibly lucky because I know real love exists. I've experienced it. Being with him felt like being home and I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone else who will make me feel as safe or as happy or as loved but I'm okay with that because at least I've gotten to feel it once in my life.

You see, true love might not always be nice or easy but the pain that will come with loving someone so much is worth so much more than living without that person.

You could ask me fifty years from now if I regret my first love because of how much pain I have been and continue to be in and I would tell you no. I don't regret a single moment with him.

I know you want easy and nice but real love is worth the effort. I promise.'

You see, for every single part of my soul that heartbreak has left in shreds, there is a memory I will always treasure.

I've read a thousand and one quotes on heartbreak on my quest to understand it and help myself through it and what I've learnt is that it's okay to still miss him after two months.

It's okay to break down crying just because you heard a song he once told you reminded him of you. It's okay to order his favourite coffee and quote what he said about milk ruining coffee when the barista asks you if you want milk in it. It's okay not to hate the one person you thought would never hurt you and who ended up breaking you more than anything else ever could.

But, most of all, it's okay to still be crying over him two months on.

Time can and does heal but, when you've been lucky enough to love someone as much as I have, it doesn't just fade away in a week.

I will always love him, whether he returns to me or not, because he taught me to see the beauty in life. He gave me hope and something to live for.

And you know what? That's okay too. Still loving him is okay.

Heartbreak isn't beautiful but learning how to cope with it and treating yourself better despite the pain you're in is.

I truly admire everyone going through this who is strong enough to keep living.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all of the men and women missing someone.

The pain will fade but the memories never will.

Treat yourself with love and care, try new experiences, go to the gym, don't go to the gym... Be the person he or she made you want to be because you deserve to be that for yourself.

Jessica

(Originally posted on Buzzfeed)

I Don't Know

Three words that have been flying around in my head like a constant stream of confusion since he left me.
This past month has been strange.
I'm getting hit on more than ever before, rejecting more people as politely as possible than I ever thought I'd have to and making decisions based on sadness and alcohol when I really shouldn't.

The thing about heartbreak is that it comes in waves. The first few days were the hardest, then I was managing to cope until Christmas and then New Year and then my birthday; three awful days for me mentally.
I don't understand anything.
I lost him but I've also lost myself and I can't decide which one's worse.

Because I miss him more than I should. He left me so I should be angry at him for it and want him to suffer but love isn't like that.
I love him more than I ever thought possible and I still just want him to be happy. Regardless of how badly he broke me.
Love means being selfless. It means putting someone else's happiness before your own and doing whatever you can to ensure their happiness lasts.
I just want him to be okay.
I want him to be happy.
What I'm slowly realising and struggling to come to terms with is the fact that his happiness might include me being gone forever.

There's a great song by Adele. It's an older one and it's called 'Don't You Remember?'. In it, Adele asks her former love if he remembers why he left her and asks him when she'll see him again. There was no proper 'Goodbye' or closure from the relationship and she wonders if he even still thinks about her.
I relate to this so badly right now.
I think about him constantly. There's not a day that's gone by since he left where I haven't wondered if he's okay.
But maybe he isn't thinking about me. Maybe he hasn't thought about me once since he left.
I know him better than to actually believe that but I don't think he's thought about me as much or in the same way.
What I'm really terrified of though is that he's falling out of love with me.
Because I can't fall out of love with him.
No amount of stupid decisions or desperate attempts at moving on will change that.

There's a saying that goes 'When it's real, you can't walk away'.
I used to believe that with every part of my being but I don't know if I do anymore.
Sometimes, you have to walk away to realise that the person you love is who you're meant to be with.
But that might just be me thinking that while he moves on with his life and leaves me in his past.

What kills me is that I was so sure about him. I've never been in love before but I knew, from the moment we met and then had our first proper conversation, that I could never walk away from him.
He used to say the same about me. He used to.

Another funny thing is that I still can't say a harsh word against him.
My friends are angry at him for hurting me and I understand that entirely because no one's ever seen me as bad I was when he left and my best friends have had to convince me into believing that my life is worth living and that I'm stronger than I'm saying and that's not fair to them.
I get it. I get all of it. All of their anger and frustration.
But I still think the world of him.
I always will.
I have never been more sure of anything in my life than I am of the fact that I will always love him and be so incredibly grateful that I got to be his first love and that he was mine.

First loves are so important and mine was incredible. Every moment until the last month of our relationship was worth all of the pain I'm in right now.
You could ask me in ten years if I would change anything and I guarantee that I would still say no to that.
He was kind and loving and compassionate and smart...
He made me feel so special when I was with him and reminded me of how much he loved me in random moments when we were apart.

I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again.
I can't say I won't but love and marriage and anything that involves the future... They're things I can't think about anymore.
Even if I don't ever feel that way about someone again and I end up alone with a golden retriever, I will still consider myself so lucky to have been his and to have gotten to spend those months with him by my side.

People so often tend to lash out or get angry after a break up but I will never say a bad word against him. He saved me from drowning when I lost my gran. He just didn't save me when I lost him.
Which is probably why I still burst into tears if I accidentally see something he's commented on on Facebook...

John Green wrote that 'pain demands to be felt' and I'm in constant pain without him.
But the pain reminds me that everything we had was real. So bring on the rain and the breathlessness. Bring on the feeling of drowning when I'm walking down the street and see something that reminds me of him.
I don't care. It just means that he was important.

Now, I don't know how he's doing or if he even really gets upset by not having me anymore. It doesn't necessarily seem like it but I haven't seen nor heard from him so...

I don't know if I want to either.
I still have things in his flat in another town but I know that a text from him and seeing him will break me again and I don't know if I'm ready to go back to those early days yet.
We need space and time - he was right about that.
I won't get in contact with him and he won't with me until he gets so annoyed at having my crap in his house that he texts me with a plan.

Whatever happens though, I hope he's happy in the end.
I don't know if this is it for us or if he is The One but he deserves the best out of life. Truly.
I hope he finds it.

Jessica
xoxo