Manchester

I cannot believe it has been one week since the Manchester attack. 

When it first happened, I didn't really process it. I was on a bus to work at 6am and my mind was still wishing I was asleep. 

The attack happened on Monday night, shortly after Ariana Grande had performed her final song. 

My memories of concerts are always the same. 

We leave, rush downstairs to run to get the train back to Edinburgh from Glasgow. 

I can't imagine doing those same things and hearing an explosion in the background. 

I have read so much about what happened since the attack.
I've read about the people injured, the stories of those who survived, and of those who didn't. 

An eight year old little girl has been confirmed as the youngest of the 22 who lost their lives due to one person's madness last Monday. 

Martyn Hett, who was a 29 year old PR Manager, also lost his life. 

Martyn featured in an episode of 'Couples Come Dine With Me' (my favourite reality-esque show in Britain) a few years ago and I've watched his episode multiple times since.
From the first time with nanny, to my bingeing session a few weeks ago...
He always made me laugh.

He was more outgoing than his partner Russell and they made such a perfect pair together.
You could see the love between them radiating, even through the television screen. 

My heart breaks for Russell.

And for everyone who has lost someone because of that horrible 'man'. 

But what has truly warmed my heart is the amount of love and strength Manchester, as a city, has shown. Their community has well and truly pulled together for everyone left broken by something that never should have happened at all. 

Embracing love and kindness in the face of true evil and cruelty is something I wish we heard more of.
But, it's in light of these tragedies that people really do shine. 

I hope everyone in Manchester and the families and loved ones of those we lost knows they have a whole world of love and support if they ever need anything.

Life will never be the same without those 22 incredible human beings we lost to heaven last week but our hearts will never forget them. 

Rest In Peace, Martyn.
Rest in Peace everyone who passed away. 

The world is a better place because you lived in it. 

Jessica

xoxo

Skye's of Blue

Yes, that is a terrible pun.

I went to Skye for three days at the beginning of this week and it was such an incredible trip.
Our tour consisted of about 23 people and our lovely Glaswegian driver Ronnie.
The first day was spent making our way up to the highlands. We had a brief stop in Fort William for some lunch and drove alongside Loch Lomond as we learned about the tragic massacre of the McDonald clan on the mountains of Glen Coe.
My favourite part of the day was our stop at Eilean Donan Castle. Now infamous for its appearance in the film Highlander, it is truly one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. We also met a brilliant guide there who entertained us until we had to head back to the bus.
As everyone on our tour was punctual, Ronnie got us to Skye in record time and my first evening in Broadford was spent making friends with the other girl staying at the B&B we (my colleague Victor and I) were staying at and a lovely girl from Argentina, whose accommodation was a five-minute walk from ours.
At Cafe Sia, I had the greatest pizza of my life. It was cheesy, tomatoey, garlicy, chickeny perfection. I rarely finish all of the food on my plate but I did that night.

The next day meant an early start for a day filled with adventure. From learning about Flora McDonald's tumultuous journey with Bonnie Prince Charlie over to Oban and to safety to a lunch stop in Skye's capital Portree. Whisky tasting was a fun addition to the day but I'm not that into whisky so I mainly enjoyed seeing the faces of other people on our tour... Our day was incredible.
After that, I had dinner with Ronnie (I should probably mention I do work at this company and knew him a few times before our trip) and even tried haggis for the first time! Weirdly enough, it's not as bad as I thought.
After dinner, I started on my scenic walk back to the Riverdale Lodge guesthouse (Best name ever! Mainly because Riverdale also happens to be my new favourite show), said 'hello' to Victor and we made our way over to the small pub across the road.
It was definitely a night I will always remember.

Our last day was bittersweet. I enjoyed our time in Loch Ness and visiting Culloden was eye-opening as I don't think I realised the awful things that happened there until faced with it.
Once again, we made great time on our way back - despite the traffic and slow drivers!
Ronnie was such an incredible tour guide and I'm heartbroken he's leaving us but I'm so excited for where his future journeys will take him.

Can't wait to go back to Skye!

Jessica
xoxo











http://highlandexperience.com/tours/edinburgh/Skye-Tour.htm

Here's To Heartbreak: Moving On

Mental Health Awareness Month seems like the perfect time to get back to regular writing so let's get stuck in. 

One year ago today, Oscar died. He was mine and nanny's cat for three years but he'll remain in my heart forever.
Losing him so suddenly and stroking his head while he passed away hit me hard. I didn't know how I was ever going to manage without him.
The night before he died was spent crying and telling him I loved him.
I actually slept on nanny's bed, the little I did sleep anyway.
She and I talked for hours about loss and death and how to hold on even when you feel like your whole world is crashing down around you. 
Little did I know this conversation would come to haunt me just three months later.

In August, nanny passed away, 
The night before she died was spent with her only this time I didn't get to sleep at the end of her bed.
I told her she could move on, gave her permission to as I knew she would never leave me willingly or if she thought I couldn't cope.
So, I promised her I would.
I would be okay. I would miss her every single moment for the rest of my life but I would love her eternally nonetheless. 

In December, my first love left me.
Heartbreak hit me harder than both of those things combined.
There's a vast difference to being left through death and being left by choice. 
The days and weeks after that were spent crying myself to sleep (when I got any at all), drinking every day (for a week, I didn't enjoy that), looking sad in all the nicest places (Yes, that's a Taylor Swift reference) and wondering how I was going to be able to live through this incredible amount of pain I felt constantly.
In time, I started to be able to breathe again. 
And I am so grateful for that.

I feel like heartbreak forces you to rediscover yourself, maybe even more so than the death of a loved one can.
Everyone's experiences are different but, to me, losing the woman who raised me forced me to become stronger without her while embracing this new partnership I had discovered. When I first dealt with heartbreak, I had to figure out who I was without him - and without nanny.
Heartbreak has forced me to be even stronger than I was before and I am still embracing this brand new version of myself.
It's been horrible, painful, confusing and so incredibly exciting. 

The biggest turning point with heartbreak, however, is when you finally learn the difference between missing him and missing the way you felt with him.
That takes time and I still think of him with kindness in my heart because I'm choosing to remember the man he was with me and not the person he has turned into now.
If I focused on the latter, I'd never move on. 

It's also important to remember that you are not what he says about you or who he decides you are after the breakup.
That took me a long time to realise but his opinion cannot stay the most important in my life and it hasn't.
Heartbreak hit me at a time when I was vulnerable and already felt extremely alone. Losing him then hit me the hardest because I had no safe place to go to and no family (other than close friends) that could comfort me.
But my own opinion has become more and more important in the months since.
He can say what he likes about me but I will never say anything horrible about his character because who he is now isn't important to me.
I can only wish him the best in life.
If he can't do the same for me, that's his choice. 
And if he can't choose to remember how hard I tried to be good enough for him and the most loving parts of our relationship, that's his choice too.

I am no longer the person I was when I was with him and I never will be again but that's not a bad thing. I read that heartbreak changes you dramatically and I didn't quite understand that until it happened.
I am stronger without him than I ever was with him. I have a better and more balanced opinion of myself now and I want so many things I didn't even consider with him. 

I still love a good Taylor Swift song though. 

Depression is a dark word but it shouldn't be.
I've had it on and off since I was 16 and I understand how badly it can affect people but it does so in many different ways - so much so that no two people ever deal with it in entirely the same way. 
My first experience of it was rough. I gained weight, lost interest in everything and basically turned into a recluse.
My most recent experience of it was my first without nanny and without a home to go to and that was completely different.
I now deal with it by working as much as possible and talking it through with my closest friends.
I can't handle it on my own anymore. 

This Mental Health Awareness Month, we need to focus on being kinder to people. Who knows what's happened in their life?
We also need to learn to be more tolerant of those struggling with mental health issues.
It's not funny, it is just as serious (if not more sometimes) and just as debilitating as a physical ailment as well as being just as dangerous.
We need to try and help those in pain and we should never laugh it off or assume they're 'just sad'. 

This post was about the three worst experiences of my life and they all happened within the same year. I am currently typing this wondering how I survived right now. But I won't go into that. 

'13 Reasons Why' tells the story of a girl who killed herself and left 13 reasons as to why she did it.
Not all of them were big things, most of them happened to cause a chain of reactions which broke her down piece by piece until it became too much to bear.
Because of this, I believe it was a great eye opener for people who maybe don't understand mental illness as much and maybe do some of the things she had done to her.
We don't always think and it's not always dangerous but it can be.
Our actions have consequences. 

So, this month and every month, I hope you start to consider your actions a little more and maybe even try to be kind to that one person at school or work or wherever that you see who looks like they may be struggling a little. 

And, if you're struggling personally, please reach out to someone. Help is out there. You may have to go searching but talking to someone helps so much.
As Cinderella says, 'Kindness is free, love is free.'

Jessica

Here's To Heartbreak

If your heart's recently been broken, Valentine's Day can be just another painful reminder but it's not all bad.

Posted on February 14, 2017, at 9:53 a.m.

TV, music videos and film often depict heartbreak as a beautiful woman in beautiful clothes crying her heart out. Of course, I'm generalising and this isn't exactly a rule and there are exceptions... BUT

What they often don't depict is the little changes to your life true heartbreak causes. They don't tell you that you'll order his coffee or buy his favourite soft drink sometimes just to imagine you're tasting it on his lips. They don't tell you you'll hear from many of your friends and family that this gigantic feeling of loss is something you'll get over when it doesn't actually happen very quickly. They don't tell you you're going to notice changes within yourself that don't even relate to him at all. I'm terrified of needles and usually hold onto my best friend's hand for dear life while holding back tears (Oh how I wish I were kidding...) at hospital appointments but, on Friday at my most recent one, I didn't even flinch. I actually looked at it while the blood was being taken and felt nothing.

When you love someone as much as I have loved and continue to love my first love, that kind of pain you feel from losing them doesn't just dissipate.

It's been two months and I've cried over him three times in the last week alone.

But don't take this as a huge banner from me saying 'Love isn't worth it' because I actually believe the exact opposite.

I'm going to quote something I told a friend of mine who said she wanted love to be 'nice and easy'.

'Unfortunately, I can't promise you that love will be easy because it never is. Even when you do meet the person you'll end up marrying, there will probably be days where you'll cry and you'll question if it's worth it or not. Happy Ever After isn't a right, it's a privilege and it takes hard work and dedication from both sides.

What I can promise you is that true love is out there. Regardless of what happens now or where my life ends up, I consider myself so incredibly lucky because I know real love exists. I've experienced it. Being with him felt like being home and I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone else who will make me feel as safe or as happy or as loved but I'm okay with that because at least I've gotten to feel it once in my life.

You see, true love might not always be nice or easy but the pain that will come with loving someone so much is worth so much more than living without that person.

You could ask me fifty years from now if I regret my first love because of how much pain I have been and continue to be in and I would tell you no. I don't regret a single moment with him.

I know you want easy and nice but real love is worth the effort. I promise.'

You see, for every single part of my soul that heartbreak has left in shreds, there is a memory I will always treasure.

I've read a thousand and one quotes on heartbreak on my quest to understand it and help myself through it and what I've learnt is that it's okay to still miss him after two months.

It's okay to break down crying just because you heard a song he once told you reminded him of you. It's okay to order his favourite coffee and quote what he said about milk ruining coffee when the barista asks you if you want milk in it. It's okay not to hate the one person you thought would never hurt you and who ended up breaking you more than anything else ever could.

But, most of all, it's okay to still be crying over him two months on.

Time can and does heal but, when you've been lucky enough to love someone as much as I have, it doesn't just fade away in a week.

I will always love him, whether he returns to me or not, because he taught me to see the beauty in life. He gave me hope and something to live for.

And you know what? That's okay too. Still loving him is okay.

Heartbreak isn't beautiful but learning how to cope with it and treating yourself better despite the pain you're in is.

I truly admire everyone going through this who is strong enough to keep living.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all of the men and women missing someone.

The pain will fade but the memories never will.

Treat yourself with love and care, try new experiences, go to the gym, don't go to the gym... Be the person he or she made you want to be because you deserve to be that for yourself.

Jessica

(Originally posted on Buzzfeed)

I Don't Know

Three words that have been flying around in my head like a constant stream of confusion since he left me.
This past month has been strange.
I'm getting hit on more than ever before, rejecting more people as politely as possible than I ever thought I'd have to and making decisions based on sadness and alcohol when I really shouldn't.

The thing about heartbreak is that it comes in waves. The first few days were the hardest, then I was managing to cope until Christmas and then New Year and then my birthday; three awful days for me mentally.
I don't understand anything.
I lost him but I've also lost myself and I can't decide which one's worse.

Because I miss him more than I should. He left me so I should be angry at him for it and want him to suffer but love isn't like that.
I love him more than I ever thought possible and I still just want him to be happy. Regardless of how badly he broke me.
Love means being selfless. It means putting someone else's happiness before your own and doing whatever you can to ensure their happiness lasts.
I just want him to be okay.
I want him to be happy.
What I'm slowly realising and struggling to come to terms with is the fact that his happiness might include me being gone forever.

There's a great song by Adele. It's an older one and it's called 'Don't You Remember?'. In it, Adele asks her former love if he remembers why he left her and asks him when she'll see him again. There was no proper 'Goodbye' or closure from the relationship and she wonders if he even still thinks about her.
I relate to this so badly right now.
I think about him constantly. There's not a day that's gone by since he left where I haven't wondered if he's okay.
But maybe he isn't thinking about me. Maybe he hasn't thought about me once since he left.
I know him better than to actually believe that but I don't think he's thought about me as much or in the same way.
What I'm really terrified of though is that he's falling out of love with me.
Because I can't fall out of love with him.
No amount of stupid decisions or desperate attempts at moving on will change that.

There's a saying that goes 'When it's real, you can't walk away'.
I used to believe that with every part of my being but I don't know if I do anymore.
Sometimes, you have to walk away to realise that the person you love is who you're meant to be with.
But that might just be me thinking that while he moves on with his life and leaves me in his past.

What kills me is that I was so sure about him. I've never been in love before but I knew, from the moment we met and then had our first proper conversation, that I could never walk away from him.
He used to say the same about me. He used to.

Another funny thing is that I still can't say a harsh word against him.
My friends are angry at him for hurting me and I understand that entirely because no one's ever seen me as bad I was when he left and my best friends have had to convince me into believing that my life is worth living and that I'm stronger than I'm saying and that's not fair to them.
I get it. I get all of it. All of their anger and frustration.
But I still think the world of him.
I always will.
I have never been more sure of anything in my life than I am of the fact that I will always love him and be so incredibly grateful that I got to be his first love and that he was mine.

First loves are so important and mine was incredible. Every moment until the last month of our relationship was worth all of the pain I'm in right now.
You could ask me in ten years if I would change anything and I guarantee that I would still say no to that.
He was kind and loving and compassionate and smart...
He made me feel so special when I was with him and reminded me of how much he loved me in random moments when we were apart.

I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again.
I can't say I won't but love and marriage and anything that involves the future... They're things I can't think about anymore.
Even if I don't ever feel that way about someone again and I end up alone with a golden retriever, I will still consider myself so lucky to have been his and to have gotten to spend those months with him by my side.

People so often tend to lash out or get angry after a break up but I will never say a bad word against him. He saved me from drowning when I lost my gran. He just didn't save me when I lost him.
Which is probably why I still burst into tears if I accidentally see something he's commented on on Facebook...

John Green wrote that 'pain demands to be felt' and I'm in constant pain without him.
But the pain reminds me that everything we had was real. So bring on the rain and the breathlessness. Bring on the feeling of drowning when I'm walking down the street and see something that reminds me of him.
I don't care. It just means that he was important.

Now, I don't know how he's doing or if he even really gets upset by not having me anymore. It doesn't necessarily seem like it but I haven't seen nor heard from him so...

I don't know if I want to either.
I still have things in his flat in another town but I know that a text from him and seeing him will break me again and I don't know if I'm ready to go back to those early days yet.
We need space and time - he was right about that.
I won't get in contact with him and he won't with me until he gets so annoyed at having my crap in his house that he texts me with a plan.

Whatever happens though, I hope he's happy in the end.
I don't know if this is it for us or if he is The One but he deserves the best out of life. Truly.
I hope he finds it.

Jessica
xoxo

All I Ask

'It matters how this ends...
What if I never love again?'

Two of the most heartbreaking lyrics ever written.
And I couldn't relate more.

It's a funny thing, heartbreak.
This is my first real experience with it. Losing my first love has broken me entirely and I'm not sure how to find myself again after this.
But was it worth it?

God, yes.

We met shortly after my gran died. I was coping but I was still struggling. I wasn't sure if I'd get through the next few months but I was hopeful.
I met him with a closed heart.
I wasn't going to date. I needed time to figure out who I was and I needed to do that by being single.
Also, I hate dating. It's awkward and I never know what to say and it felt like too much too soon.
But then I met him and everything changed.
Not to be cheesy but I'd compare it to a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.
He was tall and gorgeous and I melted into him.
At one point, I went outside and he asked if I was coming back. I felt like telling him that I would always, for as long as I was able, come back to him. Instead, because I'm not entirely creepy, I just told him I would.
He ended up coming outside and we talked and we stayed together for the rest of the night.
Then we made plans to see each other and the rest is history.

I knew I loved him when he left to go back for university.
I've never been in love before and it was so scary to think that I could have fallen in love with him so quickly after losing nanny but I did. After our first date, I wrote that I was sure he was The One.
The next weekend, I visited him and we told each other about our histories (all of the bad stuff) and he told me he loved me. We also had drama that weekend as he got ill and I panicked and looked after him. I made homemade soup for the first time. It wasn't that great but he was kind about it.

I wanted to be so perfect for him. He's an incredible man and I wanted to be good enough for someone like him. He pushed me to be better and believed in me when I didn't. He knew me better than anyone else ever has and he held me when I needed to cry. And I never went to bed feeling unloved or alone when I was with him.

Then it got difficult and he needed space and I understood.
I've known we were breaking up since the 'I love you' goodnight texts stopped.
I understand why we broke up and I think it was for the best in some ways but I can't get over how it happened. The look in his eyes when he confirmed I was right and he was breaking up with me... He'd never looked at me like that before. It was cold and heartbreaking and I didn't know looks could kill you emotionally before but they can and it's not fun.

We have to meet to exchange stuff (things I kept at his, his T-Shirt) and I don't know how I'll cope.
I have always been great at keeping my emotions in check but, after he left me yesterday, I burst into tears and ran through Princes Street like a fool.
He'd already changed his relationship status (on facebook) by the time I got to the west end.
A man actually gave me a packet of tissues to wipe my eyes with because I was crying. He told me I was beautiful and that my first love 'wasn't worth' the tears I was crying and the pain I'm in.
And I want to be mad because he broke up with me in such a cruel way.
But I can't be angry at him because I love him and I know he did what he thought was best for him and I can't argue with that.

I went to the place I met him (back in the beginning) with Jane at about two in the afternoon and got drunk. I'm not proud of that but I needed something to ease my pain or make me feel it, truly feel it.
Because I don't know what to do now.
Four months may not seem like a very long time but he was my first love.
He promised we'd be together for the rest of our lives  and told me I'd be 'loved and taken care of' forever and I'm not sure how to be alone anymore.
I've been his girlfriend for what feels like a really long time and I don't know how not to be.
I don't think I can move on from this quickly because I still hope he'll find his way back to me someday.
Maybe he will.
I don't know.
I used to love imagining the future but now I can't because it hurts too much.

Heartbreak is the worst pain I have ever felt.
I know girls have had their hearts broken and gotten over it (two lovely women in the bathroom at the bar yesterday talked to me for ages about it) and I know that I will too one day.
I didn't eat anything yesterday because I couldn't handle it and I didn't sleep well or much at all.
I'm okay with this though. The pain reminds me that it was real and that he was real at one point.

Loving him has been both the greatest and the most heartbreaking experience of my life but every single second with him when we were happy and he loved me was worth all of this pain.
I'm always going to love him, regardless of what happens now.
And, if he finds his way back to me (which I hope he will), I will love him just as much as I do now.
If he doesn't... I'll find a way to be happy. I really just hope he finds someone incredible.
He doesn't think it of himself but he's a wonderful person and he should never settle for anyone who thinks he is anything other than extraordinary.
I hope she's kind and beautiful and cooks for him (he's a terrible cook) but, most of all, I hope she loves him as much as I have. He deserves so much love and happiness from this world and I hope he finds someone who can give him that, even if it's not me.

What I hope for myself right now though (I definitely can't think about falling in love again, who knows if I'll even be capable? Hence the Adele quote) is that I find myself.
The not eating and sleeping thing is getting old already and I hate being this sad. I hate that I've cried in public so many times and that I can't think of ways to be happy.
I can remember happiness. I see it in my face when I see a photo of him and I and I can remember it all. Every moment with him. The best moments (him asking me to be his girlfriend outside Surgeon's Hall, him telling me he loved me, him coming up behind me and kissing me in the kitchen when I was cooking, the fact he'd always smile when he woke up and his eyes focused on my face...)... All of it is imprinted on my heart like a tattoo and I still smile thinking of those times.
But happiness isn't an option for me right now and that's okay.
I need time to heal and to grieve him because I have lost so much this year.
When you've imagined a future with someone, it's hard to say goodbye to that.
I'm not only grieving losing a best friend and a boyfriend; I'm crying for everything that won't happen now. All of it's just gone.

I'm writing this down because I want to remember it. I'm in Hell right now and I can't imagine being happy but I want to be and I will be eventually.
Having this down in some form means that I can read it in the future and be reminded of how painful it was but also know I got through it.

If he and I are meant to be together, he'll come back to me in time.
If we're not, I hope he finds happiness with someone brilliant.

'And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more and I might be okay but I'm not fine at all'

Jessica
xoxo

Isla

Two weeks ago today, on Thursday 18th August, my grandmother passed away.
It was peaceful and quiet and she wasn't in pain.
She finally got to go home to her husband.
After twenty years apart, I'm sure she was happy to see him.

I walked into the room complaining about how a nurse had mistaken me for a mother of two blonde children, of course I was doing that, but my aunt told me once I'd stopped talking.
Three words and they changed everything.
'Nanny's passed away.'

My auntie Sandra (nanny's sister) was closest to me. She told me to kiss her on the cheek but I couldn't. I just shook my head and put my hand over my mouth and cried.
It didn't last long. I cried for less than a minute.
When I had composed myself, I moved closer to nanny and kissed her forehead before sighing with relief.
Her suffering was over, finally.

I'd said my official 'Goodbye' to her the day before.
She was mostly out of it thanks to the cocktail of drugs they'd put her on to take away any pain in her last few days but she was, apparently, able to hear things.
Nanny told me a hundred times over that she wanted me to find a good man, marry him and have kids.
That's all she ever wanted for me.
I know her views were old fashioned but those were the things in her life that gave her the most happiness and she wanted that for me too.
She loved being married. She loved her husband and raising her children and, then, raising me.
I might not be ready for marriage and kids yet but I know that, when I do, she'll be watching over us all.
I promised her I'd find him and that I'd love him forever - the same way she loved my granddad.
I promised I'd tell our kids all about the strong, kind, wonderful woman who raised me.
She can't truly die until all of our stories about her are finished being told.
With that knowledge, I know it will be a long time before she's really gone forever.

I spent as much time with her as possible when I was younger. Every weekend, every weekday after school... If anyone was ever wondering where I was, you could be sure it was with her.
She was my first best friend, until I met Jane in 2000, and she was my hero.
We had so many traditions, nanny and I...
My favourite was always our trip to Jenners at Christmas. We'd go look at all the toys downstairs and then we'd go see the giant Christmas tree.
To a five year old, there wasn't anything more magical than that.
She loved Christmas. Every year, our house would be sparkling from all the different decorations. She would cook Christmas dinner and I would be amazed at how one person can make a season so magical and perfect.
She also gave me a belief in fairies.
Every year, at Christmas, I would wake up in the morning of Christmas Eve and find a beautiful princess dress hanging on the door next to mine. Nanny always told me the fairies had left it for me and I believed her with everything I had.
Not all of our traditions were at Christmas though.
Another of my favourites is that, whenever I was ill or off from school, she would make 'Make You Well Soup' - that was my childish name for it (I was probably only about three when I started calling it that). Even when I got sent home from school, my mum would drop me off with nanny and she'd have my pajamas wrapped around a hot water bottle in my bed and some soup ready for me.
She even got me a dog - Benji.
Technically, we had Annie first but she had to be re-homed as she was a Greyhound and too much for my gran to handle.
Benji was perfect. He was tiny and adorable and perfect when we first got him.
It was love at first sight with us.
I'm so grateful we got to grow up together because he was the greatest, silliest, most stupidly sweet dog anyone could ever have had.
But, unfortunately, he had to get re-homed too when my gran got even more unwell.
After that, we got Oscar.
I've said a million and one things about him so I don't think I need to expand on that but he was just as special as Benji.

The last thing I ever said to her, even a week on when I saw her in the funeral home (she looked nothing like herself. It was horrible), was 'Goodnight, nanny. I'll see you soon. I love you'
When I was younger, I always used to make her say those three words before I went to sleep.
I know it's morbid but, just in case anything ever happened, I wanted to make sure those were our final words to each other.

Reality isn't always that kind though. I can't remember her last words to me.
I know the jist of them but I don't know them exactly.
She was having a good day, her last good day before she died, and I was going on a work night out. I walked out the door and she called me back in. So I went inside and she was warning me to be careful as people can put things in your drink, etcetera. I laughed and nodded and reminded her that I'm a big girl.
After that, it's hazy.

The day before she died, I told her not to keep holding on for me. I'd be fine. She could let go now.
Not even 24 hours to that conversation and she was gone.

These last two weeks have been really strange.
I haven't cried much. I don't know why, especially seeing as I barely stopped crying to breathe after Oscar died.
Nanny was the strongest women I've ever known.
Maybe she's watching over me and helping me to be strong too.

I started college this week and I'm heading to St Andrews tomorrow for a new adventure.
Nanny's gone and, while it breaks my heart that she wont ever get to meet the man I marry or our kids, I know she'll be with us regardless.
It's all she wanted for me and I'll get it eventually.
So, when I do, she'll become my family's own, personal Guardian Angel.
If you believe in those sorts of things.
I'm not sure if I do or not but it's a nice thought.

I miss her so much but I'm so glad she's not in pain anymore.

Goodnight, nanny. I love you.
Jezebel
xoxo