Rest In Peace Cory Monteith.

"Love is how you stay alive, even after you're gone." - Cory Monteith

Cory Monteith was born on the 11th of May 1982. He died on the 13th of July 2013. Last Saturday.
I don't think I'll ever forget what I was doing when I found out. My second cousins had been over to stay (the next post will probably be about that as it includes lots of Edinburgh things and it's a lot happier and more positive than this post will be due to the somber topic and my general need to express my feelings about it) and they'd woken me up at twenty to eight in the morning on Sunday. We were all on my bed when I got a Tweet alert saying that Taylor Swift had Tweeted. Her Tweet read 'Speechless. And for the worst reason.'. Being a huge Taylor Swift fan, I was automatically worried about her and wondered what had happened. I went onto Tumblr and got increasingly confused when I kept seeing posts about death so I moved on to Twitter instead. That's when I found out.
I remember reading countless Tweets about Cory and how he was dead and how horrible it all was. My mind immediately went to Lea, his girlfriend, and to the cast and his family and friends and all the other fans. I also remember my hand going to my mouth as I murmured 'No. No. No! Lea... Oh my God, Lea!', very much in denial. But I had two little girls asking me what was wrong so I couldn't burst into tears and grieve for him. I had to try and stay strong because breaking down in front of the girls wasn't an option.
So I did. I had sad periods and I wasn't as bubbly or as happy as I had been for the past few days. The girls and I talked about it but not in great detail and they were kind and gave me hugs and were good to me.
When my sister and my mother came over at about four thirty, the girls were leaving and I collapsed into my sister's arms, crying. I didn't stop crying until I went to sleep at about two in the morning the next day.
I went out with my mother and sister to get ice cream because I wanted ice cream and I thought I should get out of the house. Basically, it was an awful idea. I barely stopped crying during the whole car ride and broke down in the ice cream store when a friend called me to ask if I was okay. I was a mess and I went out too fast. I cried the whole way back and barely touched my ice cream.
My sister wanted to stay with me because she was so worried about me but I didn't let her. I think I wanted to be alone. I spent the night crying and watching the British version of Law and Order which I barely remember.
I also texted my best friend Jane and we had a semi-breakdown. We vowed our undying love for each other and commitment and promised to never leave each other. If we were a lesbian couple, I'm pretty sure we would have decided on a wedding date.
No. In all seriousness, it was incredibly sweet. And it made me feel a little better.
We met up the next day and she bought me a raspberry and white chocolate cooler thing and a cupcake from Costa. It was so good of her... I love her so much and am incredibly grateful for her kindness. She has been there for me through the whole thing and I'm not sure I would have coped without her support.
So many people are talking about how Cory died but I don't think it's important. I'm not saying that I won't remember him for his struggles because that's not true; I'll remember him for everything. He battled a difficult addiction and he tried to get better. He never took his life for granted and was so grateful to be alive. He was an incredible man and he will forever remain a hero in my eyes.
His favourite colour was blue. Just over a week after his death and I've worn the colour every day since. It's my way of honouring him.
I've also prayed for him every night since. I don't know why or if it's how I cope but it's helping. I'm not a particularly religious person and I'm actually agnostic but it's helping, like I said.
I don't really know what to say now. I'll leave you with a picture I posted to Instagram and the caption I posted with it the day I found out about his death. It was my own sort of tribute to Cory. 

My personal #candlelight tribute to Cory. I don't understand why you're gone, I don't think I ever will, but I will never forget you. Nor will I ever really get over your death. Even now, after hours of crying, I'm still breaking down every few minutes. I may not have known you personally but you were an incredible person and my heart breaks every time I think about what the world has lost. Rest In Peace Cory Monteith. Like you said, "Love is how you stay alive, even after you're gone." You'll never really die. Our eternal love for you will keep you alive in our hearts and minds.#RIPCoryMonteith #CoryMonteith #Glee#CandlesForCory #RestInPeace #PrayForLea #TragicYou took the midnight train going anywhere...#GoodbyeFrankenteen

Just A Random Thought...

So I was thinking a bit about time.
The other day, I met up with an old friend for coffee. I ended up telling her about something really horrible that happened to me about a year ago. It was something that made me have a panic attack, terrified and shocked me to my core and also made me consider something extreme (and also final. And deadly). For months afterwards, I was afraid to sleep and would cry every time I thought about it. You may think it sounds dramatic but this really shook me. A lot of bad things have happened in my life and I've always been strong enough to get through it on my own. It's just what I do. But this was something I wasn't sure I was strong enough to live through and that thought alone terrified me.
Anyway, I told my old friend about it and I didn't cry. It didn't even scare me to think about it. I stammered and I couldn't look at her the entire time I was talking but I didn't cry.
Thinking about time right now, I remembered this and it made me think about how time heals.
The wounds I have from that experience are still there and I don't think the scars will ever really go away. But they aren't bleeding anymore. Time healed it. With time, I learned to move on and accept the fact that I can't change it. I'll never be over it and I'll never forget it or forgive the person who did it to me but I can and have moved on from it.
Yes, it took a lot longer than most other things I've dealt with to begin to heal but I'm alive. It wasn't worth dying over.
It just makes me think about how close I came to giving in. That scares me too. The thought that I could have given up and ended everything.
I like to believe that there's always hope. That I may be sad today but there is always tomorrow to look forward to.
I hope I don't sound like I'm asking for pity or anything because I don't want it. So many people go through worse things every day and I feel terrible for moaning about it. I just wish I could hug everyone who's ever gone through something bad. But I can't.
Well... I'm going to go now.
The point is that I really do believe that time heals. The scars may remain but the initial hurt and pain fade with time.
I'm really going now... Sorry for the randomness of this. It doesn't really mean anything. Just my pondering.

Choosing Glee (Sort of a book review but not really)

Yesterday, I got a book in the mail yesterday. I wasn't expecting it (even though I, obviously, ordered it).
Anyway... I have never been one to sit down and read a book until it's finished. But I, seriously, couldn't put the book down. I sat on my bed, reading and doing the Heartwork, for three hours until the book was finished.
I am a positive person in general. I like to stay optimistic because I am hopeful in my future and that it will be better.
This book was... It was incredible. Jenna and I seem to have a great deal in common. Her outlook on life is, pretty much, identical to mine and her positive energy bursts from the book. I love it.
The book has ten chapters/rules to finding Inspiration, Happiness and the Real You.
Rule 1: Be Yourself
Rule 2: Know What You Want
Rule 3: 'Fear' Is Not The F Word
Rule 4: Ready Set... Screw Up
Rule 5: Expect The Unexpected
Rule 6: Get Off Your Butt
Rule 7: Never Say Never
Rule 8: Do Your Very Best
Rule 9: Jump In!
Rule 10: Take A Bow
In each chapter, she gives tips along with her own personal stories and other things related to the chapter title. There are also Heartwork Assignments that you can fill out or do. They are really good. I can't describe how motivated I feel. She really made me think about my life and put a lot of things in perspective for me. And she has a point! Her rules make sense and the questions she makes you ask yourself actually help. They make you think things through in a different way and she has suggestions for how you can do everything in a positive way.
I'm not going to go into detail about it but I felt like it was a very personal thing for me for some reason. Filling the Heartwork Assignments out with my honest answers... The book knows stuff about me that only me and the book know. It knows what I want for my future, from my silliest and wildest dreams to my genuine concerns. And it's all true (hence the word 'honest'). I am definitely going to keep this book close to me while I live out the years.
That's another good thing about it. The way it is written, you feel like Jenna is talking to you personally. As an individual. Specifically. I love that she has done it this way. I felt like I was talking to a friend (I didn't talk to the book but I did read it aloud for some reason). She's an incredible person and, although she's a Taurus and I'm a Capricorn, I really do feel that we have a lot in common and that she has helped me.
Everyone should read this book. Even if you're super successful and happy and rich and whatever.

So, if you are not me and reading this (Unlikely but, if you're me and you haven't looked at the book in a while, go pick it up and read it Jessica!), go buy it or something. Just read it and I promise it will make you feel more positive or help you feel motivated in some way.

Struck By Lightning

Okay, so I already posted tonight/this morning (It's 4:00AM! How did it get this late?!) but I wanted to post about something a little more positive (It's all about perspective, people). Yesterday (well, two days ago now...), I went to see the film 'Struck By Lightning' at Cineworld at the Edinburgh International Film Festival. I've got the book and I know the film's incredible - It's Chris Colfer, how could it not be? I'm totally not biased or anything... - because Chris is a brilliant actor. I've loved him on Glee since Season 1 and, since then, I've watched him turn into such an astounding young man (I sound old...). The fact that he wrote it and starred as the main character... Wow.
Also, Lauren Lopez (One of Darren Criss' best friends and fellow Starkid (Darren Criss is Chris' co star and boyfriend on Glee and Starkid is a production company Darren co-founded with some of his friends from Michigan University, I think)) was in it! She was a celibacy girl but I'm kinda pissed about that, if I'm being completely honest. Lauren is an incredible actor and I think she would have been perfect for the role of Remy Baker. She's amazing. Still. I'm glad she was in it. Even if I'm a little confused as to why she didn't get a more main role.
The film was well-written, had brilliant actors and had the perfect balance of hilarity and wit. I felt so proud watching it on a cinema screen. To see Chris' dreams come to life like that... I... It was indescribable. I'm just really proud of him and I'm looking forward to seeing Darren's film 'Girl Most Likely' in the cinemas soon as well. Although, it's not exactly the same, this is still a big deal for him and I'm going to be proud to see it.
If you get a chance, watch the film, read the book. Or watch it again if you're me. It may be tragic but it teaches a very valuable life lesson.
“I know I'm bitter and a little jaded, and mildly enjoy it, but am I a sad person? Am I happy? 
I plan on being happy in the future for sure, but it isn't here yet. So what does that make me, exactly?” 
My point with that quote is that you can't spend every day living for your future. I do it and I'm trying not to. Your future is coming but you have to live now, not in some imaginary world you want for your future because you never know what's going to happen.
"Life comes at you fast. It hits you and tries to escape and be expressed in any way possible. In a way, it's a lot like...lightning.” 

P.S. Thanks Emily Murphy! I don't know who you are but we got a free ticket thanks to you and I love you because of this. Sorry you were unable to make it though!

Figuring It Out

Unfortunately, this title is misleading. I am not, indeed, 'figuring it out'. It turns out growing up is kind of difficult. By 17, I was supposed to be driving my own car, working and, most importantly, I was supposed to know what my life was going to be from now on. But everything's so much more confusing when it's not all just naive planning. I want to figure my life out, I really do. But I have so many different ideas... I want to sing, I want to sing with children... I probably have more but I kinda got lost in thinking about New York (No idea where that came from. Now, I'm thinking about the beauty of Golden Retrievers... My thought process is confusing). Anyway... Last week, I handed my CV (Curriculum Vitae. Sorry. Had an impulse to write the actual words for some reason) into a hairdressers in Morningside last week. I also applied for a Nursery Assistant job apprenticeship thingy though so I, obviously, am clueless. I don't have specific reasons for wanting the apprenticeship at the hairdressers. I think it would be fun and I'd enjoy learning how to do it, etcetera. I know I'd work hard at it. The apprenticeship at the nursery though... My reasons are so pathetic it's laughable. I want to do it because... Damn. Okay. I've always wanted kids. Always. My mum wasn't there for me like I needed her to be and I've never really felt like anyone in my family has true loyalty to me. Besides myself, obviously. So I've always wanted to be that for someone else. To bring my kids up in the way I wish I had been. With unconditional love and support. If my kids want to be a dinosaur when they grow up, I'll buy them a costume. If they want to be a singer, I'll pay for lessons. If they want to go and see their favourite musician in concert, I'll do whatever it takes to get them there. If they're upset, I'll buy ice cream and we'll spend the night talking and watching Disney movies. If they're gay, I'll embarrass them by pointing out attractive people who I think they'd look good with when we go out sometimes. Who am I kidding? I'll do that either way. The point it that I want to be the best mother I can be. And working with kids is like practice sort of. Not even going into how much I love kids in general. I know this probably sounds really pathetic and kinda lame but it's how I feel. My mum tries so hard with me sometimes and I want to let her in but it's been so long I don't even know how to anymore. My gran, practically, brought me up. I spent most of my childhood with her. I don't even know how to talk to my mum sometimes and I don't really respect her in a parental way because she's not really been that for me. And I know how horrible that sounds and I feel like a terrible person because she tries so hard and it should be easy for me to let her in completely... But, sometimes, I'll say something and she won't understand it or I'll open up about how upset I am about something that's going on in a certain celebrity I like's life and she'll tell me to stop talking about it or she just won't care. When I have kids and they come to tell me that so and so has done this and they're really upset about it, I'm going to listen and actually care because it's upsetting them. I thought that's what being a parent was: listening to your child and trying to help them out even if you don't understand or think it's silly. Nevermind. I didn't mean this to turn into a rant about my mum. I really do love her. She bought me two Barbie doll houses and supported me with my dreams of going to MGA. I feel like such a bitch for complaining. And my childhood wasn't miserable. My gran did awesome! I would get Princess dresses and other nice clothes and she even bought me a dog. She's amazing. I guess I always expected more from them and they couldn't give that to me.
I was attacked last year, something that very nearly broke me (In ways I don't really want to explain right now) and I needed their unconditional love and support. But it wasn't there. They weren't loyal to me and still aren't being loyal to me. That's why I'm so... distant, I guess. I don't feel like they did the right thing and I can't forgive that. I'm one of those people that, when something or something does something that I find so inherently wrong or unforgivable, I don't forgive it. I give second chances to people I find deserving of them but, if you do something I would kill you for doing to my own child, I'll be like an ice queen to you and I will freeze you out of my life completely. I have to protect myself because no one else will.
Sorry... If anyone ever reads this far, kudos to you. You're a saint. This really has become like a diary... I should write more.
Here's to hoping something good comes out of either option!
Jess xoxo