The End of Lockdown

The restrictions around lockdown will be easing from next week.

This means my boyfriend has already brought up when I will be going back to my own flat.

I hadn't thought about that possibility in weeks.

It probably isn't healthy but I've been living in my bubble with him for two months and I got comfortable.

I haven't spent this much time with someone since I lived with nanny in our homes and his constant presence eased my pain of not being able to see my friends and family.

Okay, there were some issues in the beginning as we navigated the mildly treacherous waters of going from seeing each other half the week to spending almost all of our time together but we got there in the end and the last month or so has been lovely. We're in our routine of food shopping and him playing his xBox all day on Saturday then spending time together on Sunday so that we each get what we need (for him, space. for me, company). I'm extremely content.

When he brought it up last night, I could feel my mood change. It was almost as if he'd flicked a switch.
My bubble was suddenly burst and I had to listen to what he was saying.

Of course, I explained why I was sad and he didn't understand but he was kind and sweet and he refused to leave until I'd cheered up a bit.
It did help and when he came through and spent the whole night with me, I was able to forget about my sadness momentarily.

At least until this morning...

My flatmate messaged our group chat so I let her know I'd probably be back within the next few weeks. She then said we'd have to practice social distancing, despite the fact you don't have to socially distance from people you live with.

I told my boyfriend this and he didn't make any comments to say whether I'd be staying for even some of it or going or anything.

For some reason, this upset me so I left and went back to the bedroom.
I only went back through to the room he's in once to return the cookies I was planning on having for breakfast seeing as there isn't any milk for cereal.

Unfortunately for me, he knows me.

I can't eat when I'm feeling any kind of negative emotion and he knows this so he came through shortly afterwards to ask me why I was sad and what he had done because he didn't understand.

He hadn't done anything and I know we have different viewpoints on us staying together and me leaving so I didn't want to tell him this again or frustrate him but he wouldn't leave until I explained why I was sad so I did.

He got frustrated in his lack of understanding and told me 'I don't understand. We don't live together' but that wasn't why I was upset.

I was (still am) upset about the lack of clarity.

From his words, it sounds like he thinks lockdown is over completely next week but I don't think that's the case so I have questions:

Will we go back to seeing each other for half the week? 

Will we be able to? 

Will he even want me to seeing as I'm on furlough for three weeks starting from 1st June and ending on 19th June? (He's an introvert - he isn't horrible, just needs space) 

Will I be able to see friends or will I be alone (okay my flatmate's there but she works in the hospital every other week and is home every other week. She works in the kitchen though so I have a strong feeling cooking will be difficult...)? 

Will I be just at my flat for the whole three weeks? 

The annoying thing is that I understand where he's coming from and I feel awful for being so upset about it.

He has had me living with him for two months now and he hasn't complained once.

Okay, there have been stressful points but he's never been cruel or unkind - despite being a person who needs a large amount of space.

If I'm being honest with myself, I know that he probably would've found it easier if I'd gone home for half of lockdown but he let me stay because he put my emotions first.

Now that I'm going to be on furlough, I should probably put his emotions first and just go home.

But I'm really struggling with that.

It would be easier if I knew the end-date or what was going to happen but the thing about Coronavirus is that the government are having to make plans daily as the situation changes.

I love him so much but the idea of being completely alone without any comfort is making me feel so sad, I'm numb.

I just don't know.

If this were a facebook post, I'd ask for suggestions on what to do but it isn't and no one reads this.

My head is saying I should go home and give him that space he needs for the entirety of my furlough.

My heart is begging me to stay.

But we're having the conversation about it next week and I might not get a choice either way.

I hope that I can keep my emotions in check whichever outcome it is.

Unfortunately, I know myself better than to think I can hide my sadness from him.

I can hide it from strangers and even some family members but not him and not Jane.

Because they're the two people I love most in the world.

Urgh.

It's been 40 minutes since he went back through and I suppose I feel a little better.

Writing this has cleared my head ever so slightly but the impending conversation, my last week at work and the thought of having to re-meet my friend's boyfriend over Skype tomorrow after not-liking him for months (he was rude when I met him) means that this next week is going to be interesting.

...

Right after I wrote that, my boyfriend came through to check on me.

I tried to explain about the head/heart thing but he didn't say much to that.
What he did say was that lockdown is over next week.

I tried to say that that isn't exactly what I'd read but then he asked if I had even properly read it so I gave up talking.

He stayed for about half an hour and he was affectionate and loving but it's still in my head.

At one point, we were facing each other while lying in bed and I couldn't get it out of me head that this might be our last weekend where we're able to do this.

Our last weekend in our bubble.

I do feel better though.

Even if I do have Olly Murs' 'Ask Me To Stay' stuck in my head...

It doesn't even relate to the situation... I think it's just the title.

It's a great song though.

Oh well...

I guess I should just focus on going home next weekend.

I'll need to think about a bunch of things.

1. I should definitely change my bedding as soon as I get home
2. I need to go to Sainsbury's
3. I'll probably need to get a taxi as I've got a backpack and a big bag and will probably have at least two shopping bags of stuff...

Okay, I'm stopping there because it's stressing me out.

At least I can leave my board games here because I can't play them on my own...

I really am grasping at straws for positives here but hey ho...

It is what it is.

Today, I'm going to reply to Jane and chill by myself. Maybe have some wine later.

I would go to the shops but I don't have any motivation to do so.

I'm not as sad as I was when I started writing but I still feel crap and drained so...

Sorry if anyone does read this and it's really depressing...

Love,
Jessica
xoxo

A Letter to My Boyfriend During Lockdown

Dear Darling,

I know I've been a bit of a hormonal mess these last two months and I wanted to say that I'm sorry.
I can't promise I'll be better with it (not seeing my friends is taking its' toll on me) but I do promise to try.

There have been more than a couple of times where you've probably been sat staring at me, wondering what on Earth you did wrong.
I can't always explain it but I appreciate how you handle my 'annoyed at you for something stupid' moments.

You're absolutely not perfect at dealing with me but I don't you expect you to be.

You try.

That's enough for me.

We weren't ready to move in together when lockdown happened.
Seven months into a relationship is not very long when you've each been single and used to doing things on your own terms for your entire lives.

Somehow, we've managed.
I've gotten mad at you several thousand times and it hasn't been perfect or easy every single day but it's almost three months into lockdown and we're still coping.

In fact, I think we're doing better.

I'm sorry it doesn't always seem like I should be getting mad at you for certain things and I'm sorry I'm not always happy and I'm more prone to chilled sadness.
Please understand that while I am not a girl who always needs to have a boyfriend, I am a girl who always needs to be able to see her friends.

I'm struggling a lot without them.

I'm writing this on here partly because I know you'll never read it and partly because I just need to get it out of my system.

Lockdown is hard on everyone in different ways.
With us, well I'm an extrovert while you're extremely introverted and here I am expecting you to make up for my lack of ability to socialise at the moment when you need much more alone time than I do.

It isn't fair of me to do that and I should probably try to be better in that area.

I think The Script summed it up pretty perfectly in a song they wrote years before Coronavirus meant we were unable to leave our homes.

'Oh these times are hard and they're making us crazy, don't give up on me baby'

Lockdown is difficult and it's making me a little crazy but please don't give up on me.

I'm trying.

I know you are too.

All my love,

Jessica
xoxo

How is it May already?

Not the catchiest title ever but this blog is just for me which means I am the only one who will judge it later.

I'm in lockdown with my boyfriend at the moment which means I haven't been back to the South of Edinburgh in over a month.

It's been weird.
Lots of ups and downs.

This is both of ours' longest relationship and we'd only been together for 7 months when lockdown happened.

For someone who has avoided a relationship since her last one ended in 2016 and someone who had never had a girlfriend or even dated someone longer than a month and a half, that wasn't long enough to make us ready to move in together.

There have been some challenges...

But I think, overall, we're coping okay.

I'm a key worker within a charity so I'm still going into work most days and he's working from home but going into work is probably one of the only things keeping my sane right now.

It's making things seem more normal than they are.

Of course, I'm still reminded of how odd things actually are in the world at the moment.

For example, I'm off of work today.

I booked this holiday three months ago because it's my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow.

My plans were to stay at my flat the night before (30th April) and to head into town for my hair cut and colour so that I looked nice for his birthday.
On the morning of his birthday, I was going to head to Greggs to get him a Greggs breakfast and a coffee.

Obviously, none of those things are happening at the moment.

Instead, I haven't seen my flat in what feels like forever and my hair is losing its blondness.

I went to Tesco today and had to shop by following arrows and flinching whenever someone got too close.

It's been odd but I think he'll have a good birthday.

All of his presents from his family and I are wrapped and hidden in a cupboard, he's sipping on one of his favourite beers which I ordered from Brewdog especially for his birthday and I'll bake his cake tomorrow while he's on his racing game.

It isn't what I planned but I think it'll be nice.

I ordered some nail polish for myself though because, even though it's something I usually only do at Christmas, I need help with keeping myself happy and entertained.

This is kind of a rambling blog post and I feel like I'm not really saying anything of importance.

Times are hard and strange right now and it makes me uneasy.

A year ago, I was going to beer gardens with the guy I was seeing (A lovely guy who I ended things with because I hated my job and it was making me feel rubbish so I wasn't in a good mental space), I was meeting my best friend for a drink and wandering around Newington.
I was going to work every single day at that job I hated (Honestly, the biggest mistake I ever made was working at Standard Life but it led me to where I am now so I have to accept that at least) and buying a coffee and a croissant from Pret on the way (usually because I needed that one positive thing in the morning to force myself to go into work).

It was so normal but now it seems insane.

My boyfriend is extremely chilled about most things and he's relatively easy to live with.
I'm still paying rent for the flat I haven't been to in almost two months but he's not making me pay bills here so I'm doing all of the housework - something which probably sounds sexist but suits us.

He is also extremely sarcastic - something I've found harder to deal with considering my less positive moods over the last few weeks.

I'm getting used to it though.

And my situation isn't even close to as bad as some people's.

The stories I hear about healthcare workers living in hotels so that they don't risk giving Coronavirus to their families are the worst.

I find myself both wishing I did have a kid and also being incredibly grateful I don't at the moment.
I wish I had a child because I'm broody and it would be amazing to get to have so much time with them at the moment but I'm also grateful I don't have one because I'm a key worker and I wouldn't want to risk anything happening to them.

Everyone's kind of in limbo right now.

You can't make plans to travel because you don't know when you'll be able to.
You can't sit and relax because it'll be over in a few weeks because you don't know if it will be or not.

My best friend's grandad is seriously ill and I can't be with her or give her a hug or hold her hand and be there for her.

I don't even know if she can be there for him in what could be his final days.

I've sent her a 'Hug in a Box'. It's a teddy bear that comes in a box and it will, hopefully, cheer her up a bit.

As a control freak, these uncertain times are stressing me out.

Especially as someone who always tries to have plans because I've been more prone to loneliness since nanny died.

My boyfriend is helping though. Not as much as I'd often like thanks to games but as much as he can.

He'll be 25 tomorrow which seems crazy.

When did I get to be so old? I swear I was 20 yesterday.

He's wonderful though.

Unlike when I dated Hugh all those years ago, I don't know if we'll be together forever and I don't plan as if we will be.

But I love that I get to have him now.

He's so smart and funny and he makes me happy almost as much as he makes me roll my eyes at him.

I wouldn't have it any other way though.

I hope he enjoys his first birthday with a girlfriend and that I can make him feel as special as he makes me feel just by continuing to let me live in his world with him.

I can't say sappy stuff like that to him so I've said it here.

The reason I feel special is because I see how he is with strangers. Not super talkative, polite but reserved... He's very much an introvert.
With me though, he lets some of those walls down a little bit to let me in and although he's sarcastic all of the time, in the rare moments when he's not, I get to see someone no one else does.

I won't say too much more but I love him.

I'm glad he showed me what real love was and, even though I can't tell the future, I'm very glad he's in my present.

I hope everyone's safe and I hope you're okay, Future Jess, when you're reading this years later.

Love,
Jessica
xoxo