X Factor

So, I got an email back after applying (In December) for the X Factor UK. My audition is tomorrow morning (Wednesday 1st May) at 8:00AM in Glasgow. I live in Edinburgh and I don't know anything about Glasgow, much less how to get to places from the Train Station. I'm extremely worried because I'm going on my own and that's terrifying. I really don't know what to do. I don't even know what song I'm going to sing when I get there! Nor do I have any money to get there with. I'll have to figure something out. Thankfully, I know the lyrics to hundreds of songs due to repeated singing of random songs. I can recite almost any song Taylor Swift has in her albums (Need to brush up a bit on her first album but I'm good with the others) and I know a majority of the songs Glee has covered. I'm considering singing 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift but I always get really emotional. That might be a good thing but I'm not sure. I could always go with a Darren Criss song from his album 'Human' or 'Teenage Dream'. I'm in a bit of a muddle. Hopefully, I'll figure it out but it will most-likely be very last-minute and slapdash. Unlike those of the auditionees that have been planning for this their whole lives. I feel like such a mess... Oh well. Wishing myself luck :S

I Don't Know What I Want But That's Okay

Sometimes, you just have to stay in bed on your own and listen/sing along to Taylor Swift's new album Red all day. That's what I've been doing so far. I kind of had a mini-mid-mid-life crisis. I was frustrated. Everyone's talking about getting into college and university etcetera and I'm not moving forward at all. I'm aware that I'm not very smart or really very special at all in any unique way. I used to be semi-okay with that but everything just kind of started to sink in all at once. My friends, like Rachel and Kurt in the most episode of Glee (4x20), were pressuring me to move on and find something to do etcetera and I found myself trapped. Of course I'm ashamed and embarrassed about the fact that my life isn't going anywhere but their questions/advice, no matter how well they mean all of it, is just making me feel even worse.
Anyway, I really related to Santana's storyline in this episode because I'm in a similar position. The scene with Isabelle Wright was really nice. I loved it.

Santana: Listen, I really love dancing. I'm just not like you guys. I don't know what I wanna do or how I'm even gonna get there.
Isabelle: But you have plenty of time to figure it out. And it doesn't have to be ballet or Broadway. Just as long as it's something that you love, something that feeds your soul. And Santana, baby steps are okay.

That scene was like something I wish would happen in my life. I really love singing but I have absolutely no idea what I want to do or how I'm going to get there. Unfortunately, I don't have an Isabelle in my life to tell me everything's going to be okay and the fact that I don't know what I want or where I'm going in life is okay just now because I don't have to yet; I'll figure it out eventually.
I finish High School next Thursday (2nd May) and the day after's my 'Fun Day' with the entire year (We'll just see how that goes... I might be dressing up as Robin from 'Batman and Robin' but I don't have a Batman so... I spent £30 on that stupid costume though. Hmm... I suppose I could always be a Princess... We'll see), Prom's June 14th (Still need to buy my fricking dress) and then I think I'm officially graduated but I'm not entirely sure. I don't know what the future holds for me but I'll get by. Hopefully. Anyway, yeah... Don't really know what else to say... Bye!

A Day And A Half Without Sleep

Last night, I went to my friend Jane's house for a catch up. A couple of my other friends came too and we had fun eating Chinese food and talking etcetera. We went home (Not Jane, obviously) at about 12:30PM. I couldn't sleep though so I ended up just staying up.
Didn't do much today really. Can't even remember to be honest. One thing I did do through boredom was go on Omegle.
I ended up talking to a someone who is unhappy. All I know about them is that they're school-age and lives somewhere in America. I think they're a couple of years younger than me and I haven't determined a gender yet.It doesn't matter though.What does matter is that they're unhappy and they feel alone. I can't deal with this. It's horrible. No one should ever have to feel alone. I've tried to remind them that there is so much love waiting out there, you just have to find it. That you should never give up because when you end your life, you don't just lose the obvious, you lose your potential and everything you could have been and done. What if you're supposed to be the next Darren Criss or something? You need to keep fighting because it might not be good today but it could always be better tomorrow. I've been talking to this person for about an hour or so. I gave them my Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube and Facebook details and also my email address in case they ever felt alone or upset or something and needed someone to talk to.
I don't know if they'll use it or not. I just needed them to know that they weren't alone and that I care about them. I can't stand the thought of them suffering in silence and feeling like no one cares. I've done that and, if I can prevent even one person from doing it too then I'll feel a little better.
I'm still talking to them now. I'm doing my best to help them but their depression is getting in the way. It's painful. I'm trying to help and I will continue to tell them anything I think will help (All the truth though. I'm not going to lie to them). It's breaking my heart though. This person seems like such a genuinely good person but, because of bullying and several other factors, they're miserable. I need to go and give them a hug.
I'm going to continue to talk to them for as long as I can without falling asleep because I can't leave them just yet. Especially when I don't know if I'll ever hear from them again. I'm so worried about this person. I need to know they'll be okay and I don't yet. It's horrible. Anyway, I'm going to get back to my conversation with them. Bye or something.

13 Days...

Woah... It's been 13 days since I last wrote anything. In that time, I had my first 'Saturday Night Out' for my best friend's 18th (We went to some random bar near town and her cousin and a few of his friends joined us later. Nothing too interesting. I was mostly laughed at for my severe lack of knowledge in knowing where any countries are. Sorry if I'm not a fricking map or atlas or Google. It's not like knowing where Chile is is going to be super important to me in my future is it? (If it is, I'll learn where the frick it is but, until then, I'm completely content with not giving a flying frick. No offence to Chile or anyone who lives there or whatever). Not much else happened really), read 'The Fault In Our Stars' by John Green (I'd actually been meaning to do this for a while. I cried at Chapter 13 and at several points after that because I have a problem of feeling too much for characters etcetera and imagining myself in their positions. As a whole, the book was incredible. It made me laugh, cry, smile and actually think about things. I only have one question for John Green: What the Hell happened to Hazel afterwards? Did she die? Did she live? What did she do? Damn you John Green for leaving me to ponder so many things. Still an excellent book), wrote a few songs and went to Barcelona for a week (Left on the 24th March (The day after my first ever night out) and got back on April Fools Day (Also known as the Mishapocalypse on Tumblr). I stayed with my aunt, uncle and their three-year-old. It was noisy and I needed space after a few days of non-stop 'sightseeing'. Seriously, we were out every single day! The constant running around added to the never-ending noise and the lack of privacy drove me mad! After much, much arguing with my aunt, she let me stay in on my own for the day. The computer was off, I didn't know how to work the TV and I wasn't allowed to touch anything. I felt a bit like a five-year-old to be honest. But it was quiet! Oh so quiet! Unfortunately, that quietness only lasted five hours and then it was back to noise. It was good while it lasted though. Later that same night, my aunt and uncle's married friends Sandra and Paco and Geordie and Ruth came over for dinner. They were all very lovely and they tried to speak English with me which was nice (I also attempted to speak some Spanish). The next day, we met Sandra, Paco and their adorable little puppy. We went to this small town in Spain called 'Besalu'. It was so beautiful there. I could have spent the entire day wandering around. I swear, it looked like something out of a fairytale. Not really sure what else to say about my trip. I had some fun, had some bad times but, in the end, I was glad I went. My aunt's suggested I move there for a while but I'm not sure. I'd rather have an idea of what my life's going to be before I do anything that drastic). Since then, I've been in bed, sick. I've caught up with friends and TV shows (Let's Get Ready To Rhumble is number fricking one in the UK!!! So happy! Go Ant and Dec!) and tried to focus on getting better.
I also got an email from the Murray Grant Academy for the Performing Arts. They said I could pay 200 and something pounds per month instead of paying the £1250 deposit and then a bunch of money each month. It's my last chance and I'm still stunned to have even gotten another one. I know what I want to do but, again, I don't know if I can do it. In my dream last night, I was in a music video type thing. I was walking around, seeing myself at different stages of my life and doing different things whilst singing the song 'Never Grow Up' by Taylor Swift. The dream ended with me sitting alone in my bedroom, holding a photo of me when I was two in my hands. I looked up at myself and who I am now in the mirror. I looked sad, lost even. It wasn't nice. It was also quite dark in my bedroom. One part of the song in particular kinda keeps swirling around in my mind:
'Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
I could still be littleOh, I don't wanna grow up,
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple'
I really wish I could be back there sometimes. In my past. Getting Princess dresses every year at Christmas time, playing 'Twin Sisters' with my best friend Jane in my Primary School Playground. Things were a lot simpler. Then again, I can't live in the past. Living in the past only prevents you from growing in the future. I can wish away my problems as much as I want but it's only going to hold me back. It's not going to erase the problems from my life.Wishing on a star will only get you so far. If I want my problems to go away, I have to figure out a way to solve them myself. I'll get there... someday. I honestly believe that.