Three words that have been flying around in my head like a constant stream of confusion since he left me.
This past month has been strange.
I'm getting hit on more than ever before, rejecting more people as politely as possible than I ever thought I'd have to and making decisions based on sadness and alcohol when I really shouldn't.
The thing about heartbreak is that it comes in waves. The first few days were the hardest, then I was managing to cope until Christmas and then New Year and then my birthday; three awful days for me mentally.
I don't understand anything.
I lost him but I've also lost myself and I can't decide which one's worse.
Because I miss him more than I should. He left me so I should be angry at him for it and want him to suffer but love isn't like that.
I love him more than I ever thought possible and I still just want him to be happy. Regardless of how badly he broke me.
Love means being selfless. It means putting someone else's happiness before your own and doing whatever you can to ensure their happiness lasts.
I just want him to be okay.
I want him to be happy.
What I'm slowly realising and struggling to come to terms with is the fact that his happiness might include me being gone forever.
There's a great song by Adele. It's an older one and it's called 'Don't You Remember?'. In it, Adele asks her former love if he remembers why he left her and asks him when she'll see him again. There was no proper 'Goodbye' or closure from the relationship and she wonders if he even still thinks about her.
I relate to this so badly right now.
I think about him constantly. There's not a day that's gone by since he left where I haven't wondered if he's okay.
But maybe he isn't thinking about me. Maybe he hasn't thought about me once since he left.
I know him better than to actually believe that but I don't think he's thought about me as much or in the same way.
What I'm really terrified of though is that he's falling out of love with me.
Because I can't fall out of love with him.
No amount of stupid decisions or desperate attempts at moving on will change that.
There's a saying that goes 'When it's real, you can't walk away'.
I used to believe that with every part of my being but I don't know if I do anymore.
Sometimes, you have to walk away to realise that the person you love is who you're meant to be with.
But that might just be me thinking that while he moves on with his life and leaves me in his past.
What kills me is that I was so sure about him. I've never been in love before but I knew, from the moment we met and then had our first proper conversation, that I could never walk away from him.
He used to say the same about me. He used to.
Another funny thing is that I still can't say a harsh word against him.
My friends are angry at him for hurting me and I understand that entirely because no one's ever seen me as bad I was when he left and my best friends have had to convince me into believing that my life is worth living and that I'm stronger than I'm saying and that's not fair to them.
I get it. I get all of it. All of their anger and frustration.
But I still think the world of him.
I always will.
I have never been more sure of anything in my life than I am of the fact that I will always love him and be so incredibly grateful that I got to be his first love and that he was mine.
First loves are so important and mine was incredible. Every moment until the last month of our relationship was worth all of the pain I'm in right now.
You could ask me in ten years if I would change anything and I guarantee that I would still say no to that.
He was kind and loving and compassionate and smart...
He made me feel so special when I was with him and reminded me of how much he loved me in random moments when we were apart.
I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again.
I can't say I won't but love and marriage and anything that involves the future... They're things I can't think about anymore.
Even if I don't ever feel that way about someone again and I end up alone with a golden retriever, I will still consider myself so lucky to have been his and to have gotten to spend those months with him by my side.
People so often tend to lash out or get angry after a break up but I will never say a bad word against him. He saved me from drowning when I lost my gran. He just didn't save me when I lost him.
Which is probably why I still burst into tears if I accidentally see something he's commented on on Facebook...
John Green wrote that 'pain demands to be felt' and I'm in constant pain without him.
But the pain reminds me that everything we had was real. So bring on the rain and the breathlessness. Bring on the feeling of drowning when I'm walking down the street and see something that reminds me of him.
I don't care. It just means that he was important.
Now, I don't know how he's doing or if he even really gets upset by not having me anymore. It doesn't necessarily seem like it but I haven't seen nor heard from him so...
I don't know if I want to either.
I still have things in his flat in another town but I know that a text from him and seeing him will break me again and I don't know if I'm ready to go back to those early days yet.
We need space and time - he was right about that.
I won't get in contact with him and he won't with me until he gets so annoyed at having my crap in his house that he texts me with a plan.
Whatever happens though, I hope he's happy in the end.
I don't know if this is it for us or if he is The One but he deserves the best out of life. Truly.
I hope he finds it.
Jessica
xoxo
