'It matters how this ends...
What if I never love again?'
Two of the most heartbreaking lyrics ever written.
And I couldn't relate more.
It's a funny thing, heartbreak.
This is my first real experience with it. Losing my first love has broken me entirely and I'm not sure how to find myself again after this.
But was it worth it?
God, yes.
We met shortly after my gran died. I was coping but I was still struggling. I wasn't sure if I'd get through the next few months but I was hopeful.
I met him with a closed heart.
I wasn't going to date. I needed time to figure out who I was and I needed to do that by being single.
Also, I hate dating. It's awkward and I never know what to say and it felt like too much too soon.
But then I met him and everything changed.
Not to be cheesy but I'd compare it to a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.
He was tall and gorgeous and I melted into him.
At one point, I went outside and he asked if I was coming back. I felt like telling him that I would always, for as long as I was able, come back to him. Instead, because I'm not entirely creepy, I just told him I would.
He ended up coming outside and we talked and we stayed together for the rest of the night.
Then we made plans to see each other and the rest is history.
I knew I loved him when he left to go back for university.
I've never been in love before and it was so scary to think that I could have fallen in love with him so quickly after losing nanny but I did. After our first date, I wrote that I was sure he was The One.
The next weekend, I visited him and we told each other about our histories (all of the bad stuff) and he told me he loved me. We also had drama that weekend as he got ill and I panicked and looked after him. I made homemade soup for the first time. It wasn't that great but he was kind about it.
I wanted to be so perfect for him. He's an incredible man and I wanted to be good enough for someone like him. He pushed me to be better and believed in me when I didn't. He knew me better than anyone else ever has and he held me when I needed to cry. And I never went to bed feeling unloved or alone when I was with him.
Then it got difficult and he needed space and I understood.
I've known we were breaking up since the 'I love you' goodnight texts stopped.
I understand why we broke up and I think it was for the best in some ways but I can't get over how it happened. The look in his eyes when he confirmed I was right and he was breaking up with me... He'd never looked at me like that before. It was cold and heartbreaking and I didn't know looks could kill you emotionally before but they can and it's not fun.
We have to meet to exchange stuff (things I kept at his, his T-Shirt) and I don't know how I'll cope.
I have always been great at keeping my emotions in check but, after he left me yesterday, I burst into tears and ran through Princes Street like a fool.
He'd already changed his relationship status (on facebook) by the time I got to the west end.
A man actually gave me a packet of tissues to wipe my eyes with because I was crying. He told me I was beautiful and that my first love 'wasn't worth' the tears I was crying and the pain I'm in.
And I want to be mad because he broke up with me in such a cruel way.
But I can't be angry at him because I love him and I know he did what he thought was best for him and I can't argue with that.
I went to the place I met him (back in the beginning) with Jane at about two in the afternoon and got drunk. I'm not proud of that but I needed something to ease my pain or make me feel it, truly feel it.
Because I don't know what to do now.
Four months may not seem like a very long time but he was my first love.
He promised we'd be together for the rest of our lives and told me I'd be 'loved and taken care of' forever and I'm not sure how to be alone anymore.
I've been his girlfriend for what feels like a really long time and I don't know how not to be.
I don't think I can move on from this quickly because I still hope he'll find his way back to me someday.
Maybe he will.
I don't know.
I used to love imagining the future but now I can't because it hurts too much.
Heartbreak is the worst pain I have ever felt.
I know girls have had their hearts broken and gotten over it (two lovely women in the bathroom at the bar yesterday talked to me for ages about it) and I know that I will too one day.
I didn't eat anything yesterday because I couldn't handle it and I didn't sleep well or much at all.
I'm okay with this though. The pain reminds me that it was real and that he was real at one point.
Loving him has been both the greatest and the most heartbreaking experience of my life but every single second with him when we were happy and he loved me was worth all of this pain.
I'm always going to love him, regardless of what happens now.
And, if he finds his way back to me (which I hope he will), I will love him just as much as I do now.
If he doesn't... I'll find a way to be happy. I really just hope he finds someone incredible.
He doesn't think it of himself but he's a wonderful person and he should never settle for anyone who thinks he is anything other than extraordinary.
I hope she's kind and beautiful and cooks for him (he's a terrible cook) but, most of all, I hope she loves him as much as I have. He deserves so much love and happiness from this world and I hope he finds someone who can give him that, even if it's not me.
What I hope for myself right now though (I definitely can't think about falling in love again, who knows if I'll even be capable? Hence the Adele quote) is that I find myself.
The not eating and sleeping thing is getting old already and I hate being this sad. I hate that I've cried in public so many times and that I can't think of ways to be happy.
I can remember happiness. I see it in my face when I see a photo of him and I and I can remember it all. Every moment with him. The best moments (him asking me to be his girlfriend outside Surgeon's Hall, him telling me he loved me, him coming up behind me and kissing me in the kitchen when I was cooking, the fact he'd always smile when he woke up and his eyes focused on my face...)... All of it is imprinted on my heart like a tattoo and I still smile thinking of those times.
But happiness isn't an option for me right now and that's okay.
I need time to heal and to grieve him because I have lost so much this year.
When you've imagined a future with someone, it's hard to say goodbye to that.
I'm not only grieving losing a best friend and a boyfriend; I'm crying for everything that won't happen now. All of it's just gone.
I'm writing this down because I want to remember it. I'm in Hell right now and I can't imagine being happy but I want to be and I will be eventually.
Having this down in some form means that I can read it in the future and be reminded of how painful it was but also know I got through it.
If he and I are meant to be together, he'll come back to me in time.
If we're not, I hope he finds happiness with someone brilliant.
'And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more and I might be okay but I'm not fine at all'
Jessica
xoxo
